Enough
Title says it all – so much time has been wasted; now it's enough!
A/N: Although I am currently working on the sequel to "Comfort", I couldn't help but get this little piece done. I am just too impatient with C/B at the moment and just need some serious progress. It's definitely time to shake them both up a bit.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, they belong to A.W. Marlowe and ABC. I just like to borrow them from time to time.
"I just don't get it!" Kate stormed into his office.
"Ok, ok, one thing after the other. What happened?" he sat calmly and perfectly put together in his office chair and studied her intently. If he was amused by her behavior, he didn't show it. As always.
"I… I just don't understand him anymore…" She sighed and sunk into the chair across from him.
"So, then tell me, what did he do?"
"It's not what he did, it's what he didn't do. He showed up at the precinct this morning, without coffee."
"So?" Dr. Burke asked.
"SO? He never shows up without coffee. It's one of these things between us. The only time he hasn't brought me coffee was when…"
"When?"
She sighed again and buried her face in her hands. The only time he showed up without coffee was the last day he came to the precinct before he took off to the Hamptons with his ex-wife. Ugh. It still felt horrible only thinking of this moment when they went away from her, arm in arm. It was the day after he found out that she dismissed the weekend with him for a weekend with Tom.
"That's not even the point."
"So, Kate, tell me what is the point?"
"He must've been standing there watching me, before I looked up and saw him there. Wouldn't have been the first time. But when I stood up to greet him, his face fell and he turned on his heels and walked away. I really did my best the last days to show him how happy I was every time I saw him, every time he's been there with me. Especially after his adventure with this other cop. But he's still distant and … I don't know… Anyway, he went straight into the Captain's office, talked to Gates and then left without another word. I told him to wait and went after him, but he completely ignored me. Then the Captain ordered me into her office and he was gone. And I don't know if he'll ever come back again…" she told her therapist in a rush, barely breathing between the sentences. A single tear running down her left cheek.
"Did captain Gates tell you what their talk was about?"
"She just grinned in victory and told me he would take a few days off. She was convinced she got rid of him finally. I just don't understand why he did this. And especially why he talked to her of all people. Why didn't he talk to me?"
"Kate, what did we talk about last time?"
"That… that I wasn't ready to hear him tell me that he… and that maybe I have waited too long and that he… Maybe you're right. Maybe we missed our chance. Again."
"I also told you that you're worth waiting for. And from what you told me he waited quite patiently all these past months. All these past years."
"Yeah, but suddenly he is distant, doesn't want to spent time with me, and dates these bimbos and… And now this."
"So, what do you think might've caused this sudden change?"
"I don't know."
"Do you really don't know? Or do you just don't want to know?"
Kate frowned. What the hell was this supposed to mean?
"Kate, think about it. People don't just change their minds without any reason. If you knew when exactly he did change, you might find out why."
"It was a few weeks back during that case we had with the explosion. I really thought we would make good progress and then suddenly he … was different."
"Good. What happened during the case? With the two of you."
"Nothing, really. That's my point. There wasn't anything that could've caused this reaction … in… him…" Kate answered lost in thought, trying to remember every detail of these days. Everything was fine. And then suddenly Castle was gone. He left her coffee on her desk and …
"It was this morning when I interrogated this suspect alone… The one who claimed he didn't remember…" she murmured. Dr. Burke looked at her intently, but remained silent, letting her relive the day again.
"Oh no! No this can't be, he can't…" she broke up, too stunned to go on.
"What Kate? What happened then?"
"I told the suspect in the interrogation room that I remembered everything from the shooting. But he cannot have heard that. No, no, he wouldn't have just stood there behind the mirror and watching all of this… Can he?"
"I think you know the answer Kate."
"Oh my God, no!" she cried out. Tears running down both cheeks. Or course he heard. It explained everything. Why the hell didn't she think about this earlier? But would it have changed something? It was too late anyway. He found out on his own. And he'd never forgive her for not telling him herself.
"Now everything's over. He'll never forgive me…"
"Not if you won't talk to him."
"Where's the sense in that? It's too late."
"Ok, so you just want to give up here?"
"What am I supposed to do? He'll never be able to trust me again. He won't even listen to me anymore."
"You'll only find out if you try."
Without a second thought she drove right to his loft. She did her best not to over think what was to come in order not to change her mind again. Dr. Burke was right; she owed Castle this explanation, even if it wouldn't change his mind. Even if she lost him nevertheless. She owed it to him and also to herself to at least try it.
She texted him that she was coming over, but he didn't reply. And when she tried to call him it went straight to voicemail. Apparently he turned his phone off to avoid her. Fine. She wouldn't give up that easy. She thought about it, back in her therapist's office, to just let it go. To forget him and everything they had and could have had. But she couldn't. She couldn't just let him go. Again.
When the door to his loft opened it wasn't him, it was Alexis.
"Detective Beckett." She greeted her and it didn't sound very welcoming. "What are you doing here?"
"Is your father here? I need to talk to…"
"No he's gone."
"Gone?" she asked, confused by the coldness in Alexis' look and voice. "Where?"
"He didn't want you to know." She said simply.
Oh. Oh. Shit.
"Kate, darling. Come in!" Martha exclaimed, coming down the stairs.
Alexis considered her for another long moment before she stepped aside and went up the stars, announcing she had to get back to her studies anyway.
Wonderful. Alexis clearly wasn't a fan of her the last time. And she could understand her.
"Hi Martha. I am sorry for just showing up. I wanted to talk to Cas-… to Rick, but if he's not here, I'll just go ho…"
"No, Kate, it's fine. I wanted to talk to you anyway." Martha said and ushered her in.
"To me?"
"Yes, to you. Come here, sit down with me."
Uh. This was not good.
"Martha I am sorry, I can explain –"
"No, darling, I don't need any explanations from you. It's none of my business. It's Richard who you should explain things to."
Kate swallowed hard. She was right, sure, but if he'd gone away not only without letting her know where, but especially not wanting her to know where, how should she do that?
"Kate, I have never meddled into your and my son's business. I gave him advices here and then when he asked me to, but I never said something just because. But I won't look at the two of you destroying each others lives. He's miserable and you look miserable, too. And that's just stupid, from both of you. So, if you really want to talk to him and put things right, I'll tell you where he's gone. I am fed up with the two of you running away from each other. So if you really want this, I'll help you. I cannot bear to see him like this anymore."
Oh, gosh, what had she gotten herself into? What had she done to him, to his whole family?
"I am serious, Martha. You're right, this has to stop. I want to talk to him, explain everything to him. I want to try."
"That's enough for me. Go find him."
"Where… where is he?"
"What do you think?"
Kate frowned. Why was everyone playing this stupid game with her today?
"At the Hampton's, maybe?"
"So, what are you waiting for?"
He sat there in silence and darkness. He wasn't in the mood to watch TV or read a book or even to put the lights on.
He went for a long walk around the private beach at the back of his house, but came back as clueless as he was before.
It was killing him.
He couldn't write anymore, couldn't sleep anymore, couldn't eat anymore. To see her just hurts too much.
When he stood there at the precinct this morning, just looking at her, admiring her beauty and her dedication to her work, he thought for a moment he could forget that she lied to him. That he was right when he told his mother that he could do this. That he maybe - maybe - could give her another chance.
But when she looked up and greeted him with this fake smile in her face it was just too much. He realized there and then that he couldn't do this anymore, couldn't bear to be near her anymore. That he needed distance. Distance from this fake smile that just looked so real.
A harsh knocking ripped him out of his dark thoughts. Who could this be? He hadn't told anyone where he was going. Only Alexis and his mother knew, to keep them from worrying even more.
But he didn't need to think twice, he knew who it was standing there outside his door in the ice-cold rain. And he was seriously thinking of ignoring her.
"Come on, Castle! Open the door. Please…" She knew she was begging. Kate Beckett never begged anyone.
Anyone but him.
And she would have to beg for a lot more if she wanted to repair what she had destroyed.
Finally, after what felt like hours in the rain, he opened the damn door. And his eyes were even colder than the rain, cascading down her body. His face was illuminated by the lightning and somewhere near the loud burst of thunder could be heard. She shivered.
"Can I come in? Please?"
He didn't say a word, just stepped aside to let her into the darkness of his house.
She stopped in her tracks, stunned by the absence of light.
She looked back at him in question, but he simply closed the door. After a few seconds in complete darkness and silence, she couldn't stand it any longer and stumbled forward towards him.
"Would you mind to turn the lights on?"
"Yes."
"Yes, what?"
"Yes, I mind to put the lights on. I like it this way. So I don't have to look at you."
Ugh, that was really bad. But he couldn't help it. If he would look at her too close now, at her shivering, wet form, at the soaked clothes hugging her perfect body… He wouldn't be able to remain distant. He would offer her a towel and some of his clothes, would feel the need to hug her and keep her warm. And he knew this was going nowhere, never going to happen. So he avoided it the best he could, even if it was childish and rude to not even to put the lights on or offer her a towel.
She was stunned by his behavior and again stopped in her tracks. She needed to look him into the eyes if she wanted to do this right.
"What do you want, Beckett? How did you even know I was here? Let me guess, mother told you."
She didn't know what to say anymore. All the way up here she played it back and forth how this talk could go, thought about every possible scenario, even the worst ones, but this here was just wrong. So wrong.
"Castle, please." She whispered. "Please let's just sit and I…"
"No, Beckett. I am done sitting and listening. I am sorry you came the long way up here, but I want you to go. Now."
He couldn't hold himself together any longer. The rich scent of her assaulted his nose; cherries and rain, and wet skin. And her shivering drove him crazy. It cost all his willpower to stay where he was.
"No, I am not going. You're damn right, I came all the way up here and we seriously need to talk. Please. Please, Rick."
And the use of his first name had all his willpower crumble to the ground.
After he switched a little light on, went away without looking at her to get this damn towel and a dry shirt and sweatpants from his closet, he told her where the guest bathroom was and sat down in his kitchen, preparing himself for whatever was to come. She was here after all, wasn't she? She came and found him, whether his mother told her or she figured it out of her own, she was here and this had to mean something, right? It had to.
When she came back to him and stood on the threshold to his kitchen, he was - again – overwhelmed by his feelings. The sight of her in his clothes and with damp, curly hair as if she just stepped out of his shower was too much for him. He dreamt of this moment for so long, but with completely different circumstances. Yeah, not helping to go there, either. So he stood and turned away from her, gesturing for her to sit down. He almost offered her coffee, before rethinking the meaning it held for them. How on earth should he be able to have a serious talk with her now?
He went away into the living room to get himself a drink. A strong one.
"You want something, too?" He asked her when he came back.
She looked at him, and it sounded promising to her, but she shook her head nevertheless. She wanted to be sober for this. It was too important to let alcohol interfere with it.
"No, and I want you to put it down, too."
He sighed. She was probably right. It would make things even worse. But he needed something to keep his hands and his eyes occupied; otherwise he wouldn't be able to do this.
"So, Beckett. What are you doing here?" he asked again.
She sighed. Now was the time. It had finally come. And all the words, all the well-thought-out sentences were gone from her mind. Vanished. And she didn't know how to start.
"You know it, right?"
"I know what?" he asked, although he knew perfectly well what she was talking about. But he wasn't going to make this easy for her.
"That I remember. The shooting. The-"
The words you said to me.
"Yeah. I heard you. When you talked to…" his voice broke.
Kate sighed on a breath she didn't realize she was holding. So it was true. He had heard her.
"I… I am sorry, Rick. I didn't mean…"
To hurt you.
Why couldn't she just say the words? She needed to say them. Man up Kate, or you gonna lose him forever.
"You didn't mean what? To ever say them? To stop lying to me? To break my… my heart?" he yelled at her.
"No, I didn't mean to hurt you, Rick. I never meant to hurt you." She murmured, hoping he would understand.
"You didn't mean to hurt me? Of course not! That's why you lied to me all this time. That's why you treated me like a fool, knowing how I felt and just playing with me. Why the hell did you keep me along, Beckett? If you didn't feel the same? Was it fun, huh? Did you enjoy it, to see me suffer and waiting all this time. Did you laugh about me with Esposito and Ryan? About your love-sick puppy, who was too blind and stupid to realize…"
"Stop, Rick! Please, please stop. I cannot bear…"
"YOU cannot bear that? YOU…"
"Enough. Enough of this Rick." She cried out, jumped off of her chair, closed the distance between them and pressed her lips to his. He was too stunned to even react properly and when she broke away again he looked at her as if he wasn't sure if this was one of his dreams. And he truly wasn't.
"What… What was that?"
"The only way to silence you."
He looked at her even more confused than before. He clearly was missing something here.
"Rick, listen. Please just listen to me. I never meant to hurt you. When you said those words to me, while I was lying there, dying, I wasn't ready to hear them. That's what I was trying to tell you on those swings when I told you about his wall inside of me. I just wasn't ready and I didn't want to make things complicated between us. I didn't want to destroy what we had. Hell, I wasn't even sure if you still felt this way, after all those time I didn't call you. I… I didn't know what to do. It wasn't the right time for us." She looked at him for a long moment.
"I just… I wasn't ready." She said again.
"And now you are, Kate?" he asked and for the first time in months she saw a little glimpse of hope back in his eyes. And she didn't want to disappoint him again. To let him down again.
"I don't know. But I do know that I don't want to lose you. And if that means that I have to rise above all my issues and to climb up that wall to meet you on top – I will do my best to…" now it was his turn to silence her with a kiss.
And when they broke apart, panting, they both had a smile on their faces.
"Can you forgive me? I was going to tell you. After this case. But you found out before and then…"
"Then I made a mistake, too. I should have talked to you straight away. But the only reason I came up with you not telling me, was that you didn't feel the same and …"
"I do."
"You do?"
He still didn't completely believe her.
Oh, Castle.
So, there was no other way. She had to tell him. Despite all the things they still had to talk about – she had to let him know now.
"I love you, too." She whispered.
"You… you what?"
"Richard Alexander Rodgers – I love you."