Echoes

Chapter 1

Reid turned the page slowly. His mother's journals were so full of the unexpected.

He recalled their final moments together….Reid, holding his mother, JJ reading her to her rest. When she was done, JJ quietly closed the book and moved over to Reid. He lay there, eyes closed, an indeterminate expression on his face.

JJ gently laid her hand on his shoulder. "Spence."

When he looked at her, she spoke to him with her eyes. He nodded slightly, and moved out from beside his mother and into JJ's arms. She held him even after he made to let go, knowing he would need her strength even more than he realized.

Dr. Carson entered the room and confirmed that Diana was gone. He shook Reid's hand, offering his consolation. "Dr. Reid, I'm so sorry about your loss. For all of the problems she'd had in her life, she seemed quite a formidable woman."

Reid gave a mild guffaw. "She was definitely that, Dr. Carson. And more. Thank you for all you did for her, and especially for keeping her comfortable."

"Have you thought about arrangements, Dr. Reid?"

At that, Reid looked helplessly at JJ, whose nod reassured him she would help. Allowing him a final, lasting glance at his mother, JJ led him from the room. At the hotel, she settled him again on his bed. "At least close your eyes, Spence. You've barely gotten enough rest."

He intended to obey. But before he did, he had something to say. Feeling closer to her than he ever had, Reid stood before her and took both of her hands in his. "JJ, these past few days have been some of the most difficult of my life. I seriously don't think I could have gotten through them without you. 'Thank you' doesn't seem like enough. I…."

JJ interrupted him. "Spence, it's like I told your mother. You're a part of my family now, and this is what families do for one another."

He didn't know she'd said that to Diana. Didn't even know that's how she felt. Especially hadn't known anything close to a family before. Suddenly felt grounded and, oddly,…. home.

After they returned to the hotel, JJ called Hotch to fill him in. As luck would have it, the team was concluding its stay in Arizona in the morning. They would be able to attend Diana's funeral the following day. Even Garcia would have time to get there from Quantico.

JJ was on speaker with the team. "How is he holding up, JJ?" Emily wanted to know.

"He's exhausted, but he's okay. I'm going to try to make sure he gets some sleep tonight. I think he might actually be able to, now that it's over."

Noticing something in her voice, Hotch asked, "JJ, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine, Hotch. I think I'm still processing, so I'm sure Reid is as well. It…..I….it was a privilege to be there for both Reid and his mother. So incredibly sad, but also so beautiful….."

"JJ, you take care of yourself and Reid, now. We'll see you tomorrow," said Morgan.

"Give him our best, JJ," added Rossi.

"And hugs from all of us-to both of you!" from Emily, "and thank you, JJ, for being there with him."

The following day, Emily delivered her hugs in person. Reid looked pale and, impossibly, thinner than usual. Can that happen in only three days? But he seemed to be holding together well. She noticed JJ seemed a little protective-a hand on his arm, moving someone along when the conversation went too long-or too deep. And Reid seemed to settle into it, to feel more comfortable and more confident when she was around.

The memorial service was held at Bennington, to allow those fellow patients who'd grown fond of Diana to attend. Reid was surprised at how many staff attended as well.

"We greatly respected your mother, Dr. Reid." He had been approached by one of the head nurses. "She was clearly a very intelligent person who was trapped in a circumstance she would never have chosen. On her good days, she was a teacher, a listener, even a philosopher. I, personally, had some of the great conversations of my life with her. I learned a lot. I only hope that, in turn, I was able to help her when she needed it."

That precipitated mixed feelings from Reid. For much of his life, he'd avoided Bennington, and so hadn't realized the esteem in which his mother was held. That brought the guilt. But the comfort was there in the knowledge that those with her had recognized his mother's gifts despite the illness.

"Thank you for telling me that. I know my mother felt very much at home at Bennington. I'm sure it was due to the care you gave her, and the caring you showed for her."

The hospital chaplain led the service. Reid, though uncertain about being able to get through it, had decided he needed to give the eulogy. He kept it brief. His mother's fellow patients didn't all share her long attention span.

As he rose to speak, Reid noticed that the team were all sitting together, providing a visual anchor for him. JJ gave him an encouraging smile and nod. Clearing his throat, he began. "Thanks to all of you for being here today, and for everything you did for my mother along the way. My family-my mother and I-couldn't have gotten through the past twelve years without it."

He went on. "Diana Reid was an incredible woman. None of us here, including myself, knew her before she was ill, but she did have a life before that. And she was strong enough to find a life after it. As a young girl, Diana was an athlete, a scholar, and a gifted cellist. She earned a degree in literature from the University of Nevada, with a plan to have a writing career. But she fell ill shortly after graduating college and marrying her husband…..my father."

It was subtle, but there was still bitterness evident in those final words. The team had already noticed that William Reid was not in attendance.

Reid went on, "Schizophrenia is a terrifying illness. Those who suffer it daily face a kind of nightmare from which they cannot awaken. Thankfully, there is treatment, and for a time, it worked for my mother. But then she found herself pregnant…..with me. And this woman," and here his voice faltered, "this woman, my mother, voluntarily stopped her treatment so that I could be born healthy. And in doing so she fell back into her nightmare. "

He had to pause for a moment, trying to regain his composure. "I can only hope one day to have the kind of courage she had, to sacrifice myself for the sake of someone else."

The members of the team found themselves remembering the several times they'd seen Reid do just that. Now they understood it was a family trait.

Reid continued, "That's really the whole story. A woman with tremendous talents fought valiantly with a disease, refused to become defeated by it, and succeeded in affecting the life of every person present here today. If the purpose of life is to make a difference, then my mother, Diana, fulfilled her purpose. I loved her and admired her. I will miss her tremendously. I am proud to be known as her son."

Reid shuffled back to his seat. He'd already spent all his tears. Now he was just overwhelmingly tired.

After the chaplain said a final few words, the gathering broke up. Reid planned to remain in Las Vegas to handle some legal details and go through his mother's things. There hadn't been room for all that much at Bennington, but she did have a substantial collection of books and the many journals she'd kept all her life. JJ was hesitant to leave Reid alone so soon after his loss, but he insisted she go with the team. Henry was due home from New Orleans in two days and, as Reid reminded her, probably needed to see his mother just as much as she needed to see him. And so, with a final hug, she made him promise to come and visit with Henry as soon as he got back to Virginia.

At the hotel, Reid opened one of his mother's boxes and simply stared at the journals. He'd never been privy to them before, and didn't know how he felt about it now. It seemed like an invasion of privacy, even though his mother was gone…but it also seemed like, perhaps, a final gift from mother to son.

Gently, he took out an early journal. It looked like she'd started writing in high school, and had kept with it as often as she felt well enough…..and, judging from some of the later journal entries, even when she hadn't felt well at all. The early entries were full of the hopes, wishes, plans and dreams typical of youth. They reflected a healthy Diana that Reid had never really known, and he found himself mourning the loss of the person he'd never met. The ongoing grief and fatigue won out, and he fell asleep, dreaming of the young woman who had not yet met her demons.

Reid awakened to the ringing of his phone. Checking the caller ID, he answered groggily, "Good morning, JJ. What's up?"

"Well, not you, I guess. Sorry, Spence, I thought I was taking the time difference into account. It sounds like I woke you."

"I think it all just caught up with me and I crashed last night. I'm actually glad you called. I needed to get up. What's going on?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to check on you. I felt bad leaving you alone out there. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, JJ, thanks. I was just reading through some of my mom's journals last night. Today I meet with an estate lawyer-not that there's much of an estate-and then I'll head home tomorrow. "

JJ heard something in his voice. "Are you okay….you know, with reading the journals?"

He hadn't planned to bring it up, but was glad of the opportunity to verbalize his reactions. "I feel like I'm meeting a whole new person, like I'm meeting who she really was…or was meant to be…..until the schizophrenia hit her. And it's just strange, because she seems sort of like the person I knew, and sort of not. I don't know how to feel about that. I mean, I am who I am because of who she was, you know? But maybe she wasn't really meant to be the person I ended up knowing."

"I know it's not quite what you're talking about, Spence, but don't you think that's true of all of us? Aren't we all shaped by all of the experiences of our lives? So maybe she was really both the person you're reading about and the person you remember."

There was a pause, and then, "JJ, I think I need some coffee before continuing this conversation any further."

That made her laugh. "Too heavy, too early in the morning, even for Dr. Spencer Reid! Listen, Spence, I just wanted to say hi…and to remind you that you have a standing invitation to come and see Henry…and me….when you get back. Henry gets home in the morning. I can't wait!"

Reid was smiling. "Neither can I. Can I take you guys to breakfast on Saturday?"

"As long as it's chocolate chip pancakes, I think Henry will be happy. We'll see you then. Spence? Take care of yourself, please."

"Will do, ma'am. Thanks, JJ. I really do appreciate…..everything."