Thank you for clicking onto my first Gravitation fiction This is a one-shot, or a kind of AU "what if" story. It deals with the same issues that the anime does- homosexuality, mental illness, dysfunctional family dynamics, attempted suicide, mentions of sexual assault and abuse. This story also will include drug abuse and hospitalization, so I'm including that as part of the trigger warning. Also a great deal of emotional turmoil/ angst ahead.

I wrote this extremely fast so I apologize in advance for its shortcomings or if it makes no sense at all. In addition, I have not thoroughly read the manga, and I'm basing this story very loosely on the anime- although the plot and dialogue might coincide with both.

Transparency

"I sat in front of the screen for hours. I wasn't getting anywhere so I went to one of my usual bars. After three hard drinks , I realized I didn't want to take anyone home after all….or rather, no one appealed to me that night. Although sex and the pursuit of sex is usually a welcome distraction, I decided to walk the park instead."

Eiri pauses.

Walking in the park alone at night. Just another thing to add to his list of frequently indulged in risky behaviors - although how much of a risk was it? He doubted he could ever encounter anyone there more questionable than himself.

"That's how I came across this."

Eiri removes the paper from his jacket pocket. He's been carrying the crumpled thing around with him like a talisman for the last several days and feels slightly embarrassed handing it over to his psychiatrist. It feels like an admission.

"What is this?" She says, bespectacled eyes on the paper.

"It's a poem. Or lyrics of some sort."

He lets her read them .

Then he says "Awful aren't they?"

"I wouldn't say that.' His psychiatrist replies softly. "They're quite…heartfelt."

Heartfelt. Right.

"As Wilde said, all bad poetry springs from genuine feeling." Eiri sneers. "I don't know why I picked it up, and I don't know why I didn't throw it away immediately after .

"There must be a reason."

"Hell. It probably wouldn't leave my mind even if did throw it away. I try and forget it and my memory wakes up screaming. "

"You didn't see it's author, did you ?"

"No. The paper was thrown to the ground like the trash it was. Nobody was there to claim it. " Eiri sighs. "Then again, why would anybody. Except a moron."

"Could you be more specific?"

The writer's fingertips tap on the arms of his chair. "About what."

"Who do you think the writer of this poem might be like?" She asks.

"Other than a moron?" He sneers. "Is that why I come see you for? Questions like that?"

The psychiatrist's dark eyes remain fixed on his. She is, as always, unflappable.

She hands the paper back to him like a prescription slip.

Eiri takes it back. He frowns at it.

"Well. Just by looking at the handwriting and the notepaper I'd say the writer is young. He's nearly still a boy… maybe on the cusp of manhood. He's… optimistic. Energetic. Naïve. Kind of a wuss. Arrogant enough to write a love poem but ridiculously insecure as well- trying too hard. He's hungry for approval. He's annoying. Uninspired . Not too bright. He doesn't have the slightest idea what love is , but he wants it. He wants it from everyone. Like I said, he's stupid …"

The psychiatrist tilts her head. "And if you told him what you thought of his lyrics , what would he do?"

The author shoves the paper back into his pocket. "The damn brat would probably try to prove me wrong."

"What." He growls into the receiver.

"I have been trying to contact you for the several days Eiri. "

"And?"

"You haven't been picking up your phone."

"That was for a reason."

"I see. Regardless, its good to hear from you. "

"I can't say the same. "

"I apologize then. I did not mean to disturb you."

Eiri puts a cigarette in his mouth. "Its too late for that now."

"Are you busy?"

"Yeah I am Tohma. I'm writing."

"That's good to hear. Are you enjoying the process so far Eiri?"

"No." He lights the cigarette." it may be the worst thing I've written, but it feels necessary to get down."

"More so than your other works?"

"Maybe."

"I hope you will allow me to read some of it."

"Ha." He flicks the ash away. "If you're lucky."

"Please Eiri. Just consider it. Ayaka would be a wonderful wife to you. She's intelligent, kind and accomplished, and from an upstanding family. She's a proper lady- nothing like those frivolous bar girls you cavort with. "

Eiri suppresses a scornful cough into the receiver.

"Who I cavort with is none of your business and if what you say is correct, Ayaka would be just as wonderful of a wife to somebody else. There are plenty of eligible men in Kyoto. It shouldn't be hard for someone as desirable as herself to find a husband."

"Exactly. You don't know how fortunate you are . You shouldn't let this opportunity pass you by. Ayaka is in high demand and she'll soon be off the market."

"What is she ? A stock and bond?"

" Wouldn't you like to meet her. Just once?"

"No Mika."

"Why not? Does tradition means so little to you that you're not even willing to give it a chance?

"Why should it mean anything to me. If you want to carry on with your arbitrary and antiquated customs, go ahead but I have no interest in marrying a near stranger."

"Every family has its obligations ."

"Our family is nothing but- and my obligations lie with myself now. The family name will drag on , but I will make certain it will drag on without me. It's been enough of a stone around my neck."

"Disregard that then, if you must! It doesn't change anything. The most important thing is that Ayaka does love you Eiri. She'd take good care of you."

"So what. Who says I want to be cared for."

" Just for once think of Ayaka. Don't her feelings have any value?"

"To her maybe, Not to me. If it is that. How could she? She doesn't know me. An even if she did, what difference does it make?" Eiri feels familiar and bleak feelings mount inside him like an oncoming squall. It's the feeling of frustration and anxiety he get from having the same useless conversations over and over again.

He snatches a vial of pills from his drawer and shakes out the bottle into his palm.

"Loving somebody doesn't confer any claim to them. It wouldn't work. One can't stand there and simply allow themselves to be loved . She'll want an involvement from her husband. One that I can't give."

"Won't give. Won't even try to give."

"That's right." He tilts back his head and swallows the pill dry.

"You may believe that now, but everyone I know finds her very likeable -"

"Then I definitely dislike her. Likable is not my type."

"Then what is your type precisely?"

"Not your type Mika. But I'd no sooner love a nice girl than anyone else. A wife would be a profitless distraction from my work. I'd just resent her."

"Why are you so ungenerous?"

"I prefer the term realistic."

"So this is part of your so-called realistic attitude. You push everyone away. You just accept being alone."

"Of course I've accepted it. I accept facts."

"You have no idea what you're talking about do you. Do you even know why you're fighting this so much? Its ultimately what's best for you."

"So you think what's best for me is relinquish every possible decision of mine to you and Father? What I think what would be best for me is for you all to go to Hell."

"Oh stop it Eiri. You act as if I'm intentionally trying to upset you and disturb your peace of mind, but if you didn't behave how you do, I wouldn't have to so concerned. Believe it or not ,I'd much rather do something else with my time then make sure you stay out of trouble!"

"You wouldn't think so."

"I'm only doing this because I worry for your sake- and then I'm treated like a villain for it! Do you think I like this? No! I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the struggle and the arguing-"

"You mean to say you're sick of me. That's fine. I'm sick of you too Mika. You've been coming over and calling me too often, so why don't you stop doing both. Frankly I feel better when you aren't around."

"No I won't. I won't give up on you. Whatever happens, you're still my brother."

"I wish you wouldn't remind me of that."

" All I'm asking is that you be honest with yourself. Don't you want someone else in your life you can rely on?" She continues. "besides Tohma and I…"

"No." Eiri hisses. He thinks: Not again. "I don't want you or anyone else in my life. Stay out of my business."

She sounds exasperated. " Eiri how can I? "

"You can. Its very easy. You say this arranged marriage is what's best for me? In truth it's what best for everyone else but me. Its you who benefits most of all. You always were the good daughter, and by marrying me off to the woman of your choice, you solidify your position as the eldest and ensure that everyone reflects well upon the family. As an added bonus, you get to foist the burden of "managing me: onto somebody else who is more or less a substitute of you. So now that you know that I have no interest in complying with your little scheme, why don't you give it up? You can now say you've done your due diligence and quit. No one will blame you."

Mika sighs shakily.

" …Haven't you ever considered once… that I might just simply want you to be happy?"

Eiri hangs up.

"I think I'm starting to remember something I rather not remember."

"Like what." His psychiatrist says.

Eiri doesn't respond.

Instead he gazes ahead.

"Like what Eiri?" She repeats again.

"Its nothing." Eiri replies. "I'll keep myself occupied."

They have coffee at the café of his choice.

"So your latest romance is about…. a relationship between… two men?" His editor hesitantly asks.

That seemed pretty clear from the pronouns he used throughout. Then again, Eiri thought it was pretty clear that this book wasn't a romance. If anything ,it's more of a satire about the media and the entertainment industry. But he doesn't say this.

Instead, he says "Yeah, and?"

"You haven't done anything like this before." The editor says. Her manicured finger circles the rim of her cup. "I didn't know …that interested you.

"Why." Eiri demands. "Does it bother you?"

"No…." She answers weakly. " No it doesn't."

"Right." Damn right it shouldn't, he should say, because we are both enlightened modern individuals who know that if two consenting adults are fortunate enough to care for each other, their genders should be irrelevant. Right?

Nevertheless, his gut twists.

Instead he says "If it's a solid story so far, what's the difference?"

"It's a surprise. Your… readers won't expect it."

That's meant to dissuade me? He thinks.

Eiri says "Yeah. They probably won't."

"So what is the desired result here? Are you trying to access a new audience? Or is this a means of… reinventing yourself? Are you…"

"Am I what."

She stares at him.

Eiri takes a sip of his coffee "You mean to ask me if I'm coming out." .

"…Are you?"

Is he?

"Never mind that." Eiri says. "What about the writing."

"Its uh superb Eiri.' She glances down at her copy of the printout. "Despite the difference in the subject matter …and the uniqueness of the characters… its unmistakably your style. That is not in question. I understand you are a true artist and I understand about an artist's integrity - I do- but"

Eiri highly doubts that. And he's not an artist. He's a mid tier romance novelist.

"In general, the sales of novels have been slipping recently. There's not as much of a demand for what you offer and it isn't a prudent time to take a creative risk. " The editor says, but she has the decency to sound apologetic at least.

Eiri knew she was going mention this but it still annoys him. Is there ever a prudent time to take a creative risk? What does she want from him? Global fame? A noble prize for literature? For some big film studio to buy the rights to one of his books and make a mediocre but profitable film out it? Then maybe she'll stop bothering him for a while. Not likely.

He resists the urge to get up and leave.

He says "What's your point."

"Fine. I know you don't care about that. All I think is that you should at least keep your mind open for some constructive criticism. "

"What do you suggest then." He says.

She put her hand on his.

"I'm suggesting that you consider making the main character- or maybe the other one female." She says liltingly, and leans in. "Why not? It will be just as good of a love story and you won't risk alienating anybody or jeopardizing your good track record."

Eiri stares at their joint hands, then slides his hand away.

"No." Eiri says.

"Eiri-"

" If you won't publish it like it is, I can find someone else-"

"Have you been sleeping well ?"

"Not really." Eiri answers curtly. He must look as exhausted as he feels.

He has been writing nonstop. His whole body is sore from sitting in the same position for hours. His eyes sting. He almost missed this appointment.

He grumbles. "I don't understand what I'm doing. "

"What are you doing?"

"I find myself… writing this scene I didn't want to write- where the main character… Shuichi is his name, he gets assaulted to protect his lover from blackmail …"

"That must be difficult."

"Yes." Eiri puts a hand over his eyes. "Why would put himself through that? The relationship between them is ostensibly over at this point … it makes no sense- although… he might not want to be expose himself either….but still…"

"I meant for you personally. "

The author is quiet for a long moment. He removes his hand from his eyes, and leans back in his seat.

"Its not. I usually don't care for my characters. The personal experience is on the onus of the readers. I despise sentimentality and any other unnecessary emotions that corrupt the story. Any emotions that are introduced into my work are aesthetic. "

His psychiatrist asks. "Then what are the characters there for?"

"They are there , so unfortunate things can happen to them."

"Why?"

" Why. Its something the story requires."

"Is it? Or is something you require?"

"Why would I require it." Eiri mutters. He puts a finger on his temple. His head hurts. "Unless I was a sadist. Unless I somehow enjoyed making my characters suffer because it made me feel superior to them. If that were so , I wouldn't deserve to write at all. "

'Why do you write Eiri?"

He is struck quiet again. He has answered the same question time and time again. Once he had replied: I write because I'm fascinated by the human dilemma.

The triteness of that response still haunts him.

"I don't have a choice. I have to write. But if I did choose to, it'd likely be for masochistic reasons." Today Eiri says. " Like any artist of consequence, I should suffer for my art. That's the point, isn't it. "

"The suffering?"

"Yeah."

"Do you feel as if you deserve to suffer Eiri?"

He stares at the floor gripping his knees.

"Why not. Someone should suffer. Why not me."

There is another long silence .

"I'll prescribe you a stronger stabilizer."

"You seem distracted Eiri." Tohma says calmly.

"I am not." The writer paces and forth, then throws himself down into the sofa . "You've just caught me at a bad time."

"I can see that." Tohma eyes his surroundings disapprovingly.

The place is a mess. Papers, beer cans, God knows what everywhere. How did it get so messy? He doesn't even have this much stuff. There are some socks in the corner from his most recent nighttime visitor.

But what did Tohma expect? Coming unannounced like this.

"Would you like a drink? " Eiri decides he needs to leave this room now. Possibly forever. "I'm getting myself one.

"No thank you."

He goes to the kitchen. Tohma follows him.

While he's getting his scotch, the older man looks in the refrigeration, starts checking inside the cabinets. "Have you been eating?" Tohma says. "Your kitchen is very sparse."

"Been eating out." Eiri mutters. Puts a tumbler on the counter. (No, he's hasn't.)

"And your mail?"

He pours the scotch into it neat. "I've opened the letters from the editor. The rest don't matter."

The author snatches his glass, walks back into his living room, and slumps back down on the sofa again. Tohma follows and sits down on the other side.

"What about the ones from your well-wishers? Your friends?" Tohma asks.

"Heh. My well-wishers. Don't you mean my fans. I never read them. They get send to the publishers where I assume they're shredded" Eiri leers to himself and sullenly tosses scotch down his throat.

" And I don't have friends." He finishes with a burning swallow.

"Am I not your friend Eiri." Tohma says intently.

Eiri doesn't answer. He lights a cigarette.

Tohma uses the silence to pull out a printed manuscript from his shoulder bag.

"So. I've read what you sent me so far… You rarely show me your work until its done."

"It should be done by now but its not. It seems no matter how many times I try and break the characters apart, they get back together again… how is it possible? "Eiri snaps. His cigarette quivers before him. He realizes his fingers are trembling. "They're are refusing to obey me. I've just been trailing after them trying to record whatever the hell it is they do next! At this rate I won't be able to meet my deadline!"

" Eiri." Tohma says concernedly. "Have you been taking your medication?"

"Don't insult me." Eiri snaps. "I don't know why I'm like this." He crushes his cigarette in the ashtray and runs a hand through his dirty hair. There are deepening rings under his eyes. His mouth tastes like death. "I don't like this feeling. Its unnecessary but since you're here, I might as well ask you what do you think of it so far."

"I don't think you care what I think, but I have noticed that writing this story has possibly put you on edge, more than you've been for a while."

"Why would this one be so different than the others ?"

"Perhaps you are more honest in this work. More transparent . That and in it, you're exploring many important issues "

"Its fiction." Eiri sneers and takes out a new cigarette. "By definition, its not honest. Its not meant to explore anything. As for transparency, fiction's aim is not to clarify- if anything, its aim is to confound."

"It's not an admirable habit of yours." Tohma sighs.

"What. The smoking?"

Tohma snatches the unlit cigarette out of his mouth and places it on the table. " No. The sarcasm. Haven't you ever heard the saying that art is a lie that tells the truth?"

"Haven't you ever heard the saying: silence is golden? Really Tohma. I would be insulted, if that wasn't so stupid. Is that is who you think I am? That piece of tripe I've written? Only lousy writers write about themselves and that's not literature. That's narcissism. " Eiri says contemptuously . "Then again, nowadays everyone confuses cheap melodrama for genuine emotion, and exhibitionism for talent, and the inability to see beyond one's immediate fantasies as creativity. Lets be honest. Art is really just a lie selling more lies to delusional idiots."

Tohma clicks his tongue. "You do not really think that. "

" What I think is irrelevant. Its true.

"Your work says otherwise."

"What would you know about my work. Or anyone's? You're just a entertainer Tohma. " Eiri stares. "You're an image, a brand to be consumed , in the business of make-believe. As am I, just of a different kind."

"Believe that if you wish. "Tohma stares back. "But I do in fact know you Eiri."

" Like Hell you do. Give it to me. I won't finish it. In fact I 'll burn it right now if it'll make you shut up. " Eiri growls and raises an outstretched hand towards Tohma. "Give it here."

"No." Tohma clasps the manuscript to his chest.

"It doesn't matter if I tear that hardcopy up. I have a copy saved on my hard drive. I'll delete it later. " Eiri challenges.

"I thought you might try that. That is why I saved it on my hard drive from the email you sent me." The older man says.

"Damnit." Eiri curses. "Maybe I should just quit."

" I don't think you should make any hasty decisions after one conversation. You know that I am proud of you. I am proud of all the progress you have achieved over the last couple years. As for your most recent work I believe its very interesting " Tohma says kindly . "and I look forward to reading the rest of it."

"We'll see ." Eiri mutters.

The older man deftly gestures to the manuscript he's holding.

"All I wonder is … do ever you wish any of it were real ?" Tohma inquires.

"Does it matter."

"It matters to me." Tohma says gently.

Eiri looks out the window but he doesn't see anything.

"No. Of course not."

Tohma nods then says. " Mika has been asking about you ."

"What have you been telling her?"

"I wished to tell her that you have been conscientious and responsible, that we should trust you to yourself… ."

"Ah. But you found you couldn't say it?" Eiri glares. "That's why you're here , isn't it?"

"My relation with you doesn't have to do with my relation with Mika." Tohma says quietly. "I came here because I wanted to see you."

"No, you're here because you think I'm not conscientious, or responsible or to be trusted. I daresay you're right. "

"Do not misunderstand me Eiri- "

"No, its well understood. You always put things very clearly Tohma." Eiri turns away. "Don't you have to be going"

Tohma glances at his watch then stands.

"Yes I 'm afraid so, as it just so happens that I have some appointments this afternoon. I hope you will pardon me, and any disruption I may have caused you. I will come again soon at a time of your convenience. In the meantime, do take care . Send me more of your manuscript if you feel so inclined. "

"No. I won't bother. It was a mistake to send it to you in the first place. "

" Very well. May I suggest one other thing. "

"You will anyways."

"Might you possibly give this story a better ending than your last ones?"

"…."

"How can there be better ending? There isn't such a thing as a happy or sad ending. There's only what happens next."

He doesn't know why he bothered to reply. Tohma has already left.

He has put in a box. He's paid for it. He might as well look at it.

But he doesn't. He puts it away in his bottom drawer for safekeeping.

Knowing its there makes him feel secure and scared at the same time.

Eiri convinces himself. "Its for research. For the novel."

Later before bed he tells himself again. " Its just for the novel."

" Have you ever read my books?"

"Eiri? Is that you? Its very late to be calling- is this an emergency?"

"I'm asking you a question. I'm asking you, have you read any of my books?"

"No…' The psychiatrist pauses. "I can't say that I have."

"Good for you. You couldn't catch up at this rate. I have written six novels so far -at the same dead line like the changing of the seasons. Just as predictable too. Infact once you read one, you've read them all. It's the same damn novel over and over again. Haven't they realized it yet? Ha. A author should never show contempt for his audience, right? But I have done nothing else. I have written them all sneering. Yet I have enough recognition that my name -my pseudonym- is now larger than their titles. For that reason I don't much care what the titles are anymore. My editor says they're fine , as long as they're pithy, catchy, and sellable. Likewise I have been marketed, like my books that way, as a author of love stories- if you have a dubious definition of love, and romance- if you define romance as plain old fraudulence. But I am marketable, don't you think."

" What do mean Eiri?"

" This can't be news to you. I'm a literary prize nominee. Read : Not winner. I am said to be good at interviews, on television, radio … although they're all pretty terrible. The printed interviews are the worst though .They take pieces of what you say out of context, or invent quotes, reinterpret you into a unbearable caricature of yourself. I have thrown away all the recordings, tapes they send me, and the publications in the garbage after reading them. Why would anyone waste moments of their lives and money to soak that in? They are almost bad as the reviews. Have you seen those?"

"No I'm afraid not. I don't follow the popular press and I'm not familiar with fiction in general. If I do read, its for academic purposes. Anything I know about your writings, I know from what I hear in our sessions."

"I'm not surprised. No one reads the reviews, except the critics who write them and the authors they're written about. My readers certainly don't when they buy my books. I doubt they even read the blurb because I 'm "photogenic". That's why they always put my picture on the inside jacket and on the back too. I think its overkill but the readers like it ." Eiri's voice lowers into his smokier register. "Do you find me attractive ?"

"…You're my patient."

"You didn't answer the question Dr." Eiri says with a deep chuckle. "have you ever thought about it? I have. Not initially. On first impression, I thought you were a pretty unremarkable woman. Mousy, but smart at least. After a while, I thought' not bad.' You'd might even be cute -if you took off those glasses, let your hair down…and I became curious. I would wonder about your sex life as we would discuss mine. I would wonder what was under your coat- I would wonder if you were capable of spontaneity, of a real human reaction. I wondered what you would be like in a more intimate setting -if you'd take the lead as you always do or would let someone else take charge for a change. Would you have allowed me? Could have ever seen me than just more than a patient ? Or would knowing I was your patient make it better for you? Would you been flattered for a chance to sleep with a famous author? Would you've gone to bed with me if I offered? You must of heard of my reputation. Would you have liked to verify it for yourself? "

"Why are you telling me all this? "The psychiatrist is not shocked, offended or upset. In fact, she sounds concerned. "Why are you doing this right now?"

"Why. Why. Everyone keeps asking me that question. Hell should I know. You shouldn't get too excited about it. Its nothing personal. My looks were the source of my misery and ostracism as a child. Ironically they are now touchstone of my fame and prosperity as an adult. It's a pathetic turnabout of power and I don't know what to do with it except abuse it. When I'm not in avoidance of people, I try to seduce them , without knowing why. Men. Women. Even Tohma, whatever the hell he is. But Tohma would never do anything though. He doesn't feel that way about me- and neither do I about him, but I find myself attempting it anyways. Just to see if I can, or because it a mechanical act for me…or maybe to punish him … or punish myself . I don't know. In truth I feel sorry for the guy. I feel anger, resentment -but he feels guilt. That's much worse. I'm a situation that has kept him and Mika trapped for years. "

"We've all been trapped for a long time. And within it all, all the misinterpretation- all the lies, the misunderstandings. Etc. Etc. That and my career has been a con game where everyone- including myself, has been cheated. But I have a nice car that I recently totaled in a fugue state, so I can't complain. But this wasn't my purpose in calling you. I called you to tell you the truth. You can disregard the rest. Remember those bad lyrics I showed you? "

"Yes."

"Yes, who could forget . I didn't find them flying around in the park somewhere." Eiri says. "I recently found them in the bottom of a drawer. My drawer."

The psychiatrist waits expectantly.

"I wrote those lyrics myself six years ago. In New York."

"Why did you not say so?"

"Because they were terrible. In fact, they're the worse thing I've ever read. I thought I had rightfully destroyed everything from that time, but apparently not." Eiri says grimly. "I couldn't even admit to myself that I wrote it. If I had- I would have never written again. When you read them, didn't you think that whoever wrote those words had no talent- that he knew nothing? "

"I didn't think that at all."

"You knew it was me all along, didn't you?" Eiri smiles, despite himself. "Nothing gets past you. That's your job though. You're a doctor, you diagnose truth, and get rid of the illness. I'm a writer though. My job is to make up stories and make the illness irresistible . Anyways, I had to own up to it. Before I…"

"Before you what? "

"I'm sorry I couldn't let the damn poem go. It started to remind me of things. Things I couldn't handle remembering. Maybe I'm just weak. I'm sorry for that boy that I was and the people he hurt, the lives he destroyed. He was stupid and reckless - he wrote that love poem for the person he loved most, and he believed in that nonsense- he didn't even understand what he was talking about or what he had set in motion, and what happened to him…I wish I could go back and stop him. Stop all the suffering he created for himself and others. Why did it have to happen? If only I had some insight …. my life has been ruined since. No- it was a mistake from the beginning- everything I've done and everything I am has been one awful mistake. God I'm tired of lying and pretending to myself. I just want this disgusting business to be over with and there's nowhere else left to go to. I just keep seeing it in my mind-I keep seeing things that I can't explain…" Eiri takes a shuddering breath. "I can't be helped…"

"That's not true. I can help you Eiri. There are many others who can help you"

"No, it's a bit late for that speech." He clears his thoat. "Don't worry. I won't forget to send your check- "

" No, please stay on the line. Talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking right now."

"I have said all I have to say. It's now time for me to act ."

"Eiri." Her voice is cautious. "Do you ...have a plan? "

"Not a plan. Better. 'He says and thinks of the box in his drawer. "I have a gun."

He says nothing for the entire ride, until the ambulance slows to its final stop.

He then asks. "What time is it."

"Its 3:12 sir." The EMT says.

Eiri closes his eyes . He lies back, strapped up in the gurney.

3:12 am.

Now he will always know exactly what time it was when he was committed.

Damnit. He still can't believe his psychiatrist called the cops on him. They arrived so fast, nearly the instant he had said the magic words "gun". After they took away the box with his gun inside it away, they had an ambulance waiting. His psychiatrist must have called even before he brought it to her attention. She's always astute that one.

When did she know? When he hit on her? When he admitted about the lyrics? Damn her.

Secretly he's relieved. He doesn't know what he'd do if he were allowed out.

The staff take away whatever he's got on him- his phone, his cigarettes, keys and car keys, his change, even his wallet. They even make him remove his one earring in his right ear, the piercing he got at 18 which nobody else liked but him. They put it in all in a plastic basket behind the front desk and they say they will give back to him later.

The first 24 hours, they have a caregiver sit with him, just to watch him the whole time. They take shifts. They even have a little partition so someone can be with him in the bathroom and allow him some privacy. Clever.

Later he joins the herd of other patients. The routine everyday is the same. Its written out on a big white board in the entry hall, along with the list of doctors and nurses who are on duty.

Breakfast at six. Then medication.

Then a psychical exam, where he gets his blood pressure, temperature, reflexes, and vitals checked. Apparently his blood pressure is on the lower side.

Then group therapy, in which the patients are separated into small circles of woe and sit around and talk to themselves. A counselor is present. He wonders if they listen. At the beginning of each session, the patients go around the circle and take turns saying one adjective to describe their emotional state.

"Sad." A bearded businessman croaks.

"Confused." A older woman sniffs into a damp tissue.

When its Eiri's turn, he doesn't says anything.

Then lunch.

A private session with a therapist after that.

Then free time or optional games. The long-term patients and the patients with privileges are allowed to go outside in a small courtyard. Eiri does not have those privileges yet.

Then visitation time.

Then another round of group therapy. This time around the circle, they use one adjective to describe how the day has gone so far.

"Productive." A young woman timidly smiles. She's given birth recently and wants to go home.

"Tiring" A skinny man says. He's covered with tattoos and bruises.

Once again Eiri doesn't say anything.

Dinner time. Another vitals check up.

Then medication.

Then sleep.

Over the week, patients come and go. Some are loud and unruly, acting out or violent- the schizophrenics or dementia patients , or ones inflicted with mania or obsessive compulsive disorder. They are removed, isolated, taken into rooms with a abundance of staff and return heavily medicated.

The majority of the patients are depressed - young adults, students, middle aged people, elders, mothers with post partum. They say and do hardly anything and are much more easily managed. They seem to console themselves with the fact that at least they don't have to attempt to act normal around each other

Some people insist it was a mistake that they got here- an off night of drinking, or an argument that got out of hand- and beg to released. Sometimes, they are. Mostly though, they aren't.

Other than the expected unintelligent comments or boorish questions about his eye and hair color from the other patients which Eiri ignores , no one seems to recognize who he is or what he does. If they do, they don't mention it. One supposes that this segment of society doesn't bother to read novels or keep up the literary section of periodicals. So, Eiri thinks, what do you know, my readers aren't crazy after all.

Eiri passes the time. He watches television or does nothing. He starts jig saw puzzles and doesn't finish them. He plays cards silently with himself. He even starts sitting around some of the more lucid patients during meals - or at least lucid enough to complain about the monotony of the routine or about the bedside manner of the doctors or the lack of variety in the menu.

Once or twice, Eiri realizes where he is, what has become his life. He starts crying and can't stop. He realizes he could cry for hours, days. He hasn't cried in six years. His head feels like its splitting open when he cries.

They give him pills to stop it.

Mika, Tohma, even his idiot brother Tatsuha visits him. Father doesn't, but he didn't expect he would. Eiri is glad not to see Father , but he would be glad never to see him again.

The trio come, coifed and ridiculously over-dressed for a hospital visit to their mentally ill relation. They bring him clothes and underwear and books ( none of his books), and other things that he doesn't ask for. They tell him of what they have been doing lately. They don't ask him what happened. They scrutinize him with careful shocked guilty expressions. They don't want it to be their fault. They feel ashamed that they have to come here. Eiri doesn't blame them.

"Are you alright?" They ask him. "How are you feeling?"

What stupid questions.

"You can't sneak a cigarette in here." Eiri reports indifferently.

He knows that they've talked to one of the doctors. They must already know.

It happened yesterday morning. He had managed to charm some smokes off a cafeteria worker and pick pocket matches off a janitor. He had smoked one and half cigarettes in his shower stall , before the alarm sounded and he was caught. Three male nurses came. He did not run or struggle . He let them take his cigarettes and matches away from him.

As per protocol, they informed him that they would have to pat him down and body check him for extra contraband. They would also have check his room.

Eiri behaved. He let them turn his room inside out. He let them pat him down. He did not run or struggle. He had stood there , eyes clenched shut, his hands raised like a criminal.

Then one of the nurses, the tall one with the check board, asked him politely to undress. More specifically take off his shirt, then his trousers.

It was like someone else had done it.

Eiri had flown at the man without thinking or knowing. He didn't know if he punched or kicked, or kneed or elbowed him, but whatever he did, he did it hard enough to knock the nurse to the ground unconscious , bleeding from the nose. Though Eiri was the one doing the hitting, he felt pain. His skull had felt dented in and his heart felt like a knot coming undone.

The other nurses tried to restrain him, and he fought them too. Crazily. Like a frightened animal. They had to call more nurses which he also attacked. He may have been sobbing or crying during it.

When they finally restrained him, he was shouting something over and over, a agonized human heap gnawing into the sterilized linoleum floor. It had hurt so much. They gave him an injection and it was over.

Eiri shakes his head to clear away the memory.

"In other news, I have a whole hall to myself. My neighbor believed he was working for the secret service." Eiri had heard man ranting to himself through the walls of the next room about his various top secret activities. "They took him away last night." Probably to complete his mission.

"Do you think you'll feel well enough to leave soon?" Tatsuha asks.

Eiri knows better than to answer. Instead he says. "The food's not bad here."

At the end of the visit , Tatsuha hugs him. "Get well bro."

He barely manages not to cringe away.

The next time they request Eiri go to a private room for their visit. There is an ominous feeling to it like a court summons. When he enters, the room looks like a board room, with gray walls, a long conference table and several bolted down chairs.

Tohma and Mika are already waiting for him. They stand side by side like palace guards. Tatsuha is conspicuously absent.

Eiri doesn't bother saying hello. He takes a seat behind the table. He notices Tohma has an manila envelope in his hand.

"We just got the result back for a test." Tohma says portentously.

Mika chews her lip but says nothing.

The writer stares at the envelope. There now. He thinks. Don't leave us in suspense Tohma.

"A test of your hair or more accurately a toxicology report." Tohma continues to hammer in the point . "to see if you would test positive for drug use."

All this trouble on my account? Really? Eiri thinks. Toxicology. To find out how toxic he is. How very advanced. Where did they get the hair? His comb? His shower drain? One of his stalker fans?

Tohma then says " It tested positive."

At this point Eiri stops listening. Of course, he has always done more than drink at the bars or clubs he frequents. How else would he endure the annoying music and those boring people ? He had recently started using in the morning, on and off he day, and while writing- which in hindsight explained some of the more bizarre and disjointed parts of his latest work. The funny part was that nobody seemed to notice the difference.

When he starts listening again he hears Tohma say. "Would you like to take a look for yourself, and confirm if this information is in fact correct?"

"If you don't mind." Eiri says expressionlessly and extends his hand. It's the first thing he's said to them so far.

Tohma gives him the envelope.

He opens it and asks "May I have my reading glasses."

Mika pulls his glasses out of her handbag. She gives them to Tohma who hands them over to him. Eiri cleans his glasses on his shirt, puts them on and reads his test results.

Its correct alright. It is all there- from amphetamines, to opiates cocaine to Quaaludes etc. all the drugs he's ever taken. They are even listed in order of severity and concentration. Seeing it all together, it looks nearly impressive like a checklist of debauchery.

Or just really pathetic. Like a excruciatingly detailed confession of failure.

He sets the paper down..

"Yeah." Eiri says. "That was one hell of a weekend."

"How dare you make light of this." Mika says, face is red as her perfectly applied lipstick.

"What else can I do."

"So it is true then." Tohma says. "You do not deny it."

"I don't see any reason why I should. " Eiri crumples his drug test into a ball and throws it aside. He takes his glasses off and puts them on the table. "Was all this necessary."

"Yes it was."

"Good." Eiri starts to gets out of his chair. "I'm glad you got what you needed."

"Where do you think you're going?!" Mika explodes. She steps forward , threatening to push him back down into his seat. "Sit down!

"I assumed we were done."

"We are just getting started- Oh my God Eiri! What is wrong with you?!"

He says. "You should know better than to ask that."

" Do you know how dangerous those drugs are - just by themselves, let alone mixing them with your medication? Don't you know what you were doing to yourself?! Didn't you think once of the consequences? You could have died or you could have been permanently brain damaged - if you aren't already-"

"Yeah. I could have, and I probably am damaged- not enough to tolerate this nauseating anti-drug lecture. I did know the consequences, but I went ahead with anyways. So how dare you . How dare you subject me to this bullshit inquisition. You violated my privacy and tested me- an adult man- without my consent. Not only am I certain that what you've done is unethical, what you've done is degrading. Its degrading to you two, and its far more degrading to me than anything I've ever done to myself."

" What else were we supposed to do? Just sit back and watch you destroy yourself?" Mika cries.

"That would have suited me." Eiri states. "Whatever little trust there was between us is gone. I'll won't forgive you after this."

" I'm sorry it came to this. Nobody wanted to violate your privacy but you left us no choice! You forced our hand. You weren't talking to us, and you're weren't capable of making safe and healthy decisions. We did for your own good, so we could take the appropriate steps to protect you!" Mika shouts.

"If I really want to do something, I'll find a way. Its time you've accepted that you can't protect me. Not from myself." Eiri says. "But I suppose why would you both stop trying now? You've done an stellar job in the past."

Mika flinches. Tohma's fists clench by his sides.

"It is because of the past that we'll never stop trying. " Tohma then asserts. "We're know how difficult these last couple of years have been. We suffer as well.

"You have no idea what its been like for me, thanks a million for the suffering- but I think I've had enough suffering for a change- both yours and mine." Eiri says ." I can manage fine on my own."

"No you can't." Mika is nearly in tears." Look at where you were Eiri. You were contemplating suicide."

"Contemplating. Too bad. I would have been better off if I had just done it. We would all be better off. " Eiri stares at them both coldly. "At least, I've learned something valuable. When you say you're going to do something, make sure to follow through. "

Mika gasps and takes a step back. Tears start to pour down her shocked face.

Good Eiri thinks.

"Enough Eiri. We understand what you're saying right now isn't reality. It is your illness talking- but I can't abide this kind of speech "Tohma says stoically. "its upsetting Mika."

"Shut the fuck up Tohma." Eiri snaps. "Don't pretend not to know what I'm capable of - You're just lucky I don't have a gun on me right now. I'd use it this time- and maybe not only on myself either! And I'll talk to her however the hell I want. She's my goddamn sister."

" She is also my wife."

"Yeah some marriage you have. The picture perfect couple. What a joke. You both make me sick to my stomach."

"Just stop both of you. " She wipes away her tears with the back of her hand. "This isn't Eiri's fault and this isn't about defending our relationship Tohma - its about-

"Its about nothing. So lets all stop this indulgent carrying on. Unless, there will be anything else today." Eiri growls. " Or is that all you got? Will there be any surprise polygraph tests? Have you had people following me? And if so, for how long? Will you pull out incriminating photographs? God I hope so. I could use them for my next novel's cover. As long as we're getting it all out there, I'd like to state to you both now that I'm also interested in men sexually . That shouldn't surprise either of you, but incase you needed any clarification : it has nothing to do with my afflictions or my drug use, so don't hope it goes away with them. I like to fuck men. Plain and simple. "

Tohma swallows. " This is not the time or place to make such announcements."

"That's exactly why it needs to be said." Eiri smiles sickly. "I have another announcement to make. I've made a decision. I am going to check out of the hospital today and after you congratulate me for my quick recovery, I will leave Japan and I won't come back. Don't bother contacting me again after this."

Tohma says. "You're not ready to go anywhere, let alone New York."

Eiri glares. "Who said anything about New York?"

"You didn't need to say it Eiri…." Tohma says sternly. "We cannot permit harm to come to you again. We have already took measures to ensure that we can restrict your movement if necessary."

"What the fuck does that mean.

"It means we can't allow you to jeopardize yourself anymore than you already have." Mika says. "I am sorry but we should have done this a long time ago."

"Don't. " Eiri hisses, fists trembling. " Don't apologize while you do... this to me. Don't use that goddamn tone with me. I'm not a little boy you can boss around. I know better. You have no grounds to keep me here or anywhere. That and I don't buy this sorrowful but firm act. If anything, I'm sure you're enjoying this putrid scene."

Tohma actually looks shocked for once , hand on his chest, eyes enormous and everything. "How could you possibly think that?"

"How could we enjoy playing along with your delusions?" Mika cajoles.

"Oh knock it off. You two are eating this up. You never could resist the chance to play the savior and martyr both." Eiri sneers. "You're like a tableau of a medieval painting- the nice successful couple saddled with the drug addled sexually confused degenerate. As for delusions, I'm the least deluded person in this room."

"I wish that were true." Mika interjects.

"Mika- now maybe is not the time-" Tohma hushes.

"No Tohma. It was the time a long time ago." She clutches Tohma's shoulder. "We should have ended it immediately-"

"Ended what?!"

Mika says." We thought it was just a harmless fantasy- a coping mechanism that allowed you to deal with everything that happened in New York. We figured we could manage the situation, rectify it little by little, without traumatizing you any further. You seemed to be improving too- as it gave you an outlet and adhered you to some form of structure. But clearly, this all has become pathological. "

Eiri snarls. "What are you babbling about?!"

"This illusion you that you have about being this… this writer- this famous novelist has to stop!"

"But I am a writer !" Eiri shouts. "I am a famous novelist!"

"Yes. You may be a writer of sorts - but your "books" are never published!" Mika exclaims. " Did you really think that you with all your various issues that you could manage the stress of such a high pressure job, along with being in public eye?"

"I did manage!" Eiri knows how ridiculous it sounds, given where they are." As long as people stayed away!"

"And haven't you ever wondered why you don't see your books in the book stores?"

"How the hell should I know. I don't bother to go the stores to check for stupid things like that!" Eiri hisses. "Maybe they're not being carried anymore- there's not much demand for what I offer-"

"Because they aren't published" Mika croaks. " because they're aren't books."

"You have copies- Tohma -you have what I send you-"

Tohma grimaces. He looks down, and pinches the bridge of his nose like he's in physical pain. Mika puts a hand on his arm, as if to comfort him.

"Yes." Mika says, softer now. " From what you send Tohma- your writings are… I don't even know what they are. They're full of pain and violence and death. They're sad, frightening and nearly incoherent, the ramblings of a unwell person. And the pen name you put on them- its awful- why would you do that to yourself? "

"Its… just not possible. I have an editor- and I have press- the fans-" Eiri shakes his head back and forth. "I've made money-"

"Your editor! We thought you were speaking analogously ! Your editor is just some poor woman you met , probably at some bar, who feels sorry for you and is half in love with you and clearly she's played along with your delusions for her own benefit." Mika adds.

"As for money, you subsisted on our financial support for years. We wire money every month into your account. Your so-called writer's allotment. As for all the press and the fans, that's a more recent fabrication of yours. This untruth has escalated over time and gradually gotten more extreme and grandiose- the last few weeks particularly. Firstly you started telling people you're a writer, then a published writer, then a renowned one and now I've even heard you've been telling people you're up for some literary award- people don't know what to think. It's been profoundly distressing , not to mention mortifying to witness- "

"No! This is ridiculous! None of that is true! Are you out of your minds?! " Eiri cries. "I have proof! Evidence! I don't keep the copies of the press and the fan mail- because its not important to me- but call my publishing house or my publicist they should have my press kit- or call the newspapers- anybody-and they'll show you! I have all their numbers on my phone. I have records of emails back and forth- letters and documents!"

"If that would so, I would know of them Eiri. " Tohma says quietly. "There's nobody to call. Your phone has no numbers on it, and I cannot find such documents at your home. I could have your computer checked, but I doubt we would find anything else either."

"Then there's been a mistake!" Eiri says frantically. " Call my shrink! She can vouch for me-'

Eiri freezes.

"Oh shit. " He falls back in his seat, aghast. "No- she doesn't follow the popular press- or know about my books… she only knows about my writing from what I tell her my sessions and I just talked about the private aspect of it -"

He didn't tell her about the extend of his fame and career, his fans, his interviews until the very last phone call, and he remembers admitting to being generally dishonest, lying about the story of the lyrics. What she assume afterward? Is that why she called the police so quickly-

Its as if Mika reads his thoughts. "Eiri please. Even in the police call and report that brought you here is full of inconsistencies. You said there was a gun in a box that you intended to… harm yourself with, that you handed over to the police? The box you gave them was empty- stuffed with torn up paper of your writing Eiri. Afterwards, the authorities checked your whole apartment just to make sure you didn't put this gun someplace else. They couldn't find it anywhere."

"So what." Eiri shoots back. "I could have hid it in a place that no one could find it-except myself."

"Then tell us where it is." Tohma says.

" No. You don't deserve to know!"

"Then the only other explanation why they can't find it, is because you never had a gun in the first place! Why did you lie about that too?" Mika moans.

"Why do you care?! Whether I had a gun or not, I would have found a way-"

"Eiri stop it! This just can't go on!" Mika shouts. "Its best you acknowledge it now, here in a safe environment, between the three of us. You've been lying about everything! All this time! Maybe with so much intensity and conviction, that you've even starting to believe it yourself-"

Eiri suddenly stands up, palms flat on the table.

Tohma and Mika watch him carefully.

Eiri hunches over and starts to laugh. Hysterically. He laughs harder than he can remember, but he can't remember when he'd laughed hard.

When he's out of breath, Eiri says with a horrified grin: "My God. Wow. You must think you can make me accept anything. But you're fucking wrong about that. But then again, I am at a mental institution. I've played right into your hands, haven't I? Bravo. I bet it was you even planted those lyrics in my drawer."

Mika gapes. "What are you talking about? What lyrics?"

"You don't have to pretend. I know. You could have saved that poem and waited for the opportune time. You could do it Tohma and everything else. You own the world, don't you? You have my keys. You come in all the time. You knew what would happen when I saw them- how I would react. And here, the staff here took my phone away, you could have wiped it clean, and you could have done the same with my electronic records too and gotten rid of my papers too. With your connections, you could pull my books from the shelves- destroy my press, cut me off from my contacts, discredit my editor, suppress my fans and make it seem like it all never happened- I know you could- "

"Eiri. Why would I ever do such a thing?" Tohma looks devastated. "And even with all my influence, no, I couldn't do that."

Mika is pale. "Do you realize how paranoid… and insane all that sounds? How seriously unbalanced you are? You need help."

Eiri puts his head in his hands.

"You want to know something else. I remember everything. I remember now what he did- though I didn't want to remember. That's why writing that assault scene - was so difficult for me. The incidence with the cigarettes here reminded me. When the nurses held me down- I was shouting a name. …" Eiri grits . " His name. Yuki Kitazawa."

Eiri raises his head. Tohma and Mika stand there as if they're targets in a firing range. Mika has a hand over her mouth.

" As you know, he was not much of a teacher - but he did teach me one terrible lesson. If you can call it that. Once I learned it, I could never forget it and after it, it was as if I killed who I was before, along with him. What he taught me that you can't necessarily trust people who claim to love you or claim to know you what's best for you. You can't even trust your own feelings of love… whatever you think it means…"

Tohma says. "You can trust us. We love you more than anything in this world Eiri."

'So did he. Or so he claimed. And like him you betrayed me. Yuki may have taken my innocence , but you intend to take away whatever's left. You've lied to me, pretended that you love me, when this hasn't been about love or anything like it , its about your enormous egotism, and need to control and your sense of guilt and duty- You've done it ever since New York. You've tried to crawl all over everything of mine and saturate it with yourselves and your fears, desires and anxieties or whatever else you wanted. You're both controlling maniacs who see me as only as only an object to order and organize, who can't stand that I won't do what you say, so you rather see me humiliated. You say I'm ill, but you're really the sick ones. You don't want me to get better. You feed off my helplessness, and instead of letting it come between your marriage like its should, it's become the justification for it. It better suits you for me to be incapable, forever the victim, and cowed by the secrets in my past because that way the bond- the pact between us three can never be broken- you'd rather play your games with me, manipulate me- exploit my weaknesses- allow me no secrets, or autonomy or dignity- just as long as I remain a growth on you. And I cooperated with it because- I thought I needed you. I thought that was love was because I knew no differently. For all this, I've never been myself or lived my own life at all. So why can't I have some control for once? Why can't something be true if I want it to be? Why can't I just FOR a moment have something for myself?!"

Eiri slams a fist on the table. The crack jolts through him like a gunshot. He sees Mika balk from the corner of his eye. He is shivering, sweating profusely, knees near buckling. He feels so hideous, enraged and sick with fear he doesn't know what to do with himself.

"Maybe I did lie." His voice is strangled, unrecognizable, cracking when he finally can find words. "I don't know. You seem so convinced that I'm a liar- it doesn't matter whether I confirm or deny it. But if I did lie, I didn't owe it to anyone to be honest, and the contempt in the act was mutual, both in my lying and your compliance in it- I may have started lying, but you put me in a position where I couldn't stop- You didn't require the truth of me. And I started to need it more and more- as I started to remember, I needed the distraction from the pain, from the effort of actually repenting-I needed to escape, and to damage myself and you by doing it. It may have been false and foul, and self-destructive, but it was what I had. And now you decide to confront me with this? You want my life as a fraud to be over when you know I'm incapable of any other kind of life? Do I have to choose between you or me? Your lies or mine? What do you want? To back me into a corner- until I have to destroy you too? Or do I have destroy myself to get away- "

Eiri grabs his stomach- it feels like something is trying to claw its way out.

"So that's it! You all win! I'm done !" Eiri trembles and groans."Are you happy? It doesn't matter to me whether its true or not anymore. Either way there's nothing left for me- So why don't you all let me go- why don't you just let me die and rot - its what I want -"

But he can't continue. Eiri sinks into himself, like a piece of paper burning. He can't breathe. His stomach heaves. He coughs uncontrollably. Something is coming up his throat and it tastes warm and horrible.

Its blood. Blood in his mouth. Its happening. It is like dying. Is he? What will happen? I hope his soul to heaven has gone. What is his soul?And where is it going?

"Oh my god." He hears Mika say.

It sounds mercifully distant.

"Call a nurse Mika." Tohma says.

Mika runs out to get the nurse. Tohma is grabbing Eiri's shoulders, holding him up. Then his cool hands reach to clasp Eiri around his face, pulling him to stand.

His blood is getting all over Tohma in the process.

They meet eye to eye.

Eiri 's face is crumpled, furious, ashamed, terrified, desperate for breath.

Tohma's expression is beatific.

Seeing that makes something collapse inside him. Eiri's vision wavers and he stumbles forward into Tohma's chest like he's been pushed.

Tohma catches and embraces him. "Shhhhhh." Tohma says soothingly. He holds him tightly. "Shhhhhhhh."

"No-" Eiri manages to choke, bleeding into Tohma's shoulder. "no please-"

Then the coup de grace.

"You will leave as soon as you are well enough to leave, but that will not be your decision ." Tohma whispers into Eiri's ear. "After your recent behavior, we've had more than enough evidence to have a court declare you mentally incompetent, and give us jurisdiction over you and your property. We have now become your legal guardians . "

Weeks or months pass, and his condition gradually improves.

On his day of his release, Mika and Tohma take him to their country home in Kyoto. Eiri is too tired, too shell-shocked to argue. The new medication leaves him dazed, exhausted, unable to fight for himself.

Mika tells him that they have managed to keep his convalescence a secret, that she told everyone that's he's been out of town. Not that he cares.

Every day, one of them or a chaperone will drive Eiri to his private therapy, and then to an out patient program and then a alcohol and drug rehabilitation meeting, then lastly to a cognitive behavior session. That will occupy most of his waking hours.

He doesn't know when he will have time to to do anything else.

They give him a tour of the house though he already knows his way around. They show him his room- one of their guest bedrooms. They have everything prepared for him. They brought the rest of his clothes and some of his furniture. They brought one of his paintings and hung it on his wall, the geometrical abstract one that looks like it should be in a waiting room. They even put flowers in his room- as a precaution, in a plastic vase in an cheerful arrangement. They have his pills in a small cloisonné box on the bedside table and a pitcher of water.

After the abbreviated tour, Eiri excuses himself to use the bathroom. He does not need to use it. He takes it as an opportunity to stare into the mirror at himself for a few minutes.

He knows Tohma and Mika are whispering loudly, urgently whenever he's leaves the room. He doesn't bother checking the medicine cabinet or under the sink. He knows they have removed all the sharp knives, plastic bags, pills, the toxic cleaner chemicals in the house.

His gun must be long gone-Will he ever need it again? Maybe. If so, will he be able to get it back? Unless they found it first. If he ever had it...

Eiri knows abstractly when he is stronger he might be angry about this treatment, but for the moment he doesn't care. At least he's got his earring back.

When he comes back out, he catches a glimpse of his sister and brother-in-law around the corner . They are holding each other's hands so tightly their knuckles are white.

"Oh.' Mika blinks, once she knows they have been spotted. She smiles at him.

She looks like their mother when she smiles.

"Are you hungry Eiri? We have some of your favorite dishes prepared"

She's still holding to Tohma's hand.

"No." He says. " I'm going to lie down,"

He turns to go. He hears Mika whisper. "I'll go with him."

Mika walks him to his bedroom door.

"Thank you." He says. Hollowly. He can't bring himself to turn around and face her as he says it.

"There's nothing to thank me for." She says softly behind him. "Call me if you need anything."

She doesn't follow him in.

He lays on the bed on his stomach, and closes his eyes.

He hears a sound. He turns his head to see to Tohma sitting neatly on his bed .

"I need my rest Tohma ." He says.

" It was my fault." Tohma ignores that statement, "I should have allowed you to erase that story when you wanted to. I thought letting you write it might be therapeutic. Clearly I was wrong. I am sorry."

The are quiet for a moment.

"Don't be. This had to happen sometime.' Eiri says emotionlessly. "I'm sorry I said those things to you. I would never hurt you or Mika."

"I know."

"Will I have a laptop while I'm here." He doesn't ask for his old one. He knows what the answer will be.

Tohma sighs. "Please don't worry about that."

Eiri says. "Will you turn out the light."

Tohma does. He then pulls the blanket up over Eiri and runs his hand through Eiri's hair like he's a little boy again.

Eiri's hair has gotten longer. Its almost to his shoulders now.

"I lied to you, you know. "His voice is barely audible but sound travels more in the dark.

Tohma does not ask what about.

" I do wish it were real. I wish Shuichi Shindou was real."

Tohma says. "He is real to you , isn't he."

"Yes. More real to me than some of the people I see walking down the street. I wish that the life I created for him was real. His friends, his co-workers, his creativity, his idols, his dreams…. All of it."

"The reason I called my shrink that night is because I kept seeing his face in my mind. I kept trying to get rid of him, but he wouldn't let me go. I could hear Shuichi's voice saying that he would come after me no matter what, that he would die without me, which is true. Technically. Without me, he wouldn't exist. I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't erase him along with me… He was innocent. That and he told me he loved me. Even after all I put him through."

For a moment Tohma's hand stops stroking his hair.

"I haven't lost my grip on reality. I know Shuichi Shindou doesn't exist. He's nothing but a character I invented for the purposes of a story , a figment of my imagination, "

Tohma thinks for a moment, then says. "It doesn't matter, if you care for him."

"Besides, no one could ever possibly love me that much, and for no good reason. "

"You are mistaken about that."

"I better be right. I can't stand him most the time . He's so annoying even just in my thoughts -imagine if the damned brat were real?" Eiri murmurs." He wouldn't ever leave me alone. He didn't leave me alone, even when I wanted it the most. Shuichi kept me alive that night. He's still keeping me alive right now. What does that mean ?"

Tohma says. "You truly are a romance writer after all Eiri."

"Maybe that was inevitable. Although I didn't choose him at first, Shuichi belongs to me. Or rather, I belong to him. I've accepted it. Now that I have, I don't know if I want to share him with anybody, but at least I know he's there… Maybe the thought of that alone will be enough to sustain me … for a while …"

"Shared or unshared. It does not negate your Shuichi. You will know when you will be ready. Then it will be time to begin the story again, and share him with the rest of us , if you so choose. And maybe someday, you'll be ready to find your own real Mr. Shindo." Tohma rest a hand on the back of his neck for a moment." Sleep well Eiri."

When Tohma leaves, Eiri closes his eyes.

The beginning of a smile appears on his face.

He falls asleep.

The next morning, Eiri see a new laptop on his desk waiting for him.

He gets up and starts to write.

The end. Or whatever happens next.