A/N: This is my first time ever writing fan fiction, so it might not be as good as what you guys are used to reading, so please bare with me. I've had this idea in my head for a while, so I decided to put my own Niff twist on the song. I hope you like it! -AJ
Disclaimer: If I owned Glee, Niff would be canon, and the whole show would revolve around Klaine. *Sigh* But alas, I do not.
And now I'm all alone again, nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
"Bye, Jeff! See you next week!" Nick Duval waved to his best friend from his car as he exited the Dalton parking lot. He was going to visit his family during the Spring Break that they had off from school.
Jeff Sterling waved feebly back from the sidewalk in the shade where he stood and whispered, "Bye, Nick. Have fun. I love you." If only you knew, Nick. If only…
Nick went back home as often as he was able to, and unknowingly to him, Jeff would always mope around lifelessly at school, feeling utterly alone and unwanted until Nick returned. Jeff stayed at the all-boys academy no matter what, except during the summer when he stayed at his aunt's.
Without a home, without a friend, without a face to say "hello" to.
To say that Jeff's situation at home was "terrible" would be the understatement of the century; his parents absolutely did not accept of his sexuality and wanted nothing to do with him if they could help it, never mind that he was their only son. They were only more than willing to ship him off to a fancy boarding school because it meant that Jeff would not be around. Out of sight, out of mind.
Also, violence from his father's part was the reason Jeff never went to his house unless he had an extremely good reason to do so. Otherwise, he avoided it as if he would the plague. There were only so many excuses one could come up with to explain away questionable bruises he was always left with to his peers at school.
Nobody, not a single soul save for his aunt, knew about this, and he wasn't planning on telling, either. Anything was better than having to be at that hell-hole.
As for Dalton, it was great. It was more than great: it was the place that Jeff called home. More importantly, it was where Nick was as well. But during his absences, Jeff was lonely. He just wasn't as close to the other boys as he was with Nick. They were Agents 3 and 6: partners in crime and best friends for life.
And now the night is near, now I can make believe he's here.
Sometimes I walk alone at night while everybody else is sleeping.
Jeff slipped easily out of his dorm room and tiptoed down the stairs until he reached the large oak door that was the side exit of Dalton. The huge wooden door thankfully made not a sound as he stepped outside exposed the moonlight.
It was 1 o'clock in the morning, but Jeff was wide awake. This was an almost nightly occurrence; he'd become nothing short of an insomniac beginning in freshman year, when he first realized how he felt about Nick. Unrequited love had quite had effect on his sleeping habits, but instead of lying awake on his bed, Jeff preferred to sneak outside and stroll along the grounds and courtyard to spend the hours thinking and daydreaming. It was his escape from the bitter reality.
I think of him and I'm happy with the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed, and I can live inside my head.
Of course, all of his daydreams revolved around one Nicholas Duval. In his numerous fantasies, Nick and Jeff were always together. Nick would tell Jeff that he loved him, and the taller boy would be thrilled that his feelings were finally being returned after so long.
His imagination had the uncanny ability to invent the most wondrous and vivid daydreams, which later on haunted him when he remembered that real life was, as his luck would have it, completely different.
On my own, pretending he's beside me, all alone, I walk with him till morning.
Without him, I feel his arms around me, and when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me.
Jeff only ever admitted it to himself, but yes, he pretended that the brunet accompanied him on his nocturnal walks. Thanks to his insomnia, he continuously stayed out until the sun was barely beginning to rise, and only then would he go back to his room as not to make his roommate suspicious of his whereabouts.
If he was ever to be caught so late after curfew, he would be in serious trouble. Of course, there had been plenty of close calls, but Jeff always got lucky.
He closed his hazel eyes and recalled the feeling of Nick hugging him, the way his lean arms wrapped around the blond's body. That was a torturous aspect of their friendship: because they were so close, they'd always been very touchy feely with each other, hugging, even holding hands occasionally, and for Jeff, it had been very a painful to deal with since the 9th grade. It was blissful agony, if that even made any sense. It did to him, at least.
He knew perfectly well that Nick's various touches and such were all friendly and innocent, nothing more. Such as his goodbye hug only earlier; Jeff noticed that it had been slightly longer and a bit more intimate than usual, but he decided that his irrational, lovesick mind was making it all up and refused to read any more into it.
In the rain, the pavement shines like silver; all the lights are misty in the river.
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight, and all I see is him and me forever and forever.
Due to the fact that it was mid-March, it drizzled ever so slightly. Jeff didn't care at all. The rain picked up, not enough to get him soaking, but instead made the scenery around him oddly beautiful.
In one of Jeff's favorite fantasies, he and Nick were lying in the emerald grass with their hands intertwined, gazing up at the twinkling stars and whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears as they exchanged soft kisses. It was incredibly romantic the way things always played out perfectly in Jeff's dreams.
And I know, it's only in my mind, that I'm talking to myself and not to him.
Yes, Jeff talked to the imaginary Nick by his side. They'd often had full conversations, and the topic was always about the same thing: their love. Jeff was sure that his brain had finally gone completely crazy for doing so, but he still did it, regardless of what anybody would think. He just needed to get his feelings and emotions out, and if talking to himself like a lunatic who belonged in a strait jacket was the only way to achieve that, so be it. In those moments, he was too far gone and wrapped up in his own little world to bring himself care very much.
And although I know that he is blind, still I say there's a way for us.
Even if Nick wasn't completely oblivious to the way Jeff behaved while around him, (all of the blushing and getting flustered, the stumbling over his words, zoning out because he was too busy studying Nick's flawless face) there still remained the problem that Nick was not gay.
If chasing girls was a sport in the summer Olympics, Nick would win the gold. Every time there was someone new, Jeff felt as if an acid-coated dagger was plunged into his heart and twisted repeatedly. It hurt so much because it was just a constant reminder that Nick did not play for his team.
Even so, Jeff's stubborn and infatuated mind reasoned that based on the fact that Nick never actually stated aloud that he was straight, that was reason enough to keep holding on to that miniscule sliver of hope that he might be bi, and therefore Jeff could actually stand at having a chance with him.
I love him, but when the night is over, he is gone.
The river's just a river.
Jeff loved Nick. There was no doubt in his mind about that, and the fact that he didn't give up on Nick during the past three long years was further proof that it was more than just a silly crush. He knew that he was irrefutably, madly in love with him. But that all meant nothing once morning came and he had to put up with yet another day of not having that love returned in the way he yearned for. Nick loved Jeff, just not in any other way than a "just really great friends" type of love.
Whenever the sun's first few shining, golden rays peeked out from the horizon and indicated the start of a brand new day, the imaginary Nick vanished for the night and Jeff always took that as his cue to head on back inside before it was too late. Everything was back to the way it was, much to his dismay.
Without him, the world around me changes.
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers.
The atmosphere truly did change whenever Nick was not around Jeff, whether it be the real or fictional Nick. Imaginary Nick was just a brief substitute, of course, but the extended absences of the actual Nick never failed to get Jeff down as well. It felt as if his other half was missing, and it was almost more than Jeff could stand. Nick completed him. Jeff simply wasn't the same person without Nick by his side.
He tried to act normal, though, and pretend that the world was sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. The charade worked most of the time; everybody from the teachers to other Warblers bought it, but on especially hard days, there were cracks in the mask that he made himself wear the hide his pain from everybody.
I love him, but everyday I'm learning.
All my life, I've only been pretending.
It didn't matter how long he's succeeded so far in fooling everybody with his act; Jeff knew that there would come a day where the curtain would finally fall, and he would completely break down. No matter how much effort he put into his pretence, he's inevitably explode. He knew that, and that knowledge only made it harder to keep going on. He would crack. When that would happen, he did not know, but he was only human; there was only so much he could take.
He was aware that confessing his love to Nick would do nothing but damage their friendship, and that was the last thing that he ever wanted to happen. Nick could never find out the truth. He couldn't lose Nick, and he resolved that he wouldn't, no matter how much it hurt. Maybe he was pathetic to keep coming outside to talk to somebody who wasn't even there, or to keep insisting to whatever part of his mind that he had left that there was still a chance for him. Maybe it was, but he didn't know what else to do in this situation.
Without me, his world will go on turning, a world that's full of happiness that I have never known.
The painful reality of the whole situation was that Nick would someday meet a girl and they'd get married, leaving Jeff all alone and completely heartbroken. Nick didn't need him, not in that way. In the way that Jeff hoped and desperately yearned for. They would grow up and settle down, but not with each other.
Nick's life was great: he had a family that loved him and lots of friends, all of them which made him happy. It had always been like that, and Jeff envied him because that was something that he himself had never experienced. He wasn't trying to be a pessimist, but those thoughts just returned to his head time after time.
I love him, I love him, I love him, but only on my own.
Jeff loved Nick. He was positive of that, more than anything else in his life. But even with that shred of hope that was left, time was really taking its toll on both Jeff's physical health and his heart. He was amazed that he had lasted this long without breaking down for over three years. Perhaps it was that it was Nick specifically that his love was directed at, and the mere thought of losing him made Jeff hold on a little bit longer every day. It was what kept him the slightest bit sane and at the same time, drove him even more senseless. Unfortunately, his devotion was one-sided, and there was not a thing he could do about it. Jeff would always love Nick, but would be on his own in doing so.
A/N: I'm contemplating on whether I should write the aftermath of this story and turn it into a two-shot, but I'll let you guys decide. Reviews would be greatly appreciated, especially constrictive criticism; it's the only way I'll ever improve as an author.