Something To Hold On To
Disclaimer: Sadly, I own neither Saving Hope nor Daniel Gillies.
Pairing: Alex & Joel (Jalex)
Rating: T
Summary: Picks up right after "Aura" Alex discovers that her headaches mean something else.
Alex Reid sat in the hallway outside of Shahir Hamsa's office, with her husband by her side as they waited for the results of the MRI that she'd had three days ago. The MRI along with the barrage of other tests that left her nauseous, exhausted, and disoriented was supposed to reveal the reason for the painful migraines that she'd been having lately.
Alex had one hand wrapped around the arm of the chair that she was sitting in. And the other hand rested on Joel's thigh as if to reassure herself of his presence.
"It's going to be fine, Reid." Joel said softly, laying his hand over hers.
"I know." Alex whispered, exhaling and resting her head on Joel's shoulder.
"Then why is your hand shaking?" Joel asked kissing the top of her head.
I am literally an open book to this man.
He knows everything about me.
Before Alex could answer the door to Shahir's office opened and he invited them in with a too wide smile.
Alex got to her feet with Joel right beside her, his arm around her waist, "You ready?" He asked, his voice in her ear making her shiver with desire.
"Ready or not it's happening." Alex answered, taking a step forward.
"Yes ma'am it is." Joel replied falling into step beside her and following her into the office.
As they entered the office Shahir closed the door and looked at first Alex then Joel smiling too widely.
If we didn't know about Shahir's Aspergers Syndrome they would find it unsettling.
"I have the results of your MRI, Alex." Shahir said sitting down behind his desk.
"And?" Alex said, her voice shaking and then trailing off as she reached for Joel's hand.
"You have a small tumor that's pressing on your optic nerve. That's what causing your headaches and the problems with your vision."
Alex opened her mouth to speak but she couldn't find her voice so it was Joel who spoke up.
"But you can remove it, right?"
Shahir nodded eagerly, "Of course. It's fairly small and we found it early. But since it's so close to the optic nerve there's a risk of blindness… The tumor probably isn't cancerous and the risk of blindness is small…Almost nonexistent since I'll be doing the surgery."
Joel heard Alex's sharp intake of breath and squeezed her hand," Shahir…" Joel interrupted.
"What? I said the risk was small…"
"Shahir…" Joel interrupted again, as he watched the color drain from Alex's face. "Give us a second would you mate?"
Shahir nodded, "I can schedule the surgery for tomorrow. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight. See you tomorrow Alex."
Joel nodded, his eyes glued to Alex as Shahir left the office.
"Shahir really needs to work on his bedside manner." Joel said, flashing her one of his trademark grins.
Alex smiled for a moment and then her expression turned serious.
"I can't be a doctor if I'm blind." Alex whispered, looking at Joel her eyes wide and desperate. "What if this is the last time I'll ever be able to look at you? Or the kids? Oh God, Joel…I can't do this…"
"Alex love, I know you're scared. I'm scared too. But everything's going to be okay. Shahir was just informing us of the risks. You know he has to do that."
Alex nodded, resting her head on Joel's chest. "I know…It's just…"
"I know, Reid. I know." He replied, holding her until she stopped shaking.
"Promise you'll be in the OR with me during the surgery?" Alex asked, rising slowly to her feet."
"I promise, Doctor Reid." Joel said, as he stood up and followed her out of the office.
"Thank you, Doctor Goran. I love you."
"I love you too, Alex. Let's go home. You've got a big day tomorrow."
"Joel, what are we going to tell the kids? Theo is too young to understand. But Luke and Charlotte…"
Joel stopped the flow of her anxious words with a kiss as they walked together toward the elevators.
"We'll figure it out, Reid." Joel said as he pressed the elevator call button.
Later that afternoon, Alex had already started making dinner by the time Luke and Charlotte got home from school. Theo was happy in the playpen, while Alex set the table and Joel tossed a salad while they waited for the salmon to finish cooking. Alex took a deep breath as she heard the sound of the school bus in the driveway.
"Here we go," Alex said, taking a deep breath as she heard the familiar sounds of her son and daughter entering the house and slamming the front door behind them.
"We've got this, Reid." Joel said, giving her a quick kiss.
"Hey, don't slam the door guys. How was your day?" Joel asked, as first Luke then Charlotte entered the kitchen.
Six year old Luke shrugged his small shoulders and took off his backpack. "It was okay."
Joel ruffled his son's dark hair, "Why don't you and your sister go wash up and get ready for dinner? Mommy and I need to talk to you about something."
"Is it about why Mommy looks so sad, Daddy?" Charlotte asked as she headed toward the stairs.
Our daughter is so perceptive.
Just like her mother.
But it was Alex who replied, "I'm not sad, sweet pickle. And we'll talk about it when you come back downstairs."
By the time, the kids came back downstairs, Alex was plating the salmon and the chicken nuggets and macaroni & cheese for the kids.
Joel filled Alex's wineglass with the Churton Marlborough 2012.
The same wine he'd given her for her last birthday.
The same wine they drank the night they got back together for the last time.
"It's before midnight so I figured you could use this." He said, softly, brushing his lips against her neck before he sat down at the table.
"Thank you, Joel baby." She whispered, reaching for his hand.
"You're welcome, love." Joel answered, brushing a fallen strand of her dark hair away from her face.
Their daughter Charlotte had the same dark hair.
Looking at Charlotte was like looking at a miniature mirror image of Alex.
She'd stopped wearing her hair in a ponytail because of her headaches.
With any luck after tomorrow, those headaches would be gone.
To anyone else, Alex looked perfectly normal.
But Joel could see the pained expression on her face.
No matter how many times she insisted that she was fine.
"So what did you guys want to tell us?" Luke asked between mouthfuls of food.
Alex took another deep breath, "Well, little man, you know how I've been getting those headaches the past few weeks?"
Luke nodded, suddenly going very still.
"I'm having surgery tomorrow to make them stop."
"On your brain?" Luke whispered.
Alex nodded, "Yeah. Dr. Hamsa is going to take good care of me."
"Are you going to die, Mommy?" Charlotte said, her eyes widening and filling with tears.
Alex shook her head. But this time it was Joel who spoke, "Mommy's going to be just fine, angel. We don't want you guys to worry."
"Do you promise, Daddy?" Charlotte asked, reaching her small hand across the table to hold her father's.
"Yes Charlotte. I promise." Joel replied, taking his daughter's hand and reaching for Alex's hand with the other.
"We just need you guys to be especially good for the next few days because Mommy's going to need lots of rest to feel better. Malanda and Zack are going to be here when you get home from school tomorrow and they'll bring you to the hospital to see Mommy."
What followed was the quietest dinner ever in the Goran-Reid household.
The kids didn't argue or protest when they were told to do their homework, or take their baths. They went straight upstairs when it was time for bed. Even baby Theo went right to sleep.
"We should tell them you're having brain surgery more often." Joel joked as he lay beside Alex in their bed that night.
Alex chuckled, "Somehow I think that trick will only work once, Doctor Goran."
"Right you are, Doctor Reid." Joel replied, reaching to turn off the light.
Suddenly he felt Alex's hand on his wrist stopping him, "Leave it on. I want to look at you. Just in case it's for the last time…"
She tried to commit every last detail of his body to memory.
The tattoo on his back.
The mole behind his ear.
The color of his eyes.
Joel touched his fingers gently to her lips, stopping her words, "You're going to be fine."
Alex nodded, and Joel moved his fingers away from her lips, his gaze never leaving hers, "Will you do something for me?"
"Name it, Reid." He replied, running his hand through her long dark hair.
Just in case it's for the last time.
He pushed the thought away as quickly as it had come.
She was going to be fine.
She had to be.
Alex's voice pulled him from his thoughts, "Make love to me, Joel. Give me something to hold on to, please."
"Yes, ma'am." He whispered in her ear, "But this definitely won't be the last time we'll make love, Reid. I can promise you that. And you can always hold on to me. Do you hear me, Alex Reid?"
"But if I go blind…Joel, baby, I'm scared…" Her words trailed off and Joel tasted the salt of her tears as he kissed them away.
"I know, love. Try not to think about it." He whispered, even as he felt her body trembling beneath his touch.
"Do you think you can manage to distract me, Doctor Goran?" Alex asked, kissing the mole behind his ear.
"I do believe I can manage that Doctor Reid." Joel replied, just before he kissed her rendering her mute.
Alex was still tangled in Joel's arms and the light was still on when the alarm went off the next morning.
Alex groaned into consciousness while Joel reached to turn off the alarm.
"I'll get the kids up," Joel whispered, "You can have the first shower."
"Good. Because that's the only way I'm going to wake up without any coffee." Alex mumbled, drowsily.
"After surgery, there's a large latte with your name on it, Reid." Joel whispered, kissing her neck.
"You promise?" Alex asked, reluctantly untangling herself from Joel's embrace and slowly heading toward the shower.
"Yes ma'am. I'll see you downstairs in a few minutes."
By the time Alex got out of the shower, all three kids and Joel were already downstairs having breakfast.
Alex's gazed longingly at the coffeepot and then kissed each of the kids and made sure Luke and Charlotte's lunches were made.
The kids had just finished breakfast when the bus turned the corner onto the end of their street.
"Come on, you guys you gotta hustle. Or you'll miss the bus. I love you and I'll see you at the hospital later."
"Good luck with your surgery Mommy. I love you."
"Thank you, sweet pickle. I love you too," Alex replied, her eyes filling with tears as she watched Joel walk them to the bus.
By the time Joel came back from the bus stop Alex had already done the breakfast dishes and changed Theo.
"The kids are on the bus. You ready to go Reid?" Joel asked finishing what was left of his coffee in one gulp so it wouldn't tempt Alex.
"I left my bag upstairs." Alex said, as she dried her hands on the dishtowel next to the kitchen sink.
Joel nodded and disappeared up the stairs while Alex ducked into the downstairs bathroom.
Fifteen minutes later they were out the door. Baby Theo was asleep in the car seat and Joel was driving and holding onto Alex's shaking hand with his free hand.
"You're gonna be fine, Reid." Joel reassured her.
He was using the same calm authoritative voice that he always used it the OR.
She could believe almost anything he said when he used that voice.
Soon they pulled up in front of the hospital. They took Theo to daycare and then headed to admitting to get Alex prepped for surgery.
They saw Shahir in the hallway and he seemed way too excited about the prospect of operating on Alex's brain.
"Joel, I think I'm going to be sick. And why is it freezing in here?"
Joel squeezed her hand until she turned to look at him, "It's just nerves. Either that or it's those terrible gowns they force patients to wear. Breathe. You're gonna kick ass."
"How do you always know what to say to make me feel better?" Alex asked, leaning close enough to kiss him.
Joel shrugged and gave her one of his trademark grins, "Unraveling the mystery that is Alex Reid has always been my special talent."
As they approached the operating room doors, Joel stopped the cart. "I've gotta go scrub in." His voice was soft in her ear as he spoke, "I'll see you in there. Okay?"
Joel squeezed her hand one last time and was about to let go and walk toward the scrub room when Alex called out, "Joel, wait…"
It was the break in her voice that made him stop. He didn't have to look at her to know that she was crying.
"Once we're in there, you won't be able to kiss me or hold my hand." Alex whispered.
"I know, Alex. But I promise I'll be right there with you the whole time." Joel replied, squeezing her hand again and suddenly finding himself unable to let go.
"So kiss me now. Give me something to hold onto until this is over."
"Yes ma'am. I can definitely do that."
Those were the last words Joel spoke before he gave Alex a long passionate kiss that seemed to linger on her lips even after he pulled away.
"I love you. Hold on to that. Do you hear me, Alex Reid?"
Alex nodded and whispered, "I love you too, Joel."
Joel gave her another one of his trademark grins and a quick kiss on the forehead before he walked in the other direction shouting, "I'll see you on the other side, Reid."
Alex couldn't help but smile as her husband walked away.
She never got tired of watching Joel Goran walk away from her anymore.
Because she knew he would always come back to her.
By the time Joel scrubbed and entered the OR, Alex was already unconscious on the table.
He watched with an ache in his heart as Shahir meticulously shaved off his wife's gorgeous dark hair.
It took everything he had not to reach out and grab it as it fell in clumps into the open orange biohazard bag on the floor of the operating room.
It broke Joel's heart that Shahir was operating on his wife and there was nothing that he could do but watch.
Joel knew he was lucky to be in the operating room at all.
He knew the only reason he was there at all was because he was a doctor himself.
He had to look away when Shahir made the first cut.
He stood there for hours watching Alex's vitals on the monitors.
He watched as Shahir removed the tumor and had it sent to pathology with a rush on it.
He watched as Shahir cauterized all the bleeders and watched Alex's intracranial pressure like a hawk.
He watched as he closed and bandaged her. And when Joel left the operating room to scrub out and accompany Alex to recovery he felt just as exhausted as if he'd performed the surgery himself.
Alex was still unconscious when Shahir came into the room and told him that the tumor was benign and they'd gotten all of it.
Joel was still smiling when Alex woke up.
"Hey," He whispered, gently rubbing her hand that was free of the I.V.
"How're you feeling, Reid?"
"Joel?" Alex whispered, her voice scratchy from the intubation, her eyes suddenly wide and filling with tears.
"Talk to me, Alex. What is it? What's wrong? Are you in pain? Do you need something?"
Alex shook her head slowly, "Joel…my hair…" She whispered, the words dissolving into tears.
"Oh, Alex, love… Come here," Joel whispered, carefully crawling into the bed beside her. You look like a million bucks. And your hair will grow back.