Something I can't have

By Twilight Always

P.s. Song Fic. The song is In the A.N.

C.D.J.B

I feel like I am alive, but barely, like my heart was replaced like an ice box in my chest, heavy, cold, useless. You know that feeling, the feeling that chills you, that haunts you, when you just hear something so stressful it gives you a headache, it makes your knees weak and you feel like because of that news, you can never, ever go back to the way you felt before?

I felt that now.

I could never, ever go back. And it killed me. Because it would always be there, and this was all wrong.

I don't know where I'm at.
I'm standing out the back,
and I'm tired of waiting.

Never, never in my wildest nightmares would this have happened. But now, it was happening, and I wouldn't wake up from this one, how could this happen, this wasn't supposed to happen, things like this don't happen. This wasn't some short of twisted fate, when me and Clary met that night, things like that don't happen…or at least, they're not supposed to, are they?

Because if they do, some higher power proves it's sick sense of humor.

Waiting here in in line,
hoping that I'll find
what I've been chasing

When I am alone I close my eyes, maybe when I open them I'll be laying in my bed, waking up from a horrible, long nightmare. Maybe someday I'll close my eyes, and I won't see her behind my eyelids. Maybe one day I'll stop the thoughts, I'll halt the feelings, burn them to ash, as if they never were at all. As if they never had an existence. But they did…they do.

And I cannot forget, and I cannot stop the feelings, because I have no control of them whatsoever. And nothing could change that…not even myself.

I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
So why do I try?

I always aimed so high. Always had to be the best, always had something to prove. Always wanted to prove them wrong, and I always wanted to make those important proud of me, and say, just maybe say, 'you know, that boy, he has potential. That boy Is a good man.' Was it so wrong to strive and do my best to excel to get what I wanted? Acceptance and the finest of things. I didn't think so until now, because now I'm addicted. I'm addicted to the fact that this couldn't ever be accepted. I'm addicted to her. And that was wrong, so wrong. But I wish it wasn't.


I know I'm gonna fall down.
I thought I could fly,
so why did I drown?
You never know why
it's coming down, down, down.

She knew, didn't she? And she felt it to, did she not? How could we let this happen? How could I fall so easily? I never fall, and the one time I do, it's now. It's in this horrible wrong situation. It contains this much wrong and hurt and pain, with no acceptance in that package. Trust me, I've thought about this countless times, and I push the wrong thoughts to the back of my head, because I cannot think about her like this, I cannot feel like this, I cannot have this girl, and I cannot have her ripping apart my heart because she's over there and all I want is to be holding her hand. And that is something I never felt before. And that makes it so much worse.

Not ready to let go.
Cause then I'll never know
what I could be missing.

Nobody knows, yet I think everyone does. What I mean…is that I've never said a word. I can't, imagine what they would think of me…of her, of us. No, I wouldn't say a word. But a nagging little voice in the back of my head tells me differently, it tells me that they can all tell, they can all see it crystal clear in front of them, starring them right in the eyes. Was it that obvious? I hoped not. God I hoped not. Maybe I'm going paranoid. But either way, it's driving me mad.

But I'm missing way too much.
When do I give up
what I've been wishing for?

It's like I'm waiting for some spectacular miracle to happen, unexpectedly, something to shed light on everything, to fix this whole thing…because lately I've been praying to that god who I don't even believe in, for answers, for hope, for signs, for anything for to make it go away. Because this, this is too much. But I also want it to much, and that goes against everything.


I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
so why do I try?

So why do I bother? Why does her presence, her touch still shake me? Why can I still feel her soft innocent lips on mine from our first kiss, as if it was yesterday? Why does it scream at me to go find her, to kiss her again, why does it rip at my soul, it's not supposed to be like this, but it is. And it's wrong. It's wrong that I can feel her touch on me hours later. The most innocent of them as well, like a brush of the arms while passing by. So innocent on the outside, from someone looking in, but so different when it's you. If you were me. But thankfully for you, you're not, so congratts.


I know I'm gonna fall down.
I thought I could fly,
so why did I drown?
You never know why
it's coming down, down, down.

Seeing she is like coming up for air from drowning, like for a moment I've forgotten, and everything's as it should be. But then I remember, and it harshly pulls me down again, smothering me, suffocating me, drowning me, and killing me slowly as it fills my lungs. But I keep going, but you know what, maybe one day I'll just let it. Maybe one day, I will just completely give up. Because right now, that sounds oddly refreshing. And it shouldn't.


Oh, I'm going down, down, down.
I can't find another way around
and I don't wanna hear the sound
of losing what I've never found.

I am disgusted with myself because of these feelings, that shouldn't even be there. Because it feels so wrong, yet deep down, somewhere far hidden, it feels right. Somewhere deep down, no matter what happened, I want her more than anything. Despite what has recently happened. Is that sick? Yes…yes it was.

But it's so messed up because what makes me sick as well, knowing that I am losing something that was never officially mine. But I am still losing everything, I am losing her, and there is no other way around it.

I wish this wasn't happening. I wish this was some sick twisted game, a lie, a joke, something; anything to prove this wasn't true, because this couldn't be real, and it just couldn't be. Things like this do not happen, not even to those with the worst of luck. And he knew, valentine, he knew how I felt…he knew how Clary even felt . . .it was like something was planned, something wasn't right. No matter my beliefs in god, no matter how sick and twisted I think it is, god is not this twisted, god is not this sick. How could anyone be?

I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
so why do I try?

I know I'm gonna fall down.
I thought I could fly,
so why did I drown?
I'll never know why
it's coming down, down, down.

'Maybe one day, you won't feel this way' I told myself that a million times, but it just never goes away. It won't ever go away. It's like permanent marker had written her name all over my heart. Because the truth is…I'm in love with her. A part of me, the part of me that knows how sick it is, it wants to stop. It wants to burn these feelings until every remembrance of them is gone. But the other part wants a completely different outcome. And that part is my heart. Something that should matter the most, but just doesn't.

I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
so why do I try?
I know I'm gonna fall down.
I thought I could fly,
so why did I drown?

. . . Why could I not just quit her, like a smoker quitting, like someone quitting a bad habit. She was the most beautiful, innocent, wonderful habit I have ever had. But she was also the most wrong habit I've ever had in life, and that wasn't good…

But something, something just never seems right about it, she couldn't be, and somewhere I didn't believe it. It wasn't just that I didn't want to believe it, somewhere inside, I could never believe it because something felt off about it, something was wrong.

But either way right now, it's not looking so good, because I am in love with 'my sister' Clary.


Oh, it's coming down, down, down

AN. Heey guys, thanks for reading, it's my first Jace/Clary fanfiction, so I hope I did decently on it, and I hope you guys enjoyed it. and P.S happy new year and Please please please, REVIEW !

Oh and this is a song fic, the song is Down by Jason Walker, if you've never heard it, listen to it, it's beautiful.