Frozen
By Didi
Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel; I don't know how many times or how many ways I'm going to have to say that. (I try never to make each disclaimer look exactly a like. It's too boring.) I have a jar of pennies and several quarters for laundry, but other than that, nothing. Don't sue; I'm making no money from this little exercise in bad writing.
Summery: Like meets like and learns a little lesson.
Timeline: Following the "She Lays with Angels" arch in Uncanny X-Men No. 441. For those out there that aren't following that storyline, Josh Guthrie found the love of his life then promptly lost her in a very 'Romeo and Juliet' – like fashion. Josh, younger bother of Sam and Paige Guthrie for those that didn't know, have developed some mutant powers very similar to that Warren Worthington, the X-Man Angel, including a very nice set of feather wings and healing powers that keep him from dying. (Suicide is difficult when you just keep healing and coming back to life.) Now, I've decided that he needs to get away from everything; hence this little stay in the X-Mansion for a little time away from home and to mourn in peace.
Author's Note: Absolutely a stand alone. No relation to any of my current X-Men series. I'm not sure why I decided to do an outside piece but I did. It came to my while I was doing yoga, go figure.
~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~
It was almost five... in the morning. Paige had said that the school generally doesn't get noisy until eight, when all the students sudden rush up and remember that they have to get to class in five minutes. As the past two day has proven, his sister was right.
Josh paddled his way through the silent halls, aware behind several of the doors laid some of the most powerful mutant alive, including Wolverine, Nightcrawler, Polaris and Cyclopes. Also warned was the amount of sensitive and highly dangerous things that may be kept behind the reinforced doors in the X-Men's underground command base. He was careful never to 'accidentally' find himself in any place he knew he didn't belong.
Perhaps coming to the Massachusetts wasn't such a hot idea after all. The house needed rebuilding, Warren Worthington had immediately seen to that little project; his mother was still grieving the loss of Ray, he should go back for the funeral; his brothers and sisters could use him around to comfort them after the scare, though they've grown quite accustom to such unusual events now having lived through Sam and Paige's leaving home to join the X-Men. Not that being here was all that better, between the offered sympathies and the hushed whispers, he felt like a bug in a jar. But he couldn't stay in Kentucky. There were just too many memories there that haunted him, taunted him. Every step he took was a stab in the heart, a little grain of salt on the fresh wound that still bled in his dreams. Every where he went, he saw her. Julia.
Pretty Julia.
His Julia.
Only she wasn't really there. She wasn't anywhere now. She was just gone.
In his eyes, he could still see her; so peaceful in sleep… in death. And every time he remembered, he wanted to die.
But no. God's cruel little joke upon him. Bring him beauty and wonder then take it back, leaving him hanging there, wishing he could be with her once more. Only he can't. He can't die… couldn't die, no matter how hard he tried – lord how he tried – nothing had worked.
Throat closing against the pain that still threatened to consume him, Josh headed below grounds. He needed to fly; in flight he had freedom from everything, even his own thoughts and memories. But Paige had warned that the sky around here isn't safe the way it was at home, flying solo was a no-no for him and as a guest, he must obey the rules. He was raised that way. But it didn't mean that he couldn't fly; there was always that lovely gymnasium Bobby Drakes had shown him while…
As he drew closer to the gym, music drifted out. It was rock, Blink-182 or maybe the Smashing Pumpkins, but it was definitely rock, not exactly his cup of tea. But as a musician himself, he couldn't help but appreciate the simple rhythm that pulsed, making his heart beat in time with it. Curious as to who would be up at this ungodly hour besides himself, he entered.
The last drum beat fell to greet the lithe figure that sailed through the air, leaving the uneven bars and landing effortlessly on the balls of her feet, arms spread for balance. Then there was silence, a long silence where the girl, for it was obviously a girl, stood still for a moment before walking halfway across the room to the mat on the floor. She didn't even glance in Josh's direction.
The next song rolled in, a ballad this time.
You only see what your
eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open
You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open
Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key
She moved smoothly with the music, a fluid physical manifestation of the melody played. It was a combination of ballet and gymnastic moves that appeared dance-like. A twist of body, a flow of hand, a point of toe, it was all so gracefully beautiful, an innate ability that he was sure was as unconscious to her as breathing.
Now there's no point
in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken
Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You're frozen
When your heart's not open
Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key
It wasn't until she had turned did Josh see that she had her eyes closed. Her face was devoid of all expressions. Yet there was something wonderfully calm about her, like she had not a care in the world as she wrapped herself in the soothing embrace of this world she's created. Somewhere along the way, she had become one with the music. So in tuned with the melody was she that she no longer needed to see for the sound guided her. She dipped when the music did, jumped when the music did and leapt into the freedom of space around her when the music did.
You only see what your
eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open
Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key
If I could melt your heart
As the song ended, she folded herself inward and ended gracefully in a position that Josh will never be able to accomplish in a hundred years even if he were to begin to practice now. For a moment, there was complete and wonder silence that was beautiful as the dance itself. Clapping softly, so not to startle her, Josh let his presence known.
She turned and looked at him.
He was startled to find himself staring into a pair of the most brilliant sapphire blue eyes in the world. Large almond shaped eyes framed by sooty black lashes encased the beautiful blue that was as true as the semi-precise stones that his mother loved so dearly. He decided then and there that it was those guileless eyes that made the thin pale face, with its slightly upturn nose and fully pouty lips, beautiful. "I didn't mean to interrupt."
"You're not," she answered, her expressionless smooth face not giving any of her thoughts away. "Can't sleep?"
"Yeah," but didn't get into it as he watched her straighten into a stand then moved across the room to a bottle of water left beside a lavender towel. "You a dancer?" he asked; he's met plenty of those during his short stay in Nashville.
A soft chuckle of amusement escaped those full lips as she glanced over her shoulder before twisting open the cap of the water bottle. "Once upon a time I might have wanted to be one, or maybe even a gymnast, but that was because life happened."
Josh nodded in perfect agreement and unconsciously flexed his red feathered wings. "Yeah, I know."
Her eyes went to the only outward manifestation of his mutant powers as she drank and Josh braced himself for the inevitable questions and comments of wonder about his powers. In the two years since his wings grew in, Josh was met with one of two reactions: fawning from women over the beauty of them and hatred toward the fact that he was a mutant. Then of course, there was always the inevitable, "What are you doing here?" question that he was obliged to answer; which only led to an even longer conversation that he was tired of having followed by a vocal expression of understanding that they didn't mean. But surprisingly, she said nothing. Placing the bottle back on the ground and wiping her face with the towel, she headed toward the balance beam calmly.
Curious now, Josh followed her and watched as she chalked her hands and lifted herself effortlessly onto the bar, sitting sideways for a moment as she adjusted the ankle brace he was sure was more for 'just in case' then for actual support. "Do you always work out at five in the morning?"
She smiled; a beautiful vision upon that pretty face. "Only time this place is empty, and quiet."
Which was all perfectly true; the school was hardly ever quiet and during the waking hours, one's room was the only place to be alone… if one was fortunate enough not to have a roommate to share the said room with. "Then I guess I'm disturbing you. I'll just…"
"Don't be silly," she interrupted, throwing a smile over her shoulder as she stood up on the balance beam. She bent her knees and flexed her arms in an exercised move that he recognized from Swan Lake. "I enjoy conversation as much as the next person does; intelligent ones anyways. Sometimes it all I can take with all the giggling teens around me."
Lips twitching with amusement, he was silent for a moment as he watched her execute three perfect cartwheels along the beam. He winced as her foot hit the beam and wobbled slightly before righting itself. "Aren't you afraid you'll going to fall?"
Again she gave a soft sound of amusement. "If you don't fall once or twice, how will you become better, stronger?" she asked with a smile as she twisted around on the ball of her right foot and positioned herself once more for the next movement. "They say that if you haven't broken a bone or two, you haven't really tasted the pains of success."
Josh
frowned. She made two half twist turns
on one foot then a full body rotation on the other. Something about the way she said that didn't
jive in his mind. There seemed to be
more to those words that what meets the eyes.
But as she paused on the balance beam, arms outstretched for balance, her
eyes revealed bottomless pools of sincerity.
"And how many bones have you broken."
Her eyes twinkled but it was a
sad dull kind of twinkled that made his heart ached a little for whatever loss
she had felt. "Two." She stood still on the beam; a bittersweet
expression of joy fell across her face, "Two very painful but enlightening breaks."
Again, the hint of doubling meaning was difficult to decipher from those artless eyes that seem to offer sympathy and understanding. Lucinda Guthrie didn't raise dull witted boys. This girl with her youthful face and ageless eyes wasn't just saying it to be kind or because she thought it was what needed to be said; she understood, really understood of the kind of aching pain that sat heavy on his heart. "Did it take you long to heal?"
A soft giggle escaped before she preformed a perfect handless cartwheel on the beam, making Josh gasp in surprise and fear even as he watched her right herself perfectly balanced once more. "You never truly recover." Her smile this time didn't reach her eyes as she searched her thoughts and memories. "You just learn to appreciate what you had before and hope that you come close in the future."
He sat down, allowed his wings to spread their width comfortably behind him and watched as she went through a series of difficult moves as he turned her words over and over again in his mind. "And if you don't?"
"Don't what?" two frontal flips followed immediately by two back ones.
"Don't ever get back exactly the…"
"You can never be exactly the same," she interjected with a raised brow. "But would you want to? Would you want to forget the struggles that you went through, the perfection you found before a fall took it away?"
It wasn't the question that made him think, it was the way challenging way she said it; positively daring him to say yes but knowing that he couldn't. How could he ever wish to forget his Julia? His Pretty Julia. His Angel. He would as soon cut out his own heart than let go of those brief beautiful moments in her arms, in her eyes, in her very soul.
"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger," the girl interrupted his thoughts as she jumped gracefully from the beam and headed toward her water bottle once more.
"Have you? Have you grown stronger?" he wanted to know. He didn't feel stronger. In fact, he felt weak. He felt weak without his Julia.
"Yes," she replied without hesitation. "Because I know that a part of me will always remember what it was like before the fall, how beautiful it had been. And I will strive to get back to that place once more. Because it is expected of me. I expect it for me. And so would those that love you."
The nod was his only answer as he reached over and handed her the towel. Julia would expect him to be… because she loved him. "What was that song you were playing earlier?"
She glanced at him as she swung the towel around her neck, beginning to stretch and warm down. "It was Frozen, by Madonna."
It was apt. "Nice song."
"I thought so," she replied with a smile once more. "The gym is all yours."
"Thanks," getting up slowly, somewhat regretful that he was about to lose her company, and her unassuming wisdom. "By the way, I'm Josh."
Her lips curled as she headed toward the door. "I know."
He wasn't the least bit surprised at that. There weren't exactly a whole lot of red winged guys walking around the halls. "I didn't catch your name."
She paused at the door, one hand on the frame as she was about to slip out. "That's because I didn't give it," and inclined her head to him. "If you keep yourself frozen in that moment of the fall, you might as well have died. 'Dance as if no one were watching, sing as if no one were listening, and live every day as if it were your last.' Your dad, and probably Julia, would have wanted it that way. Good night, Josh," then disappeared.
He stood there a full minute, watching the empty doorway in a stunned silence as he allowed the words to sink in. Death was easy; it was so much easier if he had just gone with her. Living was hard; living was so hard without her. But the girl was right, if he stayed forever locked in that moment when all was lost, he might as well have died… for it certainly won't be living.
Taking to the sky, he took a deep breath and released it slowly, feeling some of the aching pain that's sat on him for days now lessen. Julia. His pretty Julia. She was watching him from above, he was sure.
~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~
Okay, for those of you that read the story arch, I know that Julia did the whole Juliet thing for Josh and that was totally opposite of what is being advocated here in the story. But for story purposes, let's just assume that that the intent was there and she was weaker than Josh needs to be. In retrospect, the end of that arch had a lovely little 'voice over' that kind of said that she wanted Josh to be happy and free and to go on with his life. So anyways…