Where the West was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where you been?"
He said, "Ask anything."
Church. It used to mean prayer, solace. Peace. Thankfulness. But now... It was so empty, just like he felt. He didn't want to pray to God. God had failed him. God doesn't make mistakes. He had said that once, hadn't he? But then, what was this? Dr. Temperance Brennan was supposed to be killed by a drunk driver? That's what God intended? For her to take a piece of all of them with her? God meant to bring Seeley Booth to his knees?
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart?
He always said God heard him every time he prayed. That's what he told Parker. So why hadn't God protected her? Healed her? When he got that first phone call, he had prayed harder than he ever had before. So why had his prayers been unanswered, the exact opposite of what he asked for happening?
The world, his world, was slowly crumbling beneath his feet, and God wasn't there to catch him.
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never cameTo the corner of First and Armistad
After that first call, the phone didn't ring again. By now, he was so used to her calling him at all hours. The phone was strangely silent. He knew it wouldn't ring, that her name wouldn't come up on the screen. But he grasped the phone anyway; waited anyway.
Lost and insecure
You found me
You found me
Lying on the floor
He was on his knees in both the figurative and literal sense of the phrase. Her body was so still, so cold. At least they had cleaned her up. He didn't have to see his Bones mutilated. She had been shot before. Kidnapped more than once. And a car accident was what killed her in the end.
On his knees on the cold hospital floor, he choked on his own grief.
Surrounded
Surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you?
Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me
You found me
He clutched his St. Christopher medal. He was her protector. He had failed. Sure, it was a car crash. Outside his jurisdiction. He couldn't have saved her. Where was God, the ultimate protector? Where was he when she needed Him? When he needed Him?
In the end everyone ends up alone
Solitude. Complete solitude. He could call her number; show up at her place with some Chinese food. But it wouldn't matter. She wouldn't answer, wouldn't eat and joke with him. Sure, there were other people. People who cared about him, and that he cared about. Yet, without her, he was alone.
Losing her
The only one who's ever known
Who I am
Who I'm not
And who I want to be
She was the only one who truly knew him. His best friend. The woman he loved. With her gone, he wasn't really Seeley Booth. She was the one who had opened him up. He had made her open up, too. They understood each other like no one else could. Loved each other. And she was gone. Gone.
No way to know
How long she will be next to me
Every day he had with her wasn't enough. It had gone by in a flash. She wasn't just a partner. The knowledge that he would never hug her again, never wrap his arm around her, never talk to her again… it hurt, physically.
Lost and insecure
You found me
You found me
Lying on the floor
He was all alone in the church. It had become only a building. She had once sat right here, next to him, and denied God. Look where we are, Bones, he had said. Yes, look where he was. Alone.
Angrily, he ripped the medal from his neck and threw it to the floor. He pulled apart a string of rosary beads and sent them scattering. The bible in front of him went flying, too, pages everywhere. All of them. He stood up and pulled a candle off the shelf, smashing it. And then he wiped his hand across the entire shelf, sending all the candles crashing. He delighted in the smashing sounds, in the breaking glass. The destruction felt good. He fell to the ground, sobbing.
Surrounded
Surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
He had desecrated God's house, and he didn't care. This, this right here, was what he felt. Angry at God. In his mind, in his heart, God deserved to be yelled at, to have things thrown around. God could have saved her. He could have, and he didn't.
Where were you?
Where were you?
"Why weren't you there?" he screamed to the emptiness. "Why didn't you save her? Where were you when she needed you?"
Just a little late
You found me
You found me
He remembered things he had told her about God over the years. Just because you don't believe in God doesn't mean he doesn't believe in you. Was this God's idea of payback? Killing her for not loving Him? Had He gotten a little overexcited while hitting the smite button? Was she burning in Hell right now?
The thought nauseated him. Besides, this felt more like punishment for him. A life without her was worse than burning in Hell, he decided.
Early morning
City breaks
I've been calling
For years and years and years and years
He had had faith in God forever. He had prayed everyday. When he saved Brennan, he thanked God. He prayed to God for her protection.
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
Had God gotten tired of answering his prayers to please, please keep her safe? Grown tired of protecting her?
You got some kind of love
Taking all our worlds
How many times had he heard about God's unconditional, constant love? What kind of love was this? Ripping his world apart, stomping on his heart. That was a love he didn't want. He just wanted her.
Lost and insecure
You found me
You found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you?
Where were you?
"For God so loved the world," he began. But he couldn't continue, not through the choking tears. Not through the anger. He threw another candle and delighted in the sound of the crash. He pounded on the floor with his fists. "Where?" he screamed.
Lost and insecure
You found me
You found me
Was this supposed to strengthen his faith? Send him running to God for solace? Who ran to the one responsible? He had told her once that God did everything. God doesn't make mistakes. So this was intentional. God wanted this. He wasn't going to run to the one responsible for mercilessly killing her.
Lying on the floor
Surrounded
Surrounded
There he was, on the floor, surrounded by shards of glass. Surrounded by rosary beads and bible pages and the medal of the Saint.
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you?
Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me
You found me
It was too late to save Bones. It was too late for her. And now, he wanted no part of God. But God wanted every part of him.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you take her? Why did you leave me without her?" He chucked the St. Christopher medal far across the room. "Take the protection. It didn't work for her. You weren't there for her."
Why'd you have to wait?
To find me
To find me
"For God so loved the world," he began again. "For God so loved the world, He gave... He gave his only begotten son, so that whosoever believed in him... Whosoever believed in him would not perish... Not perish, but have eternal... Eternal life."
God had lost his son. God knew what he was going through.
"Why?" he whispered one more time. It wouldn't be okay. It never would. But maybe, maybe he didn't have to be angry with God.
A/N: Did you like my depressing story? I liked writing it, actually. I think Booth would be angry with God if something like this happened to Bones. What do you think?