A/N: Sooo, I just wanna start this by saying that this story is officially my first non-Drarry ever. So yaay! What a big moment for me :) I do hope you like it, considering the idea wouldn't leave me alone until I finally gave in and started writing it. Remus Lupin is without a doubt my all-time favorite character in the Harry Potter series. He's just too lovely for words.
Aaanyway back on topic...
The story you are about to read is a sixth-year Marauders fic, full of dark secrets, intense longing, genuine remorse, and, to make it complete, betrayal, misunderstandings, and a holy fucking ton of hurt feelings. Are we sensing all the possible and extremely delicious drama yet?
Now for a few warnings and just a bit of caps lock...
WARNING: This story contains all sorts of yummy slash with all kinds of graphic depictions of homosexuality. Don't blame me, I'm only here to give the people what they want.
This story features a shy pining Remus, as well a flirtatious, rather clueless Sirius. It also includes an adolescent Peter Pettigrew. Just thought I would warn you for fun. *shrugs* There will also be a rather generous helping of teenage angst, both the insecure werewolf kind—of which there will be aplenty—and the fun dramatic regular variety.
There is also a genuine and heartfelt warning about the excessive fucking use of obscenities contained within this story, the cornerstone of both my stories and myself as an individual. I have been told by more than one person that I am quite the profane young lady, to which I always respond with several choice four-letter words—so just a mutha fuckin' heads up for you, lovelies.
But enough about my crass and immoral style of speaking by using far more fucking expletives than can actually be deemed absolutely fucking necessary! Onto the real reason we're all here, which is the teenage angst and werewolf smut!
But before I begin, look! An Oscar Wilde quote!
—"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our own personal hell."
And now that Oscar Wilde has been quoted, I do believe the angst is off to a lovely start and we are officially ready to begin!
TO RIVAL THE SUN
I
Remus Lupin had always felt different.
The statement seemed so redundant passing through his mind—of course he was different; he had always been different, maybe even before that life-altering night when Fenrir Greyback had forced his way through Remus's window as the tiny boy slept, only to awaken in screaming pain and soaked in sticky blood as he looked into the most terrifying set of eyes he had ever seen, looming above him and staring into his own with a fierce hunger, the petrifying stare accompanied by the most horrifying hair-raising snarl, the sound echoing through his nightmares for years after and even occasionally still sneaking into the Gryffindor sixth-year boys' dorm to find him asleep and defenseless. The werewolf growling over him seemed to take perverse pleasure in the whimpering fear drowning the child into a frightened paralysis before him, freezing the boy in place where he lay bleeding and sobbing and trapped beneath the heavy creature until either the pain or the fear had rendered him unconscious, keeping his mind safe beneath a heavy onyx blanket of unawareness.
Unaware, at least, until he woke to the sound of hushed whispering somewhere nearby, low and agitated. Cracking open his eyes, the first thing he had seen was the tear-stained face of his mother, gazing down at him with such sorrow and a horrified sort of hysteria that told him instantly that the worst was not yet over.
And he had been far too correct.
After that had begun his monthly "episodes", as his mother called it; the dreaded cycle of mercilessly full moons, his life set to follow the predictable and rigidly calculated schedule of the torturous—and never-ending—lunar calendar, the one that controlled his every waking moment.
And in-between full moons was the endless parade of Healers he was taken to see, standing stiffly and staring off into the distance as they poked and prodded at him, whispered spells and shoved potions down his throat that they did not even bother to explain, his parents standing off to the side giving silent consent to every test, listening with desperate hope to every suggestion. Everyone around Remus discussed the boy right in front of him as if he was not even in the room, and they never bothered to look directly at him when asking a question.
That was when he knew people were now uncomfortable being around him.
His "condition", as his mother referred to it as, had always kept him isolated from everyone else, separated from the entire world behind thick walls of glass constructed of his own caution and hardened by a gradual self-loathing that grew every time his mother flinched at the sight of him, or looked with sorrowful eyes at the slow navy-blue creep of the encroaching darkness gradually blanketing the horizon and cried as the moon rose.
And since the first transformation, the sight of the full moon had always been a source of such fear and dread, just the sight sometimes enough to send him into a panic at the knowledge of what was about to occur, the absolute pain involved in transforming, not to mention the pain he inflicted on himself whilst in wolf-form.
And then, when he entered adolescence, to find out that his being bitten had been planned and premeditated as payment for the costly grudge Greyback held against Remus's father for supposed offenses made, well, it hardly served to make him feel better about anything. At least before, he hadn't truly hated the creature that had robbed him of his future, his humanity; he had always felt pity for the wolf's loss of self in that moment.
Until the pity had been stripped away and all he felt was hatred for the monster that had purposefully ruined his life. Greyback had certainly succeeded in getting his revenge against the family, all right. The attack had affected every aspect of the entire Lupin household—every facet of Remus's life, starting at the age of four.
It had cost him so much.
It had kept him so lonely.
After all, who would want to be friends with a werewolf? Who would want to be anywhere near a werewolf? Who would ever want to kiss a werewolf?
So yes, Remus Lupin had always been different.
And then the day came when Dumbledore himself arrived on Remus's doorstep, all but inviting himself across the threshold with a smile and insisting that Remus would still be able to attend Hogwarts, stunning him into disbelief and sending his mother into a panic at the thought of him boarding so far away and sharing a dorm with other children.
And even while an excitement so fierce it was almost painful began to spread through him at the thought of attending school with others his own age and maybe possibly even making friends, there had been a nasty voice at the back of his mind whispering venomously that it would never work, he was a freak, a monster; he would hurt somebody, maybe even kill someone.
After all, that was what werewolves did. He was dangerous—to himself, to those around him, to the ones he cared about. He had seen both of his parents eye him at times with fear, had noticed the way they would sometimes fall silent in his presence as though unsure of what to say to someone who was no longer as human as he had once been, as they still were—as he was reminded of every single day.
He was far too aware of what he was.
But then, he had arrived at Hogwarts. He had gazed around in wonder, feeling lost and insignificant amidst the grandeur and sheer enormity of the castle. Maybe at school, in the large crowd, he could lose himself as just another anonymous face amongst the masses—not a werewolf, not cursed or diseased, but just another student. Maybe for once in his life, he could be normal.
It didn't take long, however, to realize that even when trying to blend in with the other students, Remus did not fit in. He was extremely shy and nervous around others, always keeping his gaze lowered and drawing as little attention to himself as possible. He was pale and thin and wispy, and when he spoke, it was always in a soft voice, eyes usually settled on anything other than the person he was speaking to.
After the first week, he was resigned to his slot as the strange Gryffindor loner, face normally buried in a book in yet another attempt to hide from his surroundings.
Until the day Sirius Black spoke to him and changed everything.
oOo
Sighing heavily, Sirius tossed the hair from his eyes in a practiced move, one he had dedicated much of his time to perfecting in mirrors until it was just the right combination of casual aloof indifference. He had it on good authority that the move was—if he did agree so himself—irresistible and even now had caught the attention of more than one witch seated in the packed Gryffindor Common Room.
"Stop bloody showing off, Padfoot," James cut in, drawing Sirius's gaze from where it was swinging around the room noting with satisfied curiosity just how many girls had been glancing his way. "Just finish your assignment already so we can finally leave and do something actually worthwhile, like playing night Quidditch or learning how to hex every bar of soap within a one-kilometer radius of Snivellus to attack him and attempt to wash the grease from the git."
Peter snorted loudly at the words, earning a good-natured grin from James.
"I've had the idea for a while," he confessed enthusiastically. "I found a spell that might help us get started, but I'm not quite sure yet how to—"
"Where's Moony?" Sirius interrupted, peering around for a hint of the familiar golden-brown curls. Remus had said he would be meeting up with them in the Common Room nearly twenty minutes ago. Where was he? Maybe it was his absence that was making Sirius feel so off; he felt restless and jumpy. His palms itched and he fought the urge to scratch at them.
"I dunno," James answered with a shrug. "Probably caught a naughty Slytherin doing something deplorable in the corridors and is hopefully abusing his power as a prefect right now by assigning an outrageous amount of detention for the prat."
"Sure," Sirius grinned as he tried to imagine a world in which Remus Lupin was capable of being corrupted by power. "The day he finally gives in to our constant pressuring to abuse his badge and use it to torment Slytherins is the day I skip naked up and down the dungeon corridors, singing the fucking school song."
"Well, maybe next time we pressure him you could try offering him that deal instead," James said lightly, returning his attention back to the parchment spread before him.
Frowning, Sirius also directed his gaze back to the table. He wasn't sure why, he knew James had only been kidding, but the thought of offering Remus any sort of deal that ended in Sirius being naked was…strange. Was strange the word he was looking for? He wasn't quite sure how to describe the feeling that the simultaneous thought of Remus Lupin and his own nudity caused within him.
Shaking his head, he frowned harder. Why in the hell was he thinking about his own naked bollocks and his best mate in the same sentence? And—he grimaced slightly—why was this not the first time he had caught his mind following similar trails of thought?
Remus had returned from the summer holidays different. Or not really different, so much, but changed. He was still just as shockingly thin as he had always been, but he had grown even taller in the short months they had been separated. His voice had also lowered to a pleasant timbre, which, when spoken in his usual soft calm murmur, did strange things to Sirius's pulse. His hair was just the slightest bit longer than it had been the previous term, golden-brown curls tumbling thick and soft to cover his pale forehead and nearly hide his green eyes. It had an oddly disarming effect on Sirius.
There were other things as well, subtle things that Sirius could not actually specify. Little things, like a difference in how Moony now held his quill, or how his mouth would sometimes randomly stretch just the tiniest bit into the small mysterious smile that Sirius had yet to know the source of. But he wanted to, surprising himself with just how badly that statement was true. He wanted to know what Remus was smiling about so secretly and fought the vain flutter that surged within him at the hope that maybe the smile was about him.
"Moony!" James's exclamation caused Sirius's head to automatically snap up and focus on the wizard crossing the room toward them, and as he neared, Sirius found himself unable to look away. Remus was wearing well-worn jeans with scruffy tears in the knees that hung low on his slim hips, showing just the barest hint of navy pants. His grey-striped shirt was too small and too tight, revealing a thin sliver of the alabaster flesh of his pale torso above the dark blue waistband of his boxers. Slung over the t-shirt that Sirius was suspecting the teen had owned since at least fourth year was a heavy-looking olive green coat with numerous buttons and multiple pockets that made Sirius long to see if he could slip things inside without the other boy noticing.
Crossing the room swiftly, Moony dropped into the open seat next to Peter, who was seated across from Sirius. "Sorry," Remus apologized as he began to pull texts from his bookbag, but he paused to glance up at them and grin. "My rounds took longer than I thought they would. Guess who I just caught snogging Camellia Meadows in the doorway of a classroom on the third floor?"
"Well," James wrinkled his nose in thought, "it can't have been Sirius, since he's been with me this whole time. And it can't have been Peter since it involves a real-life female girl. And it can't have been Snivellus, since he's an asexual oily eunuch, and it can't have been me, since I have no memory of the encounter, nor willingness on my part if it involves Camellia Meadows. And it can't have been you, judging by the context of your question and the fact that you used the word snogging. So!" he clapped his hands together loudly. "My brilliant conclusion and final deductions are…! I have no fucking idea, mate."
Remus looked as if he wanted to say something to argue the comment James had made about the reasons behind his lack of suspicion that it was Remus who had been found getting off with a Ravenclaw female in a corridor on the third floor, but he shrugged it off and shook his head in wry amusement. "I think it's safe to say I didn't mean it was any of us, Prongs," he said sarcastically. "Especially since this particular someone has already been assigned detention with Slughorn nearly every night for the next two weeks." His eyes flicked to Sirius and he smiled that infuriatingly lovely tiny smile. "Do you think Walmsley will be upset with Regulus for having to miss so much Quidditch practice?"
Shocked laughter burst from Sirius's throat and he grinned widely at the smiling boy. "Why, Remus Lupin, did you abuse your prefect authority to assign my horrid younger brother detention just for me?"
A soft blush crept across Moony's ivory cheekbones. "Maybe," he said shyly, staring Sirius full in the eye for the briefest of seconds before looking away. "I thought you lot would get a laugh out of it, at least."
"Oh, and we do!" James insisted with amusement as he turned his gaze to Sirius. "Padfoot was actually saying something quite interesting right before you arrived about what he would be willing to do if you ever abused your power as a prefect to torment Slytherins…what was it again, Sirius?"
"Oh, fuck off, Potter," Sirius chuckled. "I was joking, I never actually agreed to anything."
"So what was it you were willing to trade for my corruption?" Moony asked with a smirk.
"Yes, let's let Moony decide if he wants to hold you to it," James suggested.
"Yes, Padfoot, let's let Moony decide," Remus's smirk deepened.
Sighing dramatically, Sirius flicked the black hair from his eyes and rested his elbows on the table. "I might have made an innocent comment—one not to be taken seriously, of course—that if the day ever came where you chose to give in to the seductive lure of power and place priority in House pride over that of your despairingly high morals, I would agree to skip up and down the dungeon corridors whilst singing the school song completely naked." As he spoke, he stared Remus directly in the eye, watching in curiosity as the other boy flushed a deep red and stared down at his hands before letting out a surprised laugh.
"Well," he began, "as much as I'm sure you would delight in prancing about naked for the viewing pleasures of all the Slytherins down in the freezing dungeons, I'm not going to make everyone who would witness it suffer by actually holding you to it."
Raising one eyebrow, Sirius adopted a sly look. "Your fucking loss, mate."
"Yeah," James added, "Nobody heard Hazel Dedrick complaining, did they?"
Another blush spilled across Moony's cheeks as he turned his head away and shrugged.
"Or Kendra Howse," Peter added with a fawning air of respect toward Sirius.
"Or Piper Robbins."
"Or—"
"Enough!" Sirius interrupted with a quick glance at Remus. He was fidgeting in his chair and looking distinctly uncomfortable as he stared away from them all. "God, could you two make me sound like any more of a slag?"
"Yeah, you're right," Prongs began sarcastically. "We're the reason you sound like a slag."
"Yeah, you're right," Peter echoed, attempting to adopt the same playful sarcasm. "We're the reason you've shagged loads of birds."
"Not all of those were even proper shags," Sirius countered uneasily. He felt awkward talking about the girls he had been with, which was definitely strange. He had never been shy about sharing the details of his experiences with the three of them in the past—what had changed?
"You might be a bit of a slag, Padfoot, sorry to tell you," Remus's soft voice cut through the unsettled air surrounding the four of them.
His tone was teasing, but for some reason, the casually spoken words seemed to pierce into Sirius like a Severing Charm. It hurt in a way he had not been expecting and was not sure how to interpret. His eyes narrowed as he felt the urge to lash out from the stinging ache caused by the other boy's words. "Better a slag than being some sad pathetic sixth-year virgin. Better to be getting too much sex as opposed to no sex at all."
Remus's eyes widened as a hurt look flashed across his face before his head was lowered to stare down at his lap and his curls had fallen to hang like a thick sheet to cover any sign of his hidden expression. A tense silence wound itself around the table. Sirius refused to break it, instead choosing to stare resolutely at the notes he had been attempting to focus on before Remus had arrived.
"Erm, well," James began hesitantly, glancing between the two of them in confusion.
Keeping his eyes fixed firmly on the table, Sirius fought to hide his own confusion. Why had he gotten so angry? He never snapped at Remus. In fact, if he ever heard anyone speak to Remus the way Sirius had just spoken to him, he would hex the prat without hesitation. Shame and regret flooded through him, and Sirius risked a glance up at Moony, who was staring down at a book spread open before him and fiddling with the tattered corner of a page.
"I'm sorry," Sirius blurted suddenly, hating the injured way Remus had curled in on himself, withdrawn into himself so easily, retreated once more into the shell he wore around himself like a shield, one he was far too fond of crawling into. "I didn't mean anything by it, Moons, I'm sorry."
"S'okay," Remus mumbled, gaze still fixed on the book and face still lowered from view.
Rising from his seat, Sirius circled around the table to the curly-haired boy and shoved the book away from him along the entire length of the wooden surface, watching in satisfaction as it fell over the edge. Ignoring Moony's startled cry, he settled his body into the place where both the book and Remus's attention had so recently been.
Bending low, he settled both palms against Moony's sharp cheekbones, forcing him to look Sirius in the eye. "I'm sorry, Remus," he repeated quietly, demeanor oddly sober for once. He gazed at the other boy evenly, directly into the lovely green eyes that were a particular shade of green that Sirius was quite sure he had never seen in another person before.
They were certainly different from the shade of green that Evan's eyes were, something James was constantly going on about. The green of her eyes was emerald and sharp, brilliant and sparkling but maybe just a bit too bright. Remus's eyes were a much prettier jade green, deep and warm, with gold flakes scattered in a coppery halo around each pupil.
With a start, Sirius realized just how closely he was leaning toward the startled teen, their faces much nearer together than he had even been aware. He was still holding Moony's cheekbones between gentle hands, and he suddenly realized the intimacy of his actions. He and Remus had always been physically affectionate friends—Sirius initiating most of it, of course, considering Remus's reticent nature—but it had never truly felt intimate. Not like it did then, as he cupped Remus's smooth jaw and stared down into shy eyes.
"Do you accept my apology?" he asked playfully, releasing his hold on the other boy and straightening in his seated position on the Common Room table. "Am I forgiven for my moment of idiotic pratishness?"
Moony stared at him in silence for a long moment before allowing the smallest of smiles to twist his face into a pleasant expression. "I suppose," he allowed in a soft voice.
"Brilliant!" Sirius beamed and, without thought, leaned down to press a kiss to the cascading curtain of curls hiding Remus's forehead from sight. As his lips touched the other boy's apple-scented hair, he heard a sharp inhalation of breath. "I can always count on you to overlook my flaws and rash stupidities," he murmured against the thick veil of curls.
"So far," Moony murmured lightly, but Sirius could swear he felt a tremor pass through the other boy.
Shifting away, Sirius leaned back to rest his palms on the table behind him. "I'll try not to push it, then," he said cheerfully, attempting to hide the regret he felt at moving away from the warmth of Remus's body.
"Yeah," James spoke up behind Sirius, "Don't wanna end up in detention like Regulus now, do we? Got to be careful now that we know for a fact how much Moony is out there abusing his power as a prefect."
"Moony would never throw me in detention!" Sirius cried in mock outrage. "He loves me far too much to force any sort of rules or discipline upon me!"
Folding his arms, Remus's upper lip twitched as he fought to keep a straight face.
"You all know my upbringing," Sirius explained in a patient voice. "I wasn't raised to respect authority or the concept of rules. I was raised to be just as selfish and entitled as the rest of my mad frigid ancestors. I'm just following natural instincts instilled in me since birth."
Giving in to his grin, Remus shook his head in amusement. "You do realize that you're not going to be able to charm your way out of every situation, don't you?"
Returning the grin with a dazzling smile of his own, Sirius responded, "Well, I suppose I'll just have to rely on my good looks, then, won't I?"
The same delicate pink as earlier pooled across Moony's cheeks as his gaze flicked away. "You can try, I s'pose," was the only reply.
"Oh, come off it," Sirius scoffed playfully, nudging Remus's thigh with his foot. "You're helpless against my stunning good looks, admit it. You've fallen hopelessly into the ensnaring trap that is my handsome features. It's why I can get away with being such a prick and you still forgive me."
"You're hardly irresistible, Padfoot," Remus rolled his eyes as a light blush spread across his cheeks. "Somehow, I've already managed to resist you for five whole years."
"Oh dear," Sirius frowned worriedly as his features turned sympathetic, "You poor thing, pining after me for five long years without ever gaining the courage to act on it."
Behind him, he could hear James sniggering. "Merlin, be more conceited, Pads, would you?"
Turning his head just enough to smirk at James over his shoulder, Sirius raised an eyebrow. "I'll be sure to pass the same advice along to you the next time you come within thirty feet of Evans, mate."
James grinned. "I'll wear her down, just you wait."
"That'll be a romantic story to tell your firstborn," said Sirius dryly. "Can you imagine in ten years' time, little James Jr with his little glasses and Evan's impossibly green—" his tone became mocking—"eyes, asking how the two of you met and fell in love, and you respond by telling him 'I wore her down by persistently annoying her until she no longer had the will or patience to resist me'." He gave James an amused look. "Essentially what you're saying," he continued, "is that you want to achieve a date with this girl by more or less first breaking her spirit enough to where she is finally able to tolerate your company."
"If that's what it takes for her to finally admit to us both that she's crazy for me, then sure," James laughed.
"Yeah, definitely sounds like inevitable marital bliss to me," responded Sirius sarcastically.
"Oi, just cos you look at and avoid monogamy the same way Snivellus does with baths, doesn't mean that the rest of us aren't capable of commitment," James retorted with a heavy eye roll.
Sirius let out an indignant squawk. "I do not avoid commitment! I can commit—I do commit! I have definitely been known to commit! I'm famous for it, actually; it's one of my better qualities."
With a grin, James shook his head. "You have never romantically committed yourself to a single person in your entire life."
"That's not true…" Sirius began to protest, but as his brain began attempting to come up with solid arguments and clear examples of just how wrong James was, he could not think of a single defense for the statement. It was true—he had never had a girlfriend, had never involved himself in anything even remotely serious, and despite the number of girls he had been with, he had never actually even been on a real date.
Was there something wrong with him? Or had he just not found anyone who held his interest enough?
"Face it," James continued, "You, Sirius Black, are completely incapable of being in a relationship."
oOo
Remus Lupin had not originally been a shy child. Before the attack, he had been cheerful and bright, always smiling and giggling at one thing or another. He had been playful and curious, excited for new things and eager to see the world around him.
After he had been bitten, however, it all changed. He said barely a handful of words the entire year following the attack, and even after only spoke if asked a direct question; his laugh became much quieter and was heard much less often, becoming a sound notable only in its extreme rarity. He hardly ever spoke above a soft murmur, and he became all but terrified of looking a person in the eye lest they see the monster lurking within him.
He withdrew completely into himself, became shut off almost completely from the world, condemned to isolation with nobody to talk to, both by his parents' fear of him and his own fear of himself—and, if he was being with honest with himself, his own fear of the world. It was glaringly obvious from the actions of everybody he had come into contact with since the attack that he was going to be despised and feared, at the very best only ever looked at with either some sort of clinical interest or horrified intrigue.
But that all changed with Sirius Black. He seemed to appear one day out of nowhere, startling Remus by standing close and looking him straight in the eye and speaking to him as if they were friends. As if they were friends who spoke all the time. Sirius did not look at him with revulsion or disgusted detachment like he was dirty and diseased. He looked at him with bright eyes and a nice smile, and before Remus knew it he found himself responding.
And just like that, he had a friend.
And with this newfound friendship also came a close companionship with James Potter, much to Remus's everlasting astonishment. Two friends. Two friends that he could call his very own, two people to sit with in class, to wave him over at the dinner table with large grins and loud laughter. He finally had others to laugh with, to joke with, to fill the silence that he had not even known he had grown so accustomed to.
And no one could make him laugh harder than Sirius.
Along with Remus, the two raven-haired boys also took Peter Pettigrew under their wing, folding him neatly into the group and cementing a surprisingly solid bond in a startlingly short amount of time. For the first time in his life, Remus felt as if he finally belonged somewhere, finally had a comfortable place all his own that he fit perfectly into. He finally had people to talk to, who actually wanted to be around him, who wanted to speak to him and asked his opinion on things and genuinely cared what he had to say.
For the first time in his life, Remus finally felt noticed.
And even though he was happier than he could ever remember being, he still felt an ever-present uneasiness lurking at the background of every encounter he had with his friends, darting around just enough to distract him while hissing venomously in his ear that his friends would be disgusted by him if they knew the truth of what he was, what he had always been—a monster.
The fear continued to plague him, and he grew more and more desperate to cover up the truth of his condition. He lied constantly, claiming that he had always been a sickly child and had to sometimes leave on account of how often he felt unwell, that his mother was ill and he had been given special permission to visit her on occasion, and so on, the lies growing more and more frantic until finally one day in the spring of second-year the three of them confronted him in the dorm and informed him in quiet voices that they knew the truth.
Remus's eyes had widened and he felt tears spring up and threaten to spill over, certain that at any moment they were going to spit on him in revulsion and yell at him for ever tricking them into befriending him.
But they did neither.
Instead, Sirius had walked forward and looked him in the eye for a moment in absolute silence before pulling him into a gentle hug. He had then been released and informed in a very serious voice that the dark-haired boy had given him the nickname Moony, for obvious reasons of course, and which, according to Sirius, was just the most wicked nickname ever.
The tears really did spill over then as Remus realized that his friends were not planning on leaving him, they did not hate him. The crash of relief pounding through him was strong enough to render him completely mute, leaving him silent and trembling from the release of the painful certainty that at any moment, all three of them would sneer at him and call him a freak.
Shutting his eyes, he wrapped both arms around his torso tightly. A warm limb folded itself around his shoulders as Sirius pulled him close and ruffled his hair, playfully asking if he had any super werewolf strength they could use to their advantage. With a watery chuckle, Remus rolled his eyes.
And after that, he knew. He knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that he could trust them with anything, everything, with his very life. He knew that no matter what, they would be there for him, they would accept him, they would never ever desert him, never ever turn their backs on him or shut him out.
He finally had somewhere he belonged.
oOo
"Merlin, be more conceited, Prongs, would you?" Sirius drawled smugly, folding his arms as he raised an eyebrow, feeling extremely pleased with himself. He noticed Moony attempting not to laugh at James, who had paused with his hand tangled in his hair, tousling it yet again for what had to be at least the fourteenth time in the whole seven minutes they had been sitting at that particular table in the library, the one James had practically dragged them toward. Even before they had arrived, Sirius had known exactly what the draw was.
And as they neared and he spotted Lily Evan's familiar auburn hair, he snorted and exchanged amused glances with Remus, who was currently shaking his head in fond exasperation at James, the latter of which was still shooting what he thought were covert glances at Evan's table several meters away.
"Did you bring us here just so you could drool over her while she studies?" Sirius sniggered.
"Maybe he thinks it's less creepy if we're here with him as he drools over her as opposed to just him sitting here alone, staring at her and drooling," said Remus wisely, nodding his head.
"Well," James sniffed, turning his attention onto them, "if you two are going to just sit there with that attitude the entire time you watch me watch Evans, then I really don't see why you insisted on accompanying me so bloody much."
"Oh, are we in the way here?" Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Well, Moony, Wormtail, sounds like we're not wanted here, eh? Maybe we should take our attitudes elsewhere."
Grinning, James shot him a two-finger salute. "You're such a bloody prat, Padfoot."
"Yes, everyone always warned me you would be a bad influence," Sirius nodded genially.
"I don't know why I continue to subject myself to your lies and negative outlook!" James countered dramatically, lips twitching as he reached into his pocket for a brightly-wrapped sweet.
"I'd say equal amounts love and desperation," Sirius shrugged.
"Oi!" James squawked indignantly, nearly choking on the sweet he had just placed in his mouth. "I am not desperate!"
With an amused expression, Sirius glanced between James and Evans, as if to say who the fuck are you trying to kid, mate?
"I mean usually," James grumbled, sinking lower in his seat.
The amusement on Sirius's face deepened and James responded with the same rude hand gesture as earlier.
"Hey, Padfoot," Peter interrupted with a smirk, "Speaking of stalking…" With an obvious jerk of his head, he gestured toward a table where three Ravenclaw sixth-year girls were whispering to one another as they began pulling parchment and quills from their bags. One of the girls looked up suddenly, making eye contact with Sirius and smiling prettily before blushing and glancing away.
Frowning, Sirius turned back to his friends, two of whom were smirking and one who had not even looked up from his book.
"Look at that," Peter raised his eyebrows suggestively, "Rose Palmer is getting nearly as desperate as James."
"Oi!" James huffed loudly.
"Hardly," Sirius ignored him. "Nobody could ever be as desperate as James."
"Hey!" James cried indignantly, crossing his arms furiously as everybody ignored him.
"And even if it was possible," Sirius continued, "Rose Palmer is not desperate. And she's not here to stalk me," he said sharply as Peter opened his mouth. "This is a library, she is a Ravenclaw. She studies. It's what Ravenclaws fucking do. It's just what she fucking does." He nodded firmly as if stamping a very solid period onto the end of the sentence.
"You're what she fucking does," Peter sniggered, earning a chuckle and a nod from James. Remus still had yet to look up.
Rolling his eyes heavily, Sirius chose to maturely ignore Peter—for all of fifty-four seconds. "Nothing even really happened between us," he said suddenly, unable to simply overlook the girl's presence in the library now that Wormtail had pointed it out and made those comments. "Rose, I mean. I mean, you know, nothing really. And it was so long ago, like last term, so it makes no sense for her to be here stalking me, so she really is here just to study, like I said."
"So what exactly happened then?" Peter prodded.
"Well, nothing much, really," Sirius stammered, feeling suddenly extremely uncomfortable speaking about what had happened between him and Rose, and he wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because of the waves of unease he could feel practically radiating off of the werewolf seated next to him, nearly singeing his entire right side with the heat of the boy's discomfort. It was so obvious, why hadn't Peter and James noticed anything? Without even looking, Sirius could tell that Remus would be curled in on himself, hunched over the book he would be clutching in white-knuckled hands.
Why was Remus so upset?
A moment later, Sirius confirmed what he had already known he would see with a glance to the right. Moony was sitting bent over a book grasped in pale hands, head lowered and curls swinging loose to shield his face from sight.
Momentarily overcome with the urge to sweep the bronze fringe aside, Sirius fought it as he turned his gaze from the other boy. As his eyes landed on Rose Palmer and found her staring directly at him once again, he groaned internally and immediately regretted looking away from Remus. Was Sirius really the reason the girl was in the library? Had she followed him there? Was she following him around the school? Had she possibly somehow already memorized his schedule and mapped out his most common hangouts and routes to class?
But the next second he knew he was being ridiculous. Just because that was what James did with Evans did not mean that everybody was just as unbalanced. No, it was most likely just a coincidence that she was there.
After all, it was not like he had ever promised her anything.
"Well," the single word sliced through his thoughts and he turned his attention to James. "Whatever little happened between the two of you, she clearly wants more."
"Too bad for her," Sirius said, attempting to smirk. He had a feeling he failed. "I never promised her anything."
And at those words, Remus finally looked up. His head jerked up from its lowered position facing his lap to stare at Sirius with such a pained expression that Sirius nearly reached out to him in comfort, but the next second the appearance of hurt was washed away by a look of pure outrage.
"Yes, too bad for her, isn't it, Padfoot?" Remus snapped angrily, glaring at him. "But maybe next time you could try telling them before you fuck them that you have absolutely no intention of ever wanting it to be anything more, yeah?"
The other three boys sat in stunned silence. An angry Remus was a rare thing, indeed, but none of them had ever seen him lose his temper with Sirius before. Sirius could feel his mouth hanging open as he stared at the furious boy in surprise. Remus never snapped at him, never got annoyed with him, and had certainly never yelled at him in genuine irritation before.
And before Sirius could even attempt to think of a response, Remus was shoving his things back into his bag. "Whatever," he muttered as he stood, not looking back as he strode away from them all and disappeared.
"What the bloody fuck was that about?" Sirius wondered in a shocked voice. He tossed the hair from his eyes in attempted casual indifference but knew by his stiff movements that it was far from his usual best.
"Beats the hell out of me," James shrugged, turning to look at Peter, who was looking as nonplussed as Sirius felt.
"Maybe he's just stressed," Wormtail suggested.
"It is a full moon in a couple days," James added with a significant look.
"Or maybe it's something else," Sirius mused. "Should I, you know, go see what's wrong? Or do you guys think he wants space right now?"
"Maybe I should go instead," James volunteered, already rising from his seat. "He's probably in the dorm; I'll find him and talk to him."
"Well, if you're leaving and I don't have to be here anymore, then I'm sure as hell not staying," said Sirius, gathering up his belongings.
Nodding, Peter automatically followed and the three of them left the library—James staring at Evans the entire time they passed her table, causing him to stumble into Peter and nearly trip the both of them—and headed back to the Tower.
Once there, Sirius nudged a second-year from his favorite armchair by the fire and settled into his place, glancing around with a sigh. Peter had already copied him and evicted the latest occupant of the armchair next to Sirius from their seat. As his gaze flicked around the familiar noisy room, he found that his mind could only focus on one thing: just what the hell was going on with Remus?
A/N: And that concludes chapter numero uno on this lovely newly-embarked adventure of ours! What did the internet think?
(If your complaint is that there isn't enough smut, I know, I know, that will all be along later.)
Lemme know your thoughts, lovers!
Until the next update, this mischief has been managed :)