Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Poppies and Butterflies
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Author's Note: Needed to get my mind off results day (A-levels, anyone?), so I did one of those things where you put your iPod on shuffle and write drabbles for the first ten songs that come up. Tracklist at the bottom. Hope you enjoy :)
Warnings: Swearing. If you're not comfortable with that, please don't continue.
I was too young, thinking things would stay the same forever
He only sees her once she's hit the ground.
"Oops." Ino and her gang giggle behind her. Neji sees her leg deliberately stretched out, and his mind pieces together the joke which must have sent this girl crashing to the ground.
"Sorry Neji, did she hit you? My bad. Watch where you're going next time, freak," she says to the girl, giving rise to more giggling.
Neji turns to look at the girl. She's on the ground, her knees in the gravel, scrabbling to pick up her things.
She flinches when his shadow falls across her.
"I'm sorry," she mumbles, eyes downcast. Her stationary is scattered. Her skirt is torn.
Neji moves to walk past.
But then, at that moment, she pushes back her hair and something catches his eye. Something like the silver butterfly dangling from her ear, perhaps, or the ring of poppies inked around her wrist. He'll never know.
After that moment, it doesn't matter.
He crouches down, and picks up a book she's reaching for. She freezes. He hands it to her.
"You should be more careful," he says. He doesn't realize she takes it as a threat until months later, when she tells him, whispers it laughingly into a star-spangled night wrapped tightly around them.
She gets slowly to her feet. She stands hunched, as if making herself smaller would make her invisible. Her eyes alight on him, just for a second, before she rips them away. Her cheeks flush a dull red. He thinks it might be shame. "I will."
He watches as she walks away.
If your pride just makes you tired, maybe you should throw it away
"So, Neji, everything you need should be on my desk, once you're done you can take everything down to the library, alright?" Miss Kurenai opens the classroom door and ushers him in.
"If he needs the room, do I have to go?"
Neji and Kurenai whip around.
To find a girl, sitting at a desk at the back.
That girl. Neji had never seen her until the day Ino shoved her into his path, and they haven't crossed paths since that day, over two weeks ago now.
"Oh, I'd almost forgotten about you," Kurenai says, looking mildly irritated. "Gai-sensei said you could only go after you'd finished all your worksheets. Don't mind her Neji, she's just doing detention. I have to go now, so why don't you get to work. You, finish your worksheets and don't bother Neji," she says sternly to the girl as she leaves.
Leaving him alone with the girl.
He looks over at her desk, and realises all the worksheets are finished and she's doodling on a spare sheet.
He clears his throat, and tries, "You're finished?"
She doesn't even deign to look up at him. "What's it look like?"
Okay, that's a little discouraging. But he tries again.
"Why don't you go home?"
"Don't want to."
There's a pause.
"Why are you here?"
She snorts. "Detention?"
"Ah." Neji gives up on making conversation.
For the next few minutes there's no sound but the scratch of their pens on paper.
Then, she says, "Ino hid my schoolbag in a storeroom. I turned up to Gai's class twenty minutes late without my books."
Neji frowns. "Why didn't you tell Gai what happened?"
"Didn't want to give her the satisfaction."
"You shouldn't just let it go."
"Oh yeah?" She snorts. "What should I do then?"
"Shove her in a storeroom, perhaps."
Across the room, he sees her look up at him, and he realises it's the first time she's ever looked into his eyes.
"What is it?"
She turns away again. "Nothing."
And, for the next ten minutes, she says nothing.
"Neji, right?" She asks suddenly.
"Yeah."
"You helped me with my stuff couple of weeks ago. After Ino…" she shrugs. "That was you, right?"
"Yeah," he says. "That was me."
"Right."
"What's your name?" He asks after a pause.
"Tenten. Tanaka Tenten."
"Tanaka." He frowns. "Last year's Head Boy. Are you-"
"His sister. Yeah." She says, her words clipped. "You liked him?"
Neji shrugs. "I voted for Uchiha Itachi."
She laughs suddenly, and even if the sound is a little bitter, he can't help feeling absurdly happy that he made her laugh. "Me too."
"It's a shame. Just one vote more and it would've been a draw."
"Apparently he didn't vote for himself. My brother did."
"You're kidding."
"No, I'm serious. But if anyone asks, you didn't hear it from me."
"I'd never tell," he promises.
He doesn't want to leave. But he's done here, and he has work waiting. He folds up his papers, slowly, trying to swallow his disappointment. "I'm finished here. I have to go to the library and take care of some other things."
"What kind of things?"
"Just paperwork. Prefect things. It's tedious but someone has to do it."
"Oh. Okay." She clears her throat. "See you then, I guess."
"See you."
He's almost out the door when he hears, "Neji."
He turns. "Yes?"
She says nothing for a few moments. He thinks maybe she hasn't heard him, but then, without looking up from the desk she speaks.
"I guess if you need…you know, help, or something." She shrugs. "I'm done with this stuff anyway."
He smiles. "That'd be great."
"Okay then." She slings her bag over her shoulder and kicks the chair back under the desk. "Let's go."
The more I see of your kindness the sadder I get
Ever since I've realised it's the warmth left by the tears you've shed
"I'm not crying."
"Okay."
"I'm not fucking…I'm not…I'm not…fuck!" Her fist hits the wall with a loud thud.
Neji doesn't say anything. She stands against the wall, her shoulders hunched, her back turned to Neji because she doesn't want, can't bear letting him see her like…like this. She doesn't even want him here, has no idea how he managed to find her after she ran out of the classroom after Ino…after…fuck.
"Just…just go away," she says, and immediately regrets it, because even she can hear the waver in her voice and the catch in her throat and she just, she just doesn't want him to see her like this why is he still here why are you still here? And then, fuck it, she doesn't give a fuck if he knows anymore because who is she kidding? "Neji, I said go away!"
Footsteps. Away from her.
And she should feel glad, she knows, but why did that just make everything wor-
Then she hears it.
The door. Being locked.
"I'm not going away."
Footsteps, again, but this time towards her.
"You can…scream at me, or hit me…I won't go away." She hears him stop, just a few steps away from the door. "Even if we just stand here like this for the next three hours. I'm not going away. I…don't know…what to say to comfort you, but…I know…the worst thing I could possibly do right now…is let you cry alone."
Silence.
Because she doesn't say anything, can't say anything for the new the onslaught of tears. Tears, not for herself this time, but for the boy behind her; for the boy who sees right through her lies, the boy who won't let her push him away; for the boy who must have cried alone too many times to let her cry alone.
She swallows. "I don't cry."
"Okay."
"I don't…I don't need you to cuddle me and tell me it'll be okay."
"Okay."
"And the only reason I'm letting you stay is…is because I can't be fucked to yell at you anymore, and…and I know you'd never listen to me anyway 'cause you're such a stubborn fuck, so…so this…this…doesn't mean anything." She takes a shuddering gasp. "It doesn't mean anything, you hear me!"
"I hear you."
"And stop that! Stop…agreeing with me like I'm some sort of retard! I-I know what the hell I'm saying, and I don't, I don't need you just…just…"
She breaks off, because she just doesn't have the heart anymore, because it's getting hard to breathe through the sobs, and she…she just…she just wishes…
"Neji…" Her voice is barely above a whisper, and at this point she doesn't know if she even wants him to hear. "I'm cold."
And then, it doesn't matter whether or not she wanted him to hear it, because he heard, and his arms are wrapping tightly around her and pulling her close to him and she's never, ever felt so...so cared about.
"I lied."
He's so close she can feel his breath on her ear. "About what?"
"I...I said I wanted you to go away." She closes her eyes. "I lied."
Neji's chin drops onto her shoulder. "I know."
He'd always known.
I wonder if sadness is something that will one day disappear
My sigh turned white for a moment and then disappeared
"If you want to go down there I'll go with you."
Tenten shakes her head. "Too noisy."
Neji nods.
Together they watch the people milling in the crowd below, greying men with plastic glasses of apple juice in their hands and middle-aged women with their perfectly manicured hands over the curves of the glossy red lips. Large groups of their classmates are down there too, and Tenten can make out each clique even from two floors up. They look like they're having fun.
She looks away.
She and Neji are sitting in an empty classroom. They've put a few desks up against the door since a few annoying kids burst in an hour ago. She's pushed the biggest desk, the teacher's desk, right up against the window and has perched herself on top of it. Neji, too uptight to sit on desks, frowned a little when she did that, and pulled a chair up for himself.
She knows he would disapprove if she stretched her legs out on top of the desk. She does it anyway.
"Tenten."
"Neji."
He sighs. "Fine."
And so her legs stay on the desk.
"Tsunade's going up to make a speech," Neji says after a while.
"Trying to squeeze more donations out of idiot parents, I'll bet." Tenten says disdainfully. "Probably preaching things about making 'the ideal environment for the education of the next generation'. My parents always fall for that shit."
"Your parents are idiots?"
"Yeah. Dumb idiots."
Neji smiles at that. "I would've thought that the kind of people who donated to schools were admirable."
"Yeah, they're fucking saints," Tenten says, bitterness seeping into her tone. "My brothers, they're fucking saints too. Two of them got voted Head Boy while they were here, the other one got into Konoha U's Economics programme on scholarship. Can you believe that? Konoha U on full scholarship. Fucking hell." She throws the pen she was playing with against the blackboard with more force than she intended, and it leaves a dent.
"Fuck. You didn't see that."
"I won't tell."
"It's just as well my parents donate. It's their kid that's breaking shit. Their fucked up kid." She barks out a laugh, but it doesn't sound like a laugh at all.
"You're not fucked up," Neji says.
Yeah well, not as bad as you, she thinks. But she doesn't say it.
Instead she only says "Thanks," sardonically.
They lapse into silence for a while.
"Tsunade still talking?"
"Yeah."
She snorts. "Almost feel sorry for those poor fuckers down there."
There's another pause.
"I think you should talk to your parents," Neji says suddenly. "About how you feel."
Tenten sighs. Lets her head back against the wall. "Wouldn't help."
"You never know."
"Is that what you did?" She says, to shut him up. "Talk about it?" As if. He's done no such thing and they both know it.
He doesn't say anything for a while.
Then, "I did. With you."
"Yeah," she scoffs. "And I sure helped you, didn't I? It's pointless Neji. Telling me didn't change anything. Talking…never changes anything."
"But I feel better," he says. "When I talk to you."
Tenten doesn't know what she's supposed to say to that.
In the ensuing pause, the school orchestra strikes up a tune, and their attention is drawn back down to the courtyard.
Tenten frowns. This song. The song her father used to blare when he let her dance on his feet in their crappy apartment back when they were still poor, her brother's hands gripping hers tightly as they spun round and round and round the room and the world was reduced to nothing but the warmth of his hands in her hands and the sound of their laughter. And this song. Her favourite song.
She's about to say this to Neji when he says, "Haven't heard this in a long time. You know, this used to be my favourite song."
The shock must show on her face because a moment later he looks at her and says, "What is it?"
"Nothing," she says. "It's just…it's a good song."
"My father used to sing it all the time. I pretended to hate it but I didn't really." He lets out a rueful laugh. "Stupid, isn't it?"
"Not really," she says.
She gets up, and sits on the chair opposite to Neji. He looks at her, surprised, but she continues looking through the window as if nothing had happened. After a moment, he follows suit.
The bridge now. Her father used to sing this part aloud, and they'd all stop shrieking to listen.
"I feel better too," she says, not meeting his eye. "When I talk to you."
In the corner of her vision, she sees Neji blink once in surprise. What she doesn't see is Neji's eyes softening, and his lips curving into a small smile.
Around them, the music swells to a bursting crescendo; but neither of them are really paying attention.
Today too, the only real thing is my loneliness
If I go see you now, I'll end up crying for sure
She's scared.
She is surrounded by classmates, yet she is alone. Individual conversations melt together in her ear and all she can hear is noise like bees buzzing round a hive, every one of them full of life and purpose but her. She feels like if she gets close enough for them to notice her presence they will immediately see her for what she is, different, not one of them, enemy perhaps, and she will be stung.
And she wonders if it'll always be like this, if she'll always be like this. If she'll always be alone on the sidelines with no way in, if she'll always be alone in a cage with no way out, and the thought is terrifying and it scares the shit out of her and she wants to scream scream scre-
"Tenten."
She jumps. Turns.
Neji. Standing next to her with two drinks in his hands and concern in his eyes, the only eyes looking at her in this swarm of people.
"Are you alright?"
Ah.
Suddenly all she wants to do is throw herself into his arms, dissolve against him and laugh and cry and make him promise to never, ever leave her.
She swallows. Straightens her back. "I'm fine."
He looks at her quizzically. "Are you sure? You seemed a little...upset."
"No, I'm fine." She takes the drink he's holding out to her and smiles up at him, at this boy who came up to her in a room full of people when he could have gone to anyone else, and asked her whether she was alright. "Really. I'm okay now."
For there has always been heartache and pain
When it's over you'll breathe again
"Do you ever think about it?"
He pretends not to know. "Think about what?"
She shrugs. "Killing yourself."
Neji swallows. He has to turn away from her prying gaze. He has every intention of being honest, he does, but letting her see his face while he tells her something so...something so intensely personal makes him afraid that she'll take more out of his response than he intends to give.
"I used to," he confesses.
Her voice is gentle. "Yeah?"
"Long time ago. When I was younger."
"Must've been rough."
"Yeah." He looks down. "What about you? Have you ever thought about it?"
She shrugs again. "Yeah, I guess. But, you know. Never that seriously."
"What do you mean?"
"Like, mainly I'd think about afterwards. People who knew me, what they'd think. Used to get some sick kick out of thinking they'd feel sorry for treating me the way they did after I'd died." She clears her throat. "Not proud of it, but yeah. I'd never really thought of it as an...escape, for myself, I guess."
"I've tried thinking about that a few times," he says softly. "Trying to count how many people would cry, or even care that I was gone."
"Yeah?"
He shrugs, and looks down at the ground again. "Was never able to come up with that many."
Understatement. What he'd really meant to say was, he'd never once been able to think of a single person who'd care that he was gone. Not one.
"You probably missed a lot of people."
He laughs bitterly. "I don't think so."
Hiashi wouldn't care. He'd probably be glad. Hanabi wouldn't even notice he was gone. Hinata...for all her sweet smiles and insistent, hand-clasping forgiveness, she probably secretly wishes he'd done it a long time ago.
"A lot of people care about you," Tenten's saying softly. "I know you don't see it but they do."
The words slip out before he can swallow them. "Any person who cares about me is one person too many."
Tenten's heart breaks a little. "That's not true."
He doesn't say anything. He doesn't have anything to say that she wants to hear.
Sometimes, he regrets telling her. Sometimes, he thinks, if he hadn't told her, they wouldn't be having conversations like this. He wouldn't be forced to think about that. And even just thinking of it now brings it all back, everything back, the touch of rain on his skin, the reflections in the puddles on the street, the nanny telling him wearily for the umpteenth time to leave Hinata alone, Hinata, the girl with both her parents still alive, the girl his father died for, the girl his life was ruined for -
- the slide of her coat on his fingers as he pushes her in spite out of his way, the screech of tyres, the scream and the sickening thud -
"I'd cry."
Neji blinks. The present comes rushing back. "What?"
And, before he knows what's happening, he finds himself swept into a hug. The gesture is so...so rare, so strange from a girl who shrinks away when their hands brush, he can barely believe it.
"Tenten?"
"If you were gone." He hears her take a breath, and when she speaks again, her voice shakes a little less. "If you killed yourself. I'd cry. So don't do it, okay?"
Neji is at a loss for words. "Tenten..."
"The past will never change Neji, I get it. But we can. We can change. I never wanted to try believing that until..." She bites her lip. "Until now. You have to believe it too, Neji, You have to try. We'll do it together. We'll do it together, okay? Together."
Together.
Neji closes his eyes. Wonders what he did to deserve this girl, what sudden strike of benevolence had overcome Fate the day she decided to send this girl crashing before him.
But that doesn't matter as much as the fact that she's here, and she knows everything, every heinous detail of his past, and she can still bring herself to hug him.
"Okay." He holds her tighter when he feels her relax. "Together."
I know what you're like
How you aren't good at putting things into words
"I'm only thinking of your future," he says as the maid removes his empty plate to serve the main course. "I've already spoken to my associate in Suna. He's agreed to allow you to spend two months during your summer holiday this year at his firm."
Neji wants to throw something at the wall. "Uncle, I appreciate your effort, but I would really rather stay in Konoha over summer."
Hiashi doesn't even deign to look at him. "Don't be a fool, Neji. An experience like this will be an excellent opportunity to learn what to expect from your employees when you take over our company."
'I never said I wanted to take over the company,' Neji wants to scream at him. 'And I never asked for your help.'
"Besides," Hiashi continues, and now, he affords Neji a glance above his steel-rimmed glasses. "A vacant room over the summer will allow Hinata's physiotherapist to make much better use of her time. As you know, the latest report from her doctor was...disappointing."
Silence falls in the room.
"F-Father," Hinata says from across the table, casting Neji an apologetic glance. Neji averts his eyes. "The doctor said it isn't serious, I just need to do a little more exercise. It's alright, Shizune can stay in one of the maid's rooms, can't she? It doesn't really ma-"
"Please don't worry, Hinata," Neji says. The scraping sound his chair makes as he stands echoes throughout the room. "I've made up my mind. I'll go to Suna. And your father's right, you'll need all the time you have to rehabilitate this summer." He turns to his uncle. "Excuse me, Uncle, but I have work to do."
He leaves.
Forty-five minutes later he is in his bedroom, staring at a blank page on his laptop, not really seeing it.
A sudden buzzing noise from his nightstand wrenches him unceremoniously back to reality. Frowning, he picks up his phone and glances at the screen.
Tenten
"Hello?"
"Hey." Tenten's voice wafts down the line through what he suspects is a mouthful of food. He hears something remarkably like gunshots in the background. "Dude, are you watching Gantz? They're showing it on TV right now and it's insane, some kid just got pummelled to death by this Lego monster thing. Seriously. It looked just like one of those Lego people but like huge and scary. And murderous. Creepiest thing ever."
"Sorry, I'm actually...a little busy right now."
"Yeah?" Suddenly the background noise across the line disappears. "What're you doing?"
"Just an essay." His brow furrows. "Sorry. I know I'm being boring. I'm just...tired."
"Tired, huh." There's a change in her tone he can't quite describe. "How was your day?"
He sighs, and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Nothing special. Just…another day at home."
"Right." She pauses. "Well. Guess I'll leave you to your essay then."
"I'll see you tomorrow."
"See you."
He hears the click as she hangs up. He sighs, and tosses his phone onto his bed.
He's only got another four hundred words on the page when he gets another call.
"Hello?"
"Hey Neji?" No background noise this time, but her voice is echoing. "Open your door."
"What? Why?"
"'cause I'm standing outside it."
He pauses. "Sorry, you're…what?"
"Standing outside your door."
"…are you serious?"
"Unless you keep sitting on your ass 'til building security finds me and kicks me out then, yeah, I'm serious."
"Oh, right – I'll…be right there."
"Thanks," she says dryly.
He manages to rush to the door without alerting any of his family members, still stunned, not really knowing what to expect when he opens to the door.
But she's really there. Standing outside his door, leaning against the wall in her leather jacket, arms crossed beneath the 'FUCK YOU' slogan on her shirt.
"Hey," she says, lifting her hand greeting.
He needs to hide her, now.
She smirks. "See you like the outfit."
He narrows his eyes at her. "You did this on purpose."
"Don't be ridiculous," she says, entirely unconvincingly. "Are you going to let me in or what?"
"Sorry – come in." He stands aside. As soon as she's through the door he closes it, takes her hand, and almost drags her to his room.
He locks his door after him, and rattles it a little just to make sure. God knows what Hiashi would do if he knew there was a girl in his room.
He hears a snort of laughter behind him.
"I take it your uncle's home?" She says when he finally turns away from the door.
"As if you didn't know," he says, exasperated.
"Sorry – couldn't resist."
He watches her with a kind of horrified fascination as she walks across his room and sits herself down on his bed. He still can't quite believe his eyes; Tenten, in his room, on his bed, his uncle only two rooms away. It feels surreal.
"You know, some people's entire apartments could fit in your room and there'd still be space left." She lays back on his bed, her legs dangling off the edge, staring up at the ceiling. "Not mine though. Hah."
When Neji doesn't say anything, she turns her head in his direction, eyebrow arched.
"What?"
Neji clears his throat. "Nothing. Nothing, I'm just wondering…what you're…doing here."
She grins. "Friends can't visit friends for no reason?"
"Not when the friend knows her friend's home is also home to his strict uncle and his loose-lipped counsins," Neji counters.
"Oh relax, Neji. This place is so huge it'd take an earthquake for him to bump into me."
"…as long as you keep your voice down," he relents. He moves away from the door and back to his desk.
"Yeah, no problem." Her eyes land on his laptop. "Is that your essay? Looks like you've got a long way to go."
"It's due on Friday."
"You blew off Gantz for an essay you've still got two days left to do? You suck."
"Some of us would rather finish our homework with time to spare, rather than pull an all-nighter the night before it's due." He stares at the screen for a few moments.
"Keep going," Tenten says, as if she's reading his mind. "Don't mind me. Your disgustingly empty wall will send me to sleep soon enough."
Neji spins around.
"You're sleeping over?"
"Yeah. And since I'm your guest, I get the bed." She's already pulling off her boots.
"You…have you told your parents?"
"My parents?" She scoffs. "What am I, five?"
Neji can only watch, dumbstruck, as she pulls off her jacket and crawls beneath his covers.
"Write your essay," she says, curling up into a lump. "Far be it from me to mess with your punctuality."
Neji blinks. Slowly, he turns back to his laptop, and, after a few seconds, starts typing.
Behind him, Tenten mutters about how hard his pillows are.
He's typing nonsense. But that's hardly his fault, he thinks. How's he supposed to think clearly when Tenten's in his bed right there behind him?
After nearly half an hour of totally useless work, he gives up. He shuts down his laptop, and spins his chair around.
Tenten's not asleep.
He'd thought she was. She hasn't said anything in over twenty minutes.
But she's lying there awake, her arms crossed behind her head, staring up at the ceiling. She must have seen him move out of the corner of her eye, because then she turns her head and flashes him a little smile.
"Done?"
"For today," he says, getting up and walking into the closet. He comes out soon after with a pile of pillows and a duvet.
"Okay, now I feel bad," Tenten says as she watches him lay everything out on the floor. "D'you want your bed back? I can sleep on the floor."
He shakes his head. "Don't worry about it. I don't mind."
"Well. If you say so."
As he lays out the duvet, Neji hears Tenten shuffle wordlessly closer to the side of the bed next to which he's going to sleep.
Later, when the lights are out and they're both laying there in the dark, Neji says, "You didn't come here for no reason."
There's a pause.
Then, "So tell me why I'm here."
Neji looks up at the ceiling. And suddenly he remembers all the nights he's spent here, alone in the dark, staring up at that ceiling, unable to sleep.
"My uncle's sending me to Suna for work experience."
"This summer?"
"Yeah."
"You don't want to go?"
Neji lets out a sigh. "Not really."
"Well." He hears her shifting around on the bed above him. "That sucks."
"Yeah."
Another silence stretches out between the two of them. But the silence is like a conversation; prickling with anticipation, anticipation expanding like a balloon straining to burst.
Neji says it. "Hinata's getting worse."
He can almost hear the deflation.
"Oh Neji."
"The doctor says she might need more surgery next year if the physiotherapy doesn't work." Neji closes his eyes. Another surgery. More pain. More anxiety. Hinata is desperate, he knows, and she's not letting it show because of him. Protecting the feelings of the person who crippled her. It'd make him laugh if it weren't so terrible.
That girl will never walk again because of him. Isn't that enough? Does she really have to suffer any more?
His next thought is so self-pitying he's disgusted beyond words, but why deny it? He hates himself.
Tenten says nothing. What is there to say?
"I'm sorry," he says, his voice low. "I shouldn't have brought it up."
"So what should you have done?" she says evenly. "Bottle it up inside yourself? Bite a smile out and lie and tell me you're fine?"
"I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."
"I didn't haul ass across town to make polite chit chat." She sighs. "Neji, we're...we're friends. Friends give a shit. I care about what you care about, and the things we care most about are awkward and uncomfortable because we care about them." She bites her lip. "So...so talk about whatever you need to talk about, okay? I'll listen. I want to listen. I...I probably won't know what to say a lot of the time, but...but I'm here. I'm here, okay? Jesus." Her words almost make her cringe. "Never thought I'd spout crap like that. But, look, I...I never knew how important having someone to listen to you was until...until you listened to me."
Neji doesn't reply. Only because there's too much he wants to say. Things like, do you know you're the first person I've ever talked about this with, or even, you're the best friend I've ever had. Or, maybe, simply, thank you.
Above him, Tenten seems to have experienced a sudden wave of embarrassment over 'spouting' that 'sappy shit'.
"Right, so, rambling done, are you done?" She says quickly, hiding her face under the duvet.
Neji can't help but smile. "I'm done."
"'kay good, 'cause I was just about to fall asleep." She clears her throat. "Night."
"Night."
They stop talking. It isn't until nearly an hour later, when the last remaining piece of Neji's mind not yet completely surrendered to sleep catches a whisper.
"Hey, Neji?"
No response.
"Well, I know you won't believe me, but you should know...I think you're doing everything you can. I don't think there's anything more you can do so...so you should stop beating yourself up." Her voice drops. "Please stop beating yourself up."
Still no response.
She sighs, and turns over.
Neji wakes to the sound of a zipper being jerked up. He blinks groggily.
"Tenten?"
He hears a distant curse from the other side of the bed. "Sorry Neji, didn't mean to wake you."
He pushes himself slowly up on one elbow, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and stifling a groan. "What time is it?"
"Uh...five."
"Five?"
"I'm seventeen and everything, but my parents will still run crying to the police if I don't show up for breakfast." She sprawls across the bed and peers over the edge at Neji, propped up on her elbows with her chin cupped in her hands, a playful smile quirked on her lips. "Morning."
Neji makes a noise that for a less dignified person would have qualified as a grunt.
She laughs. "I'm sorry. Go back to sleep, I'll show myself out."
"No, I'll show you out." Neji winces as he tries to stand. "In a minute."
He has to step out and check that everyone's in bed, first, before he goes back for Tenten and hurries her to the door. He stands at the doorframe with her as they wait for the lift to come up.
Which he wouldn't have thought would be awkward...but it is. She was laughing at him for being a 'paranoid idiot' earlier, but now she's just staring at him.
Feeling self-conscious, he asks, "What is it?"
"Nothing," she says. He can see her lips resisting that cheeky grin. "You know, I don't think I've ever seen you less than perfectly polished before."
He frowns, and looks down at himself. He doesn't notice anything remotely interesting.
There's a 'ding' as the lift arrives.
"Well, that's my ride." She smirks. "See you at school."
"See you," he says, still feeling a little confused. He's even more confused when she reaches out and flips a lock of his hair over to its right side of the parting.
"Sorry," she says, and he knows she wants to laugh. "It was bothering me. Bye!"
And with that, she strides into a lift, giving him a nonchanlant wave as the doors close, leaving him almost completely dazed.
In the lift, Tenten leans against the wall, smiling to herself, hoping that the image of Neji, in his old T-shirt and shorts, barefoot with his hair in total disarray, will not be leaving her mind anytime soon. It will be more than two years before the sunny morning comes when her memory will be refreshed, but she won't have to remember it.
Because, after that, she'll be waking up to it more mornings than not.
But they don't know that yet.
So don't look away now
I am turning in revolution
She comes running.
The moment he sees her he jumps off the wall and goes to meet her halfway.
"Tenten! Where have you been?"
"Sorry! Sorry, I know I'm really late." She stops in front of him and bends over, panting. "Were you waiting for a long time?"
He's been waiting here for the past hour. "No, I only just got here."
She looks up and gives him a look that says she can see right through him, but then gasps when his hand shoots out to grasp her chin.
"What's that?"
'That' being the inch-long cut along her cheekbone.
"Oh." She makes a dismissive noise. "It's nothing. Neji I-"
"Nothing?"
"Neji-"
"It was Ino, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, it was Ino."
"Tenten, you can't let her-"
"I told her to fuck off."
Neji stares.
"You what?"
"I told her to fuck off. Walked up to her today and told her to leave me the fuck alone." She grips his shoulders, her eyes shining. "I did it, Neji, I did it."
"But…this…" His thumb brushes her cheek.
"Doesn't hurt half as much as the one I gave her." She grins. "I'm not scared of her anymore."
There's a heartbeat of silence as the significance of what she's done settles on the both of them.
Then Neji leans forward, with the honest intention of hugging her, but she suddenly she takes his face in her hands and…
Kisses him.
When they break apart, Neji is shell-shocked.
"Tenten, what-"
"Like I said." She pulls him forward, and rests her forehead against his, breathing his air like she's drinking him in. "I'm not scared anymore."
After that, it only takes all of a second for him to regain his footing, for shock to give way to the sparks that had continued to kindle inside him ever since that first day, that first day with the poppies twining round her wrists and the butterflies licking at her ears, and he's pulling her against him, and they're laughing into each other's lips, and they're young and in love and nothing else in the world matters more than this.
I'm good to go and I'm going nowhere fast
It could be worse, I could be taking you there with me
Today, when she gets off the bus, he's there, sitting at the bus stop in front of her apartment building. Waiting for her.
She marches straight up to him. "What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to talk to you."
"You couldn't talk to me at school?"
"You avoid me at school."
"Yeah well, maybe you should take the hint."
"I have, Tenten. For two weeks. We need to talk now."
"We need to get you on a bus." He lives on the other side of town for God's sake. "You're going to miss your uncle's curfew."
"I don't care."
"Yes, you do," she retorts, craning her neck to see if the next bus is coming down the road.
"No, I don't." His hand closes around her wrist, pulling her beseechingly back towards him. "Tell me why you've been avoiding me."
"Oh for…look, okay, see that bus? That'll take you down to the metro. If you go now you can still make curfew."
"I'm not going."
"Neji, for God's sake!"
"I'm not going until you give me an explanation."
"I can't…I don't…" she gesticulates wildly, casting her gaze around desperately, and sees the bus slowing to a stop. "Neji, you need to get on this bus!"
Neji looks at the bus. Then he looks at her.
"Okay. I'll get on the bus."
She breathes a sigh of relief.
"But only if you come with me," he adds.
She wants to kill him.
"Neji, come on-"
"Fine. Then I'll stay." He sits back down again, and Tenten can only watch helplessly.
"Okay…okay, fine!" She splutters at last. She grabs his wrist and drags him to the bus. "God, you're annoying!"
Neji says nothing as she hauls the both of them into the bus, and into two seats at the very front.
"I'm only doing this so you'll get home on time," she hisses to him once they're seated. "I don't want to talk."
"But I do," he says.
She groans. She'd known this was a bad idea.
Suddenly, Neji's hand clasps hers. She freezes.
"I don't mean to agitate you," he says softly, and she keeps her eyes downcast because she knows if she looks up she'll see those…those eyes, those sad, confused eyes, and she'll end up saying anything he wants just to get him to stop looking like that.
"I'm…sorry," she mumbles to her lap. "It's…really not your fault, Neji."
"Then tell me what it is."
"I really don't want to talk about this."
"If you don't talk about it, we won't be able to fix it."
Tenten turns away from him. She doesn't want to do this. She really doesn't want to do this.
On the seats across from them, she sees a couple kissing. The two of them are snuggled close together, the girl lazily peppering her lover's smiling lips with kisses like she knows she can do it forever.
"You don't have to worry about that if there's nothing to fix," she says.
"What?"
She forces herself to turn back to him, and look him in the eye. "I don't think we're working out Neji."
Neji's eyes widen. Then, voice low, he asks, "What brought this on?"
"Nothing 'brought it on', I just-"
"Something happened. Something must have happened. We were happy until up until two weeks ago when you suddenly decided you weren't."
"I didn't decide I wasn't happy-"
"Then what happened? Tell me."
"For God's sake, nothing happened-"
"Then why are you suddenly trying to break up with me?"
"I just...I just think...look, Neji, just think about it – you're going to Suna for summer, then you're going to be in fucking Tokyo for the next three years, and I'll...I'll be-"
The bus doors fly open, cutting her off. She makes a frustrated noise.
"Okay, whatever. C'mon this is our stop." She leads him off the bus. "I'll walk you to the station, then I'm going home."
When Neji doesn't say anything, she looks behind her, frowning. Then she feels a sense of dread.
Neji's looking at her like everything's fallen into place. "You're scared."
She swallows. "Don't be ridiculous."
She spins around, and walks faster. He chases after her.
"You are. You're scared."
"I'm not scared-"
"You think we won't make it."
"Don't put words in my mouth."
"Tenten, listen to me, we can't just give up because we're scared, I know it'll be hard but we can't just give up-"
"Do you know what'll happen if it doesn't work out?" She bursts out. She stops walking, and turns to face him, not caring that they're blocking a crowd of people trying to get into the station. "It's like you think…you think we'll just say goodbye and everything will be fine! If this doesn't work out, do you...do you know how much I'll...how much you'll…" she bites her lip and shakes her head. Tries to pretend she's not blinking back tears. Tears will only give him ammunition, fortify his conviction that she doesn't want to do this.
She does. She does. Oh it's pathetic, she knows, disgustingly hypocritical, because, didn't she tell him she wasn't scared anymore? A year ago, in the park, running to see him, her pulse throbbing in her ears and her blood set on fire, grabbing him and kissing him and pulling him defiantly past the line she'd scored across her heart to protect herself because - didn't she tell him herself? - 'I'm not afraid anymore'.
Liar.
Or maybe just stupid. Stupid, for not thinking she'd fall any deeper, for not knowing how much the fire would consume her, for not believing that she could get hurt anymore. For thinking that that was the beginning of their happily ever after.
For thinking that she was the only one at risk of getting hurt.
She steps away from him. "You know what – it doesn't matter anymore. I'm done."
"Tenten, stop." He tries to take her hands, but she pulls away. "Tenten, please. You might be able to cut me off now, but I'm past that point, I can't. I'm not going to let us give up."
"You don't have to." She forces herself not to look at him. "I'm ending it for the both us now."
She pushes past him, and walks out of the station.
"Tenten, wait-"
"Get out of my way."
"Tenten, please, listen to me-"
"I don't want to hear it, get out of my way!"
"Tenten, I know you're scared, and believe me, I'm scared too, but I'm willing to risk it! Tenten, I'm willing to risk it-"
(No. No no no no n-) "Don't say it."
"I'm willing to risk anything for this because I-"
"Don't say it!"
"Because I lo-"
"Shut up!"
With her eyes squeezed shut and her hands clamped over her ears, she runs.
Say it's only a paper moon, hanging over cardboard sea
But it wouldn't be make believe, if you believed in me
Everyone has to say goodbye.
Standing there, in the darkened ballroom, watching everyone he grew up with in tuxedos and gowns, exchanging farewell wishes and taking commemoration photos under the glittery 'Class of 2012' sign, he realises he may never see some of the people in this room again for the rest of his life. That this may be his last chance to say goodbye.
It's this realisation, probably, that causes him to walk up to Tenten, take her hand, and half-drag her out of the ballroom, despite her vehement protests.
"What the hell did you do that for?" She hisses, once they're in the hotel foyer.
"I need to talk to you."
"I don't want to talk to you!" She wrenches her wrist from his grip, and moves to return to the ballroom.
Neji doesn't know what else to do. He begs. "Tenten, please."
The words are mild enough, but two months of confusion and suppressed hurt colour his tone, enough to make Tenten hesitate in her retreat.
"This might be the last time we ever talk to each other," he says, knowing he has to get the words out before she steels her resolve again. "After tonight, I don't know when we'll ever see each other again. And I can't leave things the way they are now, Tenten. I can't."
Silence.
Then she turns. And not for the first time that evening, Neji is stricken by the sight of her.
Yes, her dress is exquisite, and her face may be pretty, but he sees only her eyes. Her eyes, enticing enough to seduce heroes, mysterious enough to tempt the gods.
Beautiful enough to take his breath away.
"You're unbearable," she whispers.
"Tenten, I-"
"I thought I could do it. For two whole months, I was doing it. Then I only had tonight to get through, and then I'd never have to see you again, and it'd be…be easier to…to..." she shakes her head, eyebrows knitted in consternation. "Then you have to do this."
"I needed to talk to you."
"Well I never wanted to talk to you!" She shouts. "I knew this would happen. If I started…if I started talking to you, I'd start…I'd start saying things I shouldn't say and you'd just get your hopes up again-"
Oh, Neji can't help this. "Aren't you a bit too late to be concerned about my feelings?" He says, and he'd be lying if he said the flinch that crosses Tenten's face at that doesn't give him some sick sense of gratification. "I…told you everything. And you walked away. You walked away, and now you're telling me you've orchestrated this whole fiasco out of regard for my feelings?"
"You're right." She throws her hands up. "You're right. It's my fault, okay? It's my fault everything's like this now, my fault that we're both miserable. And I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, Neji. Believe me. I'm sorry it's ended up like this. I'm just...sorry."
She turns on her heel and, for the last time, she walks away.
But just as she's about to step back into the ballroom, she stops, and she thinks, if this is goodbye, if this is the last time, then she might as well say it all.
"For the record, I loved you too."
Then she is gone.
She has barely made it back into the crowd, when he grasps her hand, firmly, and pulls her out onto the dance floor.
"Neji, what the h-"
"Say it again."
"What?"
"What you said to me out there." He rests his forehead against hers. "Say it again."
She flushes. "Fuck you," she says, avoiding his eyes. "I know you heard me."
"I need to be sure. If you said what I think you did...then I'm definitely not going to let you go. Not this time." There it is, that hope in his voice, that hope that keeps him coming back no matter how many times she tries to crush it. She wants to scream at him. Wants to ask him why the hell he keeps coming back, why he keeps setting himself up to get crushed like this, why he can't just scoop up what's left of his heart and walk away.
Maybe, a tiny piece of her mind (heart) whispers, because he loves you enough.
As she battles with her heart, the silence stretches out between the two of them. With each second of silence, his face loses more hope. Finally, he steps back. "Looks like I was wrong. I'm sorry. I'll g-"
"I said I love you, okay?" She blurts out, knowing that if she lets him go this time, he may never come back. "I love you! Jesus." She draws a shaky breath, her eyes pricking with tears, her heart pounding in her ears. "After all this time, after everything we've been through, is that such a fucking surprise to y-mmph!"
He kisses her.
"I'm sorry," she gasps when they break apart. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have…shouldn't have pushed you away, I was just, I was so scared of losing you I couldn't deal with it-"
"It's okay," he breathes. "We'll be okay. Believe me."
She's known something for a long time, and it is this: it's so easy to fall in love but it's not as easy to trust someone. With love, she kept him close to her heart, but never inside it. Past betrayal has left scars like moats across her soul, and she's been building walls up ever since. But Neji, Neji's gotten closer than she's ever let anyone, and his, his love has been lapping like waves at her walls, slowly wearing them down from the base. And she's been frantically laying new bricks, building them thicker, higher, stronger.
But, for the first time, she thinks, maybe I don't have to. Maybe...maybe she can trust this boy. This boy, with his eyes like mirrors and his wounded soul. This boy who needs her. Loves her.
She does it. She takes the last piece of herself, that pieces she's never let go of, and she gives it to him. He deserves it.
"Okay."
END
Songs used in chronological order - (Japanese lyric extracts shown here in romaji; translations were shown in the fic)
1. Pikanchi Double - Arashi (Wakasugita "kono mama zutto" nante kangae)
2. Yes? No? - Arashi (Tsukareru puraido nara suteta hou ga ii ka mo)
3. Kimi Hana - Pigstar (Yasashisa wo shiru hodo setsunaku narunda/Kimi ga nagashitekita namida no nukumori to shite kara)
4. Yozora no Mukou - Suga Shikao (Kanashimi tte itsuka wa/Kiete shimau mono na no kanaa)
5. Crash and Burn - Savage Garden
6. Ashita Boku wa Kimi ni Au ni Yuku - Wakaba (Samishisa dake ga kyou mo riaru de/Ima, ai ni ittara naite shimau)
7. Why - Ayaka (Kotoba ni suru no ga heta na/Anata no seikaku wakaru kara)
8. Gravity - Vienna Teng
9. Saturday - Fall Out Boy
10. It's Only a Paper Moon - Nat King Cole
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the songs shown in this story.
Author's Note: I know it got a little rushed at the end, but I...think I'm happy enough with it. Thanks for reading! Please leave a review, constructive criticism is always appreciated :)