When I joined Star Fleet it was for one reason and one reason only, to have a place where I could do the only thing I was good at. I didn't expect to meet James Tiberius Kirk; the reckless, rebellious, brave, and intelligent golden boy. After threatening to throw up on the boy we became best friends, nearly inseparable. I felt myself falling fast for my best friend though I did everything in my albeit limited power to stop it.
When Jim became captain of the Enterprise and I his CMO we were no longer living in each other's pockets. I was still in love with him, there was no denying it but I didn't see him near as much as I had back at the academy. It gave my heart some relief, even more so when I was able to avoid thinking about it because I was too busy saving the idiots life. In all the time I've known him I was able to keep my feelings from him despite what my mother said about me wearing my heart on my sleeve.
In the end it was an away mission that started to do me in. Jim and I were meant to be acting as a couple since no single outsider was allowed in the towns on that planet. They needed a doctor and Jim was to discuss them making an alliance with Star Fleet. As much as I wanted to get out of it because I knew it would break me I couldn't, it was my duty. I also believe it would be the only time I would get to see what it was like to be in a relationship with Jim.
I was nervous as hell as I stepped onto the transporter beside Jim, my stomach twisting nervously. Jim didn't notice my nerves, he was too busy grinning cockily at Uhura and teasing her about not getting to go on this assignment with him. When she snorted I smiled and relaxed a little before we were transported onto the planet.
I took a deep breath before looking at Jim and taking his hand. I didn't want to open that door because I knew I wouldn't be able to close it again. Jim looked at their joined hands in surprise before schooling his features into his normal smile. With that they went and made their way to the ambassador of the planet.
The introductions were made and then we were all allowed to go to our rooms to rest and unpack. We had a large room with a single king sized bed, a large bathroom with two sinks and a giant bathtub though no shower. I looked around the room and smiled a little despite freaking out over the single bed.
After putting way my things I looked at Jim, trying not to notice the way his skin seemed to glow in the light of our room or the way it reflected in his eyes. I swallowed nervously before turning away. "I am going to go bathe." I said curtly before turning away quickly.
I hid in the bathroom for a good half hour before finally slipping out in a fresh uniform. Jim barely glanced at me from where he was laying on the bed with a glass of scotch in his hand. My heart clenched in pain at that but I stuffed the pain down next to the love and went to sit on the bed next to him. "Did you bring the scotch or did they provide it?" I asked curiously.
Jim smirked as he poured me a glass. "They provided it along with a lot more, both human and alien kinds." He sipped his scotch as his smirk grew more playful. "Though I thought we would save andorian ale for later."
His playfulness almost made me hope but I squashed that down quickly. I rolled my eyes at him as was expected before leveling a look at him. "Don't get your hopes up kid, I know you are a light weight compared to me." He chuckled at Jim's affronted look before rolling his eyes again.
The rest of the night past in comfortable companionship before it was time to go to sleep. Climbing into bed next to Jim I tried to stay as far away from him as I could and I didn't think I would be getting any sleep but the scotch made me sleepy so I relaxed into the plush mattress and closed my eyes, ignoring Jim as he shuffled and shifted beside me.
I fell asleep quickly and slept through the night despite it having been years since I shared a bed with another person. When I woke in the morning it was to Jim and I being cuddled together, his arms wrapped tightly around my waist and my face buried in his neck. I was warm and comfortable and happy to be in his arms and I didn't want to move. I was just starting to drift back to sleep in the comfort of his arms when the alarm went off signaling it was time to wake up.
As Jim woke slowly I extracted myself from his grip and hurried to the bathroom to try and pull myself together. I got dressed and ready for the day before vacating it to allow Jim a turn. I blinked in surprise when he pushed a mug full of coffee into my hands. I normally wasn't functional without it in the morning and Jim knew that enough to give me some though I tried not to look to much into it.
Jim was still in the bathroom when I left for my meetings since they were in the hospital which was farther away than his. I did my best not to think about him while I followed the crowd of other doctors towards the meeting but it was in vane. In fact I was so distracted by thoughts of him I forgot my notes.
I swore as I hurried back towards Jim and my room, hoping he was gone cause he would never let me hear the end of it. I was looking through my briefcase for the notes I needed for that days seminar when Jim came out of the bathroom.
"I thought you left already?" Jim asked as he came out wrapped in only a towel with droplets of water trailing down his chest. My eyes were instantly drawn to his chest and my mouth went dry. My eyes followed the water droplets down his stomach, along his happy trail and to the top of the towel. I swallowed hard before looking away.
"I had to come back, I left something." I admitted, my mind otherwise occupied.
Jim raised an eyebrow at me and asked, curiosity lacing his voice "You forgot something? You never forget anything. You are like the boyscout of doctors."
I gave him a glare and growled "Dammit Jim I'm a doctor not a God. Even I can't be perfect all the time." With that I turned and left the room with hopefully all the paperwork I needed. I hurried down the hall and made it to my meeting just before it started.
The meetings went well, my mind only drifting to Jim briefly throughout. The doctors of the planet were extremely interested in the medial information I had brought to share with them, eagerly sharing their practices with me in return. Medical practices had always absorbed my attention with ease even when my personal life had been wreaking havoc.
I didn't really think about Jim again until I met with him in our room to get ready for the banquet. Jim was in there already when I arrived and was getting out his dress uniform. His shirt was unbuttoned and his hair was ruffled from running his fingers through it. I smiled fondly at him even as my fingers twitched to smooth his hair.
I quickly turned around to start getting my dress uniform out and ready. I was falling apart just by being near Jim and all I could do was hope he didn't notice. I kept my eyes on my uniform as I asked Jim "Do you want the bathroom first since you like to doll yourself up?"
Jim laughed and elbowed me on his way to the bathroom. "Well at least you know you are going to have the hottest person at the banquet with you." He teased before disappearing into the bathroom and shutting the door.
Luckily he shut the door before he could hear the truth that slipped out of my mouth. "You always are to me." I shook my head, not believing I was wearing my heart on my sleeve like I was. With a sigh I started changing into my uniform.
Jim was still in the bathroom when I finished changing so I simply poured myself a tumbler of bourbon, hoping it would settle me a little. I was sipping on it, a third done when Jim exited the bathroom looking breathtaking.
"You look amazing." I murmured before I could stop myself, my eyes trailing over his lean figure in his uniform. Jim looked at me, his bright blue eyes sparkling as he tilted his head and smirked. I could feel a blush spreading across my cheeks. "If we weren't, I mean if we didn't have to pretend to be in a relationship people would be falling all over you." I swore internally to myself. I thought I knew how to lie better but the truth kept slipping out.
Jim laughed, a full throated, head thrown back laugh as he sat beside me on the bed. "You say the sweetest things Bones. Now go beautify yourself or we'll be late."
I scurried off into the bathroom to finish getting ready, coming out a few minutes later to find Jim drinking my bourbon. I glared at him as I stomped over to him, grabbing the tumbler out of his hand. "Your arms aren't broken, get your own."
Jim pouted at me. "But yours tastes so much better." He said before shrugging. "Anyway its about time to leave for the banquet." I rolled my eyes at him before throwing back the rest of my drink and heading towards the door.
"Ready when you are darling." I said with a small smile, holding my arm out to him. I was going to make our pretend relationship as similar to what our real relationship would be as I could. I was already falling apart around him, might as well go all in.
Jim rolled his eyes and took my arm as we headed down the hall. The rest of the evening went well, I was never more than a few steps from Jim, giving him my undivided attention and making sure he had food and drink when he wanted them. I changed the subject when the conversation lulled and was just there for him when he needed me. It was the way I wanted our relationship to really be, similar to what it really was but with just a little more.
I couldn't seem to hide what I was feeling for Jim though it worked out for the best through the banquet. He just thought I was acting. Jim held my hand, pressing kisses to the back when he was talking about me, wrapping his arm around my waist and holding me close when we talked to other people and was just very touchy feely through the night.
The next couple days followed the same pattern. I would wake tangled with Jim, extract myself and get ready for the meetings. I would then spend all day in the meetings before joining Jim for dinner. We became good at pretending to be a couple, if I didn't know it was a lie I would believe Jim actually loved me.
When the final night came to an end I was both happy and saddened by that fact. I enjoyed the attention Jim had given me but because I knew it was pretend it hurt. I stared across the darkness of the bed at Jim after we got into bed, trying to memorize the way he looked, to imprint this in my mind because we would be going back to the ship the next day.
Back on board the ship I thought everything would go back to normal. I thought I would be able to hide how I felt for Jim as I had been before the mission. I thought that the doors that I had opened would be able to be closed again but that wasn't the case. Those doors wouldn't close. I couldn't bring myself to be near Jim because all I wanted was to do was take his hand, to hold him close, to kiss him. It hurt not to be able to because I loved him with all my heart. It hurt worse that I couldn't hide it but he didn't see it.
Life seemed to go back to normal after we got back from the away mission. Well it went back to normal for Jim. He went back to commanding the ship, making Spock's life a living hell and being an overall pain. My life went to hell in a handbag though. All I could think about was how much I wanted the life I briefly had.
I didn't notice what I was doing at first but I slowly started cutting my contact with Jim. It started out small, excusing myself from hanging out with him early, shying away from his touch where once a clap on the shoulder wouldn't have bothered me, and letting others of my staff fix him up instead of having to be the one to fix him up myself. I wasn't doing it on purpose.
When I finally noticed what I was doing I thought about it nice and hard over a bottle of bourbon. I figured out that maybe it was best if I did avoid him. It might kill me to not see him, to not be around the person I loved with all my heart but at least it would keep him from finding out. I could survive not being around Jim but I didn't think I could survive being rejected by him. It would break me in a way I don't think I could get over.
Once I had decided that I would cut off Jim I worked hard at it. I canceled plans with excuses of having to work or being tired, I switched shifts so I wouldn't go on my meals at the same time as him and so I would be off at different times.
I thought it was working well as I had gone two weeks without seeing Jim. He wasn't making that much of an effort to see me which helped my cause. I started to let my guard down, I got sloppy and didn't keep an eye out for Jim. He cornered me as I was leaving my shift at the med-bay.
"Bones! Bones, I'm talking to you!" He yelled after me as I tried to ignore him and hurry on my way. He grabbed my arm and turned me to face him. "Bones?! Whats wrong?" Jim asked, his voice worried.
"Nothings wrong Jim. I have to go. Its getting late." With that I hurried down the hall and to my escape. My heart was beating horribly fast, I was terrified because I hadn't planned on him catching up to me. I didn't know what to do.
The fear left me on edge so I threw myself into my work like I had when my father had fell ill. I took longer shifts, I barely came out of the med-bay anymore. I forgot to eat sometimes, I barely slept and it was slowly wearing at me. I avoided the calls from the bridge, I locked myself in my office whenever anyone from the bridge came down to med-bay instead of having to help them myself.
My staff started to worry about me, Nurse Chapel tried to talk to me multiple times but I told her nothing was wrong or I snapped at her. It was third time I snapped at her that she snapped back at me.
"I don't know what your problem is Leonard but it has got to stop. You are leaving the med-bay and not coming back for the rest of the week. We can handle it for now without you unless something major comes up." She told me in a calm, cold voice which was scary actually. She looked at me for a moment more before murmuring "Just told to him Len. You can't go on like this." With that she walked away.
I wanted to argue but I knew she was right. I left and headed towards my room, the tiredness catching up to me. As soon as I got to my room I collapsed onto my bed, falling asleep right away. I was so tired I forgot to lock my door as I had been doing everytime I had been in there since this had all began.
I woke to the scrape of a chair being moved to beside my bed. I turned bleary eyes towards the sound, blinking to try to focus on whoever it was. I shot back a little in shock, my heart in my throat. I was so tired that I was scared I would say something I would regret.
Jim was sitting in a chair by my bed, looking at me with a worried look on his face. "Nurse Chapel commed me. She told me she had to ban you from the med-bay." Jim took my hand and pinned me with a searching look. "Whats wrong Bones? Why are you doing this to yourself?"
I opened my mouth to deny it, to tell him I wasn't doing anything but the look in his eyes stopped me. He looked so distraught and worried, I felt my heart clench in pain.
"I'm sorry Jim." I murmured, pressing farther back in the bed, away from Jim, trying to escape the pain.
"Please talk to me Bones. You used to talk to me about everything but you don't talk to me anymore. I don't even see you anymore. I miss you. I miss my best friend." He murmured, still holding my hand. Tears filled his eyes and my heart broke at the sight of it. "What did I do?"
I shook my head, tears filling my own eyes. "No, no kid. You didn't do anything wrong. It was all me. I.." I swallowed hard as I looked at Jim. "I miss you to."
"Then why have you been avoiding me if it wasn't my fault? I don't understand!" He said, frustration leaking through his voice.
I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't lie to him and I couldn't keep hurting him like this. I might as well just ruin our friendship once and for all. "Its because I love you! It hurts to be around you and I can't keep faking I don't have feelings for you." I said as I finally snapped. Tears burned my eyes as I yanked my hand away from Jim's. I turned away from Jim, curling into myself. I didn't want to see Jim's face as it filled with disgust.
I had my face buried in my knees when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Jim gently turned my face towards him. His eyes were gentle and not filled with disgust like I had been expecting. His eyes were filled with surprise and happiness.
"So you have been avoiding me because you love me?" He asked, his voice gentle as if he were talking to a startled animal. I tried to look away again but his hand on my cheek kept me looking at him.
"Yes." I scoffed a little, trying to hide how scared I was. "I didn't kow what else to do. The truth is I'm falling to pieces anytime that you're around. The trouble is the truth keeps slippin out every time you are near. I can't seem to hid what I'm feeling, God, I can't believe what I'm saying out loud but truth is theres no turnin back now." I sighed and scrubbed my face. "I guess I shoulda learned to lie a little better huh?"
Jim stared at me with a shocked look on his face, like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. His eyes brightened as he looked at me, his expression gentle. "So you love me?" He said it like it was a good thing, like it was to good to be true.
"Yes you idiot. I have been for year." I said before something silenced me.
Jim grabbed my face, kissing me hard. I sat there for a moment, completely shocked before I gave in, kissing him back. I couldn't believe I was kissing Jim. I couldn't believe Jim was kissing me.
Realization came back to me after a moment and I pushed Jim back. "Don't kiss me just because you pity me." I said, eyes sad.
Jim stared at me in shock before shaking his head and laughing. "Bones, it wasn't a pity kiss. You have no idea how long I have wanted to do that." Jim cupped my cheek and turned me to face him again. "I have been in love with you almost since I first met you." He smiled and stroked my cheek gently. "I've always been better at lying than you."
I chuckled a little and leaned forward to kiss him gently, tentatively. I was still scared he was just joking or going along with this just to please me. He smiled as he kissed me back, pulling me closer.
"I love you so much Bones. Don't ever leave me like that again." He murmured against my lips before resting his forehead against mine. "I don't want to loose you ever."
Tears filled my eyes as I looked at Jim before nodding. "I'll try not to. I love you so much Jim. I was just so scared of loosing you, of disgusting you. I thought I wasn't good enough for you."
Jim frowned a little and stroked my cheek. "Not only do I love you but anyone would be lucky to have you. You are smart and kind and gorgeous. I always thought I wouldn't be good enough for you."
"Don't ever say that Jim. You are pefect." I whispered before a yawn escaped me. These past couple weeks had really taken a toll on my body, leaving me exhausted.
Jim smiled and nudged me over before crawling into the bed next to me. I looked a little confused for a moment before smiling and curling against him. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close. "Go back to sleep. We can talk more when you wake up." He murmured quietly as he held me.
I nodded and nuzzled closer to his warmth before closing my eyes and falling into the deepest sleep I had had in ages. I was happy, I was in love, and I couldn't ask for anything better. I guess I didn't need to learn to lie better.