"What is your relationship with L-Elf, exactly?"
Of all the people, the question came from Kyuuma, when he and Haruto were eating breakfast together. Yamada had overslept, Shouko busy with governmental duties with Marie, and Rukino was on diet and had skipped breakfast – leaving just the two of them. The question, quite simply, caught Haruto off guard and he remained silent, unable to reply. His response, or the lack of, then prompted Kyuuma to elaborate more, "I mean, there is something about you two…that I can't really explain. It is kind of weird, no offense on that."
"We are just comrades in arms."
"Really? Because to me it seems to be something more."
Sensing Haruto's increasing discomfort, Kyuuma then cut short of the conversation that he had started and quickly finished the rest of his meals – eager to escape the awkward atmosphere. "Sorry 'bout that, it is okay if you don't want to answer."
He took away his breakfast tray and patted Haruto's shoulder as he went past.
It wasn't like that was an armor piercing question that had put Haruto in a metaphorical heroic blue screen of death. It was just a casual question between two (hopefully) good friends. So, why couldn't he answer it clearly? Because it is too hard? Couldn't be described? Or do Haruto don't even know what it is in the first place? He vehemently denied attributing the feelings he had with L-Elf as love, but what exactly was [love], anyway?
[Love] was something that many experts and adults had claimed to know, but was actually still clueless about it all. It would be simpler if there existed some kind of indicators for love, like the operationalization of a certain scientific theory. Or better yet, if all of the confusing human emotions could be quantified in neat rows of numbers. Pass X amount of numbers, and voila, you must surely be in love!
But such things only existed in the realm of dystopian fictions and killed romance, on which numerous industries depended upon. According to the shoujo mangas, an unpopular girl would fall in love with a popular boy. The so-called wall flower who was actually quite pretty all along, and the bad boy who hid his other more sensitive side. Hearts would wildly beat, cheeks flushed, mouths dried, eyes sparkled, and stomachs flipped upside down.
Love certainly sounds dangerous for a person's health.
Haruto sighed, cleaned up his table, and left the dining room.
It was another down time, the Valvraves were undergoing some sort of maintenance and plans formulated, giving him a day off. He wondered what it was with the holidays that gave him a convenient excuse to think about his life choices and move the story forward. It was just like a cheap harlequin novel. About a man with a supposedly well-paying job, but was almost always free just in time to woo the heroine – a one hour work week. Romance always came cheap in the genre, not that he had read much of it to begin with, anyway. It was an accident. Heroine met a mysterious man and instantly fell in love, such an overused plot.
What he felt for Shouko, could that be described as [love]? With Rukino? With L-Elf? He felt strongly for the three of them it wasn't even funny. However, such feelings had also jumbled about and turned up into one colossal mess. If Shouko was red, Rukino green, and L-Elf blue, then what he had must surely be a dark and murky one, because the colors were all mixed together to dye him in something new in its entirety.
He remembered the aborted love confession that he very nearly gave to Shouko and the marriage proposal to Rukino. Relationships in life came in all shapes and sizes. He supposed a school boy crush would best describe his feelings for Shouko, followed by friendship. Rukino on the other hand, as the second Valvrave pilot was something more like a companion, and after the unfortunate incident, a person on whom he bore much guilt. So, where did that left L-Elf? Partnership, trust, camaraderie, and other such feelings jumbling up together. Pain, happiness, and everything in between. The feelings he felt with L-Elf were impossible to convey in words. When he was with him, Haruto felt that he was being dragged around, running freely, and tumbling headfirst through every single human emotions. If his relationship with Rukino and Shouko could be shortened up to moments, then he and L-Elf would be inextricably linked. The contract, the battles, the burden, the secret, and other tiny sequences of time when he was always bound to L-Elf.
When something happened, he was the first person that Haruto wanted to tell it about.
When he was alone, he was who Haruto first thought up about.
Then, there was also the question that Kyuuma had asked him…is this love?
If so, then he must surely be in love with L-Elf.
There was once a song that went on like this;
Is it okay? Is it okay?
Is it okay to like someone this much?
Is it okay to trust someone this much?
Is it okay to fall this hard?
It is okay because it is someone that you have chosen.
It is okay because it is the path that you have chosen.
The path that you have chosen.
With that thought in mind, Haruto smiled and then ran. It sounded horribly clichéd, but he truly felt that a great weight had been lifted up from his shoulders. He loved L-Elf, the realization was almost laughable in its simplicity. Why doesn't he realize it sooner? The feelings that he had tried to dismiss and hide behind layers upon layers of excuses had finally burst forth. Like a tiny crack in an overfilled dam, but this time, he didn't try to fight against the current and went along with it. He couldn't say for sure if this was the right thing to do, but Haruto knew that he wanted this. If miracles were not given, but created, then he would push on all the available buttons with his might and hoped for the best. That it would prove to be a happy turn to their story. Was it alright for him to be a little selfish? Humans were all a selfish being right from the very beginning and no matter how much he had tried to deny it, Haruto was no exception. No matter how much he had tried to rationalize his unworthiness with the gravity of his sins and his monstrous powers, in the end it was the same. He was still selfish and desired for attachment. The will to be loved existed in the genes of heroes and murderers alike, he could only hope that such feelings would make him a bit more human. Weak, cowardly, and selfish Haruto who would still keep on trying. He might not be able to completely break free of the cycle of guilt and self hatred that he had imposed upon himself, but at the very least, this would be the first step.
The dividing line and constricting chains were all going to be broken, and it was all thanks to his friends and him. If Haruto were going to describe his love, first and foremost, it would be [thank you]. Thank you for being there, thank you for saving me, thank you for bearing the burden together, the list went on and on. No matter if meeting him was a pure coincidence or even if it was all a lie, his feelings, his gratitude, wouldn't change. Because Haruto loved L-Elf and he loved himself who was like that. Let him be a fool, because you couldn't be both young and wise, and Haruto was much more the former rather than the latter. Everyone carried with them their own pain, confusion, and suffering. No one was free from troubles. No one was free from suffering. No one in the world was free from pain at least once. He, and other flesh-and-blood people living in the world, all of them had something about them that was foolish. He would stumble and fell, but wasn't life like that? He distanced himself from others because ultimately, he was afraid of being hurt, but it was impossible to go through life unscathed. He could lead a solitary life and surround himself in the luxury of hobbies until his heart harden and wouldn't break, but it wouldn't be like living at all. He should know that better, already.
After all, the earth had existed for billions of years and hadn't stopped spinning ever since. Surely, everything will fall into place.
With that, Haruto bid goodbye to his cowardly old self.
He was still too weak for a great leap, but at least it was a small step forward.
Haruto ran faster, starting from the first floor hallways and going up to the third floor where he found L-Elf in a deserted classroom. He was reading a book as per usual, and didn't seem to be unfazed in the least by Haruto's sudden appearance. Face flushed, feet sore, and breath heavy from all the running, Haruto then took a mouthful of air and steadied himself. It was time to give a plot changing twist to their story. In contrast to his earlier frantic dash and the weight of the situation, he felt strangely calm.
Is it always this easy?
"I like you, L-Elf."