Written by: Kuroi Shi
With a little help by Personification of Fluff, and A Clockwork Devotchka.
Disclaimer: ... In the end, does it even matter?
Authors note: I make refrences to Harry potter, Star Wars, Dragon Ball
Z, and Sailor moon, in this happy little story.
I decided to update, and de-crapify this piece of crap, because it was
written in script style, like a lot of my other stories.. Please exuse the typos, for Notepad has no spellchecker..
Just a little warning, There's an overly large amount of Wufei bashing. (Litterally)
~ * ~
Duo, Trowa, Quarte, Noin, and Zechs flew through random streets, in a random city, located on planet earth, in a futile attempt to bring peace, without killing anyone. Not an easy task... They were outnumbered, it was about 100,000 to 1. All hope seemed lost, until another Ally entered the picture. Mr. Chang Wufei. For a while, it appeared as though they were not screwed after all, but, Wufei was not helping. He landed on some street, near the seven year old's (Maremeia's) base, and just stood there... Doing nothing. So, still totally screwed over, winning wise, the remainder of the good guys resumed their little battle, without help from their chinese buddy.
As soon as talk about self destruction began, everyone's savior, the almighty Heero Yuy arrived, and was an instant hit. literally.
He positioned himself in the air, above Maremeia's underground base, and began shooting, with his bad-ass buster rifle. After he hit twice, and was about to take his third shot, which would have allowed him entry into the base, Duo Maxwell popped up on Heero's little TV monitor thingy.
"Lets become Jedi knights." The little braided man said. "It'll be fun"
"Ok," Replied Heero. "But, can it wait until after. In case you haven't
noticed, we're kind of in the middle of something."
"No. It can't wait. The appointment with Yoda is for midnight, and, I
have a coupon, which expires tomorrow. If we don't leave right now, it'll
cost another ten bucks a person."
"Fair enough." Said the Heero man, and the two of them took off.
Not wanting to be left out, and quite curious as to what Heero and Duo
were up to, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei followed.
"Heero, what's going on?" Asked the little Quatre head, that popped up
on Heero's monitor thing. "There's a war going on right now. We're obligated
to save the planet from .. anything."
"We're going on a little vacation. and, how much damage can a kid do? Besides,
Relena, and the rest of the females can handle it." Heero replied.
"But, we really should save the world." Said Quat, in a whiny girly voice
"Meh. We've saved it once before. and, the females can handle it."
"But Heeeeeero" Whined Quatre some more
"Shut up woman!" Shouted Wufei.
Trowa was about to speak, well, shout at Wufei, but was interrupted by
a "We're here" from Duo.
~ * ~ Planet earth ~ * ~
Relena saw Heero and the rest of the Gundam pilots take off, leaving her to fight the war alone. Zechs, and Noin mysteriously vanished off the face of the earth. Well, they faked their own deaths again, and could be found passionately making out in a nearby tree.
"Heero!! I'm right over here so some and save meeeee!" Screeched Miss Relena.
Whack! Relena got backhanded by the fascist tyrannical little kid. "Did I say you could talk!" Said Maremeia.
"Fine! You bastard! I'll save this planet myself!" Screeched Relena, at the man who could obviously not hear her. Relena morphed 'Incredible hulk' style, into something this narrator likes to call 'SuperMegaSSJ-RelenaMon'. She obtained a hockey stick, and proceeded to beat the crap out of the seven year old.
Well, Maremeia was not going to take this lying down. She too morphed into 'Darth Maremeia', grabbed a tennis racket, and defended herself.
Two minutes after this little fight began, several little pink somethings made thier way into the base, by climbing down the rubble caused by Heero's little buster rifle episode. As the little pink somethings came closer, Relena noticed that they were not little somethings at all, they were Dorothy, Hilde, Catherine, and Sally. All wearing bright cheerleading outfits, complete with frilly pom-poms of death.
"Go Relena! Go Relena! It's your birthday!" The cheerleading squad shouted
in unison.
"Where did you come from?" Asked SuperMegaSSJ-RelenaMon.
"When two people love eachother very much," Hilde began.
"Eew. Sorry I asked." Replied SuperMegaSSJ-RelenaMon.
The Cheerleaders resumed cheering, and the fighters resumed fighting.
~ * ~ Planet Degobah (Which will now be refered to as Planet Yoda) ~ * ~
Shortly before midnight, Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei arrived on
planet Yoda. They immediately found a vacant lot, and parked thier Gundams.
The little blonde man, Quatre, complained the entire way to Yoda's house.
"Why the hell didn't you just say on earth then?! You unbelievably weak
woman" Shouted Wufei. "If you really think saving the planet from a KID
is that important, you shouldn't have followed us."
Trowa was about to tell the arrogant chinese butt-hole to get bent, when
he was interrupted for the second time.
"What do you mean 'us'?" Asked Duo. "Quatre didn't follow ALL of us...
Just Heero and I. As did the rest of you... Now, quit your bitchin' and help
me find Yoda's house!"
They made it to Yoda's house with little difficulty. Quatre and Wufei had
not stoped arguing, Trowa continued to attempt to defend his little blonde
buddy, but kept getting interrupted by Duo's potty mouth. Duo was the one
to knock on Yoda's very tiny front door. A little green man answered it immediately.
"He looks like a muppet!" Shouted Wufei.
Yoda ignored this comment. "Who are you, and what are you doing here?"
Asked the muppet.
"Umm.. We have an appointment. and a coupon!" Said Duo.
"Ugh.. Since the bloody movies were re-released, everyone on planet earth
wants to be a Jedi. You can't just learn the force over night you know. It
takes a solid weekend. I charge 10$ an hour, per person. 20$ if you prove
to be incompetant morons." Yoda explained.
"Ok! Lets get to it then!" Said a very enthusiastic Duo.
Heero, Duo, Trowa, and Wufei, all seemed thrilled about the idea of becomming
Jedi's. Quatre on the other hand, was concerned. It wasn't just the fact
that they had left Earth before saving it that was bothering him though. Quatre
knew his comrades well, and all of them but Heero were incompetant morons.
Since Quat was the only one who had more than 5$ to his name, he would bet
his life, that Duo and the others would make him pay for it all.
Slap! Wufei hit Quatre across the face. "You're thinking of that war again
aren't you, little woman."
Trowa was about to swear at Wufei, but, was interrupted by Yoda.
"I'll need you to sign a few forms, saying that you won't hold me responsible
if you die, or become paralized for life, or go totally insane." Yoda brought
out a big stack of papers. "And these ones say I still get paid wether you
can use the force or not." Yoda took out even more forms. "And these last
ones state that you are responsible for any property damage that may occur,
As well as all other expenses that you may need during your stay here. Medical,
food, accomidations, ect." Said Yoda, as he took out the last few forms.
Little did the pilots know, that property damage included bent blades of
grass, scratched trees, missplaced rocks, and broken twigs. "If you're ready,
lets begin"
Quatre could feel his bank acount emptying, as he, and the other pilots
followed Yoda to a large clearing, right by the vacant lot where the Gundams
were parked.
"If this doesn't work, I swear to every god I don't believe in, I will
kill you." Said Heero to Yoda, with his hand down his spandex, clutching
his ever-present gun.
"Heero, isn't that kind of a rude thing to say, to someone who could destroy
you, just by thinking about it?" Asked the blondie. "Don't worry Yoda. Heero's
promised us he's kill a certain lady on several occasions, and he is still
procrastinating."
"What do you mean procrastinating? I told you, I'll do it later." Heero,
the worst procrastinator in the universe, stated, With his hand still in
his shorts.
"Heero, let go of the gun. It's dishonourable to kill a weak, defensless
troll-muppet thing" Said the Wu-miester.
"That's what he was holding on to?" Said Yoda, as he sent Wufei flying
into a tree.
DarthMaremeia brought in several re-inforcements. All of the mobile suit pilots who were not killed by the gundams, during that little battle at the beginning of the story, had left thier busted, or intact mechs, and joined DarthMaermeia's little fight in the base. Maremeia and Relena were still dueling to the death, un-interrupted by the re-inforcements, who had thier hands quite full with the cheerleading squad, who were putting up one hell of a fight.
The cheerleaders morphed too, and somehow, obtained magical powers. "Crucio!" Shouted Dorothy, and a beam of light shot out of the want that had just materilized into her hand. She hit four soilders with this attack, and due to her imense rage, at being left to defend the planet, with nothing more than her 4 closest friends, this magic attack was excedingly powerful. The four soilders were caught in the cruciatus curse for an imensley long time, while Dorothy was distracted throwing spells at other soilders.
Catherine, who seemes to have gained incredible strength, and an amazing kung-fu ability, took on several men at once, knocking them out almost instantly, with her fists of death.
Hilde, while a worthless character in the entire Gundam Wing series, making less than 10 appearances, did quite well in this little war, taking place miles below ground. Her little obsession with Dragon Ball Z paid off. Hilde Spirit Bombed about half of the males in the base, without killing any of them. That was the goal after all. To keep everyone alive. However, after this attack, and Dorothy, with her Crucio happy wand, the soldiers all practically begged for death. It just goes to show, there's nothing scarier pissed off female. After about thirty Kamehameha's, and a couple Destructo Discs, Hilde took a little break.
Sally appeared to have morphed into a Sailor Scout. Sailor Sally. She was stuck wearing the skimpiest little outfit imaginable, which was quite an advantage. Sailor Scouts are not nearly as powerful as Wizards, Kung-fu masters, or members of the Z squad, so the skimpy clothes served as a distraction, and it worked quite well. While the soilders were trying to take a peek up her skirt, she instantly hit them with a barage of fire-balls, which singed, and burned most of thier hair, and clothing off.
Relena and Maremeia were still going at it. By this point, they both had a slight change in weapons. Instead of a hockey stick, and Tennis racket, they were playing with swords. Despite the lack of fencing lessons, both Maremeia, and Relena were doing very well. "Die Heero!" Shouted Relena, as she lunged at the little kid. Maremeia immediately blocked it, and attacked Relena, who was also able to block.
The fight was going into it's third hour, the hatred most of the females felt towards thier male friends had disapeared, and was replaced with a burning desire to kick some soilder ass. The soldiers were comming as fast as they were going, but, this did not discourage the ladies. They were enjoying thier war far too much.
~ * ~ Planet Yoda ~ * ~
"Use the force" The unusually strong muppet told the Gundam Pilots.
"What?" Asked Quatre, Duo, Heero, and Wufei in unision.
"You" Yoda pointed to Heero. "Use the force to move that rock." Yoda then
pointed to a very large boulder, which was lying right on the edge
of a little river.
"Mission accepted" Said the spandexed one. He walked to the boulder, and
spent 10 minutes pushing it, until it eventually fell into the river. "There.
I used force to move the rock."
"No! Not like that, you moron!" Yoda whacked Heero in the head with his
cane. "You're not supposed to use force. Use 'The force.'"
"What's the difference?" Asked Duo.
Yoda, using nothing but his mind, threw sticks and little rocks at Duo.
"..I still don't get it." Duo said, while picking twigs out of his unnaturally
long hair.
"Pathetic... incompetant... morons... wouldn't know the force if it hit
them in the face..." yoda muttered to himself. "Can't you see!!" He shouted.
"I didn't touch that rock!" To prove that Duo wouldn't know the force if
it hit him in the face, Yoda did just that. Hit Duo in the face with a rock,
using nothing but the force. The braided idiot passed out at once. "Does
anyone else not understand the force?" Yoda asked. All he got for a reply,
was four very scared looking pilots, rushing to thier friends aid.
"Does Duo get charged for his unconcious time?" Asked Quatre, worried that
another few hours of this would make him just as poor as the others.
"We're still on my property, aren't we?" replied the green one. "Of course
he'll be charged. Didn't you read the fine print? You don't have to be training.
as long as you're anywhere on my planet, from the time your training begins,
to the time it ends, is concidered training, and, you will be charged. So,
if you want your money's worth, don't pass out."
Quatre dragged the unconcious Duo to the river by the hair, and attempted to wake him up with water, by splashing it on his face.
"He won't wake up like that." Said Heero. "Watch the master." Heero pulled
Duo into the water, and left him there, face down. "When he realises that
he's unable to breathe, He may, or may not wake up." Heero walked away,
leaving Duo to drown in a little stream barely three inches deep.
"When do we get to use light sabers!?" Asked an over excited Wufei.
"Not until you learn the force." Replied Yoda.
"But, I WANNA LIGHTSABER!!" Whined Wufei.
"HA! Now you sound like a woman!" Shouted Blondie. (Aka, Quat)
A morbidly pissed off Wufei, proceeded to beat the crap out of poor defensless
Quatre. Because of Wufei's extensive Martial Arts knowledge, he was easily
able to beat Quatre into submission. (Aka, Unconciousness)
Trowa was about to yell at Wufei, for hurting his Quatre baby, when
Wu-man picked blondie up, and carried him to the river with Duo. When he
returned, he was still on about the light saber.
"I want it now!!" Shouted Wu Wu.
"You really want it?" Asked Yoda.
"Yeah yeah yeah!!" Said the very egar Chinese dude.
"I'll give you a lightsaber." Yoda pulled a muppet sized light saber out
of his shirt, and stabed Wufei through the shoulder with it, severing his
left arm almost completly. He passed out imediately, but no one bothered
to take him to the water, to regain conciousness. He was just left on the
ground, right where he fell, lying in a puddle of his own blood.
"So... How do we use this 'The force' anyway?" Heero asked.
The female characters of the story, had totally forgotten that they ever known gundam pilots... They had totally forgotten that they were in a war here. The ladies were having so much fun fighting, it didn't matter that they were abandoned, Nor did it matter that the fate of the entire planet was resting on thier shoulders. However, if the males were to ever return, oh there would be hell to pay.
Dorothy was still going wand-happy, It seems all the years she spent reading Harry Potter was really paying off. "Stupefy!" She shouted at a soilder, running towards her. He stopped moving at once, and fell to the floor. "Imperio!" She shouted at a guy at the other end of the room. She made him cart-wheel himself into the nearest wall.
Hilde, and Catherine joined forces, and were now ganging up on soilders trying to flee the building. They would take turns holding down, and beating the crap out of the men. It was really not necessary to hold them down though, because the men were pretty helpless anyway, but it made things a lot more fun.
Sally had gotten bored with fighting, so, using her "Moon healing" attack thing, she'd revive the fallen soilders, so that her friends could have a bit more fun. Every one of Maremeia's soilders was now in the underground base, so Sally had to keep reviving them, or her comrades wouldn't have anything else to pick on.
DarthMaremeia, and Relena were still going strong, and still it looked as though neither was showing any signs of surrender. They abandoned the swords, and were now engaged in hand to hand combat, which they had just learned, with no training, or practice at all.
~ * ~ Planet Yoda ~ * ~
Heero, and Trowa, Being the only pilots to stay concious throughout the
entire story so far, had mastered the throwing rocks part of the force, and
were standing in a clearing hurling large boulders at eachother with thier
minds. Quatre and Wufei were just beginning to get the hang of it, seeing
as they had just regained conciousness. Wufei was tossing small rocks at
Q-man, and Q was blocking them. Trowa, seeing the big bad chinese man pick
on his little bitty Quatre baby, got very angry, and sent the next boulder
Heero hurled in his direction, flying toward the chinese man's ... unmentionables.
This caused a bit of a riot between the four pilots. While they were busy
working on beating the crap out of each other, The Duoinator, who was completly
oblivious to all of this, was still busy trying to get the rock to move.
"Come on Moron. Your friends have all got it. Just concentrate!" Shouted
the little teacher.
"Okay...I'll try..." Replied Duo.
"Do or do not, there is no try." Said Yoda. "Now Move the damn rock!"
Several days later, the little battle between the four competant pilots
ended, and they were all badly bruised. Heero had several broken bones, which
he fixed himself of course. Trowa's hair was bent, Quatre's best pink shirt
was ripped, and Wufei was sewing his arm back on. The Duoinator, who was still
totally oblivious to all of this, still could not use the force.
"Duo, do it again, you have almost got it." Said Yoda-man, as the rock
Duo was trying to move started to wiggle.
"I'm Trying!!" Shouted Duo.
"There is no try damnit!!!!!" Yoda used the force to pick up no less
than 100 rocks, and sent them all flying at Duo, who was successfully able
to stop them all from smushing him into a bloody pulp.
"WHOO! I did it! Go me!" Duo sang, as he did his little victory dance.
Several more days later, "You are all ready to use lightsabers." Yoda handed
a lightsaber to each of the pilots. "These babies aren't cheap either."
"Cool" Heero said, as Yoda handed him a lightsaber.
"Where's the 'on' switch on this thing?" Said Duo.
"Guys! We have been gone for 3 weeks now! .. I fear for our lives. .. And
my wallet." Said an increasingly nervous Quatre
"God damnit Quatre! Shut up!! Don't tell me you're afraid of a couple weak
women-" Wufei was interrupted by a lightsaber being passed to him. Oddly,
the chinese dude started hugging, and carresing the lightsaber, as if it were
a very willing girlfriend, and began whispering odd things to the inanimate
object.
Trowa was about to protest his rude comment to Quatre, with a swift kick
in the ass, but decided his weird change in behavior was far too amusing,
and shouldn't be stoped.
"Use the force." Yoda told the G-men when they all had lightsabers. "You
need the force to use the lightsaber"
"Again, Damnit, this 'the force' is really starting to piss me off!"
Duo protested.
Heero, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei got thier lightsabers on within seconds,
and practised dueling eachother. Despite the fact that Wufei had years of
training in the martial arts, and armed combat, he really sucked with a lightsaber,
and almost severed his only good arm several times. Heero wasn't too bad at
the lightsaber, but, his opponent was Wufei. Anyone would look great with
him as a dueling partner. Trowa and Quatre weren't too good either, seeing
as both of them refused to attack eachother. They just stood there, swinging
thier weapons, writing thier names in the air. After a few moments of silent
dueling, or, (In Tro-tro, and Q-man's cases) Name writing, Sir Chang-a-lot
started complaining, again.
"What's wrong with pink?" Quatre asked, as he wrote his proper Arabic name in the air. (Which was not Quatre) "I don't mind pink."
"That's because you're a weak girly WOMAN!!!" Shouted Mr Angry pants.
Just as Trowa was about to Defend his little man, by yelling Wufei stupid, Quatre threw Wufei against a particularly large tree using the power of the force, which seriously injured Wuffie for the 3rd time this fic.
The ever Incompetant Duo-chan was seriously having trouble even getting his weapon of light to turn on.
In a last desperate attempt to get the lightsaber lighting, he wacked it repeatedly against Yoda's little house, even though they were nowhere near the house.
"Duo, you're hopeless." Master Yoda stated.
But, Duo ignored the little green guy, and continued to beat his lightsaber sensless until the inanimate object decided to obey orders, which, eventually, it did.
"Muwahahaha!! The god of death is back!" And with that, Duo began slicing down trees, among other things, with his new flourescent yellow weapon.
"Can we go home? are we jedi knights yet?" Asked Mr. Stoic. though the experience had been fun, Hero, and the others were really starting to miss indoor plumbing, and electricity.
"Yeah, can we go back to earth and stop the war?" Quat asked. As much as the blonde kid wanted to leave, he was even more afraid of what awaited them when they were to return. Several angry women.
Master Yoda couldn't have been happier. "Oh yes. Oh god yes. get the hell out of here, and never come back. Oh yes, and, May the Force be with you."
And, after saying their final goodbyes, Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quat, and Wufei depatred Planet Yoda, and headed home, to save the planet that they had abandoned in the middle of a war, so many weeks ago.
~ * ~ Earth ~ * ~
The war was over. The gundam pilots female counterparts had singlehandedly saved the planet. Almost. Dorothy, Catherine, Hilde, and Sally had gotten bored long ago with fighting, and just left Maremeia's soldiers to die, and went to watch the much more interesting battle. A bitch-slap contest between Relena, and Maremeia.
The fight didn't last too long though. Out of nowhere, that Dekim guy showed up. It seems as though he was determined to have the movie finish the way it was supposed to, and, he shot the little chick.
Lady une, who also appeared out of nowhere, imediately rushed to Maremeia's side. It seemed that she too wanted to finish this movie the right way/
At that moment, Heero decided to make his grand enterance, and finish the movie right. Pretending as if he didn't
go to Planet Yoda, he pointed his empty gun at Maremeia, and shot it.
"I have killed Maremeia, I will never kill anyone ever again. I don't have to anymore" And,
Heero pretend fainted, hoping Relena would catch him, as it said in the script. But, no luck.
"What do you think you're doing! Where were you!?" Relena shouted. "We've spent the past several weeks here saving the planet, and covering for your sorry asses! I want answers!" But, Relena didn't give Heero time to give answers. Nor did any of the other ladies, for that matter. While Relena was busy shouting at Heero, the other ladies sneaked outside, and stole the gundams that were so carelessly left unattended.
A few seconds later, the womenfolk returned, in Gundams. Relena included.
"You're all really fucked now!!" Relena screamed, though, since she was inside a giant robot, (Wing Gundam Zero),
no one heard her.
"prepare to die!" Shouted Dorothy, from inside Quatre's Sandrock.
"Even in our gundams, you'll never win!" Shouted Heero. "We have the power of the force!"
"Yea right! Force, my ass!" Catherine replied.
"No.. That's for Trowa, and Quatre." Wufei said to himself. No one heard.
Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quat, and Wu all turned on their lightsabers, and at the same time Relena, turned on Wing's beam saber, Hilde turned on Deathscythe's beam scythe, Catherine switcheed on at least 10,000 guns in the heavyarms, Dorothy got the little blade thingys on the Sandrock ready, and Sally made sure there was plenty of fuel for the flamethrowers on Nataku, while getting the double sided beam trident thing to work.
"Ha! Is that all you've got!" Shouted Relena.
And, the men ran like cowards, while 50 metre high mechs chased after them.
"I told you we should have stayed!" Quat man said, while trying to aviod being trampled on, by a crazed Dorothy.
"And I told you to shut the hell up!" Wufei Said to Quatre, right before Sally fried him crispy with one of those huge Dragon flamethrower things.
Trowa was just about to respond to Wufei's rude comment, when Catherine shot at him. With everything the heavyarms had.
"You can't win, and you know why!" Hilde shouted. "Because we have the Gundams. You can have all the fucking force you want, but, you'll never be able to stand up to the gundams. Shouldn't you boys know that already?"
~ * ~A few months later~ * ~
Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quat and Wufei Finally began recovering physically from the damage the women inflicted. But, the mental trauma would never leave them. It would require several years of therapy, and all of Quatre's money to get over that, but, because they were all fucked up to begin with, they didn't even bother. Besides, they had already spent almost all of Quatre's money paying for medical bills. (It's times like these, that made the pilots wish they were Canadian). They also received the bills from Yoda. and, they weren't cheap."You know, it's times like these, when I wish we would have just stayed to fight the war." Quarte said, as he looked at the several hundred thousand dollar bill he had to pay Yoda, for property damages.
En.....
Trowa used his Jedi powers to stop "the end" from comming. "I like cheese" he said. The others just stared. "Well, I haven't got a chance to say anything throughout this entire story." he explained.
Everyone pretended to understand, and followed Trowa off stage.
~ * ~Back at Mariemeias base~ * ~
"Hello? I'm still dying here!" Maremeia said. it was true, after the little gundam episode, everyone had completley forgotten about Maremeia. She was left, still dying, on the floor of her own base...
While calling for help, despite the obvious fact that no one could hear her, she noticed something. A little seethrough man came floating in from the celing. It was the ghost of Trieze. He had only one thing to say.
"Maremeia, I am your father"
End