I will admit, I have no idea where this came from and it's mildly pointless, but I had so much fun writing it I had to upload!
Disclaimer: I own nothing that you recognize, unless you recognize a genuine love of Kol's humor, Klaroline, and an Acer laptop I despise.
"Finn, you dimwit!" Rebekah's cry echoed through the mansion, breaking Kol's concentration. He groaned, feeling his doom near and when it came, he couldn't say he hadn't expected it. "Shut it, sister!" He yelled, knowing she'd hear him even from across the house, returning his focus to the small object in his hands.
Careful, careful, no! That was a close one, not the bloody—oh, that was easy, yes, yes, careful, careful—
"No, Finn that is not for getting creases out of your pantaloons!" Rebekah yelled again, once again pulling Kol out of it. He groaned as the Guy Dangerous fell off the path and into the water, ending his game. And he'd been so close to getting a high score, too! He sighed, slipping his shiny new iPhone into his pocket (pausing to admire his reflection in the little apple at the back first, of course) before getting off the barstool and leaving the kitchen to see what havoc his dear brother Finn was creating now.
The poor soul had been in a coffin for centuries, which put him hopelessly behind on most things; such as hairdryers, for instance. Kol had found him holding his the way one would grip a gun, only facing himself, looking terrified out of his mind as he tried to figure out how to turn the damned thing burning his face off. Kol had, of course, helped him out, not screamed at him so loudly everyone in the town would be deafened (on that thought, he'd missed an excellent opportunity).
"What's Finn doing now?" He heard Nik say as he entered the parlor (or had they moved on from parlor? He wasn't too sure, what with having been daggered more than a hundred years himself). Somehow Nik was still completely engrossed in the little sketch pad he'd been obsessing over for as long as Kol had been awake this century.
"Blow-drying his trousers." On that thought, he was sure they had moved on from trousers, too. The new world spoke only in monosyllables such as LOL, which didn't really make him laugh at all. Maybe it was a metaphor of some sort.
"I'm bored, Nik." His brother barely even looked up. He groaned. So much time, nothing to do. "Come out with me, get some drinks, wreak some havoc. Liven up this one pony town?" Nik looked up this time, only giving him a cross look.
"Remember what happened the last time we did that?" When had his brother become such a spoilsport? What happened to the Nik of 1784, who'd raided the liquor cabinets of the Earl of Gloucester at the risk of beheading or public execution (the Earl of Gloucester had been very fond of his liquor; and very fine liquor it had been) only for boredom? Of course, it was in a fight for abovementioned drink that Nik had daggered Kol for the seventh time, only to undagger and re-dagger him in the next thirty hours? Oh, the joys of drunken debauchery.
"Let's see, you were blown off by a pretty little blonde you continue to be obsessed with, a fiesty doctor was forced to say no to my charms because of a jealous history teacher who daggered me, Mother attempted to end the vampire race and Finn attempted suicide. Am I missing something or is that all?" Nik rolled his eyes and continued bending over his sketchbook. "Come on, brother! I'm bored! Nothing to do in blasted Mystic Falls!" Nik waved his hand as if it wasn't important (he, Kol, not important? Why, the outrage!) and muttered something that sounded a lot like shouldn't have undaggered you in the first place—oh, wait, I didn't! before saying,
"Go destroy something to relieve yourself. I'm busy." Well then, if he had his big brother's permission he woud definitely do that! Starting with—oh, the doorbell rang! Someone was at the door! He smirked to himself at the thought of how fun this would be (the possibilities were few judging by the quick, nervous unsteady beat he didn't hear) as he skipped to the door and pulled it open, smirking at their visitor.
Oh, perfect. He could start with his brother's blooming relationship with everyone's favorite baby vampire.
"Is Klaus here?" The blonde asked, resting a hand on her hip and looking very much like she didn't want to see him (oh, that hurt, right there). He gave her a big, warm smile and shook his head politely. "Kol, is Klaus here? Your brother?" She repeated, and he shook his head once more.
"He's busy, sweet Caroline, but why don't you and I head over to the bar and have a few drinks?" He slung his arm around her shoulder and felt her trying to push it off, but ignored her prodding and poking and telling him to find someone else to molest or she'd break his fingers. Even her threats were improbable!
"KOL!" He heard his brother hybrid yell and kicked the door shut backwards, hearing it bang into Nik's nose before it was pushed open again and his hand was wrenched away from the small frame of Caroline's shoulders. Raising his hands to admit defeat before Nik tore out his liver or something, Kol stepped backwards and ran back into the house.
Well, that had been no fun at all. Nik would even score some points with Caroline by admonishing Kol's behavior. What terrible times had befallen this sad world. Niklaus Mikaelson the big bad hybrid and Caroline Forbes, dainty fairy princess that happened to be a vampire. On thoughts of dainty fairy princesses, where was his sister?
He flounced upstairs in search for his little strumpet sister, finding her lying in his bed with a book in her hands. He frowned; it wasn't like his sister to be so quietly doing something constructive. And it certainly wasn't like him to stand by and watch her be so (he shuddered at the very word) good.
"Bekah!" He yelled in her ear and she jumped, as if she hadn't even noticed him sneak up on her. She yelped and shoved the book hastily under her bed, as if she were ashamed of him finding her reading it. As she should be. Reading, what a horrible pastime. So peaceful, so dull, so entirely non-troubling to all beings around you, how could one bear it? He'd hated the times when reading had been the only pastime to those less active, or those less fortunate as did not own lands. The twenty-first century was much better. Video games, so much more fun than books. Why, he could run someone over or shoot down an entire street from the comfort of his living room!
"What is it?" She yelled back, glaring at him.
"I'm bored." He yelled, and she made a face.
"Go annoy someone else. I'm reading." He made a worse face and made haste to distance himself from her. Reading. Sighing in frustration at how boring his death had become, he left the room and heard her pull the book back out from under the bed. Rushing back in immediately, he pulled the book out of her hands and sped to the kitchen, turning pages randomly and reading whatever page stopped first.
Wait. Wait, was this book about? No. He turned some more pages, his eyes wide in shock and amusement. Yes, it was! "Kol, come back here right now with my book!" He heard her shrieking, and pressed his lips together to contain laughter as he continued to read the erotic scene he had come across in Rebekah's beloved book. This was precious, his little harlot was reading this?
"Rebekah," he called as he heard her enter the kitchen and pull the gem out of his hands. "Are you reading porn?" Kol had the feeling that if she could, his sister would blush. She gave him a tight punch in his stomach and sped away from him and probably into her room to devour more lukewarm sex.
Kol had the feeling this could lead to something more. Leaving his home, he found Caroline and Nik still in the driveway, looking pathetically infatuated. He rushed to them and saw both their gazes snap to him immediately and turn annoyed, then cackled in glee. No, even disrupting Caroline and Nik's romance could wait, this was too good. Too bloody perfect.
Two minutes and thirty-seven seconds later, he had found his victims. The doppelganger and her pet witch sat at a table, heads together conversing in hushed voices about his brother. Oh, unimportant stuff. Seating himself at his table and leaning in, placing his head on his closed fists, he gave the two a cheshire grin, feeling their wary eyes close on him before he spoke.
"So, Fifty Shades of Grey." He'd caught the name before Rebekah had ran away with it. Both the girls choked, the witch turning a considerable shade of pink. Well, this was interesting. "What?" Elena asked, and the witch, Bonnie if he'd got it right, seemed too shocked to even utter that word.
"I found my sister reading it, thought it was interesting. Do either of you have a copy I could borrow?" Once again both of them choked, Elena finding her tongue first.
"You do know what the book is about, Kol?" She asked, and he chuckled.
"Absolutely," he said, grinning widely. "In fact, I was even wondering if I could try some of it out, only better, of course. Are either of you two up for it?" If it was possible, Bonnie's darker skin seemed to turn even pinker. That was definitely interesting. "No, then? I suppose I shall have to ask Caroline if she too owns a copy I can borrow." He got off the chair and started to make his way away, speaking as he did: "That should be considerably easier, seeing as she's at home already. Maybe Nik would like to read it with me if his girlfriend does own a copy." At the reaction he got from this (scraping of chairs, standing up of a doppelganger and a witch, chorused "What?!"s) he grinned.
All in all, he could say it was a successful day.
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