She hadn't made a big deal over Christmas since she was a kid, and even then it had been the typical excitement that comes with the mention of Santa Claus. Never having been religious, it hadn't been difficult disengaging herself further from the holiday until eventually it was just another day. At CTU she had always worked extra shifts the 25th of December so more agents could be with their families.
This year wasn't any different, despite the different situation. The past 10 months had been a blur of absolute domesticity. Shopping once a week for necessary groceries, tidying her small cottage-like home, reading, occasionally stepping outside to see a movie or visit a doctor. She probably didn't even need the silver Acura sitting in her driveway, considering the town she was limited to was only about 7 miles across, but felt more comfortable knowing that she had a quick way out should she need it.
Nina had never been one for a life like this. Early on she had figured out that she thrived off of movement, adrenaline, pressure, and fear. A desk job had never even entered her line of thought until the opportunity presented itself in the government, and from there she had found her way to Division and CTU. Knowing that she was racing against a clock to beat such high stakes gave her a high unlike anything else ever could have.
But eventually she found herself becoming accustomed to that high, and by the time she met Jack Bauer she needed more. Needed something to get under her skin again, something to keep her on her toes. The offer had come just at the right time.
That wasn't to say that she expected to wind up like this, Nina mused as she padded barefoot across her kitchen to grab a glass of water. No, this had never been in the cards. Looking back, it was hard to remember how exactly she had become who she was. Playing both sides had never even really seemed like the wrong thing to do. It had just been an opportunity to keep her interested, and by the time she had realized what she had gotten herself into she was staring at the ceiling of a high security prison.
Heading back to the couch, she settled herself into the tan leather and leaned back, pulling an afghan over her. It tended to get chilly at night. Absently pressing the power button, she allowed herself to drift further as 'It's a Wonderful Life' danced across the screen.
She wondered what Jack was doing. She thought about him more than she should have, really – it surprised her how naturally her thoughts strayed to him. He was probably with his daughter. Christmas must be difficult for him now, she thought, no real emotion coloring this realization.
It was tiring, this new life, much more so than her old one of terrorism and espionage. She knew how to do that, was a pro at it. Could weave an intricate foolproof lie in seconds, could end a life in less. It was this silence that caused bags to appear under her eyes, that crept up her spine and weighed on her more heavily than any hint of guilt ever could have.
It scared her. She hated to admit that, but had accepted long ago that there was no point in hiding it. Not knowing what situation she was in terrified her. She couldn't know if old clients had decided she was too much of a risk, couldn't know if the government had decided she was too dangerous, couldn't know if Jack had decided she was too much alive and well.
The worst part about the silence was the way she found herself filling it. Memories of her old life hounded her, and at the beginning she had felt her conscious beginning to twitch. As she trained herself to isolate these thoughts they continued to find her but carried less baggage. Or maybe she had just reached her max. Looking in the mirror these days tended to suggest the latter.
The movie ended and Nina barely noticed as she placed her cup in the sink and changed into her night clothes. Just like she did every other night.
She could feel the stars stare at her as she slept.
Just like every other night.