This is my second ever fic, and it was inspired by and written for the lovely Kyara from bleachasylum. Kyara, you better read this! Warning, this fic is quite crack, since Lavi would probably be much more serious in this type of situation. and my attempts to put a minor plot in failed at some points, but I wrote it pretty fast so it's just supposed to be funny. Oh, and the part where Kanda and Allen bring up how much they've grown over the course of the series? True fact, that part. Oh yeah, Lavi x Tyki? Totally there if you want it to be, but if not, that's cool too.
Disclaimer: I don't own DGM
Lavi Would Be a Hair Stylist in another Life
"Oh God, not this guy."
"Huh, what is it Yu?"
"Shut the hell up and don't call me that!"
"But I was just asking a question! You need to learn to control your lovely temper!"
"I told you to shut the hell up! Look over there. It's that bastard from back in Edo."
"Huh?" Lavi was visibly confused. "From Edo? You mean….Oh wow, I didn't recognize him! He looks different somehow…"
Kanda couldn't even be bothered to roll his eyes. "Does that really matter? We're still going to kick his ass."
Approaching the two exorcists from a distance was a member of the Noah Clan, Tyki Mikk. His long hair was tied back in a ponytail and his fancy suit was completely spotless. Judging by the look on Kanda's face, Lavi knew that he planned to change that soon, especially since he had already drawn his sword.
"Well if it isn't Mister Eye-patch and Mister Kitchen Knife!" Tyki grinned at them, though it wasn't because he was pleased to see them. Before he could elaborate on why exactly he seemed so happy, Lavi spoke up.
"Ah! I just realized! It's his hair! Look at it Yu, it's all long and slightly curly! How did he grow it out so fast?" Speaking as though Tyki weren't there, and failing to notice the vein popping in Kanda's forehead, Lavi continued on. "I wonder if he used one of those potions that Komui created, maybe he asked Lulubell to steal some when she invaded the Order. Or maybe the Noah have their own scientists, who know how to make those things themselves!"
"JUST STOP TALKING FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Kanda screamed at him, clearly not in the mood to continue listening to Lavi's rambling, but then again he never was.
Tyki, while amused by Kanda's outburst, was not used to being ignored by someone talking about him right in front of his face, least of all someone who was the enemy. However, Lavi continued to speak, now ignoring Kanda.
"I wonder how it would look braided. It's definitely long enough! Hmm…" Finally, he turned to Tyki. "Hey, have you ever tried braiding your hair before? It'll probably look a lot better then that ponytail, since Yu is the second highest ponytail master of the world, but my old grandpa panda is first, and you can't possibly hope to do better than them! You need something new, to complement your face."
Tyki was stunned. The boy had to be kidding. Braid his hair? There was no way in hell he would do so. Sighing, he decided it was now time for him to conduct his business. There was no harm in being polite he figured.
"My apologies, I did not come here to chat with you or….braid my hair and I am in somewhat of a hurry, so it you don't mind, please hand over your innocence and I'll be on my way."
Kanda's response was to attack Tyki, and if he hadn't been expecting this type of reaction, he would have been cut in half. Lavi, sighing grudgingly, joined what turned into a horrific battle in which the two of them finally managed to over power Tyki. Kanda was all for giving the final blow, but before he could, Lavi stopped him.
"Yu, we can't just kill him like this! We have to send him off in style! Style I tell you!"
Kanda, who had started ignoring Lavi as soon as he suggested not just killing Tyki, moved in to finish of the Noah, but before he could, Lavi practically tackled him and pulled him away.
"You can't Yu! I told you, style is a must! Stop stop stop stop stop!" Needless to say, Kanda was not pleased.
"Let go of me you stupid rabbit, what the hell is your problem?!" After much struggling, Kanda agreed to let Lavi "send Tyki off in style" as long as he would just get off of him.
"Yay! Thank you so much Yu!"
About fifteen minutes later, Tyki's close were as spotless as Lavi had been able to make them; it was rather hard to remove bloodstains and he didn't feel like fixing the rips that had been made in their fight. Still, Lavi was very excited. Finally, it was time for the final step!
Lavi reached for Tyki's hair. He combed it with his fingers, trying to remove any traces of dirt and blood that may have been in it. Slowly, he separated it into 3 separate strands. Deciding that they weren't all exactly the same size, he shook his head and started to redo it.
"Oh for the love of god!" yelled Kanda. "Just braid his fucking hair and let's go find that stupid beansprout!"
Still bent over Tyki's hair, Lavi responded "Yu, don't be so impatient just because you want to go back and eat soba. I'm busy." Cursing, but unable to retort because what Lavi had said was true, Kanda stalked off and sat on a tree that had been ripped out of the ground while they fought.
Now able to concentrate fully on the important task before him, Lavi began to braid Tyki's hair. It brought him a sense of relief, being able to do so, no more Bookman duties, just him and the lovely hair in front of him. He was almost finished now. Pulling out one of Kanda's spare hair ties, which he had stolen when he tackled him, Lavi slowly tied it around the perfect braid, finishing it off with a bow.
"Are you done?"
"Yep! Though I don't really want to, I guess it's our duty as exorcists to kill him now, isn't it?" Lavi seemed crestfallen at the thought; it seemed as though he no longer wanted his handiwork to go to waste.
Before Kanda could respond however, a certain white haired fifteen year old named Allen Walker came running up to them.
"Kanda! Lavi! Thank god I finally found you! I have the innocence. Wait a minute, what's Tyki Mikk doing here?"
"What are you doing here, beansprout?"
"It's Allen you idiot! And in case you haven't noticed, I've grown at least a centimeter since you first called me that, so you no longer have the right to!"
"Heh, as if, I've grown two centimeters, beansprout."
Before it could turn into a full blown argument, Lavi suddenly yelled "Watch out!" and the three of them backed up considerably.
"Shit that's…"
"Yeah, the Millennium Earl."
Sure enough, the Earl was stepping out of a gate to the Noah's Ark, right next to Tyki. He picked him up and said, "So sorry exorcists, but I can' kill you at the moment, I'm in a hurry" and prepared to leave. Kanda cursed like he always does, Allen began to say "Wait!" and Lavi began to desperately run forward.
"No, no, no, my dear exorcists, I told you already, I'm quite busy at the moment. But if you wish to wait here, I could try returning when I have time in my scheduele. Feel free to linger," were the Earl's last words, and then he stepped through the gate again and left. There was silence until Lavi began freaking out.
"Why did he take Tyki with him, I had just finished braiding his hair in the most perfect braid there ever was!"
"You goddamn idiot!" Kanda shouted. "If you hadn't insisted that you braid his hair we would have been able to finish him off! This is your entire fault!" They continued to fight like this (Allen joining in when Kanda referred to him as "that idiot beansprout") for quite some time, until Kanda and Allen realized that it was far past dinner time. Cursing, Kanda ordered Allen to conjure up an Ark gate so that they could go to the Order, resulting in Allen objecting to being treated like a servant and another fight.
Meanwhile, the Earl arrived back at the Noah's current place of residence; bring Tyki with him. As the members of the family who were present crowded around to make sure Tyki would be okay, many of them stared in amazement.
"Look at his hair!" Road gasped. "It's braided in the most perfect way imaginable!"
"Oh my, you're right Road," said Sheryl. "I should ask him where he got it done and see if I can schedule an appointment."
"No Sheryl, I'm afraid you can't" cut in the Earl. "I was rather interested in what was going on so I watched from a distance for a while, before gating myself in and saving him. But I got the idea that this was an event reserved especially for our dear Tyki if you catch my drift."