My Immortal
Disclaimer: neither the characters nor the song is mine. characters:J.R.R. Tolkien(got it fixed, everyone happy now)song: Evanesence (however u spell that)
AN - this is an odd little thing i randomly decided to write one day. It's okay, i don;t like it as much as i did. WARNING: this is completely AU, which i don't usually write but whatever AND it deals with suicide so if that sort of thing bugs you or creeps you out or whatever i suggest that you probably don't read my story. Although it mentions nothing graphic, it is still rather angsty.
Elrond staggered away from his son, barely able to breathe at what his mind was still trying to process. Estel's words wrung out in his head
I'm so tired of being here
Even though they had been written Elrond could hear Estel, he could feel his pain as he said these words through his tears in his confused mind.
Suppressed by all my childish fears
Elrond placed a shaking hand over his mouth, looking at his son's pale face. It was haunting, haunting because it looked peaceful as it hadn't for so long.
And if you have to leave
Elrond closed his eyes, unwilling to face the facts, but they played before him in his head. Estel had been happy, the happy memories lingered taunting him, making him feel even more what he had just lost.
I wish that you would just leave
He collapsed to the ground, shaking as flashes of his son played before him. Telling him what he had missed, picking at every thing he could have done, and should have done.
'Cause your presence still lingers here
Tears fell from the Elf lords eyes as he looked upon his son again. He was gone, and he should have seen. He should have helped, what good was he if he couldn't help. Elrond curled up, trying to hide from the thoughts of what had happened, but couldn't.
And it won't leave me alone
He saw the words in his mind that Estel had written from within himself
These wounds won't seem to heal
Elrond sobbed into his hands wondering why Estel didn't tell him sooner, why he had to wait, why he had to wait until he had to do this.
This pain is just too real
Something so irreversible.
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Elrond loving held his son's hand, remembering when Estel was young, how he could fix anything, and when Estel came crying…
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When he had nightmares, his parents being murdered in front of him, haunting him constantly, when Estel screamed.
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
Elrond remembered every moment of every day he'd gotten his son through, every frustration, every question, every illness he was at Estel's bedside at, holding his hand, going through it all with him.
And I held your hand through all of these years
Elrond cried harder as he tugged his sons hand nearer to his own chest, his own heart. All of that was gone, memories with no one to reminisce with.
But you still have
All of me
Elrond climbed into bed with his son, keeping him warm, living in denial. Elrond remembered Estel's childhood,
You used to captivate me
He was bright and happy, always lively and running about, willing to do anything.
By your resonating light
Elrond toyed with his sons dark unruly locks, there was no more of that to come, he realized with a painful truth. Elrond was left with what he had, never to know what Estel would become. There would be no king for Gondor.
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Gondor would be left with the thought of a smiling child that never grew up to be the king he was destined to be, as would Elrond.
Your face it haunts
Elrond was quick to blame himself, he had been to harsh on Estel, wanting him to live up to what he was supposed to be.
My once pleasant dreams
His heart ached, he pushed Estel away sometimes, made him push away his feelings. He let out another gut wrenching sob.
Your voice it chased away
Did Estel even know how much he loved him? Could he be a part of this, was he to be blame? Of course he was, if Estel had been that desperate it was obvious that the boy didn't think he could come to Elrond. 'Oh God.' Thought Elrond. 'Estel didn't know how much I loved him, he did this because…because of me.'
All the sanity in me
And the words reverberated within his head, taunting him, letting him know he was a failure. He had failed his son.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Elrond thought he had broken, that's literally what his heart felt like, breaking into a million little pieces, scattering across the floor. Pieces of his soul screaming out to him, but he couldn't reach them. His son…
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
He thought he could protect his son, he had sworn that Rivendell would be the best place for him, the protection of his ring could ward off all evil that tried to come to him.
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
But no matter of rings, boundaries, rules could save his son from himself. Elrond gripped Estel's hand harder.
And I held your hand through all of these years
He prayed that he could have his son back, prayed to anyone who would listen that they give him Estel back, he would do better, he would understand Estel, didn't they know that he needed Estel, Estel kept his heart beating.
But you still have
All of me
Elrond gripped the hand, trying to will the fact Estel was dead away.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
Estel's angry scribbled letters flew though his mind, along with an image of Estel, sobs racking his body, a knife lying nearby. 'It's as though you are dead father…'
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
Elrond cried out loud to the gods 'I want my baby back, please just give me my baby back!'
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
'We need him, the world needs him, can't you see the world will fall apart without him!' he was screaming.
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
He collapsed inward again, mumbling into his hands. 'Can't you see I need him, can't you see I'll fall apart without him.'
And I held your hand through all of these years
Elrond looked at Estel and he realized no one was listening. But as he gripped onto his son, his own strength for staying awake failing him, he couldn't help but try. 'I'm here, I breath, but can't you see…'
But you still have
All of me
'Estel has my heart, Estel is my heart, my heart is gone.'