A/N I do not own Merlin. It is owned by the BBC. Short and sweet disclaimer.
Also this is my first attempt at a crack!fic and is mostly dialogue.
The Correct Treatment of a King
As decided by Merlin Emrys
"Sooooooooooooooooo, how' s life as a King treating you?"
"Merlin, please don't make it so obvious this early in the morning that you're an idiot"
"Wow, that's a very long insult coming from you, sire, especially at this time in the morning, as you pointed out."
"Merlin, get out!"
"Sorry, Your Highness I can't do that after all you have your "kingly" duties to attend to.
"Merlin do not tell me you put quotation marks around kingly again. We have already had this discussion. I am King of Camelot -
"Sire –"
and no this is not some sort of alternate reality where a witch has put a spell on me to make me think that.
"Sire, we don't have time fo –"
"Nor is it the result of a hallucination after being poisoned by an imp -"
"Arthur, shut up and lis-"
"Nor is it the case that I'm in a coma searching for answers because if it were you would not be the one who would be my guide –"
"Not like you would know if you were in a coma" muttered Merlin, giving up on getting Arthur to listen to him.
"-And I'm definitely not an actor called Bradley filming a television show about Camelot legends and a wizard called Merlin played by some guy called Colin-"
"Now you're just going mental and it's warlock"
"Therefore the only conclusion that I can come to about your actions is that you are a clotpole-"
"That's my word"
"who cannot separate reality from fiction-"
"like you"
" And is such a rubbish servant that he can't-
"Not a servant anymore"
"follow a simple order to not mock his king. What do you say to that Merlin?"
"I would say that you are an idiot and that if you had allowed to me to speak you would have realised that you have a meeting with King Frim in 10 minutes but since you spent that time ranting at me for something I didn't even do you now have a grand total of 2 minutes to get dressed and as you have recently promoted me to court sorcerer and have been too lazy to appoint a new servant you'll have to do it yourself. I graciously decided I would continue to do it until you picked a new servant but since you ranted at me this morning I have changed my mind. Oh listen to that I hear the horns from Frim's army. I'd better go and greet them since the king is incapacitated. Toodles."
"Merlin"