Yes this is Boffins. Includes Thorin/Ori. Nori/Lobelia. Bifur/ Girl!Bard. Wooohooo Mahal take the wheel. You can thank the TV Trope article on Black Swan for this idea. haha

Please R & R and enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own Nothing!

One- Smaug the Terrible and the Lost Mountain

"…and they say the cruel sorcerer Smaug was no true Man, that he in reality was a fell creature from the dark and simply wore the skin of a man. He had been known for too many ages to be anything but, his magic was too dark, too powerful."

"And that's why all people began using second names, right Bifur? So he couldn't use their real names to control them?"

"Yes, but remember Bofur, that is not the only reason. For us children of Mahal anyway, we already had secret names in our own language. Men and those few elves who bothered only did so when dark ones such as Smaug became known. For the false name protects the true name and the true individual."

"Ooohhh…"

"Now, Smaug was one of the most feared dark magic users, his aura would scatter animals for miles, cold followed in his wake. Smaug was a greedy soul, he loved gold and precious items and persons- whatever he wanted he took, and woe too all whom tried to stop him. One day he set his sights upon the greatest dwarven kingdom-"

"Erebor!"

A warm chuckle, "Yes, Erebor. The city was known for its riches in both treasure and people. Dwarves and Men from the ancient city of Dale lived in peace and prosperity together. He wished for it, so he began to gather his power by capturing those who were pure of heart or had connection to the earth for their power was best."

"Bifur you always say this part but…why does he need their power?"

"I don't really know, I just know he needed them to become stronger. Now shut up so I can finish!" Another chuckle.

"OOoookay."

"Now it is said that Smaug was so desperate and relentless that along with the son of a sorcerer he took the crown princes, descendants of the purest Line of Durin the Deathless and talkers to ravens and crows.

Finally he was ready; the kingdom, already in panic over the Lost Princes, was completely unprepared for his take over. He used his dark magic first upon the human city, burning it all to the ground. Then turned his eye toward Erebor, those brave enough to do so fought but it was to no avail. Smaug was too powerful. But all hope was not lost, that sorcerer whose son Smaug had taken challenged him. He too had powers, though not as great but they were of the earth, and managed to wound Smaug. But the dark one had the last laugh, in a way; he laid a curse upon the kingdom, stopped all inside in time. He hoped to freeze the sorcerer along with the kingdom but he escaped, though not unscathed. Smaug then, using the last of his proper magic hid the kingdom of Erebor and Dale, making them lost to the rest of middle earth.

It is said that the sorcerer vowed one day to return to free the people and his son, but he was never seen again. Now the city sleeps, hidden. Waiting. The legend of Smaug remains unforgotten, and Men still give themselves second names. And though they do not speak of it openly, all people wonder when and if Smaug will return to wreck more turmoil upon the world."

"Wow!"

"Now, it is time for bed."

"Can you tell me it one more time? Please cousin?"

"Now Bofur-"

"Oh please? I'll do all the cooking with Bombur tomorrow to make up for it!"

A sigh. "All right, all right. Once more, but then go to bed. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

Bofur opened his eyes and closed them again in a vain attempt to escape the light coming in through his window. But it was to no avail, he was awake. With a sigh and a rub at his face he got up and tugged on his clothes, he then followed the smells of cooking food to the small kitchen, humming as he went.

"Mornin' Bombur."

The jolly, pudgy dwarf chuckled at the amount of sleep he could hear in his brother's voice.

"Sleep well brother?" He asked as he laid a hearty bowl of stew upon the table with bread and water. It was a bit of a heavy meal, but winter and the deep cold were right around the corner. It was important to start the day right with fuel and warmth.

Bofur didn't answer at first, he took a few bites of stew before replying, "Not really, I had that dream again. The one where I'm just a wee dwarfling in bed and Bifur is once again telling me the tale o' Smaug the Terrible and the Lost Mountain. But this time he was speaking in westron instead o' old Khuzdul."

Bombur frowned at this, for the last month his brother had been having this one recurring dream. Bofur had always been fascinated by the tale when he was younger, but ever since the last festival of Durin's Day he had been having this dream. But it was not always the same in every detail. Sometimes the setting would change in small ways or Bofur would be older. But the only big change would be how their older cousin Bifur told the tale.

When they were young Bofur and Bombur had lost their parents, they had left to find work and simply never returned. Their fate unknown.

None in their old home could or wanted to take them so they were sent to their distant cousin Bifur, he worked in the mines of the small city of Belegost with other dwarves and Men. He had not allowed either of them to work in the mines, saying the work was too dangerous, and told them to pursue their own interests to find work. Bombur eventually used his love for food and cooking and now had a stall in the market; Bofur found a love for toy making- skills he learned from Bifur. But one day a small squadron of orcs on warg back tried raiding the town, the dwarves and men fought together and eventually won, but not without loss.

Bifur lost a bit of his mind and the ability to speak common for his trouble while gaining a bit of axe head in his brain, a large scar and the ability to speak the old or higher form of Khuzdul. After that Bifur was seen as unfit to work in the mines so Bofur took his place- because despite their skills in toys and food the sons of the Ur clan could only charge and gain so much. Some toil was needed.

Neither understood why this detail of Bofur's dream switched about, or why it seemed so important. But it was.

"Speaking o' Bifur, where is he?" Usually the older dwarf would be sitting on the other side of the table, either staring out the window, carving or trying to get Bofur and Bombur to eat more of his green food.

Bombur's frown deepened.

"He got another headache, so he went for a bit of a walk. He just hasn't come back yet."

"Another? That's the third this week."

"I know."

The two stared glumly at each other for a moment, but the tension broke when Bofur's stomach growled loudly. They broke into a fit of weak, helpless giggles.

"Eat. I'm sure Bifur is fine, he just needs some fresh air." Said Bombur as he turned back to the counter. He had to finish packing up the food for his stall today.

"Aye, or to go see Bard again. She's usually hunting in this area at this time o' day." Replied Bofur between bites.

Bard was an interesting human, usually graved face but with a sharp humor. She split most of her time between hunting and singing or telling tales in the market for money-hence the second name of Bard. This was the only time she ever had a soft expression on her face when not in privacy.

She was a smart woman, and many came to her for advice or assistance; Bard had arrived in Belegost a number of years ago, saying she was a simple bard just passing through from nowhere and would most likely be gone again soon enough, but she had stayed and they had become good friends. Bofur was sure that where ever she had come from she had been an important figure.

But Bard was never really comfortable talking about her past so Bofur never pushed, he would know if he was ever meant to. What he did know was that Bard and his cousin had something going on that neither was willing to admit to.

The two had always been a bit sweet on one another-as much as Bifur would deny it Bofur knew and was happy his cousin had someone in this world to focus on, better so it was a nice woman like Bard- and lately Bifur had been getting painful headaches which only seemed to be cured by walks in the woods.

Walks that almost always lead him to Bard, they knew this because she always took him back before going home with her kill. It had become sort of a routine, the two would arrive, the group would talk, fresh game or beneficial vegetation would be exchanged for some of Bombur's cooking and then Bard would be gone with Bifur looking after her.

Bofur and Bombur thought it was cute, Bifur and Bard told them to shut it.

Bofur gave a satisfied belch as he finished his meal.

"Oy, Bombur as usual the lads on shift today will have something to look forward to at meal-time."

Bombur chuckled as he finished packing up his supplies for the day.

"Glad you approve Brother."

The two turned when they heard the back kitchen door of their little cottage open, first came Bard then Bifur through the door.

"And they return! Morning Bifur, Morning Bard." Said Bofur cheerily.

Bifur grunted a good morning and sat in his usual chair, Bombur laid out a plate of greens for him and the older dwarf began to eat.

"How's your head Bifur?" Asked Bofur.

'Better.' Was the signed reply.

"Would you like some breakfast Bard? There's plenty." Said Bombur as he began to unpack some of the food he had.

"No, no thank you my friend. Not only have I already eaten but I do not have anything extra to trade for it."

Bofur furrowed his brows at that.

"You know you don't need to pay us Bard, you're a friend."

A small smile graced the young woman's face, "I know Bofur, but I prefer to. But lately I have had no luck capturing any good game. Only caught a quail this morning."

To emphasize her point Bard held up her almost empty hunting sack. This raised some eyebrows, usually Bard's bag was full to bursting, but not now.

The rare smile was replaced by her usual slight frown.

"I think something is scaring away the animals, ever since Durin's Day less and less animals have been in the area. And any in captivity try to flee the moment they can."

"Have you tried talking to the town master? He's a cad but even he must be concerned that the meat supply is running low."

Bofur had to blink at his brother's choice of words, but then again food was a big thing for Bombur so he just pinned it to concern over the loss of game.

Though the master was indeed a cad.

Bard herself raised a brow as Bombur's wording but said, "I and the other hunters have, but he says we are just not 'trying hard enough' and should simply 'go deeper into the woods' for our game."

Her voice held on a tone of disgust.

She looked at Bofur and asked "You don't have any mine shifts today yes?"

"Not for the next few days actually, the Boss is trying a new rotating system so workers don't get too over tired."

"Perfect. Would you mind helping me scout the northeastern section of the old woods? All of the hunters are splitting off to see why the animals have gone, and where more can be found."

"Bard you know I'm not the best hunter-"

"That's fine Bofur, you do have some skill though. I'm mostly asking because I do not wish to do this myself, the area is large and will take a while to cover. And if I do find what is making from birds to giant bears flee then I do not want to do it alone. I'm also asking Nori to go with me."

Bofur blinked.

Nori was another friend, though a somewhat shady dwarf Bofur knew he had a good heart and whatever he did he did for his brothers Ori and Dori, the owners of the book/fabric shop in town. They too, were good friends, Bofur liked carving things for them.

Although Nori had a fondness for knives Bofur had never really seen him hunt for things. So it surprised him that Nori agreed. Unless…

"Has Nori heard anything about it? Why the animals are gone?" Nori always seemed to have information.

"He's heard talk of darkness in the air, and reports of a few missing people and dwarves from the neighboring towns. And now Ori's missing." Her face had gotten grimmer as she spoke.

"What?! For how long?!"

"Since last night, Dori is desperate and Nori is furious. Apparently it was Ori's turn to close the shop, the last any saw of him was Ori leaving the shop and taking the short cut through the woods to get home."

"Is where he went where you're looking?"

"Yes." From her tone you could tell she had chosen it for exactly that reason.

"I'll do all I can."

"So will I."

All turned in surprise to Bifur, he stared right back with clear, determined eyes. Bard's eyebrows rose.

"Bifur no, you could get hurt." Bombur took a step forward as he spoke, Bifur frowned at him.

"Who says? I may not be young or mine anymore but my body is still strong and my weapon still sharp."

His usually gravelly voice was more so now in his annoyance.

"And what o' your headaches?" Asked a concerned Bofur.

"I only get those when I am inside with myself too long, we'll be outside and busy. I'll be fine. Plus Bard will be there to make me feel better."

He said the last bit with a matter of fact tone and a small grin on his face. Both Bofur and Bombur looked at the human then, she in turn gave them a slightly confused look.

"What? He said my name."

Oh, that was right. She didn't really understand when Bifur spoke, only when he signed his words. Bofur had to remember that.

"Bifur says he wants to help look for Ori." Bombur said a little darkly.

Bard turned to Bifur in surprise. "No! I know you are able but there is too great a risk. Not to mention I am running low on those plants for your aches."

"What plants?"

The sound of Bofur's voice broke to the two out of their moment, Bard had leaned in a bit and laid a hand on Bifur's shoulder as she spoke to him. Now she leaned back out but her hand remained, Bifur kept a grip on her wrist.

"She's been giving me a mixture to smell to help with the pain, the smell is powerful and best taken outside. I didn't want you to know I had been seeing her about it because I didn't want to concern you."

Bifur said this a little shame-faced, but his posture remained firm.

"Well we're concerned now!" ground out Bombur.

"Peace brother, Bifur you should have told us it was that bad. Now I'm not sure if you should go."

"You do not tell me what to do Bofur, nor you Bombur. I am the eldest. If I say I am going I am going. That is final."

His voice was hard and the tone brooked no argument. Bard blinked as Bofur and Bombur suddenly seemed cowed. Bifur turned to her and his face softened a bit but still remained firm. He spoke and after a moment Bofur said,

"He says he's going. So he can keep you safe and find Ori. No use arguing with him, if he doesn't go with us he'll just follow."

His voice sounded resigned. Bifur took the hand still on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. His expression was a look that just screamed try me.

Despite herself Bard felt a blush began to creep to her face. Getting a hold of herself she backed up and took her hand out of Bifur's grip. She signed when she saw no way out of it.

"Fine you stubborn dwarf, both of you meet me and Nori at the forests' edge at noon today. We'll only search the immediate area and then return to my home to figure out a plan."

With that and a nod she left.

The three dwarves stared at one another and then Bombur gave a defeated sigh and said, "Just don't get hurt." With that he left too, food supplies in hand.

Bofur looked at Bifur, "Was that to you or me?"

"Both of us I think." Came the even reply

Why gender bent Bard? Cuz she is awesome.