Title: Yogurt Covered Pretzels
Author: Chloe-Bee
Summary: A Jessie piece. What's the typical day like for an anorexic teen?
Notes: okay, don't shoot me! I have never seen "Once and Again" (gasp!), but I recently became a fan of Evan Rachel Wood, and saw some clips of her work, read some transcripts, and let's just say, I hope I nail the characterization. I've done my best without having seen the show.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Small pale hands reached out and hit the repeat button on a personal cd player. The nails were covered in purple nail polish, and parts of the paint had been scratched off, marring the surface of the color. Making it cut up. Making it look worn and untidy.
Making it imperfect.
Jessie Sammler's features screwed up in irritation as she brushed her pointer finger over each digits surface, mentally adding another task to her list of errands and 'assignments' that needed to be done that evening.
Draping her gym towel quickly over her svelte form, she uncomfortably tried to shield her body from the eyes of the other members in her P.E. class. In one deft moment, she pulled her green and white soccer jersey over her head, and relaxed somewhat once it was securely buttoned up.
*Now for the pants!*
A voice broke through her thoughts.
"Markson! You are late! And Sammler - can I see you for a minute please?"
A few kids fell into the typical "ooohing" pattern so common of the immature, but most were pleasantly quiet.
Jessie bit back a groan, turned off her music, and stashed her backpack, jeans and turtleneck in her locker, before lacing up her sneakers and trotting over to her physical education teachers office.
The door was open, and she went in with feigned temerity.
"Ms. Patterson?"
"Come in Jessie."
And she did - plopping her thin self down in a padded chair; she found herself wrapping one golden curl around her finger. It was an anxious habit.
Tightening it, and tightening it, and then - releasing it.
Her finger had gone blue and red where she had cut off the circulation.
"What is this about?" She kept her eyes on her finger. She also managed to keep her voice steady.
"You've missed a few classes Jessie. Is everything ok?"
Terribly kind.
*Don't pity me*
"Fine. Appointments." Her own voice was more abrupt than she would have liked. It made her responses sound all the more suspicious.
"Really?"
Blue eyes met brown for the first time.
"Really! I was at my doctor's. The receptionist couldn't fit me in at a better time."
The teacher's lips pursed together in concentration.
"You were at the doctors office three times in one week? At the same time every other day?"
Skepticism.
Great.
Just great.
Now she'd have to explain herself.
"I was seeing my counselor." Ok - so that wasn't the technical term.
In fact, it was rarely used anymore. Except within the school system.
Which prompted yet another question. Jesus - couldn't this woman take a hint?
"Jess. You just said-"
The teen cut the adult off midway.
"My therapist? He's a psychiatrist. A *doctor*. He had to take a more severe case during our original time slot. It should be sorted out by next week."
The words were ground out. She just wanted to get out of there. Even soccer sounded like fun right about now.
The teacher, however, had other ideas.
"And do you think they - these visits - do you think they are helping you? Because you have had some fainting spells recently-"
God. Who did she think SHE was? A shrink?
Her next response was short and sweet, yet tempered by politeness. She had been taught well. She was Karen's daughter, all right.
"I guess they are helping. And I fainted - twice, yes. But only because I didn't drink enough water. I told you that. May I please return to the gym now?"
End of discussion. She had a way of terminating any conversation.
It was a gift, really.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
She waited until she got home to use the shower. Communal showers?
*I don't think so*
Darting through the door, she was greeted by her father and Eli.
"Hey, slow down Cricket! Can't you give your Dad a hug?"
"Dad? I must smell from gym. I'm getting a shower. THEN I'll give you a hug."
She passed a knowing look to Eli. Ever since she had relapsed six weeks ago, and they had found her lunches festering away in the compost, all uneaten, they had started watching her like a hawk again. Her doctor had also suggested that she see him three times a week, and not just on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons anymore.
Physical gestures were also on the rise. And she knew why. If they touched her, they could determine if she was loosing more weight, or if she was making progress and gaining.
Even Zoe was getting in on it. ZOE! And she wasn't even family. Not really. Eli tried to be more tactful about it all.
Basketball slung under his arm, he addressed his little sister amicably.
"You don't look sweaty or gross to me, Jess."
His comment was returned with a searing death glare from the 5 ft 2 dynamo.
"Aww, come on. I just thought you'd like to shoot some hoops! But, if you have to get your shower right now, like you always do, I guess you'll miss out."
She flashed him a smile, paced over to the fridge, grabbed her water bottle, and scurried out the back door, right behind her brother.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Okay. Are we playing to 21?"
Jessie nodded, her face severe, probably taking the game a little too seriously. Her hair whipped around her face, the curled edges tickling her chin. She swiped at the stray strands that had blown over her lips and had become stuck to her cherry balmed lips.
Eli passed the ball to her for the first shot, speaking calmly as he did.
"You know, you gotta lighten up on Dad. He's just concerned about you."
She stood where she was - eyes plastered on the asphalt, hands buoying up and down as she dribbled the orange orb.
"He doesn't have to be concerned. I'm fine." Her expression, however, belied her words.
Elias Sammler had had enough. "Damnit Jessie! You aren't fine! You never eat, for cripes sake! How is that fine!?"
She had really thought he had been giving her an out. She had really thought he cared about not pushing her, giving her space.
Guess not.
"I don't have to stay here and-"
"And what Jessie? "Take this"? Like it's abuse? Why can't you just eat something and put everyone at ease?"
Her eyes flashed fire. "Oh! You want to talk about doing what is GOOD for you? Why do you hole yourself up in your room and smoke pot every five minutes if you care about putting anyone's mind at ease?!"
Her anger swelling, she threw the ball to him, and stalked back to the house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
She was cold. So cold.
Turning the metal taps clockwise, a blast of hot water surged through the faucet and covered her from head to toe.
Getting very dizzy all of a sudden, she dropped to her knees, and encircled her legs with her rail thin arms. Tears flooded to her eyes, and she cried under the blast - knowing that this was the only time she could be alone and in total privacy.
Since someone was always barging into her room, and would see her even if they couldn't HEAR her over the volume of whatever musical selection she would choose to drown out her sobbing, the only place of real security that remained was the bathroom.
Wiping her eyes, she laughed a teary laugh at the silliness of trying to 'dry ones eyes' in a shower, while phlegm and tears and bile swirled down the drain.
Now to clean up.
Grabbing a hold of the pineapple scented body wash; she liberally applied it to her skin and almost violently scrubbed with her lufah.
Rinsing the shampoo from her tresses, she rose slowly, and emerged from the tub, yanking a pink terry cloth robe from the metal hanger that had been left hanging over the hamper.
Knotting the sash, she unhurriedly walked back to her bedroom, pulling a small sport bra, socks, underwear, and her pajamas from the dresser before shutting the door.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A scrunchie kept her hair out of her face, and she entered the kitchen almost cautiously.
Lily and her father did their pathetic lovey-dovey dance around the other as they set the table, and Grace begrudgingly moved her sketchpad and pens at her mother's request.
Zoe sat on her haunches with a game boy in hand. Eli, who had just sauntered into the dining room, plunked himself down and started eating from his dish with great speed and ease.
"Jessie! Hey honey. This is your seat." Her father addressed her much too enthusiastically for her liking.
Jessie could see her plate was the only plate that was barren of food. She looked up at Lily questioningly.
"We thought you'd prefer to serve yourself", the brunette replied calmly.
Jessie sat down awkwardly. It was bad enough that Eli and her dad and mom hovered over her! Yet, even though she got along with Grace and Zoe now, and Lily for that matter, they still made dinners so much more stress inducing.
Sitting stiffly, Jessie asked for the green beans, and flooded her plate with them, leaving no space for the vegetarian lasagna or the hash browns.
Grace had the good sense to keep quiet, but Rick didn't.
"Sweetie? Lily made the lasagna specifically with you in mind. Aren't you going to try some?"
She was trapped. She weighed her food choices carefully. Eat a little now, and get them off her back, or stubbornly munch on the beans and have them exchanging worried glances all evening?
With disdain, she scrapped a good portion of the vegetables back into their serving dish, and then proceeded to cut a small 3 inch by 3 inch square of pasta from the dish.
They didn't look happy, but some of the tension had seeped from her dad's face.
She ate slowly - drinking her orange juice first, and then spitting half of the chewed up food back into the opaque cup once it was empty of the fruit juice.
No one seemed to notice.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Out on the porch, she pulled her sweater tighter around her arms, and vigorously rubbed her hands.
It was December in Illinois, and she couldn't stay out here much longer without getting sick.
The sound of squeaking was heard, and she looked up quickly.
Eli loomed over her, bowl in hand, and dropped to the porch steps to sit next to his sister. With a fast glance, she noticed that it was filled with yogurt-covered pretzels.
Her favorite food.
"Eli?"
He nodded at her unvoiced question.
"And you better eat these Jess."
A hint of a threat?
She took one gingerly, and nibbled the yogurt off the bends of the pretzel before meeting his eyes.
"What are you talking about?"
His voice was hard. "Lying doesn't become you Jessie. But you are doing an awful lot of it lately. You don't think that I know what you did at supper? You didn't eat your food!"
She paled.
"If you don't eat something. I'll tell Dad what you are doing. He'll take you to a hospital!"
She noted with alarm that he looked pretty serious.
Her voice was strained by the lump in her throat. "Ok."
Swallowing one of the pieces, her hand almost shakily went back for another piece. Tears started to prick her eyes, and after she finished the second one, she wiped the crumbs from her pajama bottoms and stood up, ready to go back into the house.
"Sit back down and finish these." He almost growled at her, and her heart started to race.
He wanted her to eat the entire bowl?
"Eli? I can't!" The tears had engulfed her eyes, and had spilled over the brim of the lids, flowing hotly down her sunken cheeks.
"You will Jess. I checked. ALL of these have less than 500 calories. That's what you are worried about isn't it? Not eating too many calories, right? God Jess - this STILL isn't enough food!"
Something happened them. Some intense anger that had been carefully guarded had torn out from its jail.
"NO ELI! IT ISN'T ABOUT THAT! IT ISN'T ABOUT CALORIES!"
Breaking down into tears, into sobs that racked her body, Eli froze.
Jessie had never exploded, emotionally, like that before.
"What's it about then?", he queried patiently.
Her head hung in her lap, cradled by the taut pull of her sweater over her knees.
"I - I can't control anything anymore Eli. Nothing's right. Nothing is the way it is supposed to be! Don't you get it!?"
He winced at her words, and placed the bowl softly by her side before briefly touching her hand and exiting the room.
As he left, the hard pretzels lay within her field of vision, mocking her. Her favorite food tainted by pressure and force.
But Eli had left to give her a choice. He had learned, at that moment, that all the eating in the world wouldn't fix the underlying problem. That had to be dealt with first before any true progress could be made.
His leaving was an act of faith - of trust.
She knew he wanted her to finish the snack.
So, to help rebuild her relationship with her brother - with her family - with HERSELF - she let her fingers encircle one more pretzel.
Which she ate.
And, strangely, inexplicably, for the first time since her fear and shame and apprehension around food had begun - for the first time in a long time - she didn't feel only guilty for eating the morsel.
She felt proud.
Proud that she hadn't betrayed her brother.
But still sick.
Too many emotions, and she rose from the porch swing, in turmoil and in upset.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Author: Chloe-Bee
Summary: A Jessie piece. What's the typical day like for an anorexic teen?
Notes: okay, don't shoot me! I have never seen "Once and Again" (gasp!), but I recently became a fan of Evan Rachel Wood, and saw some clips of her work, read some transcripts, and let's just say, I hope I nail the characterization. I've done my best without having seen the show.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Small pale hands reached out and hit the repeat button on a personal cd player. The nails were covered in purple nail polish, and parts of the paint had been scratched off, marring the surface of the color. Making it cut up. Making it look worn and untidy.
Making it imperfect.
Jessie Sammler's features screwed up in irritation as she brushed her pointer finger over each digits surface, mentally adding another task to her list of errands and 'assignments' that needed to be done that evening.
Draping her gym towel quickly over her svelte form, she uncomfortably tried to shield her body from the eyes of the other members in her P.E. class. In one deft moment, she pulled her green and white soccer jersey over her head, and relaxed somewhat once it was securely buttoned up.
*Now for the pants!*
A voice broke through her thoughts.
"Markson! You are late! And Sammler - can I see you for a minute please?"
A few kids fell into the typical "ooohing" pattern so common of the immature, but most were pleasantly quiet.
Jessie bit back a groan, turned off her music, and stashed her backpack, jeans and turtleneck in her locker, before lacing up her sneakers and trotting over to her physical education teachers office.
The door was open, and she went in with feigned temerity.
"Ms. Patterson?"
"Come in Jessie."
And she did - plopping her thin self down in a padded chair; she found herself wrapping one golden curl around her finger. It was an anxious habit.
Tightening it, and tightening it, and then - releasing it.
Her finger had gone blue and red where she had cut off the circulation.
"What is this about?" She kept her eyes on her finger. She also managed to keep her voice steady.
"You've missed a few classes Jessie. Is everything ok?"
Terribly kind.
*Don't pity me*
"Fine. Appointments." Her own voice was more abrupt than she would have liked. It made her responses sound all the more suspicious.
"Really?"
Blue eyes met brown for the first time.
"Really! I was at my doctor's. The receptionist couldn't fit me in at a better time."
The teacher's lips pursed together in concentration.
"You were at the doctors office three times in one week? At the same time every other day?"
Skepticism.
Great.
Just great.
Now she'd have to explain herself.
"I was seeing my counselor." Ok - so that wasn't the technical term.
In fact, it was rarely used anymore. Except within the school system.
Which prompted yet another question. Jesus - couldn't this woman take a hint?
"Jess. You just said-"
The teen cut the adult off midway.
"My therapist? He's a psychiatrist. A *doctor*. He had to take a more severe case during our original time slot. It should be sorted out by next week."
The words were ground out. She just wanted to get out of there. Even soccer sounded like fun right about now.
The teacher, however, had other ideas.
"And do you think they - these visits - do you think they are helping you? Because you have had some fainting spells recently-"
God. Who did she think SHE was? A shrink?
Her next response was short and sweet, yet tempered by politeness. She had been taught well. She was Karen's daughter, all right.
"I guess they are helping. And I fainted - twice, yes. But only because I didn't drink enough water. I told you that. May I please return to the gym now?"
End of discussion. She had a way of terminating any conversation.
It was a gift, really.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
She waited until she got home to use the shower. Communal showers?
*I don't think so*
Darting through the door, she was greeted by her father and Eli.
"Hey, slow down Cricket! Can't you give your Dad a hug?"
"Dad? I must smell from gym. I'm getting a shower. THEN I'll give you a hug."
She passed a knowing look to Eli. Ever since she had relapsed six weeks ago, and they had found her lunches festering away in the compost, all uneaten, they had started watching her like a hawk again. Her doctor had also suggested that she see him three times a week, and not just on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons anymore.
Physical gestures were also on the rise. And she knew why. If they touched her, they could determine if she was loosing more weight, or if she was making progress and gaining.
Even Zoe was getting in on it. ZOE! And she wasn't even family. Not really. Eli tried to be more tactful about it all.
Basketball slung under his arm, he addressed his little sister amicably.
"You don't look sweaty or gross to me, Jess."
His comment was returned with a searing death glare from the 5 ft 2 dynamo.
"Aww, come on. I just thought you'd like to shoot some hoops! But, if you have to get your shower right now, like you always do, I guess you'll miss out."
She flashed him a smile, paced over to the fridge, grabbed her water bottle, and scurried out the back door, right behind her brother.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Okay. Are we playing to 21?"
Jessie nodded, her face severe, probably taking the game a little too seriously. Her hair whipped around her face, the curled edges tickling her chin. She swiped at the stray strands that had blown over her lips and had become stuck to her cherry balmed lips.
Eli passed the ball to her for the first shot, speaking calmly as he did.
"You know, you gotta lighten up on Dad. He's just concerned about you."
She stood where she was - eyes plastered on the asphalt, hands buoying up and down as she dribbled the orange orb.
"He doesn't have to be concerned. I'm fine." Her expression, however, belied her words.
Elias Sammler had had enough. "Damnit Jessie! You aren't fine! You never eat, for cripes sake! How is that fine!?"
She had really thought he had been giving her an out. She had really thought he cared about not pushing her, giving her space.
Guess not.
"I don't have to stay here and-"
"And what Jessie? "Take this"? Like it's abuse? Why can't you just eat something and put everyone at ease?"
Her eyes flashed fire. "Oh! You want to talk about doing what is GOOD for you? Why do you hole yourself up in your room and smoke pot every five minutes if you care about putting anyone's mind at ease?!"
Her anger swelling, she threw the ball to him, and stalked back to the house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
She was cold. So cold.
Turning the metal taps clockwise, a blast of hot water surged through the faucet and covered her from head to toe.
Getting very dizzy all of a sudden, she dropped to her knees, and encircled her legs with her rail thin arms. Tears flooded to her eyes, and she cried under the blast - knowing that this was the only time she could be alone and in total privacy.
Since someone was always barging into her room, and would see her even if they couldn't HEAR her over the volume of whatever musical selection she would choose to drown out her sobbing, the only place of real security that remained was the bathroom.
Wiping her eyes, she laughed a teary laugh at the silliness of trying to 'dry ones eyes' in a shower, while phlegm and tears and bile swirled down the drain.
Now to clean up.
Grabbing a hold of the pineapple scented body wash; she liberally applied it to her skin and almost violently scrubbed with her lufah.
Rinsing the shampoo from her tresses, she rose slowly, and emerged from the tub, yanking a pink terry cloth robe from the metal hanger that had been left hanging over the hamper.
Knotting the sash, she unhurriedly walked back to her bedroom, pulling a small sport bra, socks, underwear, and her pajamas from the dresser before shutting the door.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A scrunchie kept her hair out of her face, and she entered the kitchen almost cautiously.
Lily and her father did their pathetic lovey-dovey dance around the other as they set the table, and Grace begrudgingly moved her sketchpad and pens at her mother's request.
Zoe sat on her haunches with a game boy in hand. Eli, who had just sauntered into the dining room, plunked himself down and started eating from his dish with great speed and ease.
"Jessie! Hey honey. This is your seat." Her father addressed her much too enthusiastically for her liking.
Jessie could see her plate was the only plate that was barren of food. She looked up at Lily questioningly.
"We thought you'd prefer to serve yourself", the brunette replied calmly.
Jessie sat down awkwardly. It was bad enough that Eli and her dad and mom hovered over her! Yet, even though she got along with Grace and Zoe now, and Lily for that matter, they still made dinners so much more stress inducing.
Sitting stiffly, Jessie asked for the green beans, and flooded her plate with them, leaving no space for the vegetarian lasagna or the hash browns.
Grace had the good sense to keep quiet, but Rick didn't.
"Sweetie? Lily made the lasagna specifically with you in mind. Aren't you going to try some?"
She was trapped. She weighed her food choices carefully. Eat a little now, and get them off her back, or stubbornly munch on the beans and have them exchanging worried glances all evening?
With disdain, she scrapped a good portion of the vegetables back into their serving dish, and then proceeded to cut a small 3 inch by 3 inch square of pasta from the dish.
They didn't look happy, but some of the tension had seeped from her dad's face.
She ate slowly - drinking her orange juice first, and then spitting half of the chewed up food back into the opaque cup once it was empty of the fruit juice.
No one seemed to notice.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Out on the porch, she pulled her sweater tighter around her arms, and vigorously rubbed her hands.
It was December in Illinois, and she couldn't stay out here much longer without getting sick.
The sound of squeaking was heard, and she looked up quickly.
Eli loomed over her, bowl in hand, and dropped to the porch steps to sit next to his sister. With a fast glance, she noticed that it was filled with yogurt-covered pretzels.
Her favorite food.
"Eli?"
He nodded at her unvoiced question.
"And you better eat these Jess."
A hint of a threat?
She took one gingerly, and nibbled the yogurt off the bends of the pretzel before meeting his eyes.
"What are you talking about?"
His voice was hard. "Lying doesn't become you Jessie. But you are doing an awful lot of it lately. You don't think that I know what you did at supper? You didn't eat your food!"
She paled.
"If you don't eat something. I'll tell Dad what you are doing. He'll take you to a hospital!"
She noted with alarm that he looked pretty serious.
Her voice was strained by the lump in her throat. "Ok."
Swallowing one of the pieces, her hand almost shakily went back for another piece. Tears started to prick her eyes, and after she finished the second one, she wiped the crumbs from her pajama bottoms and stood up, ready to go back into the house.
"Sit back down and finish these." He almost growled at her, and her heart started to race.
He wanted her to eat the entire bowl?
"Eli? I can't!" The tears had engulfed her eyes, and had spilled over the brim of the lids, flowing hotly down her sunken cheeks.
"You will Jess. I checked. ALL of these have less than 500 calories. That's what you are worried about isn't it? Not eating too many calories, right? God Jess - this STILL isn't enough food!"
Something happened them. Some intense anger that had been carefully guarded had torn out from its jail.
"NO ELI! IT ISN'T ABOUT THAT! IT ISN'T ABOUT CALORIES!"
Breaking down into tears, into sobs that racked her body, Eli froze.
Jessie had never exploded, emotionally, like that before.
"What's it about then?", he queried patiently.
Her head hung in her lap, cradled by the taut pull of her sweater over her knees.
"I - I can't control anything anymore Eli. Nothing's right. Nothing is the way it is supposed to be! Don't you get it!?"
He winced at her words, and placed the bowl softly by her side before briefly touching her hand and exiting the room.
As he left, the hard pretzels lay within her field of vision, mocking her. Her favorite food tainted by pressure and force.
But Eli had left to give her a choice. He had learned, at that moment, that all the eating in the world wouldn't fix the underlying problem. That had to be dealt with first before any true progress could be made.
His leaving was an act of faith - of trust.
She knew he wanted her to finish the snack.
So, to help rebuild her relationship with her brother - with her family - with HERSELF - she let her fingers encircle one more pretzel.
Which she ate.
And, strangely, inexplicably, for the first time since her fear and shame and apprehension around food had begun - for the first time in a long time - she didn't feel only guilty for eating the morsel.
She felt proud.
Proud that she hadn't betrayed her brother.
But still sick.
Too many emotions, and she rose from the porch swing, in turmoil and in upset.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*