A/N 1: This is the sequel to "What are you thinking?"! Enjoy. :-)
"So what do you think?" Jade asks over her shoulder as she makes herself a cup of coffee.
When she hears no reply, she turns around and sees Cat with headphones on dancing around the living room. Jade laughs and shakes her head as she makes her way to the other girl trying to get her attention. Still no luck, Jade walks up behind Cat and wraps one arm around her waist and pulls her close, making the red-headed girl squeal loudly.
"Jade! You scared the poop out of me!" Cat turns around in Jade's grip and playfully slaps her arm then quickly pecks soft pink lips.
"I was trying to talk to you but you ignored me. So…," Jade trails off, shrugging her shoulders and taking a sip of her coffee. She walks to the couch and sits, watching Cat watch her with a look of warning.
"Don't give me that look, Cat. You don't even know what to do with it."
"Whatever, Jade." Cat scoffs and walks away, leaving a confused Jade on the couch not sure why that made her upset.
Jade closes her eyes and brings a hand up to the bridge of her nose, rubbing up and down slightly to release some pressure and to calm herself down. She lets out a big breath before getting up and heading over to Cat. She sits on the stool next to her and places her head between her hands, taking slow breaths in and sighing them out. She turns her head in her hands to look at Cat, watching the different emotions play out on her face.
"I'm sorry, Cat." She whispers out, watching as she closes her eyes tightly shut, "I'm trying. Please know that I am."
Cat opens her eyes and looks at Jade, seeing the hurt in her eyes but also determination in them. She reaches for one of Jade's hands and brings it to her mouth, leaving small kisses on each knuckle.
"I know, Jade, I know."
Unshed tears form in Jade's eyes and they fall as she blinks. She pulls away from Cat and walks around the counter, heading to the open window and looking out in to the dark sky.
"In a couple of days, it'll be a year since she passed. Since Tori died…" Her head drops and she quickly brings her hands up to her eyes, covering them in hope to block the tears from spilling out but to no luck.
Her body is shaking from the uncontrollable sobs and she drops to hear knees and then to her side, curling up into a ball. Cat rushes over and wraps her up in her arms, holding her tightly against her body as she tries to console the crying girl.
"Sshh, baby. Shh, it's going to be ok. You're going to be ok." Cat rocks her back and forth, whispering her words that she hopes would comfort her, "You're going to be ok…"
Jade's sobs turn into soft cries, her body relaxing and her breathing steadying. She wipes at her tears and moves away from the hold she was in, turning to Cat and gives her a small, apologetic smile.
"I'm sorry, Cat. I- I thought I was good with- with this," Jade softly laughs, "I guess not."
"Oh Jade…" Cat places a hand on her cheek, softly caressing her with her thumb, "I know you're strong but you are allowed to cry, you know? You are allowed to miss her…"
She closes her eyes and nods her head in approval, "Thank you, so much."
Cat pulls her up and leads her out of the den, "Come on, I'm tired. Let's go to bed, yeah?"
X
Jade opens her eyes but quickly shuts them to protect them from the blinding sun shining through her curtains. She groans and pulls the covers over her head, wishing the sun would go away. She peaks through the side of her blankets and reaches out for her phone that lies atop the side dresser, hitting a button to turn it on and to check the time which read 10:35am.
She gets out of bed knowing that she should be leaving soon and that she's going to be gone for the majority of the day. She goes to the restroom, turns on the water to the shower, undresses and then slips in, letting the warm water hit her directly on the face.
She moves to stand under the shower head, standing there for 10 minutes letting the water wash away every overwhelming feeling she has. She opens her eyes and sees the shower sticker Tori put up, laughing as she brings a finger to it and slowly traces around the peeling edges.
It's a zombie rubber ducky. Jade recalls the day they were out shopping for some bathroom supplies and how Tori had squealed out in happiness when she saw the sticker.
"JADE! COME HERE! YOU HAVE GOT TO SEE THIS!" Jade laughs when she hears the excited yell several aisles over.
She heads over to where she thinks the yell came from but checks every aisle just in case an excited Tori decided to look for her. That not being the case, she sees Tori jumping up and down with a big square thing in her hands.
"Hey, what do you got there?" Jade asks as she walks up to Tori.
"LOOK JADE!" She thrusts whatever is in her hands into Jade's face.
"Whoa, watch it." Jade backs up and holds Tori's hands still. She makes an unsure face and looks back at Tori's face, "What is it?"
"What is it? IT'S A ZOMBIE RUBBER DUCKY SHOWER STICKER! AND IT'S HUUUGGGEEE!" She thrusts the sticker into Jade's face again and accidently ends up hitting her nose.
"Ow, shit. Careful Vega." Jade covers her nose and rubs it in hope of soothing the pain.
"Oh, I'm sorry Jade," Tori removes Jade's hand from her nose and softly kisses it, lingering for a bit and giving her an apologetic smile. "Can we get it, though?"
Jade laughs and shakes her head, throwing her hands up, "Sure. Why not?"
Tori squeals once again and throws her arms around Jade's neck, pulling her into a tight hug.
"Yay! Thank you!"
Jade comes out of her flashback and realizes that she's been in the shower for far too long. She hurries and washes her body and hair, she turns off the water and gets out, quickly drying her hair and getting dressed before she heads to the kitchen for a quick meal.
She's eating a bowl of cereal at the kitchen counter, looking out the window watching cars and people pass by when Cat walks in the front door.
"Hey, how are you?" Cat asks as she walks up behind Jade and kisses the back of her head.
"I'm ok," Jade gives her a weary smile, "How are you?"
"I'm good. So um, are you ready?"
She looks at Cat and sees the cautious look she's receiving. She puts her bowl in the sink and walks up to Cat, wrapping her arms around her waist and rests her head against Cat's. She looks down into her eyes and smiles; she leans down and places a soft, lingering kiss to warm lips.
"I'm ready," She pulls away and walks over to the door, "I should get going. I'll see you later tonight."
She flashes a warm smile to Cat, she grabs for her keys and jacket as she walks out the door.
X
Jade parks her car and sits in it, looking out into the polluted city. She was never sure as to why Tori liked Los Angeles so much; why she liked the busy life, the loudness, and all the people. She had always liked time to herself and she always got aggravated with rude people pushing each other to get by. Jade always found it cute when she'd come home angry and upset, yelling about why people couldn't be nicer to each other.
She smiles at the memories going through her mind and gets out of the car; she walks over to Tori's favorite spot and sits.
She closes her eyes and takes in a big, full breath inhaling the smell of summer mixed with pollution. She holds it for a few seconds then lets it out opening her eyes slowly and smiles softly as she lets her surroundings take her in.
A breeze flows through her, whirling around her and holding her in a cool embrace. She revels in the feel of it and runs her hands through the grass below her, swaying along.
"Hey Tor…," she lays back and places her hands behind her head, "I miss you."
She lies there for a minute, letting the wind take her words and send them away, as she stares out into the baby blue sky. The sky is scattered with clouds, a few blocking her from the bright shining sun.
"I'm sorry I haven't come to visit you… It's just- it's been- it's been hard."
She feels her eyes sting and tears forms so she wipes at them before they fall but they do so anyway.
"I, I just miss you, so much. I miss your voice, your eyes, your hair, your mouth, your touch, your everything."
She sits up and runs a hand roughly through her hair, "Vega…"
She pauses as she stares at the spot next to her, the spot Tori always sat, and feels another breeze flow around her.
"I know this is silly but…," she slowly moves her hand forward to where her and Tori always placed held hands, "do you miss me too?"
She tries her hardest not to cry but she can't help the choked sob that comes out and her body begins to shake. She brings up her legs and hugs them as she buries her face between her knees and slightly rocks.
She finally calms herself down, she can finally breathe and she lifts up her head. She laughs at her breakdown, not at all surprised that it happened.
"I'm sorry. I told myself I wasn't going to do that and what do I do? I do it."
Jade keeps laughing, realizing just how absurd this situation is.
"This isn't right, Tori," she whispers, sobered. "You're supposed to be here. With me."
The sun is lowering, the sky darkening and it's getting chilly out. She unties her jacket from her waist and puts it on, zipping it up and cuddling up into the warmth.
She takes in her surroundings like the sun setting, the stars coming out, the cold grass below her, the Hollywood sign in the distance and the lit, busy city out in front of her. She can barely here the noises coming from the city, only hearing the occasional car horns and airplanes flying overhead.
She sits there for a while, reveling in the silence and the light breeze. She closes her eyes and lets her breathing steady, her heart beat slowly and her mind calm down.
"Hey Vega, guess what?" She says, a small smile gracing her lips.
"I, I kept your promise… I kind of found someone. It's only been 3 months since we've got together but she's been there since… she's been there."
She hesitates, not sure if she should go on but decides to, knowing that Tori would be happy for her, knowing that Tori would like to hear how they got together.
"It's Cat," she pauses, looking around for some sort of sign. "I hope you're ok with that…"
"She came to visit me about a month after your- uh, your passing because she hadn't heard from me. Well, no one had heard from me and they were all worried, I guess. So she volunteered to check on me which was nice of them, of her."
She smiles and softly laughs as she recalls the memory of Cat telling her how they all got together to discuss her. They were all going to come together and surprise her but Beck voted against that because he thought it might be overwhelming for her.
"The first month was hard, really hard. The first two weeks, I laid in bed and I, I cried… and slept. I only got out of bed to do essential things like, use the restroom and shower. I hardly ate. The phone kept ringing and it turns out it was Cat and the rest calling. They thought I died too…"
She laughs ruefully, her hands fidgeting in her lap. "Sometimes I wish... that I… died too. Just so I can always be with you. Is that bad to think? Is it bad that I miss you so much that I'm willing to- to end it all to be with you?"
Jade shakily runs a hand through her hair, frustration and anger taking over. She takes in a big breath and slowly lets it out, repeating it over and over until she feels herself calm down.
"I'm sorry," she sighs, rolling her eyes at herself, "I wonder how many times I'm going to keep saying that."
"Let me just get back to how Cat and I came to be. Uhm, so it was on a Thursday. I just came home from a long day at school and I wanted to sleep but there was a knock at the door. I was ignoring the knocks but they got louder and I got frustrated so I finally answered. And there she was, in all her red-headedness with a big smile on her face."
She mimics the smile she saw on Cat's face that day and it kind of made her feel… good.
"I invited her in and she sat and I sat and we just sat there for a long time. Neither one of us saying anything, just sitting there. It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable, it was nice… and quiet. It was the first time in the past month, where it was quiet. My mind was finally quiet… and it was great."
She remembers how content she felt at that moment, how good it felt to have company and not feel obligated to put on a show for them.
"We sat there for maybe about an hour, an hour of silence and then she suddenly got up and walked to the door. She stopped at the door and turned to me and with a smile on her face she said I'll see you next Thursday and then she left."
She felt so content after that visit with Cat and she reveled in the fact that everything was so calm for the rest of the night.
"And true to her word, she came back the next Thursday. She came in and we sat but this time we talked a little. Not about you, but about me and her and the rest. It felt nice and I felt… at ease, in a way. Neither of us said more than 6 words when asking and answering. And then she did the same thing, she said See you next Thursday and left."
Jade laid back, leaning down on her elbows and her head falling back. She feels a light breeze kiss at her skin and goose bumps break out and she shivers at the feel.
"So every Thursday she came and visited me. We talked more and more about everything, everything but you. She was waiting for me to bring you up. She was waiting because she knew others were pushing me to talk and I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready, Tori, I wasn't… but I eventually was."
The sky's a dark navy, thousands of stars covered the night sky and the full moon shined brightly over the city. Jade lies back staring out into the night sky and remembers how Tori use to play 'connect-the-stars' and create things.
"It was the 17th Thursday when I was finally ready to talk about you with her. The first thing I told her about you was how you loved playing 'connect-the-stars' and how you came up with the craziest designs. I laughed really hard and I even cried a little and Cat had the biggest smile on her face. Tori, I laughed! I hadn't laughed like that in the longest time and I did because of you."
Tears are flowing freely from her eyes and she's laughing at the memory and how she felt peace at that time. She felt peace and relaxed and it was one of her better days. All of her better days were because of Cat.
"You know, all of my good days, my better days were because of Cat. She has helped me so much without pushing or pressuring me. I hadn't felt that content with myself or with anyone else since you. Anyway, uhm, after I opened up to her she started coming over more often and with food sometimes. It was nice and I felt good with her, around her."
Jade stands up and stretches out her legs, walking out to the edge and spreading out her arms. A gust of wind hits her, ruffling her hair and sending shivers throughout her body. She laughs and shakes her head, somewhat happy at how things are going.
"Sometime during the 5th month, I asked her out. I was so scared and nervous; I had an anxiety attack before she came. I was so afraid, I almost backed out but I read the letter you wrote me and remembered the promise I made you. So she came and we sat around, eating and talking and before she left, I asked her. You should have seen her face, Tori. She lit up! She jumped up and down then gave me a tight hug and told me to pick her up at 8 the next day."
She walks to her car and grabs the throw blanket and wraps herself in it as the night gets colder. She walks back to her spot and sits, laughing as she recalls her first date with Tori and then with Cat.
"Do you remember our first date? Remember how everything went bad? How the food was cold and undercooked, the radio wouldn't work, your car wouldn't start and then it started pouring rain? That was a great day." She recalls and thinks of the look on Tori's face, "Well imagine a date like that, but 10 times worse. I got sick before I left to pick her up, my car broke down on the way to her place, I stepped on her foot and I spilled her drink on her. It was horrible."
Jade laughs again and groans at how embarrassed she was that night. She pulls out her phone to check the time, it was late but she wasn't quite done yet or ready to leave.
"But! I asked her out again and she agreed. She said that despite everything going wrong she had a great time. We went out about 5 more times before I asked her to officially be my girlfriend and when I did, she cried. I don't know why she did but it was ok because she said yes. She said yes and hugged me and I hugged her back, and then I, I kissed her. For the first time, I kissed her and she kissed me back."
She remembers that first kiss, how slow and natural it was. How it sent warmth – warmth she hadn't felt since Tori – shooting through her. She remembers her first kiss with Tori and how special it felt. How she felt when those warm, soft lips met hers and how her heart beat way too fast and how lightheaded she got. It was perfect.
"So we've been together for the last 3 months, we've had our little spats but she understands where I'm coming from since it was getting closer to this day. But you know Tori, I still think about you and I'm always going to miss you and love you. You were the one for me… you are the one for me. Don't get me wrong, I like Cat. I really like her and I know it's early but with you knew, I just knew you were the one and I just don't know about her. I don't know if we'll make it but I hope we do because she makes me happy."
She shifts to her side and lies down, thinking about her life then and her life now and how everything has changed so drastically.
"You changed me, Vega… and I know it was for the better. I was this hard girl in high school. I was mean, cruel and just a fucked up person but after I met you and got to know you, I became this… soft, mushy person. I don't mind though. I don't mind one bit. God, I love you. Anyway, I think I covered everything I wanted to tell you. I just have one more question for you."
She sits back up and moves to her and Tori's place. She looks out into the city, into the night sky and sighs. It's been a long but good day. At the beginning of the day, she wasn't sure she was going to be able to do this but here she is, relaxed and content.
She lets everything she has talked about go through her mind. Memories of Tori flashing by, followed by memories of Cat. She smiles at both sets of memories and her heart flutters. How did she get so lucky to have two beautiful women in her life?
She takes in a big breath and lets it out as she looks over to the empty spot next to her. She runs her hand through the grass there, the grass tickling her palm.
With a picture of Cat smiling in mind, she turns to the spot next to her and whispers softly, "So what do you think?"
A/N 2: Did you like it? I hope so. I actually liked this, so I hope you did too.
Please review if you liked it or not, I'd really appreciate it.
I'll be working on the other fic I have going on, so read that... if you'd like.
Oh and I have a tumblr, it's the same name as on here. So if you want to check that out, but I only update how I'm doing on fics and stuff.
Thanks!