by Crystal Yumi
Disclaimer: I don't own the charcters of the series, 'His Dark Materials' by Philip Pullman. I also don't own the song, 'Where Are You Now?' by Britney Spears
Author's Note: I first read this series around a year ago and FELL IN LOVE. I reread it three months after… then again three months after that… and finally finished my fourth time reading about a week ago… At the same time, I was collecting lyrics for fics when I realized that these lyrics are really good for HDM… so here we are!
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My dearest Lyra:
Calling out your name
Your face is everywhere
I'm reaching out to you, to find that you're not there
I wake up every night
To see the state I'm in
It's like an endless fight
I never seem to win
{It's been sixty-one years. Sixty-one years since the fateful day in which we parted. I miss you more then you can know. I miss your deep, expressive eyes and your luxurious golden hair, shorter in one place because of a mysterious cut. I miss your hot breath on my face, the sweet taste of your kisses, the gentle slope of your body as I hold you tight in my arms. You were my life Lyra. And now you're gone. I see you in my mind every time I close my eyes. I dream of you at night and I reach for you in my sleep. But you're never there… Where are you Lyra? Are you okay?}
But I can't go on
As long as I believe
Can't let go
When I keep wondering
{When we were parting we agreed to try and move on, that it wouldn't be fair to ourselves not too. We also promised that if we did find someone, that we would never make comparisons. Oh Lyra… we were so naïve back then. In my seventy-three years I have loved and lost. I have never found another love quite like you. Sure, I married, to the only woman who could look past the injury on my hand I sustained so long ago, but it wasn't the same. I did so only to make you happy, but I was miserable. She loved me with all of her heart, and in the end died giving birth to my only son, Roger. I named him that for you Lyra… it was always for you. I think of you always. How can I even try to love another when you are always on my mind? I can't let go of your memory… my dear, sweet Lyra.}
Where are you now?
What have you found?
Where is your heart?
When I'm not around?
Tell me, where are you now?
You gotta let me know
Oh baby, So I can let you go
{Where are you, my Lyra? How are you holding up without me? Do you miss me, as I do you? Do you long for my love and to be in my embrace? Or, have you fallen in love and completely forgotten me? Have you been going those Midsummer days, like we promised? Are you married with children? Do they know of our unforgettable adventure in that world long since forgotten?}
I can hear your voice
Bring of yesterday
It seems so close to me
And yet so far away
I should let it out
To say what's left of me
And close the doors of doubt
Without my dignity
{Midsummer days were always the hardest for me. On days like these, I come to Botanical Gardens and sit and the very same bench you do. And I can feel you Lyra. I feel your presence and your love and I think I can almost touch you. I think that if I can just imagine you there, like the angels said, there you'll be, young and beautiful like you were the day when we parted. You're just so close on those days dear Lyra, and yet so far away. I know it's not healthy to be this obsessed with someone I will never see again… never get to touch, to hold, to feel… I know that Mary and especially Kirjava worry for me, but they're the only ones who understand what I'm going through. Mary is never old and Kirjava ages along side me, I fear that Mary does not have long to live. Mary misses the muefla with all of her soul, and Kirjava wishes only to embrace Pan just one last time.}
But I can't go on
As long as I believe
Can't let go
When I keep wondering
Where are you?
{I have worked my whole life trying to find you again Lyra. I wanted so badly to try the edge of the subtle knife. To see if I can reach out like I did in my youth and find our world and grab Kirjava and just go. I didn't care that I would live a short life. If only to embrace you and be with you for a short time, I would've been happy. But of course I couldn't use the knife. I never would, because then dust would let loose and specters would be created. I know you would never want that Lyra… so I could never do that to you. I even tried to imagine myself there, sitting with you as you cry on the bench in Botanical Gardens. I couldn't grasp the concept of it though, so I was stuck spending my life without you.}
Where are you now?
What have you found?
Where is your heart?
When I'm not around?
Tell me, where are you now?
You gotta let me know
Oh baby, So I can let you go
{Lyra… I feel you should know that I'm very sick and I will not survive on this world much longer. I'm happy though… for I will be able to visit the world of the dead before escaping into the land of the muefla. I will talk to Gracious Wings and tell her wonderful stories of our adventure together, the tales of the strange worlds we visited, of Iorek and his fellow bears, of the great aeronaut Lee Scoresby and of the wonderful red fruit that made me realize my love for you. And when my atoms evaporate I will wait for you in the land of the muefla. And when you pass away and you escape there as well, we will be together forever, our atoms intertwined as we meet with friends long since gone.}
I should let it out
It's time to let you go!
Oh baby, I just wanna know
{I've been in pain for a long time, my love. Years and years have been spent longing for you, and in recent ones my heart has been hurting. My joints ache and the scar where my two fingers used to be even started to bleed once again. Kirjava is not well either, for she as well longs for the love of Pantalaimon and when I am sick, she is as well. It will hurt having to leave her, after all these years… but I would never have known her if it wasn't for you Lyra… if it wasn't for our adventure in the land of the dead when we had to leave our wonderful daemons behind. But I can't die knowing that you're still out there. Although it pains me, I need to let you go. Your memory has to leave me for me to pass on in peace.}
Where are you now?
Where is your heart?
When I'm not around?
Tell me, where are you now?
You gotta let me know
Oh baby, so I can let you go
{But Lyra, how can I forget? How can I forget your memory when it means everything to me? In the hardest of times it was the only thing that kept me alive. When I was being persecuted because of the difference in my hand, when I was being teased during high school for being a loner, even when my wife passed away, you and the love you represented kept me from doing the unthinkable.}
Where are you now?
What have you found?
Where is your heart?
When I'm not around?
Tell me, where are you now?
You gotta let me know
Oh baby, so I can let you go
{But now, I have to let you go. You see, when we left each other that long time ago, I vowed never to say goodbye to you. I promised myself to keep you and Pantalaimon alive, not for myself alone, but for Kirjava as well. I realize now, all to late, that that was not the right thing to do. I should have moved on and I should have let you go…}
{I fear these are the last words I shall communicate, my Lyra, for Kirjava is fading fast. She and Mary both send their love, as do I. Give Pan a hug and kiss for me. I hope to see you soon…}
Love Always,
William Parry
~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~
As he finished writing his first and final letter to his love, Lyra Belacqua, William Parry tucked it into the slats of the bench, then gently lifted his aching wild cat daemon, Kirjava onto his lap. She nestled into his lap purring softly and said,
"It won't be long now Will…" He nodded slowly, stroking Kirjava's soft fur and breathing deeply.
"Do you think Pan and Lyra will meet us in the land of the muefla?" Will nodded again, this time towards Kirjava and took another deep breath.
"This is it Java…" he said softly.
"I love you Will." she answered.
"I love you too…" And with the effort it took to say those words, Will took a shuddering breath and died, Kirjava disappearing a mere second after.
~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~
In another world the angel Xaphania smiled, flowing through a window only angels can tread into the world of William Parry. She reached him instantly and bent gently to kiss his forehead, before retrieving the letter from the planks of the bench. She smiled gently down at Will one last time before slipping through the window once again into her own world. She traveled fast, and before long reached the home she had been seeking. Sneaking swiftly into the house and walking without a sound, she carefully placed the letter into the hand of a woman sleeping, her pine martian d‚mon curled around her neck.
~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~
Okay… hope you all liked it! Email me at CrystalYumi@aol.com!