Battle of the Bands
Chapter 1
It was only ten minutes to show time at the first venue Josie and the Pussycats were playing on their new tour. Two members of the band, Valerie and Melody, were in the backstage dressing room chatting with Alexandra, the sibling of the band's manager as well as Josie's longtime rival who had followed the band around on tour for years.
The afro sporting Valerie and luscious blonde Melody were both decked out in their trademark pussycat band uniforms with long tails and ears for hats. Alexandra, with her rich dark hair with the distinctive white lightning bolt down the middle, was in one of her favorite red and black outfits with a suggestively short skirt. She was holding her pet cat Sebastian, who purred as Alexandra gently stroked his furry back in her arms.
Although Alexandra had remained adversarial towards the band for years, Melody and Valerie had grown much closer to her in recent months. Their rapport with her was now much friendlier. Part of that was a coping strategy in response to the recent change in the person who was currently absent from their pre-concert pow wow.
Suddenly, Alexandra's brother, Alexander Cabot the Third, ran into the room. He was wearing his thick rimmed sunglasses he almost never took off as well as a rather tacky green button-down shirt covered in dollar signs "Where's Josie?" he cried out in a panicky voice.
"I thought we agreed it was now your responsibility to keep track of her?" Valerie spat back, sounding a bit agitated.
"Believe me I tried," Alexander continued. "It's impossible. Blame that muscle head Alan M. for quitting. That brute was the only person who could corral her."
"What a great manager you are," Valerie snarled under her breath.
"Just go on without her," Alexandra said flatly as she continued to stroke Sebastian in her arms. "It's your guys' fault for not wanting to make tough decisions. You have to get rid of her. I know I've been saying that for years, but now it's really true. I really mean it this time. You have to listen to me."
"Mrow!" Sebastian agreed with his master.
"Give her another chance, Alexandra," Melody, the cute perky drummer of the band, chimed in. "I know Josie hasn't been very nice recently, but everyone deserves another chance."
Alexandra was exasperated with how nice Melody was being about it, especially with Josie's behavior towards Melody in particular as of recent. She always knew Melody was kind and caring despite being the dumbest person she had ever met, but Melody would be a candidate for sainthood if she kept this up. "Come on, Melody, you know what I'm saying is right," she pleaded with legitimate concern in her voice.
Melody shook her head. "Nuh uh."
Alexandra groaned.
"You haven't seen her at all?" Alexander asked again, sounding like he was about to faint from the stress.
"Did you look under the table?" Melody chirped. "That's the first place I always look when I lose something. He he he he," she giggled.
Valerie, Alexander and Alexandra leaned down and looked down under the long table in the middle of the dressing room. Sure enough, under the dark shadow of the table, a person appeared to be sitting Indian style busy doing something.
Wanting to get a better look, Valerie pushed the table back until Josie was completely revealed from her hiding spot. There she was sitting on the floor with her legs crossed. She had a glass tube with a bulb at the end in one hand and a syringe in her other hand. There was a red spot on her arm, showing that the syringe had recently been used. She then took another puff out of the glass pipe she held, seemingly oblivious to the fact she now had an audience.
"Josie, what the hell are you doing?" Valerie asked, shocked.
Josie looked up at her with bloodshot eyes. "What does it look like, you dumb bitch? I'm doing crack and heroin at the same time!"
The whole group groaned. Alexandra, looking especially pissed off, began to stomp off out of the room. "I'll be back later. I think I need some fresh air," she muttered darkly.
"Crack and heroin at the same time? What's wrong with you?!" Valerie shouted, still dumbfounded.
"Crack helps me perform. Heroin allows me to reach peak creativity. I'm a rock star. I'm doing what rock stars do! What do you want from me?!"
"Josie, you should listen to Smokey the Bear when he tells you to just say no to drugs," Melody told Josie in the most serious sounding tone her naturally cute sing song voice could muster.
Josie glared back at her from the floor with sharp daggers in her eyes.
"We can talk about this later," Alexander said. "Come on, Josie, you have to get on stage or I'm not going to get paid," he warned. He then ripped the crack pipe and syringe out of Josie's hands.
"Fine, for fuck's sake!" Josie whined.
"You mean we're not going to get paid, Alex," Valerie snapped at the extremely self-centered manager. She then got closer to him and whispered into his ear, "Like I told you, she needs to go into rehab."
"Right after this tour," he whispered back. "Like it or not, she's the headliner. Without her, we can't sell tickets."
"I can hear you," Josie snarled at the two as she finally stood up. "Drugs give me heightened senses including supersonic hearing. I already told you I don't need no fucking rehab. And this is my band! It's named after me! No other member and certainly no fucking manager can tell me what to do with my band. You got that, Alex? You got that?" she screamed, sounding absolutely psychotic.
Alexander gulped. He knew she meant business. "Ye..ye.. yes, mam."
Suddenly, Josie's expression got even more sinister. "You remember what I said I'd do if you tried to boss me around again, right, Alex?"
Alexander was now shaking like a leaf. "Yes, mam!" he spurted out nervously. "Well, good luck with this gig, girls. I'm going back to the hotel early." Alexander then sprinted towards a back exit and ran right out of the building.
"Bye bye!" Melody said, waving at him gleefully.
Reluctantly, Valerie brought Josie her pussycat uniform. Josie got changed, and the three members of the band walked out on to the stage and made their entrance. Melody stepped up onto her circular drum riser and got behind her drum kit. Valerie took her spot in front of Melody to the right with her two tambourines. Josie took her position with her guitar to the left.
Josie saw the size of the crowd, and her mood instantly switched from bitterly defensive of her drug habits to energized to perform in front of the people that had come to see her. She then shouted into her microphone, "We love you, Albuquerque! I can't tell you how happy we are to be back in New Mexico in the good ol' U.S. of A."
"Josie, we're in Paris!" Valerie scolded.
"Le BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Le BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," the crowd booed in a French accent.
"Hurry up, start our set," Valerie shouted at Melody. "Maybe they'll forget Josie's screw up if we start playing!"
"Wait up," Josie shouted at Valerie. "Let me do lead vocals on the first song."
Valerie scowled at her. "Fine."
Melody hit her drumsticks together a few times and then began expertly tapping her drums to create a catchy beat. A fraction of a second later, Valerie joined in by slapping one of her tambourines on her shapely ass, completing the percussion section of Josie and the Pussycats.
Josie then started strumming her guitar in an odd fashion, following not the beat provided by Melody and Valerie but some strange beat with an almost alien like structure that existed only in her head. It sounded like pure noise.
She then moved her lips close to the microphone to provide the vocals for what was supposed to be one of Josie and the Pussycats' trademark hits, Roadrunner. "Watch out for the roadrunner! Watch out, or he'll fuck you right now! Watch out for the roadrunner! Biggest dick in town. Watch out! Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!"
Valerie and Melody had terrified looks on their faces as they attempted to sing along to the chorus with completely different lyrics than the ones coming out of Josie's mouth. Josie had completely forgotten the words to the song, one she had co-written with Valerie for their debut album.
Josie continued singing very off key, "Hey, girl, take my advice. His penis might be really nice, but he's a cheat. He's a snake. He'll fuck your friend with a rake. His cock's just not worth the price. He's cumming on you. He's the roadrunner!"
Josie then started trying to impersonate the Looney Tunes roadrunner, which had nothing to do with their song. "Beeeeep! Beeeeep! Watch out! Beeeeep! Beeeeep!"
The crowd had heard enough. They knew the song by heart, and they were not pleased. "Le BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Le BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
The audience of mad Parisians then began pelting the band with croissants. A croissant bounced off of Josie's head. Another croissant bounced off of Melody's sizable chest, and another smacked Valerie right in the face. After the Frenchmen ran out of pastries, they all held up their noses and marched right out of the auditorium. The band stopped playing, and everything went silent.
Melody reached down and picked up a croissant that had landed on her snare drum and took a bite out of it. "Mmmmmm! These sure are good crescent rolls!"
"Well, that was a disaster!" Valerie complained, throwing her tambourine down on the stage.
Slowly Josie exited her trance like stupor and realized that the audience had left. Quickly, her drug addled mind searched for the reason, and it became obvious to her in her own twisted logic. She then pointed her finger back and the curvaceous blonde sitting behind the drums. "This is all your fault, Melody!"
Melody turned her head to look behind her. Seeing no other Melody present, she turned back to Josie with a completely confused expression. "What, me?"
"Yes, you! It's your fault this concert was ruined!"
"But what about you and the drugs?"
Josie suddenly looked even more incensed. "How dare you talk bad about drugs!" She threw down her guitar, ran up and slapped Melody so hard in the face that she fell off her seat and knocked over most of her drum kit as she tumbled down off of the riser. "You bitch… I could... I could replace you with a potato!"
Melody, now with a dark bruise across her cheek, looked up from the floor at the drug fueled redhead with tears welling up in her eyes. "A potato?"
"A potato could play the drums better than you! You're the reason everyone left! This is my band! You're fired! I'm hiring a potato!"
"No, I don't want to be replaced by a potato!" Melody began sobbing pathetically. "Please don't!" she pleaded.
"Tough cookies, Melody! Maybe you should have thought about that before you ruined this band!" Josie then gave Melody a vicious kick to the kidney that sent her wringing in pain.
Valerie finally had enough and grabbed Josie's arm. "Stop, Josie! You're out of control!"
Josie turned back to Valerie with total and complete madness in her eyes. She tore her arm away and then slapped her other friend hard in the face. "Shut up, Val! Do you want to be replaced by a tomato?!"
"What?"
"I said do you want to be replaced by a tomato? I'll fucking do it, god damn it! Don't fucking test me!"
"Okay, okay." Valerie backed off, looking completely bewildered.
Josie immediately went back to Melody on the floor and stomped on her hard, causing her to cry out. Melody tried to crawl away, but it was no use. Josie would stomp on her even harder. "That's what you get, you worm! I am Josie and the Pussycats! How dare you defy me!" Josie then yanked Melody up by the collar of her pussycat outfit and gave her another hard slap across her already bruised face.
At that moment, Alexandra, still with her pet cat in her arms, re-entered the backstage area from the outside. Confused about the lack of music, she walked up on the stage and peaked through the curtains to the other side.
When she saw Josie slap the sobbing blonde yet again, rage fueled adrenalin surged through the dark haired woman's veins. She set Sebastian down on the floor. She then immediately charged through the curtains towards the redhead and landed a vicious right hook to Josie's face. Josie's nose broke and blood sprayed everywhere, painting the stage and Melody's drums in thousands of crimson dots.
Alexandra then kicked up with her kitten heel covered foot directly into Josie's gut. Josie bent over, grabbing her midsection in pain. That's when Alexandra spun around to face the other direction, put her right shoulder under Josie's chin, grabbed the back of Josie's neck and dropped down to the floor with Josie in tow. Alexandra performed a perfectly executed Stone Cold Stunner, and Josie's throat impacted Alexandra's shoulder at high velocity. The impact knocked the redheaded madwoman out cold. She then lay sprawled out on the floor unconscious.
Melody's eyes were closed as she kept sobbing. Alexandra then went to Melody and took her into her arms. When she felt Alexandra's touch, she immediately flinched, expecting more pain to be unleashed on her from the psychopathic girl next door. "Please, no more," she barely managed to squeak out. "I'm sorry, Josie. I'm sorry," she sniffled.
"Melody, it's me, Alexandra. Josie can't hurt you anymore. I knocked her the fuck out."
Reluctantly, Melody slowly opened her eyes to see the kind yet very concerned face of Alexandra looking down at her in her arms. "Alexandra?"
"Yes, it's me. I'm here for you," Alexandra said as she cupped Melody's purple bruised cheek in her hand. Melody then reluctantly turned to see Josie knocked out cold on the floor. She sighed in relief that her tormentor was now incapacitated.
"Come on, Melody. I'm taking you to the hospital, and then you're taking the first flight home with me."
"Okay," the bruised and battered woman sniffled.
To Be Continued