Finn and Artie were sitting in the middle of the auditorium waiting for the first audition for the school musical. They had been looking at a paper with the names of the people auditioning trying to see if they could map out who could be who. They did have one set role: Blaine Anderson was Danny Zuko.
The band was ready. They had gotten song choices earlier in the day from the people selected to audition that day. First off: Blaine Anderson singing "Hopelessly Devoted to You"
And then, there he was. Dapper, confident, and pretty much the perfect leading man. Blaine Anderson was really quite the guy. Vocally one of the best members of Glee clubs, he could act, and dance as well. Probably the most well rounded member of the group. Which is why, when the unthinkable happened, it wasn't hard for everyone to know what was going on.
Blaine walks onto the stage, waves at Finn and Artie, and stands behind his microphone. The band begins playing behind him, his queue is coming up, and he misses it. That's when the directors see it. Blaine's face is pale, all color drained. His breathing seems uneven; his eyes glassy, he is gripping the microphone stand in clenching fists that tremble slightly. Finn and Artie have never ever seen Blaine nervous like this, especially not on a stage. Then the unthinkable happens.
"I'm sorry Finn, Artie… b-but, I can't … I can't do this" Blaine says taking a step back, and then running off the stage.
It really comes as a shock to them that it actually happened.
"This is not happening" Finn said looking at the empty stage.
"Quoting the very famous Scotty from Star Trek, the probability of Blaine being unable to sing anything is like 'trying to hit a bullet with a smaller bullet whilst wearing a blindfold, riding a horse.'" Artie said, same deadpanned look to his face. "We now have no lead male"
"We could always get one of the other guys"
"Yeah, sure"
Although the Glee guys all had other ideas for roles, Finn managed to solve the Danny Zuko problem without that many issues. But he wasn't as oblivious as people thought he was. Blaine was not getting any better. In fact, he was steadily getting worse.
Grease was a hit. People loved it, even when there were several compromises. Unique was pulled out from playing Rizzo by his parent's, they had to get Sam to play two roles, because it was impossible to convince Blaine to play even teen angel; but still, the play was amazing. Mr. Shue then departed for Washington, and Finn was poised to run Glee club for him in his absence. The first meeting was… discomforting.
As a Glee club member, Finn had always enjoyed the impromptu numbers based off recent popular songs, so, for a weekly assignment, he was ditching the assignment part, and instead, the Glee club would meet in the choir room, every day that week after school, and perform either group or solo numbers, randomly selected from a hat, in an effort to make it a loose week, and having fun. They could always prepare for sectionals and practice the following week. This week was about fun. But not every member seemed to feel that at all.
That Monday, he explained, and in an effort to begin the week, he got the hat and drew the first choice. The song was going to be One Republic's "Good Life." They would be using the solo arrangement.
"And the first soloist is… " Finn said as he picked a paper. "Blaine Anderson!"
The room clapped for him, but the moment it quieted down, Blaine, shuffling in his seat, managed to mumble. "I'm sorry… I don't feel up to it today" The room went dead quiet, and after a few seconds. "In fact, I'm not feeling well, I'm just going to head home early" he said, and stood and left quickly.
Blaine didn't think anyone noticed how he teared up, but he was very wrong. Finn saw his eyes, and knew exactly why.
Blaine went straight home, for once thankful his parent's barely spent any time at their Westerville home at all, and into his lonely room. He collapsed on the bed, openly crying now, moving to curl himself on his side, sobs now wrecking his body. The only reason he probably stopped sobbing was maybe that he fell asleep, only to be woken by dreams and nightmares of Kurt leaving him, only to realize that Kurt didn't entirely leave him. Blaine screwed up and pushed him away. The words from the day of the musical still cause havoc over his memories. 'I can't trust you anymore.' Kurt had told him, and who could blame him. Blaine cheated… he hooked up with someone else… someone who wasn't Kurt. He may feel bad about it, he may feel tainted and broken by it, but he deserved that. He didn't deserve Kurt at all… Another restless night, of crying a sleeping, and waking suddenly when the nightmares were too much.
It was soon something every one noticed. Blaine's perfectly gelled hair, often in disarray. He would often just leave school early, and most teachers didn't have the heart to write him up or report him because it was a sorry sight. The five o'clock shadow darkened. His homework disappeared. Often found asleep in class. His gym teacher noticed his lack of stamina, and most others noticed the weight drop. Emma tried getting him into her office, and it was pointless since he wasn't even really talking back much aside from monosyllabic phrases. Finn noticed that after a couple of weeks just sitting in the choir room and leaving early, Blaine stopped showing up. Sam was forced to call Artie to help him run some stuff that came up for the senior class president to run, and Tina spent a lot of time with Brittany trying to get Blaine to eat during lunch. Finn knew he had hit rock bottom when he was called into Sue's office one day, only to find a serious looking Sue Sylvester, and a Slumped over Blaine.
"Hello Man-child in training. I have called you to my office to discuss the other gay" Sue said nodding towards Blaine. Her insults, merely a façade. "I saw helmet head here being pushed to the lockers by one of the football meatheads and well after sending that one to detention for being a homophobe, I helped up this sack of bones, and noticed his completely apathy and utter disarray of self"
"Blaine, what happened?" Finn asked, trying to see if he would say something today.
"Locker-checked"
"Did you get hurt?"
"No"
"Do feel like talking about it? Maybe with Ms. Pillsbury?"
"No" Blaine said, and then sighing. "Can I just go? I'm fine"
"Well grease head, you may leave, but the next time a jock pushes you or does anything you come directly to this office" Sue said, and after a nod Blaine left. "I thought you might want to do something about this, considering he is your friend" Sue said at Finn.
"We aren't that close. He was dating Kurt, who just happens to be my brother, and well, he isn't really speaking to anyone"
"Yes, I did hear about Porcelain's dumping of the cheater" Sue said. "Is Porcelain taking it this bad?"
"He's sad, and I can tell he is tired, but he is happy with work, and he is practicing for his winter audition at NYADA when he can" Finn said thoughtfully. "If anything, Kurt seems to be moving on"
"While other gay seems to get worse by the week"
Finn didn't like what Sue said, but he left the office not knowing what to do. At this point, Blaine wasn't taking care of himself, and who knew how far this could go. He did the only thing he could imagine possible.
Blaine woke up that Friday morning crying already. On top of that he was also hard. It had been a particularly good dream of Kurt, until the very end, when all he could hear in his head was 'I can't trust you anymore.' Hence the waking up crying. He was also too tired to get from the bed, so he uncomfortably turned on his side, and just went back to sleep, it's not like anyone would miss him at school.
A few hours later he woke up to another dream, or his dreams were just becoming more realistic. Kurt was there, with Blaine's head on his lap, stroking his hair, and wiping his face of the tear tracks left there from the restless sleep he was constantly trapped in. Then Blaine realized it. He was awake, and Kurt was really there. His breath hitched, and became a little more labored. Blaine's chest felt like a weight had been dropped on it. It hurt to breathe at this point.
"Kurt…" he started, his voice raspy from probably crying and yelling himself to sleep. "Why are you here?"
"Finn called. He said you weren't doing ok"
Blaine looked down. Kurt was here from a summon. Finn was worried. Kurt was here to appease Finn. Tears started running again.
"It was an understatement on Finn's part… " Kurt continued. "You are a wreck"
Somehow, all the pain Blaine had been feeling sneaked in at once, and it made him angry. Here he was, crying, barely sleeping, never eating much, down, depressed, too damn sad to care; and here was Kurt, as perfect as always.
"Why do you care anymore?" Blaine said, his tone ice. He moved away from Kurt and scooted to the opposite edge of the bed. "You left me, you didn't look back and just left. And I was alone all the time... I'm there at that school with guys shoving me to lockers, and people …calling me f-fag under their breath. Running for …school president, and only winning because S-sam was running with me… and Brittany threw it all away. And y-you are in N-new York and with your job… and you don't need me anymore, and y-you could just g-go and move on, while I'm here in a school I only decided to… transfer to, to be close to you" Blaine said, his breath now preventing him from saying the sentences all straight. His tears falling freely. "And w-why wouldn't y-you leave… I-I am a s-screw up. Here I a-am… surrounded with people, …friends, and yet because y-you weren't h-here… for a couple of weeks I-I go to someone else like a weak-kling, l-like a needy… weak person. And n-now I know w-why y-you can move on, cause you are K-kurt and you are amazing and I-I just don't deserve you at all, God I am so pathetic to even think…"
Blaine was stopped from his rant by a pair of arms wrapping themselves around him.
"Please stop Blaine, please" Kurt said, he was also crying. "God, Blaine, I was so scared when Finn called me"
"w-what?"
"He said you weren't doing ok, and it all started after New York, and that you weren't singing or doing anything, and you weren't taking care of yourself, and h my God, I thought… I still love you Blaine, more than I can possibly understand why, and the reason I can work and seem like I'm moving on, is because I feel like if I stop doing all these things, I'll come home and think and remember and I'll break"
"Kurt…"
"God, I want to hate you for what you did, and I wish I could, but I still love you so much, and I miss you, cause you were also my best friend, and now I feel alone, and drowning and hurt, and …" Kurt said but took a breath before he continued more calmly. "I'm hurt"
"I'm…"
"Stop. Let me finish. I'm hurt because of what you did. I feel like I can't trust you anymore, and that maybe this was a mistake and we should have taken a break when I moved to New York… and then there is the other stuff. I didn't care"
"I don't understand"
"I've been living my life in New York, and letting you come into it, and telling you stories, but never did I care about asking about what was going on here aside from what you volunteered. I forgot what McKinley was like, and never did I think about what would happen when you were the only out gay kid at school…"
"No Kurt… I wanted you to go to New York, and enjoy it. This is all my fault. Because I'm weak. I ran away to Dalton, and when things got hard between you and me I ran to Eli…I am so sorry Kurt… I-I think you should go back to New York now"
"What?"
"I don't deserve you, and you deserve a lot better than me… "
"But I want you Blaine" Kurt said. "You are anything but weak."
"Bu…" Blaine started before Kurt interrupted him.
"You are strong Blaine. It's … It's so hard to be who you are in this school with people beating you down for it, and the fact that you chose to come here from a place like Dalton… you are strong. And yes, it's going to be different now, cause I need to trust you again, and we are probably going to have to take a break from a relationship for a while until we know how to handle being apart as friends, but none of that will matter unless you take care of yourself…"
"Friends?"
"I think that's what's best for us now… I don't know… I need to trust you again, and we need to balance being apart…"
"No. Not friends. I can't just be your friend Kurt. I love you too much. And I hate myself for what I did."
"Don't, please don't… it was bad and wrong, but don't hate yourself. I don't"
"I did this to us Kurt"
"We both did."
"No… this is all on me"
"So what, I go back to New York and you continue this?!"
"No… I'll get better, I swear… but I … I can't just be your friend. I'm fine with taking it slow, but not apart."
"Then what?"
"Let's go back to the beginning… when it was just nice, and uncomplicated, and move forward"
"I've changed…"
"So have I, that's why we start again, because we need to remember the people that we were and meet the ones we have become" Blaine said, noticing that not once has Kurt moved away or let him go. They were still in each other's arms.
"Ok… but, you need to start eating, and going to class, and taking care of yourself, because Blaine, this is going to kill you. And you need sleep"
"I have nightmares…" Blaine said looking down.
"Come here" Kurt said, laying down on the bed and opening his arms.
Blaine moved forward laying down next to him, laying his head on Kurt's chest.
"This won't be easy" Blaine said.
"I know"
"We will probably fight again"
"I know"
"I don't want to hurt you ever again"
"I know"
"I want us to work"
"Me too"
"I love you, Kurt"
"I love you too, Blaine."