"You're just a small bump unknown, you'll grow into your skin.
With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.
Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice,
And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide
A small bump, in four months you'll open your eyes."
"Claudia!"
He yelled her name as he walked in the house, it was late and he didn't even know if she was still awake. After he had come home and found her in that damn glider, he had gone out and started a foundation for their little boy- the one he had denied as his own. He had come back and she was still in the glider, eyes closed, stuffed dog in her arms like their son should have been. He understood the grief and the anger that she felt; he had felt it so many times before. They had talked about the trains and the freedom their son would have had. It all got too real and they had gotten too close, so he left. He went and stood on the docks, thinking about what their son would've looked like had he survived the crash. He thought about how he knew once Dr. Lee cleared Claudia, she would want another baby, because that was how she coped. She would want to throw herself into a project and a project for another baby would work for her.
There was no answer to his yell so he figured she must've gone to bed. He opened the doors to the living room and flicked on the light. The glider still sat next to the couch and rage overcame him. He had failed his baby boy. He was supposed to be there when Claudia got the results of the amnio, he was supposed to be there to drive her home so that they could start a new, different life together. Everything was going to change once he knew that child was his, but that was the point. Didn't he know? Didn't he know when he felt their child kick from within her? He should've known that the baby was his flesh and blood within her. This was all his fault.
He crossed the room quickly after slamming the door behind him and pushed the glider on its side. The noise it made rattled the entire house, but he didn't feel any better. So he started beating on the chair, picking it up and throwing it to the floor, obviously ruining the hard wood floors underneath it, but he didn't even realize it. He screamed in rage. It was his fault. The pain Claudia felt was his fault. The accident was his fault. The fact that Kristina now had a carry the burden of killing her baby brother was his fault. Everything was his fault. Michael's shooting, the fact that his kids could barely stand him, Jason getting shot while looking for his kids. He always thought the business was the problem, but it was him, he was the problem.
"Sonny...?"
She reached out to touch his arm as he was in the middle of hitting the chair. He didn't even recognize that it was his emotionally and physically frail wife, and because of that he shoved her back forcing her to fall on the couch, the small tool she held in her hand flew on the floor, making a small noise. All she had to do was let out a small whine and he was broken from his trance. His hair and eyes were crazy and she could see the damage behind his eyes. The chair was in multiple pieces and even though it hurt her heart to see the chair broken, the pain in her head and neck, where Patrick had cut her open, hurt worse.
"Damn it, Claudia, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"
He helped her up into a sitting position and watched as she grabbed the bandage where her incision was. He knew that moment that she was hurt, that he had hurt her more than he already had. This was just another thing that was his fault. He reached out to touch her, just as he had that night, but pulled away at the last minute, like he always did. He knew she was crying before the tears even started to fall.
"I'm sorry, I was stupid, I should've known better than to try to interrupt…whatever that was. God, I'm sorry."
She looked up at him and all the anger behind his eyes had disappeared. She couldn't keep looking at him though because her head was still throbbing. She didn't understand why it hurt so bad, considering it hadn't hurt this bad since her first day out of the hospital. She noticed her putty knife on the floor and picked it up on the table in front of her. He saw what she did, but didn't want to question her at the moment. He just wanted to make sure she was okay, that was all that mattered at the moment.
"Come on, we're going to the hospital, you're in pain."
He gingerly reached down to grab the hand that wasn't holding her head, he felt awful and this was the only way her knew how to make it better, but he wasn't surprised when she shook away his hand. She was still just as stubborn and resilient as she had always been.
"Sonny, I'm fine, you just shoved me and I fell on the couch, our very soft couch."
"It could've reinjured your head."
"But it didn't, Sonny. I'm fine, really. Stop, I'm not carrying your child anymore, you don't have to worry about me."
"Just because you're not pregnant, doesn't mean I don't care. Look, I really am sorry. It didn't even register in my mind that I could've woken you up and you would try to stop me from dismantling the chair."
"Woken me up? I wasn't sleeping when you came home, I was doing something else."
His eyebrows rose and he wondered if they were reverting to their old selves, the ones that hid secrets from one another. He had promised her things were going to be different when he brought her home from the hospital and that was the only way to honor their son. They had sworn on it.
"Are we doing this again? I thought we said…"
"I was taking his wallpaper down, okay, Sonny? I didn't wanna tell you after what I just witnessed. Are we gonna talk about that by the way?"
Earlier that day, they had gotten close like they had months ago. Months before the baby and the accusation that she was responsible for Michael's shooting, months before their marriage of inconvenience started going down hill. He knew when he let her in she took advantage and tried to get further in, she was just like Carly, but he would never admit that to her.
"You were taking down the wallpaper? I could've hired someone to do that. You shouldn't be exerting yourself like that Claudia, it's not good for you."
"All this concern would've been great a week ago when I was still pregnant with our son, when I was being commanded to take an easy and to rest and it mattered. It doesn't matter anymore. Whatever, Sonny, look are we done here? Cause there's a room upstairs right next to mine where our son should be sleeping and he's not and he never will and the only thing making it a nursery is the stupid train wallpaper I picked out and I need it to be gone, cause I can't sleep and when I do I wake up thinking he's kicking me. You know he would do that at night, he was always so active at night and I would get him settled and we would both be still, but then I guess my breathing would slow and he'd kick me, like he wanted to make sure I was okay. Look, I'm probably never gonna sleep again, but I gotta give myself a chance, I gotta take down the wallpaper."
She pushed herself up using the coffee table for leverage; she steadied herself, grabbed her putty knife and walked up the stairs. He shook his head and let out a small huff before following her up the stairs and into their child's nursery. The moonlight lit the room and he was hit by how empty it was- how empty he was and how empty Claudia was or he assumed she was. He looked up at her as she scrapped the wallpaper. Before saying anything, he took a chance to just look at her. Her body looked so small except for the small swell where their son used to reside. He understood now why she had stopped eating in the hospital and why she needed to get rid of the nursery- she had a reminder of her loss that she carried on her body. He felt bad, he had barely paid attention during the pregnancy and one day he was actually paying attention, which is when he noticed how much she had grown with the baby. He could imagine her growing even larger with their son and it hurt him to know he wouldn't be able to witness that.
"Claudia…"
She refused to stop, no she couldn't stop. The room had to be destroyed. If it was up to her, they would've moved by now and they would have blown up the house. Everywhere she went, she saw herself with her son inside of her. She didn't know how she could be so filled with pain, but yet feel so empty at the same time.
When he realized she wasn't going to stop, he grabbed her hand and she automatically dropped the putty knife, turned to him and started crying. He pulled her into his arms and her face buried into the nape of his neck. He let out a deep, calming breath, trying not to get frustrated with this back and forth game they had been going through.
"Claudia, I'm so sorry, I should've been there that night, you should've never been rushing home to tell me that our son was mine. It's my fault that you're still not pregnant with our son. This is my fault."
She shoves him away from her and gives him a look of anger.
"Get out of my son's room now."
Her tone leaves little to be argued with, but he's going to anyways because she really hasn't been eating and she's been crying and it's been a week and she hasn't even been sarcastic or smiled.
"Why?"
"Don't you get it? It's not your fault, it's mine! I was driving too fast and over corrected when someone came into my lane. I was supposed to protect our son and I failed. He's dead, because of me."
He gently grabbed her shoulders so she would look at him.
"I should've been there, to find out the results with you, then someone else would've been driving, you wouldn't have been speeding. Things would be completely different, Claudia!"
"Does it really matter, Sonny? Cause we can go back and forth and try to blame ourselves and each other, but it doesn't make a difference. At the end of day I'm still not pregnant and we're still standing in an empty room that was supposed to be our son's nursery. No matter whose fault it is, our son is dead, he died inside of me and we watched as he just faded away. I'm still just as empty no matter whose fault this is."
He watched as her small body slid down the rough, wallpaper-less wall. Her face was firmly planted in her hands, but she wasn't crying, he didn't hear her crying at least. He sat down next to her and threw his arm around her to pull her close to him.
"You're okay, Claudia. I feel empty too."
"You didn't even think he was yours."
Before the miscarriage, she would've said this harshly and with malice, but today her voice was soft and her words were not meant to harm him, they were just a statement of fact. He pulled her a little closer and rested his cheek on the top of her head. He felt like he needed to let go, because this was more contact than they had had in months outside of sex. This was probably the first time he had really touched her, period, outside of sex.
"I'll regret that fact for the rest of my life, but once I knew he was mine I was ready to make a real life for him and you, Claudia. I had hopes for our little boy just like you did. But it kills me a little more everyday that he barely knew the sound of his father's voice except for when he was yelling at his mother."
"Is that why you destroyed the glider? It reminded you of how we both acted this last few months."
"I guess so, I was just so mad at that thing getting here today and reminding us of what we had lost, but even without physical reminders I still remember every day what you went through."
"I'm just so tired, Sonny, all the time. I didn't even get to meet him or know him or know what he looks like, but it still hurts so much. I never expected it to hurt so bad, I never expected to want something as much as I wanted him."
She started to pull away from him and he wonders why, but he doesn't stop her. He learned a long time ago to not stop her if she had set her mind to something. When she stands up, however, her whole body sways. It reminds him of early in her pregnancy, before he knew there was a possibility of the baby not being his, when she was sick all the time and she would always sway as she walked. He quickly gets up to help steady her, he knew she would probably shake him off, but he still wanted to help.
"You're dizzy? We really should take you to get checked out."
"It's late, Sonny, I'm just going to clean up the glider. I'll go in the morning if it'll make you feel better."
She goes to walk out of the room, but he grabs her wrist to stop her.
"Max and Milo will clean that up in the morning."
"They shouldn't have to clean it up, Sonny."
"The glider wasn't your fault either, come on, come to my room so I can keep an eye on you and that brain of yours."
She eyes him suspiciously, wondering if this is just him honestly caring about her or if he somehow has alternative motives, but she doesn't know of any that he could have. That is, unless he plans on killing her in her sleep if, by some miracle, she does manage to fall asleep. She hasn't given him a reason to, though, so she doesn't think that's it.
"Come on, Claudia, I just want to make sure you're okay."
He grabs her hand, turns off the light in the nursery and leads her to his bedroom, even though she already knows the way. She's pleasantly surprised to find one of her oversized shirts and a pair of her running shorts on an overly stuffed chair that sits by his windowsill; it's from one of times that she shared his bed while she was still pregnant. She changes quickly while he's still in the bathroom, it's not the most flattering outfit, but it's not like they're going to have sex. She's slightly embarrassed by her body now. She used to be small and have a well-built body, but now her stomach, which she used to be proud of when it housed her son, sticks out with a small swell. She knows that it will take time to get better, but she wishes the process would just hurry up. She sits on his bed with her knees at her chest and jumps when his bathroom door opens.
"Sorry, I look like a hobo."
He smiles and laughs at her as his dimples pop out. She suddenly wonders if their son would've had those beautiful dimples when he smiled too. She liked to believe he would. She liked to believe that he was up in heaven playing with the angels and the other children that Sonny had lost.
"You look fine."
He gets into the bed next to her and pulls the comforter around both of them.
"The nights are the hardest."
She's staring straight ahead and he can imagine her lying in her bed for the past five days just staring at the ceiling. He pulls her to his chest and just lets her lie there. At first, she's rigid, but then her body relaxes against him. He knows she's going to want to ask more questions and he decides that he will answer any questions she has.
"Do you think he was in pain? Do you think he was scared?"
"No, I don't think he was scared or in pain. You were talking to him, right, and I was talking to him. You were his mom and I think he knows you were there and that you loved him. I like to think that he's up in heaven and that my first wife, Lily, is watching out for him and he's playing with his other siblings that are up there."
She's silent for a long time and he knows she's thinking about their little boy in heaven.
"Do you ever imagine holding him?"
Her eyes stare up at him and for the first time in these five days, her eyes aren't completely filled with pain. He tries to smile at her, he doesn't know what to say, actually he does, but he doesn't want to talk about it. Here they go, getting too close again.
"I imagine a lot of things. I imagine how he would look. Obviously he would've had black hair, since both of us do, and he would've had our skin tone. Your lips and mouth and eyes. We would've taken him to the park when he was old enough and let him run around and watch the ducks swim in the water. And I always have this image of him falling and us running to him and picking him up and letting him hold our hands so that he knew he was safe. He would've been safe with us, Claudia, I promise you that much."
She smiles and nods, but doesn't speak. He has more to say and she knows it.
"Tonight when I left, I went to the docks, right where I went after I hung up on the abortion clinic the day we found out you were pregnant, and I just thought. I can imagine coming home from the office and opening the door to you and him playing cars in the living room. I can see that little boy running to me and yelling 'daddy!' and sometimes I can feel myself pick him up. I can see you watching us and me smiling over to you, because finally I got to have a real relationship with one of my kids from the very beginning of their life."
"You would've, Sonny, I know this marriage was unconventional and inconvenient to say the least and the pregnancy wasn't planned, but he was your son too and I wouldn't have kept him away from you."
Somewhere along the way their hands had managed to come together, but neither of them pulled away or even acknowledged the fact, instead they just let it be and kept talking. Both of them knew that this much contact wasn't normal in their relationship, but they didn't want to talk about it, it was easier to talk about their son, which was definitely saying something.
"I know that, the one way this marriage always did work was that you knew the business and I never had to shield you from anything. You never showed any fear of danger, until your father strapped you to that bomb."
She grins up at him.
"You were scared for me too, don't even joke, Sonny."
"I would never pretend that, if you had picked the wrong color wire, we would've both been blown to shreds. That was a rough night, but thankfully we got to put your father away after it."
"You would've thought life could be perfect once he was put behind bars, but I guess life can't be perfect."
"You're going to get through this, Claudia, we'll get through this."
"What happens after 'we' get through this, Sonny? Do you divorce me? Forget all about our son and our marriage, just cut your losses? And if not, what if I want things that you don't want anymore."
She watches as he rolls his eyes. She knows sometimes her questions annoy him to no end, but he's been letting her ask and she needs to know what's going to happen. She needs to know where she'll be in one month or one year from now, because she's not sure she'll still be living with Sonny. Nothing has ever been stable in her life and she's not sure it's going to change any time soon.
"I'm not going to divorce you just because our son is gone or because we don't want the same things, like I said this marriage works for both of us. Just live in the moment, Claudia. First, we need to get you better and then we'll worry about the rest later."
"Sonny, I can't-"
"Claudia, I brought you here to our house, your home. Let that be enough for now."
He pulls her closer to his body, trying to assure her that right now was all that mattered. One hand held hers while the other ran through her long hair. He knew it was comforting to her, because her breathing was becoming slow and steady. I was hoping that she would fall asleep before she could ask any more questions. Before he even realized it, his hand that was going through her hair slowed. He too was falling into a deep sleep, however their hands remained intertwined.
They didn't know what the next day or week or month held for them, but tonight, with their hands held together, just being together was enough to keep the nightmares away.
"'Cause you were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life.
Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why."