Authors note: Apologies for bad grammar and spelling. This took a lot for me to write, it was emotional to say the least. I hope you enjoy this anyway. Please review!
I fall asleep on the sofa in the formal living room. A terrible nightmare follows, where I'm lying at the bottom of a deep grave, and every dead person I know by name comes by and throws a shovel full of ashes on me. It's quite a long dream, considering the list of people, and the deeper I'm buried, the harder it is to breathe. I try to call out, begging them to stop, but the ashes fill my mouth and nose and I can't make any sound. Still the shovel scrapes on and on and on...
I wake up with a start. Pale morning light come around the edge of the shutters. Still half in the nightmare, the guilt raging inside of me, shaking all of my bones. I run down the hall, out the front door and around the side of the house, because now I'm pretty sure I can scream at the dead. Prim, Rue, Finnick, all there faces repeat in my mind. Staring at me with such blame and pain.
As I look up I see him. His face is flushed from digging up the ground under the windows. In a wheelbarrow are five scraggly bushes. I peer into his eyes, as he does mine. The yearning for him takes over me. but as quickly as that does, so does the pain.
Rushing back inside away from Peeta; trying to forget his blue eyes, clouded with hurt. I'm sure he saw me sprint inside with panic, but I don't care. I climb up the creaky stairs as quickly as I can, my foot catches on the last step and I crash into the floor. I force myself to rise and scramble to the bathroom. Running the hot water, I throw myself into the bath. Scrubbing the pain and self-reproach off my tender flesh, until it's shredded like tissue paper and blood seeps through the laboratory-grown cells. I drop the worn out brush that scrubs my dead skin and lean back, with my hair partly soaked in the dirty water. It doesn't feel enough. The longing to see my father, rue, Prim, Cinna, Boggs, and Finnick washes over me. I miss the closeness that Peeta and I once had. But I have put him through to much pain to regain it back. Once I was the mocking jay, a face of a powerful rebellion. Now I am ruined, too fragile for happiness.
Greasy Sae has stop coming to cook, I haven't seen Haymitch in weeks, probably off drunk. This gives me an opportunity to be with them again.
I hear a soft knock at the door. "Katniss?" the voice asks softly. I would know that voice anywhere. Peeta. At the sound of his voice I impulsively go into overdrive. I throw open a draw beside the bath and scramble through it to find something that will finish the destruction I've done to myself. impulsively throw what isn't useful out of the draw. I end up cutting my fingers finding a smooth silver razor. I hold it up under the light, studying it's edges. It looks blunt, but I'm sure it will fulfill its purpose.
"I'm okay Peeta." I try to yell out, but the guilt bubbles in my neck and you can hear it in my voice.
"Katniss!" He shouts with concern.
I don't even think, I don't put thought into how deep I need to make it, which way I am meant to do it. I just let the pain consume me and the blood pour out. I can see the yellow fat cells beneath my arms and the white muscle that lays underneath. "It's over now Peeta." I whimper softly. And as soon as the words leaves my lips, I knew I shouldn't of said them. Too much suspicion and questioning within them. I ease down back into the hot water and sit, up to my neck in suds, hoping death will take over me soon.
The door frame cracks and eventually breaks. Peeta stands before me, staring down in my red watered bathtub. He looks disappointment and shock but the expression quickly fades and sadness replaces it. "I'm sorry" is all I can mumble out.
Peeta rips off a towel from the rack and holds it over my wrist. "Katniss" he whispers under his breath. "What have you done?"
Peeta craddles my body out of the bathtub and leans his back to the wall sliding down to the floor with me in his arms. The energy has been drained from my body, all I have left is deppression and guilt running through my veins. He holds my arm so tight my fingertips are begining to turn white, it's hard not to wince. "I'm sorry Katniss. I have to stop the bleeding." He doesn't look up, avoiding my eyes completely. I don't have the durability or the energy to fight back against Peeta, so I let him help me without complaint. Damn it, Peeta is going to save my life once 's at that moment everything becomes too much and my ugly sobs become uncontrollable.
In complete silence he carries me and sits me upright on the bed, walking out. I can feel myself getting dizzy, the feeling of relief comes to me, that this is it, that I will see Prim again. Peeta returns with hurt in eyes, peering at the physical state I am in.
We stay like this for a while before Peeta finally releases his tight grip around me. Taking the bandage off. "This will hurt Katniss." He whispers still avoiding my eyes. He pours an oily liquid over it, it immediately burns so much it is all I can focus on. I pull my arm back out of reflex but Peeta holds it still.
"I'm sorry" he repeats. "I have to do this so it doesn't get infected." He works silently, pushing a needle into my arm. "This will numb it so I can stitch this, okay Katniss?"
I nod as he injects the strange medicine into my arm. I can't help but wonder how he learnt how to take care of someone like this.
"How do you know how to heal people Peeta?" I say softly.
"Part of recovery before I could come back home was to learn how to look after myself. Properly, I had to be taught first aid. I was taught by your Mother actually." He says as he works away with thread and needles. All I do is nod in reply.
After he finishes stitching and bandaging my arm he helps me into a loose top and some pajama pants and tucks me into bed. He doesn't say anything and neither do I, I just allow him to dress me and put me into bed. He sits on top of the covers beside me and pushes a few strands of hair behind my head. I can't help but feel guilty for what I have put him through.
"Why did you do this to yourself Katniss?" He whispers, breaking the gentle silence between us. I look up and meet his gaze, this is the first time he has properly looked at me since he found me in the bathtub.
I don't want to talk because I know I will begin looking weak, and start crying all over again. So I just shake my head.
"Katniss" he sighs sadly.
"I can't hurt like this anymore." I manage to croak out before my eyes begin watering.
"Katniss.." he says soft and slowly. "You can't leave. There is people who need you."
"Who?" I snap. "Prim? Gale? Boggs? Cinna? Finnick? You!?" I ramble, just realizing I'm yelling. I lower my voice. "I'm sorry Peeta." I add in a whisper He doesn't deserve to be shouted at, after everything he has done.
Peeta leans in, and I notice his stubble has began to grow. He gently kisses my cheek. "I need you. I need you Katniss."
Something I never expected to hear from Peeta after the war, after the hijacking. I saw the pain rip through him. The capitol stripping Peeta from every feeling he ever had for me, leaving nothing to rebuild from. I've become reminded of how much I missed Peeta, how starved I've been for human closeness. For the feel of him beside me.
He gets up to leave me alone for the day, but I find myself saying something familiar. "Peeta?" I ask.
He turns around from the door frame to look at my frail face. "Yeah?"
"Will you stay with me?"
He climbs into bed under the covers and I cuddle into him, like I use too. His scent is well known to me, it gives me comfort.
"Always" he whispers.
Not that romance could ever hear the emotion scars that coat my brain, but Peeta gives me hope. That's what I need to keep surviving. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life will go on, no matter how bad our loses. That it will be good again. And only Peeta can give me that.