Prologue
Clary

Clary's diary, 07.09.2016

I once believed that there was good in everything, everyone. Now I split my attitude in before and after. Before everything happened, before my life was turned into the mess it nowadays is. And after, precisely the mess my life is right now.

Before everything happened, I was your pretty average girl, in most things at least. I've had a crush on the quarterback of our schools' football team, Jonathan, I've had a best friend with whom I discussed my every step about my crush and I had a best guy friend, Simon, with whom I also discussed my every step about my crush. The only difference between Simon and Maia was that Simon also was very good friends with Jonathan, so I would always persuade him that he would play cupid for me and Jonathan.

Before everything happened I had pretty good grades, in fact I was a straight A-Student apart from maths, P.E. And physics and I've also had parents before. They weren't supportive or loving, they were just parents.

It's hard to understand this, but now I'm kind of glad they are the way they are. I mean, there also is a story, why they are just parents.

Just parents. Neither loving, nor supporting, just parents.

I still have all of the things above in my life, but everything has changed. Just like I changed because of everything, Simon changed and Maia changed and my parents changed.

I've also had on older brother before, Sebastian, who was best friends with Meliorn.

What I've also had before were my two bullies, Seelie and Meliorn. Seelie didn't like me because I nearly beat her in all our lessons and Meliorn didn't like me because Seelie was has girlfriend. So whereas Seelie would always insult me and call me names, I would get bruises and kicks from Meliorn. I would never tell my parents or my brother about any of this, although Maia and Simon would always persuade me to do so, but I didn't dare, simply due to the fact, that my Mom was best friends with Mrs. Herondale, Jace's mother.

And Jace was the other one of Meliorn's best friend.

Before, I didn't dare to do a lot of things. I was your common, shy girl, who wouldn't speak up for herself, who wouldn't defend herself, because I was to afraid of what consequences might come from it.

I would never, ever give Seelie a comeback, or Meliorn a kick back, because I was to afraid of them. I would never accept the help Simon and Maia offered me, because I'd seen what Meliorn did to Jace who once defended me.

Before, I simply was afraid of anything at all.

I wouldn't have the guts to walk up to Jonathan and just say: "Hey", I wouldn't call Seelie all these names I would make up, if I had time to spare; I wouldn't answer back Mom and Dad, when I didn't agree with them, sometimes I wouldn't even tell Simon and Maia what I would rather want to do.

I was trapped within the hole I had scooped out by myself. I did want to enjoy life, I did want to do all these things I was to afraid to do, I did want to life my live the way I wanted to life it, I did wanted a lot of things.

But I never did anything to get out of my hole.

Until everything happened.

For sixteen, nearly seventeen years, I stood happily in my hole, watching the others enjoying their lives, but not doing anything to come enjoying live myself.

But everything changes.

And everything did change.

Everything did change over this summer.

And I'm not your average girl anymore. Because now is after.

And living in the after I don't know what or who I want to be anymore.

So this is the story. This is why I am the way I am now.

This is my story.

8 weeks earlier

"Clary, we've gone through this, what, like a hundred times by now?", Mom asks, sounding tired. She always sounds tired now.

After Sebastian.

"We can't Clary, there's no other solution."

Yes, there is, I think. You could take me with you. I just don't say it out loud.

"Clary, you've agreed to this!", she sounds desperate now. "Right after..."

Sebastian. Right after Sebastian happened. Right after everything happened.

"It's only for your own good."

It's just for your own good, Clary, I've heard these words my whole life.

Lies!, I want to scream, but no sound escapes my lips. I haven't said a single word in almost a month now. Not since Sebastian.

"Besides, you've always liked it at aunt Amatis', didn't you?", she asks now and flashes me a smile, which, I guess, is supposed to be encouraging and reassuring. It's none of these things. If anything, it frightens me even more of what lies ahead of me. Mom and I both know that I won't be visiting her sister, aunt Amatis, to visit aunt Amatis. I won't be even seeing her that much, I guess, since I'll be working in my free hours.

And Mom has made sure that I'm not going to have much free hours to spare.

So I just nod.

I nod and do what's expected from me, just like I always do. It seems to be the only thing I'm good at.

I like aunt Amatis, I really do. Sebastian and I always visited her for the half of our summer break, which means in the previous years.

As little kids we enjoyed all the advantages it has, when your family runs a hotel brand and your aunt owns a hotel at the west coast, to be more specific, in Los Angeles even. I mean, all the hotels our family owns are in Cali, but aunt Amatis really has got the must luck, with Los Angeles. We don't live to far from Los Angeles either, but aunt Amatis' hotel's location is everything you can ask for: the beach is only a half mile away and you have a beautiful view from all the windows, either you can look at the beach or you can look at Angeles itself.

As we grew older, Sebastian and I started to help aunt Amatis, Sebastian would start working at the bar and sometimes I would help him out, too, but what I liked even more was being in the kitchen, and cooking. This would mean that I could be far, far away from Sebastian.

I don't know what I am supposed to do, now, that I'll be there alone. Definitely not working at the bar, though, I suppose, aunt Amatis could really need the help there, because you can forget most of the staff members that work at the bar, maybe apart from Jordan and Aline. Though I didn't even interact much with them, they would always concentrate on Sebastian.

It's always been like this, Sebastian in the bright stage light, I in his shadows. I'm pretty sure it will continue to be like this, even more so, after everything that has happened.

Again, I let Mom do everything for me.

I let her take my not really packed trolley – not really packed due to the fact that there are so much shops near the hotel, I won't need much clothes -, I let her pack it into the car.

I let her shove me into the car. I let her drive me to Angeles, without even saying goodbye to neither Simon, Maia or Dad. Though I suppose, Dad doesn't even want to see my face anymore.

It's not like I would have said anything, anyways.

I let Mom do the talking for me, when we arrive at Aunt Amatis', explaining the obvious Aunt Amatis knows anyways. Everyone, anyone knows. It's the news, regardless that everything happened over a month ago. The gossip about Sebastian became even more popular due to the fact that no one, and I repeat, absolutely no one, would've expected anything quite like this.

It's just so unlike for our family.

Or, maybe, it isn't. At least, not for our family itself.

Then, Mom is gone and I'm left with aunt Amatis alone. As she leads me to our – no my – room she tries a few feeble attempt to make conversation, but fails completely. When we finally reach the suite for me and – no, only for me, she seems almost glad that she hasn't got to do anymore talking.

Or, more like it, not talking.

I mean, it must be pretty hard to talk to someone, who won't answer, who doesn't talk at all. At least that much I gathered from Maia's outburst she's had, right after I've told her – well not actually literally told her, but you know, what I mean – that I would spend the rest of my summer break in Angeles.

Simon's reaction was similar.

Simon added, that it would be pointless to even think that I could even try to avoid them. If they had to, they would come here and check in here, Maia had said to that.

Well, I believe, they certainly could do that, both their parents have enough money, just like mine, I just hope, they won't.

I don't want to see them right now.

In fact, I don't want to see anybody at all.

Or talk to anybody.

Well, the talking part is easy, really.

I'm at the bar right now, although I don't want to be here, I haven't said anything. People keep on giving me odd looks due to the fact, that I don't talk to them, but they seem satisfied that I pour them their drinks, mix them their cocktails, whatever.

Sebastian taught me, back then. Before.

That was one of the few things he did do right, at least.

I'm interrupted in my thoughts, when someone asks me for a drink again. Only, that this person doesn't ask me for a drink, in fact. The voice sounds so disbelieving.

Familiar.

"Clary?"

This is my story.

Well, at least the start of it.

Because, in fact, I'm still not really living in the after.

But neither in the before.

Please review, I'd love to hear your opinions! 3