Well hello there. I see you've stumbled across my failish attempt of a drabble series.
Ahem. Anyway, this is my second AA fic. Ever. And my first attempt writing most of the characters. So please be kind in your reviews 3
This was written for the iPod Shuffle challenge-put your iPod on shuffle mode, and write a drabble based on the song. Now, I have some incredibly weird songs on my iPod, so half of them will be turned down. Seriously, I have those internet-meme remixes like This is Sparta and Ninja Info Cards. Which reminds me of Phoenix's epic line in the third game, and the Jammin' Ninja. Maybe I'll do those someday, if they play? XD
So. I might post a few songs I turned down that could have worked every chapter, and if you have an idea, include it in your review. Because you will leave one if you know what's good for you :D Of course, I'd give you credit if I used your idea.
These drabbles will range from pretty much everything, with a fair share of crack in them (because, like I said, my songs are weird).
SONGS I TURNED DOWN
Somebody I Used to Know - Gotye: I know, it's an easy one, but I really can't be bothered writing angst right now, so maybe I'll do that one later.
Umbrella / Singing in the Rain - Glee Cast (originally Rihanna and some other person): There's promotional art for Investigations featuring Edgey and Gummy standing under an umbrella together, but then Singing in the Rain comes in and doesn't really fit with the mood. Maybe later.
Ultimate Showdown - Lemon Demon: Could actually work, for a crack fic. But…..not really in the mood.
Romeo and Cinderella - Vocaloid: I FREAKING LOVE THIS SONG AND WILL USE IT SOMEDAY WHEN I GET AN IDEA.
Give Your Heart a Break - Demi Lovato: There's bound to be a good fic hidden in those lyrics, but I can't think of one right now.
You Are a Pirate - Lazytown: I would love to do this one. Honestly.
In the End - Linkin Park: When I'm more creative.
ABOUT THIS CHAPTER
The song is Hurt Feelings by Flight of the Concords. Oh, yes. This will be fun. /evilcackle
At first I wasn't going to do this, but for some reason, Matt Engarde just popped into my head. Then De Killer did, and….well. This is the result.
Contains spoilers for the first and second games. Oh, and probably the third game.
Extremely crackish.
Takes place in case four of JFA, Farewell My Turnabout, one of the times De Killer contacts Nick via transceiver.
DISCLAIMER
I do not own the song Hurt Feelings, nor do I own Ace Attorney.
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HURT FEELINGS
The ominous ringing of the transceiver seemed to go on forever before Phoenix gathered the courage to bring it to his ear. When was the last time he'd been able to relax, to not have to worry about Maya's situation? Holding his breath, he waited anxiously for De Killer's voice to sound from the tiny machine. Beside him, Pearl bit her nails, tears quickly welling in her eyes.
"This is Mr Wright, the attorney!" Phoenix said immediately, hearing De Killer's heavy breathing on the other end of the line.
"Mr Attorney," the assassin said wryly, "you're not answering a phone."
"How is she?!" Phoenix demanded, practically yelling into the transceiver. His knuckles were white from gripping onto the phone, and his teeth were clenched so hard that it was beginning to hurt. This man will pay someday…
"I assume you mean the Fey woman?" De Killer asked, a deceptively innocent tone sneaking it's way into his voice. "She is in slightly worse condition, but her life is not being threatened. I am an honorable man, Mr Attorney, and I always stick to my end of the bargain."
Phoenix could hardly believe what he was hearing. "Honourable?" he asked disbelievingly, bewilderment creeping into his voice. "You call being an assassin 'honourable'? You kill people as a job! You sicken me! As soon as I find you, I will make absolutely sure that you go to prison for the rest of your pathetic, miserable life! Believe me, Mr Assassin," he snarled, his voice taking on a mocking tine, "you are in no way 'honourable'. In fact, you are the worst kind of person. You have a terrible attitude to life, you're a coward for not showing your face; instead you're speaking to me through a freaking transceiver! I mean, you can't get any lower than that, De Killer. You are a waste of human space and someday you'll get what you sorely deserve, which is the death penalty!"
An ominous silence quickly fell upon the room, stopping even Pearl's incoherent sobs. Phoenix's face displayed a smug look he usually reserved for the courtroom, but it gradually lapsed into a my God what have I done did I really just do that face. What would De Killer do now?
"Mr Attorney." De Killer's voice was flat and strangely eerie. The lull before the storm, as they always say….Phoenix thought in despair.
"….Yes?" he squeaked awkwardly in return, fearing the worst.
"….You have hurt my feelings."
"…..I did what?"
Some people say that rappers don't have feelings
We have feelings (we have feelings)
Some people say that we are not rappers
We're rappers
That hurts our feelings
Hurts our feelings when you say we're not rappers
"Honestly, Mr Attorney, did you really think assassins are so different from normal, everyday people?" De Killer sounded faintly amused, despite his (apparently) wounded ego.
"…..Kind of," Phoenix replied sheepishly, scratching his head. What was De Killer going on about this time?
Some people say that rappers are invincible
We're vincible (we're vincible)
"Assassins are just like everyone else," De Killer explained. "Our job is to put our emotions on hold for our client, yes, but we aren't robots. Words still hurt us."
"…..Oh really?" Phoenix asked, trying to keep the conversation going. If De Killer got depressed enough, he might be more lenient on Maya. And on me, if all goes well, Phoenix gulped.
"Yes, really. For instance, once-"
"Wait, you're going to tell me a story? A true one?" Phoenix frowned. This was certainly new. When did Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney become Phoenix Wright, Ace Therapist?
What you are about to hear are true stories
Real experiences
Autobiographical raps
Things that happened to us, all true
"A true story," De Killer clarified. "I would never do something as despicable as lie to you, Mr Attorney," he added, his voice dripping in (probably fake) sincerity.
Says the guy who works as a professional assassin, Phoenix snarked in his head.
Bring the rhyme!
I make a meal for my friends, try to make it delicious
Try to keep it nutritious, create wonderful dishes
"One day, I was cooking a meal for some friends of mine," De Killer began, clearing his throat quietly.
"You have friends?" Phoenix asked, then mentally kicked himself. Not a good move if he wanted to keep Maya alive under the care of a professional assassin.
"…..Yes," the assassin replied after a while, 'I do indeed have friends. Redd White, Manfred von Karma, Richard Wellington…"
Phoenix frowned. Weren't those all people he'd gotten guilty for murder?
De Killer seemed to read his mind. "You gave each of them a guilty verdict," he supplied.
Phoenix bit his lip. So the guy has a natural aversion toward me anyway. I'm a dead man.
"Anyway, I seem to have gone off on a tangent," the assassin collected himself. "I tried my best to make this said meal perfect. One of those friends is particularly picky with his food."
I think I know who, too…Phoenix nodded.
Not one of them thinks about the way I feel
Nobody compliments the meal
"I tried my best to make that meal, and what do they do?" De Killer huffed.
"….What?"
"They did not say thank you."
OH THE HORROR, Phoenix thought sarcastically.
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings
I feel like a prized asshole, no one even mentions my casserole
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings
You could've said something nice about my profiteroles
"It was not a nice experience for me, being ignored like that," De Killer said mildly. Phoenix imagined him twirling a kunai knife on his finger idly, chopping a meandering fly in half without a second thought.
"That's not a nice thing to do at all!" Pearl huffed, clutching her fist in anger. "Even if Mr De Killer is an assassin, he put his heart and soul into that meal and his friends just ignored him! I always say please and thank you when I'm visiting a friend's house!"
"…Tell me, young child. What is your name?" De Killer asked hesitantly, as if he was pondering something.
"….Pearl. Pearl Fey," she replied uncertainly, biting her nails again. Phoenix cringed. And now I have to protect Pearl from this guy too?
"…Tell me, Pearl. Do you have a Facebook?" De Killer asked with the same tone of voice; inquiring, but not giving anything away.
Don't tell me he has a Facebook page AND a website, Phoenix thought in disbelief.
"Mr Nick…? What's a face book?" Pearl asked.
"Don't even think about it," Phoenix told her quickly. "She doesn't, De Killer."
"That is….unfortunate," the assassin replied.
"Indeed," rushed Phoenix. "De Killer….with all due respect, I don't think I can get a verdict in one day-''
"I was not finished telling my story, Mr Attorney," De Killer said icily.
"Oh, you weren't finished? Keep going!" Phoenix replied jovially, heart thudding in his chest.
"….Thank you."
Here's a little story to bring a tear to your eye
I was shopping for a wetsuit to scuba dive
"A few years ago now, I was interested in purchasing a wetsuit to scuba dive in," De Killer started.
"You scuba dive?" Phoenix couldn't stop himself from snickering; even though he didn't know what the assassin looked like, the mental image of an assassin floating blissfully underwater was too funny too ignore.
'Was that a snicker I heard being stifled, Mr Attorney?" De Killer asked in the same icy tone he'd used earlier.
"No! Nonononono, keep going! I'm all ears!" Phoenix cried, clutching at the transceiver.
"….Good," the assassin replied pleasantly.
But every suit I tried is too big around the thighs
And the assistant suggested I try a ladies' size"I am a small man, Mr Attorney. Tall, but slim, and by no means weak."
Phoenix hummed in response, tapping his foot impatiently. De Killer's stories were actually quite amusing.
"They asked me to try on a ladies' wetsuit."
At this, Phoenix howled with laughter, propping himself up on his desk to stop himself from toppling over. 'A ladies' wetsuit?" he shrieked, falling to the floor.
"…..I shall wait for you to regain your composure, Mr Attorney," the assassin remarked calmly.
"…..I'm fine," Phoenix replied, wiping away tears of laughter with the back of his hand.
"Rest assured, the man who asked me to try on a ladies' wetsuit got what he deserved."
Phoenix stopped laughing. Forever.
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings
I'm not gonna wear a ladies' wetsuit I'm a man
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings
Get me a small man's wetsuit pleaseIt's my birthday 2003, waiting' for a call from my family
"September 23rd, 2003. I was scheduled to eat out with my family that day." De Killer almost sounded like he didn't want to remember that fateful day. "Since I lived a ways out of town and did not possess a driver's license, they promised to pick me up."
They forgot about me
"They forgot about me."
Pearl's hand went up to her mouth in shock. "Poor Mr Assassin!" she cried. "Don't give up, Mr Killer! You'll find true love one day!"
What does true love have to do with all of this?! Phoenix thought incredulously.
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings
The day after my birthday is not my birthday, mum
"My mother called the day afterward apologising profusely, but…"
"…But?"
"The day after my birthday is not my birthday, Mr Attorney."
"Ah. Right."
I call my friends and say let's go into town
But they're all too busy to go into town
"One day, back when I was a young man in his prime, I called my friends on the telephone to see if they wanted to go out to town."
"What happened?" Phoenix actually thought he knew what was going to happen, but kept his mouth shut. He didn't want to push De Killer's buttons too hard.
So I go by myself, I go into town
Then I see all my friends they're all in town
"I saw them in town, the very instant I stepped off the public bus," De Killer replied matter-of-factly. "June 16th, 1989. The day five people were shot by an unidentified sniper, in fact."
"What a coincidence!" Pearl gasped.
Looks like Pearls here doesn't get what this guy's implying, Phoenix frowned.
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings
They're all lined up to watch that movie ' Maid in Manhattan'
"What were they doing there?" Phoenix asked, trying to keep his voice as interested as possible.
"Lined up outside the cinema ticket booth," De Killer answered sourly. "To watch some ridiculous movie."
Have you even been told that your ass is too big?
Have you ever been asked if your hair is a wig?
Have you ever been told you're mediocre in bed?
Have you ever been told you've got a weird shaped head?
"I always seem to get the rough end of the deal…" De Killer sighed, almost wistfully. "Tell me, Mr Attorney. Have you ever been asked if your hair is a wig?"
"That's a rhetorical question, right?"
"….Okay. Have you ever been told you're mediocre in bed?"
"As a matter of fact, yes. Ever heard of Dahlia Hawthorne?"
"I can't say I have, Mr Attorney."
"Check for her on Facebook sometime."
"Duly noted, Mr Attorney."
Has your family ever forgotten you and driven away?
Once again, they forgot about J
Were you ever called homo 'cause at school you took drama?
Have you ever been told that you look like a llama?
"I did a little research on your background, Mr Attorney, though I have never heard of a Dahlia Hawthorne. But I do know you once attended Ivy University. Were you ever called 'gay' because you studied art?"
"Uh…by some people, yeah."
"Mr Nick?" Pearl asked sweetly, hands clasped behind her back. "What does it mean to be 'gay'?"
"…"
…"
"De Killer….."
"You will find out someday, Pearl," De Killer promised her. Pearl seemed happy at this.
"I believe that is all I will tell today, Mr Attorney," the assassin finished, clearing his throat. "The terms of our bargain are still the same; get Mr Engarde an acquittal within one trial day, and I will release Maya Fey for you."
Phoenix nodded, his throat dry. "Before you hang up…." he whispered hoarsely.
De Killer replied hesitantly. "…Yes, Mr Attorney?"
Phoenix also hesitated before answering the assassin. 'I've never seen you in person, but…."
"…..Mr Attorney?"
"…I bet you look like a llama."
Before De Killer could splutter profanities at the defense lawyer and his temporary assistant, Phoenix hung up.
Tears of a rapper, tears of a rapper
I'm crying tears of a rapper, tears of a rapper….
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…Wow. Um. Wow. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Anyway xD If you thought that deserved a review, then please, review. Also, if you have any ideas I could use for the songs I mentioned above, it would be so helpful :D
Reff out. O3o
-Reff