Dead Inside Part I - Hammond
Daniel sighed as he slowly made his way to General Hammond's office. He knew why he had been summoned. Ever since he had been released from the infirmary, practically every single person on the base had come to pay their respects, and quite frankly, he was sick of it. I'm so sorry for your loss, Dr Jackson. Is there anything I can do, Dr Jackson? How you holding up, Daniel? I'm here if you need to talk, Daniel. But he didn't want to talk. He didn't even want to think about it. What he wanted was to go back to his office and study the artefact that SG-6 had brought back from their latest mission. He wanted to lock himself away and bury himself under a mountain of paperwork, pull and all-nighter with only a jug of hot coffee for company. He certainly didn't want to see the General and endure what was surely another heartfelt condolence.
Why didn't they understand that he had just wanted to be left alone? He knew Jack and Sam were worried about him, concerned about his apparent lack of grief. He hadn't even cried for her. He'd just plunged himself back into his work. What they didn't realise, and what he wasn't going to tell them, was that he'd already lived with the grief, already cried all the tears he could, already said goodbye to her. He knew how painful his grief was, and he didn't want to go through it all again. Sam had been insistent, trying to coax him into talking about it, sharing his pain with her. But he couldn't tell her, or Jack, how he couldn't live with the pain, couldn't make himself deal with it again. How he didn't sleep at night in fear that memories of her would invade his dreams. Asleep he was vulnerable, awake he could keep himself occupied.
And Teal'c…Teal'c had been avoiding him, for which he was thankful. He was there when he had awoken the first time after it happened. Had stood there stoically in pure Teal'c fashion until they were alone. He had apologised then, first for his part in her abduction and then in her death. But, he had said, he was glad that Daniel was alive. He had said the words You did the right thing, Teal'c. And in his head, he had forgiven Teal'c. After all, Sha're had asked him to – demanded it of him. His head knew it was the right thing, but in his heart, he knew it would be a while before he was able to believe it.
The funeral had been almost identical to the one in his dream, standing there in his Abydonian robes that mirrored the sand which slowly covered the body of his wife. Praying for her soul in the words of her people and his own, watching as the earth consumed her. He hadn't listened to Kasuf as he tried to console him, convince his Good Son to stay a while. "We are still your family" he had said, "You are still my son". But Daniel had turned away, mumbling a pitiful excuse he knew Kasuf didn't believe. But he hadn't pushed. That was the thing about the Abydonains; they never forced him to talk if he wanted to be alone. Except for Sha're, who always had a way –. No, he didn't want to think about that. He couldn't stay here in the place that had been their home, where the air was as thick with memories as it was with heat and sand. He couldn't face it, couldn't bring himself to conjure up any emotion or a way to express his grief, and didn't want to.
He still felt dead inside.
Daniel knocked on the General's door, and entered with apprehension. Hammond was working on his laptop, finishing a report with his cumbersome two-fingered typing. Daniel remained near the door, keeping it open in hope that he could make a quick escape. "You wanted to see me, sir?"
The General looked up from his work; "Dr Jackson" he gestured to the chair opposite "Take a seat". Cursing inwardly, Daniel shut the door and made his way over to the chair. This wasn't going to be easy. Or short.
"Dr Jackson, I have been approached independently by several of the people on this base expressing their concern about your condition of late"
His condition? What, was his life the subject of talk around the water cooler now? They weren't content to just leave him alone with his grief, now they had to go behind his back to Hammond? Daniel clenched his fists. They had no right. But he kept his voice even, so not to display his anger, "Sir, I come here every day, and I work for you. I translate and I analyse and draw conclusions. I do my job. And with all due respect, Jack, Sam and Dr Frasier have no right to say what my 'condition' should be at the moment".
"They are just worried about you, Doctor, and to be frank so am I".
The General was staring at him now, but Daniel still didn't raise his head. He kept his gaze focussed on the desktop and when he spoke, he was barely audible. "My wife is dead, General. I'm…coping". He struggled to choke down a sob.
"I don't think you are, Doctor Jackson, and neither do the people who have spoken to me about this matter". Hammond took a deep breathe before continuing; "I am granting you two weeks bereavement leave, effective immediately. Dr Rothman will perform any duties necessary during that time" he finished, in a tone Daniel could tell couldn't be argued with. Daniel licked his lips before retorting; "Is that a request…or an order, General?"
Hammond sighed; he hadn't expected the good doctor to take this lying down. "I would prefer it not to be, but it will become an order if it has to". Seeing Daniel's stoic and obviously unhappy countenance, Hammond decided to try a different tactic. There had been a sense of familiarity to Jackson's behaviour in the past weeks, one that had struck Hammond close to home. "I understand what you're doing, son" the General said, his voice gentler than Daniel had ever heard it. "I know that grief is painful, and you're trying your hardest not to think about it. You think that if you keep working, keep yourself occupied you won't have to feel that pain".
Finally Daniel raised his head. Before he had always seen the General as a great man and a fair commander, but he had never really seen him as a person before. Suddenly Daniel wanted to know what this man's life was like outside the SGC. What he was like when he went home and the stars came off.
When the general spoke again, it contained something Daniel had never heard in his voice before. Pain. "My wife died seven years ago".
Daniel was stumped "I…didn't know that, sir"
"It was cancer. Afterwards I threw myself into my work. In the Airforce there is always something that needs to be done, a mission that needs attention. I got so wrapped up in trying to forget that I didn't give myself the chance to grieve. She deserved that but by the time I realised it was too late. I don't want the same thing to happen to you, son. I don't want to see that kind of regret again".
Daniel was silent for a long time. There had been several attempts, by Sam especially, to get him to talk about Sha're, to let his grief out. He remembered during his dream, almost breaking down over sharing his memory of the first time Sha're had seen his ballpoint. It was a simple, happy memory and it had almost destroyed him. He couldn't imagine what he would feel if he let anything else slip. He wasn't forgetting, he told himself, he was protecting himself, just like he had done all his life.
"I appreciate your concern, General, but to be honest I really don't need a lesson in dealing with grief" he allowed a small note of bitterness to creep into his voice. Oh, no, he didn't need to be taught how to deal with his pain. He'd graduated from that particular school with honours. Although the death of his parents and the other subsequent losses in his life had never felt quite like this, the sharp, undercurrent of pain that he knew was coursing through him, waiting for the right time to strike. He had been so young when his parents were taken from him, too young to understand anything except that he was alone and it hurt. He'd gotten used to the feeling, a desolate wasteland of love that was his life. Sha're had loved him so much, more than he had ever truly understood. He hadn't understood love, but grief? He knew it all to well.
"I know that, son" the General continued in that strange, soft voice. "But you have to choose the best way to honour the memory of your wife. I made the wrong choice". The words cut at Daniel's heart, and he sat across from Hammond in silence. Honouring Sha're didn't end at her funeral, he realised. Was he being unfair to her memory by locking his feelings away? Thinking only of his own grief when she had suffered, endured and died for him? He thought he could just move on, that he would be able to handle his grief if he just shut it away. But that wasn't fair to either of them, he realised. Daniel had to grieve her as he had loved her – with passion and without reservation. He would do that, just as he had promised her he would find the boy. Her son. Daniel looked up to see the General's understanding face, and felt compelled to spill his secret. He hadn't dared tell Jack yet…he would never believe him, Daniel was sure. He thought better to wait, until he knew more than just a vague reference to Egyptian mythology. But the General had just shared with him an intimate secret and Daniel felt compelled to do the same. Besides, approval from the top could only help his chances at finding Kheb. Careful to remove all pain from his face, and replace it with gratitude, Daniel addressed the man before him. "Sha're had a son, General, as you probably know". Hammond was surprised, but answered in the affirmative; he had read the mission reports and had never pressed the matter in respect of Doctor Jackson's privacy. "Before she died…I promised her that I'd find him" he continued, carefully leaving out the specific details of her message through the hand device.
Hammond wasn't foolish, however, he knew that there was no way for Daniel to have spoken to Sha're in that tent before she was shot, but he remained silent as Daniel continued. "I don't know much, but I do know he was taken to a place called Kheb…which I assume is the name of a planet or city of some kind". Seeing the General's expression, Daniel pressed on rapidly; "I have also learnt that if a child is born of two Goa'uld hosts, like Sha're's son was, he possesses their genetic memory. He's a Harcesis, a human boy with all the knowledge of the Goa'uld. Personal reasons aside, he could be beneficial-" He stopped at the General's raised palm asking for silence.
"How do you know all of this, son?" he asked evenly, knowing he probably didn't want to hear the answer. He was even more convinced when he saw Daniel take a deep breathe and shift slightly in his chair. "Sha're…communicated to me through the hand device" he admitted. Hammond began to stop him, but Daniel pressed on, leaning forward in his chair and speaking quickly to avoid any interruption. "I know it sounds crazy, General, but while Amaunet was trying to kill me Sha're was able to send me the message about her son. I know you probably think it was just a dream…a subconscious vision to help me deal with her death but I swear to you it was real. I promised her I'd find the boy General…I…" his voice faltered a little. "I promised her".
Hammond was silent for a moment, and Daniel feared the worst. Maybe they'd send him back to that nice comfy white room in Mental Health. But Hammond simply reopened his laptop and continued typing. "I will inform all teams to keep an eye out on missions for any sign of this…Harcesis…or any reference to Kheb" he said. Daniel was stunned. "Wait…you believe me?" he asked incredulously. Hammond smiled, still looking at his computer screen. "I've seen too many impossible things to dismiss this outright, son. Simply being alert won't cost us any manpower, and sounds to me like this boy could be a great asset if he is found". Hammond glanced up from his computer screen briefly to meet Daniel's eyes. "I know what this means to you Daniel. Dismissed".
Slowly, Daniel was able to stand up from the chair, close the office door behind him, walk through the hallways of the SGC, to his car parked outside. He didn't bother going to his office first; he was too wound up to think straight. Daniel managed to turn the key in the ignition, put his foot on the accelerator and drive himself home. Once in the driveway, however, he stopped. Two weeks, he thought, with nothing to occupy himself, except the single thought he had been trying to avoid. She was dead. Sha're was…dead. Inside the silence and emptiness of his soul, Daniel cried for the first time.