This is On Pain of Deth, my first fanfic. I only own Wolfe and the camera mentioned within. I regret nothing.

Chapter 1: Closet Shenanigans.

In a hallway in Hogwarts, there was a supply closet. Inside this closet, many things happened. Mops were stored, bleach was left, and pot was smoked. But the most infamous things that happened in this closet were exploited by none other than Wolfe Jercries and Hermione Granger. To this day, both of them are considered retarded for what they did. I will tell you now, it wasn't pretty, or a school project, as Wolfe insisted it was.

"Wolfe, I understand what you're doing, but why?"

"Shits and giggles, Hermione. Shits and giggles," answered Wolfe as he set up a video camera in aforementioned closet.

"Wolfe…It's just a closet."

"Or so it would seem…"

"…"

"…Nah, it's a closet. But I just want to find out what happens if I leave this camera in here for a couple of days."

"You'd get more action from the Great Hall at night, you know."

Wolfe nodded absently, as he was adjusting the camera, then realized what Hermione said, "Wait…what?"

"Never mind."

The two left the closet, going their separate ways. Wolfe went to the bathroom to kick the doors in, and Hermione went to bitch and moan to Harry about how painful her period was.

An hour passed. A sewer rat ran past the closet, closely pursued by Crabbe and Goyle, both of who had mallets.

Then Neville appeared on the stairs, dragging the unconscious body of none other than Ron Weasley, who was so dumb he actually fell into the trap Neville had set for him. It involved a tree branch and a few well-placed pictures of scantily clad women. Neville, sweating profusely, dragged his not awake "friend" into the legendary closet, and then locked himself in.

Now, it must be mentioned that Neville was not so lucky with the ladies. He had been turned down so many times, even nerds in LA pitied him. So, faced with the reality that he may never get a girlfriend, let alone laid, he decided to find out what gay sex felt like, starting with his good "friend" Ron.

Suddenly, about to go where only a few guys in Hufflepuff had dared to go before, Neville had second thoughts.

'Wait,' he thought quietly to himself, 'I can get a girlfriend. I'll just ask Wolfe and he can hook me up with someone. Am I really gonna sink this low?'

He looked down at Ron's nude rear end and his own hard member, and then sighed. "Well, maybe just this once."

Soon after, Neville found out it wasn't that bad.

Several hours and a chemical rash due to ammonium later, Neville emerged from the closet and set out to find Wolfe. Ron emerged some time later, wondering aloud why his ass hurt so much. Needless to say, a passing group of first years decided against eating dinner that night.

Another couple of hours passed. Severus Snape strolled past, singing along to his iPod.

"Crank dat soulja boy…"

Finally, Cho Chang walked up and stealthily slipped into the closet. Once inside, she pulled out her wand and started masturbating while staring at a picture of the late great Cedric Diggory.

More time passed. Moans and gasps emitted from the closet. Luckily, the only person to pass by the closet while Cho was in there was none other than Blaise Zabini. He opened the closet to see what was the matter, and found himself suddenly pulled inside and immediately disrobed.

Needless to say, Blaise had a very good day.

And so, the day progressed. The two lovebirds left the closet looking severely disheveled. Later on, Fred, George, and Lee entered the closed to do some LSD. They all left smelling like pussy and tripping balls, the smell courtesy of a small puddle of bodily fluids that Cho forgot to clean up.

Some more time passed. The sun began to sink below the horizon. Then, lo and behold, there came one Draco Malfoy. Pretending to be on rounds, he easily cleared the hallway with some sharp words to the third and first years so he could sneak into the closet. Once inside, he shoved his wand up his ass and jacked off to a picture of Hermione in a bathing suit, courtesy of Argus Filch's confiscated items….'r Us. A subsidiary of Weasley & Weasley, Inc.

Then came Wolfe and Hermione, to recover the camera of shame.

"Wolfe," Hermione whispered, "I think someone's in there…"

"TIME'S UP, BITCH!" Wolfe yelled, kicking the closet door in, KO'ing Malfoy.

"…"

"…"

"…Is that-"

"Yeah…Hey, the camera!" Wolfe picked up the camera and checked it. "…Everything's there."

"You really think we can blackmail all these people?"

"Said the girl to the guy to blackmailed Severus Snape. Twice."

"Good point. Should we leave him like this?"

"Yeah. It'll add to the scandal."

And so, Wolfe and Hermione headed for the stairs, full of triumph. However, the night had one more surprise for the duo, in the form of Seamus, who was heading their way.

"Hey, Wolfe."

"What, Seamus?"

"Dean wanted me to ask you something."

"What?"

"Are your balls hanging out?"

"…What the fuck?"

And that's all for Chapter one. Thank you, good afternoon to you.

Review, flame, whatever. Do what you want.