A Change in Weather
It was still summer when you left. Everything was warm, joyful. The days were longer, but that just meant more time to shiver in your frigid absence. The bright golden streaks of light, against the immaculate sky, mocked my every minute and all I could think of was of how little you must have cared.
When you made my tea, when you served me sweets, when we walked in the garden to see the roses you planted for me... Now the white and black buds have withered, mirroring myself.
I recall now the smallest moments and a bittersweet agony chokes me with tears. Do you remember when we sneaked into Venturious´s mascarade ball? We danced together the winner´s waltz. There I was no lady and you were no butler, we were just lovers in disguise.
Perhaps we were only lovers in my mind. I can´t help but to hope that you did feel for me the slightest sympathy. How could you not? When I met you we swore on ink and blood that as long as the sun rose east and set west, as long as the death of winter brought spring back to live, as long as our hearts, my heart, beated we would be together. I shall never leave your side, I shall always serve your deed, but in return I only ask for you to never run away from me. Those were your words and they still haunt me to this day. It was my life that went to waste. What am I now but a young damned spinster? Longing for him who never can I have, dreading what will happen to my when my days come to their end.
Were you not happy with me? Was I not good to you?
The summer breeze felt like your own hand striking my face, and so it went by... Humiliating me, it´s being.
Then came autumn and with the fading and dying leaves my hopes for your return decayed... rotting away into nothing as the rains washed them away. I cried rivers and lakes, the salty streams going straight to my pride. Salt in the still tender wound morphed my love to hatred. And what a bitter hatred it was, for it was never truly directed to you but to myself; I hated not being able to hate you. You who ascended from hell to show me heaven, you who gave me a taste of eternity and when I could not be any higher, dropped me and did not even stay to watch as I crumbled away.
I gave you my soul in exchange for your services, you shattered my enemies, you comforted me at night, I fed you and adored you... You were a demon after all. You seduced me into your mirage of bogus feelings, and I paid a much higher price than I thought I would have to. My soul I gave willingly, but my heart you took, ripping it out of my chest as you left. My life, escaping through the hollow, turned our beautiful white roses the most bright red.
Crimson, vermilion and scarlet tainted the snow, it froze the rains of autumn and the salt it washed away; but no good did it do for the bite of the frost did not hurt any less. But I realized something when faced with a choice that had to be made. To mourn, to cry, to suffer and agonize or to simply release your last hold on me. If everything died in winter so would my pain and before it could come back again I would give myself to the flames. The flames I sought and embraced on my own accord by promising my eternity to a demon. I was ambitious for power, now I am ambitious for you.
Winter passed and chilled me to the core, it hardened everything in me, my tears, my pain, my boiling blood. It brought a numb relief to my wounded self, and for the first time since that horrible summer I was able to smile.
As it is meant to happen, death came back to life when spring blew it´s blessed breath, so I prepared. I cared for our roses and made sure they were well, I brewed some tea, as well. Cherry rose parade for me and Monk´s prayer for you. I remember you once told me it was your favorite, sweet and toasty, but a little dry as well; silly me be bought all the boxes I could get my hands on, now they gather dust in the pantry. Not only did I do all that but I made some cake too, rich fudge gateau to have with our tea. I set the table, plates, cups and cutlery... not one thing did I miss, I did it as you would have.
Spring sprinted past the garden and before I could catch it summer arrived. The time I had been dreading throughout autumn, the time I had expected since winter, the time when I would have you return and release me from your curse. I walked down the garden and caressed the flowers, only did I stop to take a seat under the tree. There was our table, perfectly set with tea; I filled your cup and then did so with mine. I stared long and calm at the rosy water that seated in front of me. The morning stretched into noon, and noon moved to dawn and I only looked at my tea wondering if it was right. Was it right to have you come back? Was it right to let go of my life? Was it right to be as exited and thrilled, even knowing what would come? I did not know back then, I certainly don´t know it now. I took out the small bag were I kept what I had my maids get for me. I know you hated lies, yet you lied to me. I lied to them too, I told them I had to kill some rats, I told them to get me arsenic from the drugstore. I took the little spoon and rather than sugar I loaded my tea with it, stirring absentmindedly as I thought of you. I lifted the cup to my lips and smiled, lifting my eyes from the key to my happiness and setting them on you.
Just as I remembered you, there you stood. A bouquet of white roses in your hand, at least they used to be white, but the blood seeped onto their petals from the gashes the thorns made on your hands. Your eyes looked incredibly sad, other than that you seemed the same. I smiled widely at you, glad to see you again.
-Don´t do this...- I heard your plea, but I did not reply. My resolve was steadier than the pain in your eyes. - I left to save you, I left because for you, don´t shatter what I managed through my painful efforts. My lady, please...
Silent tears streamed down your face, but other than that you looked the same.
-What about my pain?- I asked, softly. Smiling at you. -How do you know my pain is not worse?
You frowned and took a step towards me. Or at least I only saw you take one, because you appeared right next to me, your hand on mine.
-Either way you would have been in pain. My lady, you don´t know what it is like...- your hand reached for the teacup that held my release, lowering it from my lips. -My only wish was to spare you from the worse suffering. You don´t know… There is a reason even demons escape from hell.
Your voice seemed so steady; it almost made me falter but in the end it shook. For once the mask of cold marble fell away. It was beautiful. It was beautiful to think that you did love me, that you did care, but it was too late now.
The pentagram of our contract burned against my chest, the skin felt as if it were blistering and charring under it. I took your hand and slid your glove off, the very same symbol that rested between my breasts was engraved on the back of it. My cold fingers traced it with longing, and you shivered. I remembered then what you said to me once in my chamber in the dead of night. When our skin meets, I feel it. I feel heaven, and hell, and sin, and good... Your bare touch is a drug to me, Louise.
I remembered how your hands felt wandering over my body, exploring, discovering places and sensations I would have never found on my own. My hand came up and caressed your face; with my fingers I pushed back some hair that had fallen over your eyes. Your beautiful eyes. Those eyes that were the color of caramel, emerald and sapphire; those eyes that turned the color of blood with lust and desire. You were a demon after all.
I remembered being coy, being shy, wanting to restrain until marriage. But you tempted me. I am a demon. I take pride in sin, I shall worship you in the bedchamber. But only if it pleases you, my lady.
My hand traveled down the side of your face and you gasped, exhaling harshly. Your eyes burned with an emotion I could not really point. One of your hands traveled to your own collar and unbuttoned it; you loosened your tie, and popped the buttons open one by one. You took my hand in your grasp and gently and dragged it down to your chest. I dug my fingernails on your skin, barely breaking through it, leaving bright pinkish welts on your pale skin; a little blood seeping out of them. Your body shivered again, a deep groan rumbling deep within your chest. Your eyes smoldered, yet despite the desire my resolve did not yield.
-Do you feel it?- you asked as my hand stopped right over your heart, somehow the constant beat seemed to sing a litany of sorrow. -It beats for you. I need you to break it, I want you to break the contract. If you do I will stay. I will be here for as long as you live, I will never leave again. Allow me, I just need to save your soul from myself.
Your words were full of urgency, desperate, longing... You said all I ever wanted to hear, but it was too late. I did not want you to stay, not if I lived, not if I died; I did not want my soul to be saved, I wanted it to be cursed. To be cursed for eternity in the hell within your body, never to part from your side. Your words brought me back to reality, all I could do was smile.
The hand were I held my teacup, the one that did not rest on your chest, lowered the poisoned beverage and you smiled relieved.
-Yes, my lady, yes. Come on now, dove, pet, please. Let us break the contract and be done with this curse.
I smiled and unlaced the laces on the neck of my dress, I too popped the first few buttons and exposed my bustier and breasts under the thin camisole I wore underneath.You eyes flashed with a hunger that had nothing to do with my soul, and I could not help but to blush.
-I want you in all the ways I can have you, Loiuse, just not like this. Having your soul within me... knowing you are suffering and not being able to free you... I don´t want that. Not for you.
I brought your hand to my chest and our pentagrams lined. The heat increased and I swore my skin would melt off. You pressed your hand firmly and gently over my breasts, my eyes teared up. Oh, how much had I missed you.
-Now say the words, my lady. Say them and free us form this cursed fate.
I knew them. I knew the words you wanted me to say. The very same words I spoke to sign the contract. But that is not what I wanted. I did not want to let go. Both my hands covered yours and I squeezed softly.
-Sebastian Michaelis, you have served me well.- instantly your eyes widened with terror, but the power of the pentagram kept you from pulling away. You tried to speak, I saw you. But you chocked on the words. The words I spoke declared the contract fulfilled, not broken. -You have served my deed, you have never leaved my side...
-No! No, no!- you said with anguish -I did. I left your side, I did not fulfill the contract. Please...
-You never truly left, did you?- I asked with the sweetest smile I could form. I never wanted you to suffer for me. I continued the seal, your pleas and tears empty to my deaf ears. -In return, never have I ran from you. My enemies were slain, my rage appeased. You did what you had to and now you are free to take my soul.
Tears streamed out of your eyes. Never had I seen you show as much emotion as that day. Never had I seen tears tainting your beauty. You were an angel, my angel, on black clad. Your voice broke as you managed to whisper no through strangled sobs, over and over again. Your pentagram turned to ashes and was swept away by a cold breeze.
-You are free, Sebastian.- I said caressing your cheek, wiping away your tears with glee.
-But you are not...- your voice void of hope.
-Oh, but I am- I giggled softly - I am as free as I could possibly ever want. What comes after my death shall never be uncertain. I know that whatever happens, I will rest in you.
Your features twisted in agony, and I felt your lips on mine. It was the sweetest kiss I had ever received, sweet and bitter with poison. The last of your tears fell into my eyes and spilled out as my own.
-I love you.- your voice spilled in my ears, just before I left my body. A smile formed on my lips, darkness engulfed me and flames engulfed me. Deliciously painful, just like our love.