A oneshot, with the topic pointed by Rockerduck. She gave me 4 nouns to go around: BRAGGING, MOUNTAIN, BLESSING and TRUMPERY. And so the story was born...
I was hugely inspired by Milo Minderbinder form "Catch-22", while making this story.
"Wait, could you just please go through the whole story once again?"
Although it was Alandra who spoke, the question was obviously written on everyone's faces. Except for Elias and Marcus's.
"Again?" the merchant sounded surprised. "Didn't you get it the first time?"
"Yeah, it might be useful, for I understood nothing a minute ago" Kestral frowned. "Let me get this straight for you, Elias. You two were sent to buy the bottle of... what was it's name?" she turned to Alandra.
"Raefugis Hommit" the woman replied.
"Yeah, whatever. You were supposed to find a bargain and buy a sample, cuz we're short on cash and we can't buy the whole bunch of bottles. Alandra was then to analyse the mixture and remake it to cure the Settlers who had fallen on Ghost Plague. And not only do you bring us three carts full of that Rufus something, but you give us back all the money we gave you! How do you expect us to stop on a laconic explanation like 'it was easy'?!"
"Exactly my point" Hakim added. "Though I would put it in more polite way."
"Yeah, that's right" Thordal nodded. "Just spill the beans, you two!"
"Riiight" the merchant sounded reluctant. "Me and Marcus, we went to the Cloister by the Mountain, to get the cure. But imagine this, someone had been there first and bought every single sample of it! The monks said they don't have enough herbs to make more, but pointed out that some guy who bought it all was heading North. And so did we, hoping to catch him up. But as we stayed in the village of Truvin I just couldn't help going to their storehouse. There I spotted them."
"The carts with medicine?" Thordal asked.
"No, the most beautiful apples I've ever seen. And there was a bargain for them – so I bought a dozen crates before Marcus would stop me."
"So where are the apples now?" Kestral interrupted, but Marcus just raised his hand.
"Let him finish" he said. "This is epic."
"And so, with the apples we took off after the mysterious buyer. As we were getting close to him, we met a caravan, who had been raided by some bloodthirsty bandits. They were hungry, and offered us anything for food. Anything right? So we traded apples for the armours the merchants were having left, 'cos the bandits didn't need them. We then had 9 fine stainless steel full battle armours. For dozen crates of apples! We continued our journey, following the trail of the man, and we stopped in Randalfingen. It was a big mess. Their troops were dealing with some nasty rebellions, but apparently they lacked gear. So what did we do? We sold our armours for the highest price we could get. The rebellion was thanks to us stopped, and while in the city, we looked around for the Raefugis. But no such luck, I guess. We just bought a some trumpery on the down-town bazaar. And as we were leaving for our quest, the bishop gave us his blessing. And then... what did we do next?" Elias looked at Marcus, puzzled.
"You sold the blessing" the Knight replied slowly, looking at the celling.
"You did what?" Alandra shouted getting up from her chair.
"OK, I deserve to get scolded for this one. But we sold it to the ones that needed it most..."
"Yeah, the bandits" Marcus interrupted.
Kestral choked. Hakim hid his head in the hands and Thordal started laughing.
"That's right, the bandits" Elias nodded. "They attacked us on our way. They demanded all of our money, but we didn't even have any, 'cos all of our funds we would have we had spent of a cattle farm, where we bought the whole stock. Funny, huh? And so, the bandits found us leading the expedition with almost hundred cows there. They looked pretty surprised, but still demanded money. But the most random thing happened then. The cows attacked them! We just couldn't believe it! They gave up immediately, and the cows just stopped! We explained, that we were blessed by the bishop of Randalfingen. I don't suppose the bandits knew what a bishop was, so they just grew more scared. They promised to escort us to the next village if we give them the blessing. We... OK, I agreed, 'cos what does this blessing mean for them anyway?"
Alandra sighed. Elias just went on.
"The next place was village of Goruen. God himself doesn't know where it is. We sold all the cattle..."
"...though the villagers didn't want them..." Marcus added.
"...though the villagers didn't want them" Elias reaffirmed.
"So how did you sell it?" Hakim asked reluctantly.
"We just did" the merchant shrugged.
Kestral chuckled.
"And we got a lot of money for them!" Elias said, accusingly pointing a finger towards her.
"And so we sold the cattle..." Marcus said.
"And we went on, again full of money. We... what did we do then? Ah, yes, we caught up with the guy who had bought the medicine!"
A sigh of relief went through the room, as the knights expected this wicked tail to finish. Merry wishes they had. Elias grinned.
"But the guy didn't have the medicine!" he stroke a punchline.
"Heeeeere we go again" Kestral murmured.
"No, the merchant had sold the medicine to the city of Drove, a couple of days before. But he said, the the city didn't want it at all, so if we hurried, we might get the medicine before they sell it out to someone else... So we headed towards the city, with high hopes. The Ruler Lady, Miss Fophen, was delighted to meet us, and I can tell you, she was no kind of merchant! We gave her some of that tacky jewelery we had bought in Randalfingen, and she was all ours! Not only did she give us the three carts full of medicine, but also half of her stable horses, forty-nine boxes full of picled fish and apparently a crate full of some unspecified goods, looking like a mix of juggling balls and lemons... Look, I got one with me" Elias took out a curious thing.
Hakim almost started laughing.
"Oranges. You bought oranges in Westerlin."
"Yeah, what's so funny about it? And what are they anyway?" the merchant asked.
"They're fruits, but you hardy ever see them here! They are more popular in Janub, because they can grow there, unlike in the colder climate of the Westerlin Island. I've seen them once or twice in the Vestholm Storehouse, but they were sour and really expensive! Show me this one" he said, and Elias threw him the orange. "Top quality. How much do you have?"
"A whole crate. Thank goodness, you know how to deal with them!" the merchant sighed. "They're all yours, Hakim. I don't suppose I need them."
Hakim just shook his head slowly.
"You're a mad thinking genius, Elias" he smiled faintly.
"And I brought the medicine" he replied, smiling. "It's the point, where I start bragging, right?"
"Just a moment there" Alandra interrupted. "All is fine, except... what did you pay for the apples? The case of gold we gave you is still closed the way I did it, so I suppose you didn't even open it?"
Elias and Marcus looked at each other.
"Yeah, what did you pay for the apples?" Marcus asked.
"I seriously don't remember" the merchant answered, shaking his head. "Oh, wait... I had that tacky dagger I found in the castle one day. The imitation of ruby on the handle was just silly..."
"A dagger?" Kestral became interested. "With a red stone?"
"Yeah, what? Did you know who the owner was?" Elias looked at her, surprised.
"That. Was. My. Dagger!" she shouted. "And it was the real ruby there! You've just traded my priceless dagger for three carts full of some stupid medicine and a box full of...?"
"Oranges" Hakim reminded politely.
"...oranges!"
Elias started to retreat form his place and run to the door for his life, while Kestral chased him. Who would ever expect that this plump man could run so quickly?
"Sooo, who is gonna stop them?" Thordal asked bluntly. Everybody just looked at the celling. There were no people willing to commit a suicide among them.