I don't own Criminal minds

"Good job, Reid."

Aaron Hotchner, in all his glory with a slightly ripped suit, dishevelled hair and mud covering almost every area of his body that Spencer Reid can catch sight of, smiles a small and tired smile while saying the comforting, complimenting words.

He pats Spencer on the back, two soft touches of the hands Reid wishes he could just hold in his own. He is sure that the feeling of that hand touching him will burn through his skin for at least another day. That is also not taking in account the time it will take for the memory to stop making his heart skip a beat and fill with a hope he knows he should not harbour.

Yet an ill placed and unfortunate hope is not the only thing he nowadays harbours.

And unlike the hope, his feelings towards his boss are much more dangerous and hurtful than the hope can ever be.

Another case solved, another part of the high-school attending population saved from a slow and painful death by the hands of someone so wicked it takes a toll on the entire team to get inside his mind.

Because what kind of sixteen year old teenager would kidnap his fellow students and have them cut up each other with a blunt knife? Someone sick, someone disturbed.

Someone teased that fell outside of every box he wished to belong inside but was kicked out off without mercy. It scared Spencer how much he understood the boy that had stood shaking on his feet with tears rolling down his cheeks.

Because high-school was so hard when you did not fit in. Life was so hard when you did not fit in. And Spencer Reid knows from experience how that feels.

The flight back is silent, almost everyone pretending to be asleep but they are all profilers. They know it is just pretending.

But Spencer doesn't mind, likes the silence he is allowed to bask in yet with the presence of those he holds dear near him. Because the silence here is different than the one at his apartment.

There he finds himself thinking too much, too long and about things he should not allow his mind to wonder about. At the place he should call home he finds himself going insane slowly, day by day.

Because loving someone for the first time in your life, truly loving someone, and knowing that your love is doomed to not ever be returned is emotional torture. Especially to someone like Spencer who has never trusted many persons, who never had so many persons to care for him.

And he curses fate for allowing him to fall in love with the one person he could ever have hoped to consider a father after Gideon left the team.

If only his feelings had not surfaced he could still believe in the team, his family, as he used to.

But along with the knowledge his feelings would not ever be returned shattered his trust in the team and although it did not affect his job, since he wouldn't let it, it still hurt every time he thinks of it.

Slowly he lifts his eyes, his breath catching in his throat softly when he is met with Aaron's hunched over, sleeping form. The man's expression has been caught by sleep and he has lost the stern, stoic edge he usually carries himself around with. What is left is a beautiful man with an even more gorgeous soul who looks absolutely serene.

"You okay, Kid?"

Morgan's voice is hushed, low and husky and Spencer turns his head just the tiniest bit to see his friend sitting in one of the chairs on the other side of the plane.

Spencer blinks and wonders what kind of expression must have crossed his face for Morgan to actually inquire how he is doing.

Derek's dark eyes turn to Hotch before flittering back to Reid and then he sees the worried look that haunts Morgan's face. And even though it is gone within a split-second and it could have easily been a misinterpretation Spencer knows it is not. For he has seen the expression more often than just tonight and it is both frightening and painful.

And when his own eyes settle on Derek and their gazes catch each other Spencer can't help the sad twinge of his lips. He is always lying, telling the other he is all right and he is just tired while in truth he is anything but fine.

And maybe tonight, he decides, he should just be honest. Because the slight worry that flickers on and off of Morgan his expression has become more frequent nowadays. And maybe that means that the blanket of blissful ignorance his friends have allowed themselves to be drawn underneath will be lifted.

Because the entire team, even Hotch himself, knows about his feelings.

He has tried to be smooth about it, tried so hard to pretend his feelings did not change and he is not in love with his boss. But it was, still is though, the first time he has ever loved someone with such an intensity and while he thought he sneaked glances at Aaron without the others noticing, everyone was watching him.

Watching as he had done the one thing that could possibly ruin them all.

And since the team was a family to every single one of them this possible threat was ignored, probably written off as either a crush or hero-worshipping. Both things had a big possibility of being overcome and outgrown without as much as a hitch.

Yet it grew to be so much more yet everyone knows that Spencer's feelings won't be returned. There is not the slightest chance of that because even if Aaron hadn't been almost painfully straight, he is an too honourable man to ever engage himself in a relationship with Spencer.

Because not only would it be against the rules and Aaron's own ethics of their relationship being one of superior and subordinate, it would also not be the best choice to make for Jack.

And then there is the fact that if, due to some sort of Christmas Miracle that won't happen, Hotch is to fall desperately and madly in love with him it will only be a disappointment to Reid in the end.

Because to Aaron Jack comes first and work comes second. And even though Spencer understands he will always be third if something akin to a relationship will ever be allowed to be created between the two of them, it won't be enough. It is true that he himself works at the BAU, he understands like no other the need to do the job and to do it to the best of your abilities.

And even though he would willingly accept such a thing if Aaron were to profess love to him he also knows that in the end it will mean the end of their friendship and their family.

Because Spencer doesn't want to come third with the person he loves. Because love to him is the one thing he has never had and he wants that to be the one aspect of his life to be perfect, a place where he comes first for the first time in his life.

And Reid understands why the team is ignorant, why even Hotch himself ignores the so obvious feelings of love for him from the youngest member of his team. Because when hearing you are loved is flattering and Hotch is sure to be open to the idea of something comforting him during dark, lonely and nightmare-filled nights.

And if and when that happens they will be on two different emotional levels and Aaron will kill himself slowly with guilt while Spencer wilts away with the knowledge this is as far as he will ever get in his way to Hotch his heart.

It will ruin their relationship and that is not even considering the fact Strauss may find out and then shit will really hit the fan.

No, to say Spencer does not understand why his feelings are ignored like this would be a lie. That doesn't take the feelings of hurt and betrayal away though.

"Hey, Reid?"

Morgan is calling out again and Spencer startles from the thoughts that were threatening to consume him.

He watches his friend, allows his gaze to flicker to Aaron longingly and he swallows when he turns back to Morgan.

He wants for his feelings to be acknowledged, to be able to be rejected in person so he can allow his bleeding heart to be mended piece by piece.

"I'm not all right," he mutters softly, almost brokenly and suddenly the air in the plane feels different and he is certain all members of the team have held their breath in shock.

Morgan laughs awkwardly and smiles gently at the man he considers his little brother. "It was a tough case. Maybe some rest will help." He advises, evading the subject completely.

"It's not the case." Spencer's voice sounds broken, betrayed and he lowers his eyes. "You know it's not." He whispers.

Hotch chooses that exact moment to stir and blink his eyes open.

Spencer freezes in his spot, turns to watch the man he loves with almost robotic movements and from Aaron's expression he can see the man hadn't been sleeping at all.

There is sadness there, disappointment and for the first time in his life Spencer feels his heart crack just the littlest bit.

He hugs his chest, turns his head to look out of the window and he leans his head against the headrest. He can feel tears brimming his eyes and thus he closes them, not wanting to be this weak now that he has successfully kept his mask up for such a long time.

He can hear Morgan breathe a sigh of relief and Hotchner too settles back in his chair, the air clamed with the fact Spencer decided not to speak.

"Hey, Hotch?" Reid's voice is soft and hopeful when he speaks. Because he needs to know, for his own sanity he needs to hear he isn't loved in the way he keeps hoping he is and then he can finally move on.

Because he is completely and utterly fed up with this ignorance, with this behaviour that is so unfair towards him because he is the only one getting hurt.

"Yes?" Aaron's voice is soft yet toneless, cold perhaps even and Reid flinches.

Here goes nothing, he thinks and prepares himself for the most painful blow in his life.

"I need a ride home tonight."

But the words mean so much more and Hotch knows it too. Spencer is asking for a chance, time alone with Aaron and the chance to invite him inside his apartment afterwards. He is asking to show Hotch how he feels, to try to get the man to love him in return and he holds his breath fearfully while he waits for an answer.

Hotch takes a breath. "Morgan can take you." He says, his answer resolute, his voice a bit shaky and his tone sounds so very regretful. He then stands up and goes to sit somewhere else, somewhere where he doesn't have to watch as Reid breaks down.

Spencer's heart breaks, he takes a long shuddering breath and hot tears fall down his cheeks.

He had seen it coming. He had known the moment he had fallen for Aaron Hotchner he would be rejected one day and he has asked for this himself.

And he knows that in a few months he will be all right again, that this immense pain will have subdued until there is nothing left but a longing, slightly painful ache.

He knows yet that does not stop him from worrying his lips, wishing that Morgan or JJ would just stand up and hug him because he needs that now. He wants to be held so badly because this hurts. And he doesn't want to be alone tonight, but he fears he has to.

And then suddenly, surprisingly, a strong hand clasps his shoulder and he blinks tears away and turns to look who is standing beside him.

It is Derek and he isn't even pretending to smile. His expression is grave and he slides himself into the seat next to Spencer, the hand still tightly grasping Reid's frail shoulder.

"It's all right, I'll drive you home." Morgan promises, his voice gentle and trying to sooth Spencer and the genius nods, whispering words of thanks before he is drawn into a warm embrace.

By now the emotional whirlwind that had taken rampage inside of Spencer has calmed down.

On that fateful night a week and a half ago Morgan had spend the night at his place. They had sat on the couch, side by side drinking disgusting beer and flipping through boring TV channels.

To Spencer it had been oddly comforting, a calm moment during which he was allowed to process the reality of the situation with someone by his side who would care for him no matter what his reaction would be.

And in the morning, after a night of fit-filled sleep and many tears, Reid decided his mother was due a visit.

It had gone so simple. Morgan had called Hotch, had simply informed the man Reid was taking some vacation time for a week. No questions were asked.

And before Spencer threw his bag into his car and was ready to go to the airport and take the first available flight to Las Vegas Morgan had hugged him. Had awkwardly told Spencer he was sorry, that he should have looked out for his friend better than he did.

Without a moment of doubt Reid had forgiven Morgan. He understood his ignorance after all and even though he did not agree with it, he was there for him at that moment.

Besides, Spencer wasn't one to hold a grudge.

He also knew that everyone had acted accordingly to what they thought was right and that all of them loved him in their own way, even Aaron.

And knowing they cared enough for him, the family they had created, to act in what they thought was the best interest to all of them was enough to Spencer.

Everyone makes mistakes after all.

And now, sitting at the conference table for the first day after his leave he feels giddy, relieved and yet an inkling of fear has still found its way into him too.

When he had arrived no-one really knew how to react at first.

But during his so called vacation Reid had come to terms with his rejection, with the consequences. And it still hurts to look at Aaron but he is also happy. Because things turn back to normal the moment Morgan pats his back and asks if there have been naughty things he has been up to.

Of course he hasn't, but it breaks the ice.

And he watches Hotch and the rest of the team talk through the case, he himself contributing without truly thinking yet for this one time he feels he is forgiven.

And then everyone is rushing out of the room, ready to grab their things and then go to solve another case.

Yet Hotch stays seated and Spencer, after a moment of doubt, lingers in the doorway.

He turns around, watching Aaron with a gentle expression. "Hey, Hotch?" He calls out.

Hotchner looks up then, his eyes widened slightly and his expression is a bit anxious, guilty and somewhat sad.

It is not an expression that fits Aaron and even though Reid is glad the man feels this way, because at least he isn't the only one hurt, he doesn't like it one bit.

Because if he can't have Aaron Hotchner in the way he wants, the least he can wish for is for the team to be all right again.

So he musters a small grin to his lips and he says: "Wheels up in twenty, you better hurry."

A light-hearted comment, perhaps a teasing one but above all it is the one sentence that lets Hotch know he is forgiven. That Spencer is moving on.

And the smallest of smiles comes to Aaron's lips and he nods, curtly yet relief washes over his face. "Thank you." He says.

And without another word Spencer turns around and walks back to the bullpen, waving away Morgan's questioning look with a half-smile and he sits in the chair at his desk, turning it around and watching as Aaron disappears into his office.

The man is quick to get back, files in his hands and he stands silent in the doorway for a second, his gaze catching Spencer's.

They watch silently for a few seconds, Reid finding closure in the fact Aaron is still his own self and Hotch himself being relieved of some of his guilt because Spencer is doing fine.

The man then starts making his way to the elevator. "Come on guys, let's go." He calls out to them and the entire team stands up, ready to leave.

And Spencer follows closely behind, watches amusedly as everyone tries to fit themselves into the elevator and when he catches Morgan's dark gaze he smiles.

Because everything is on its way to being all right again.

The End