Greetings fair readers, a few things before we begin.
1) This is not a serious fic so a warning for insanity, oocness, blatant sexual innuendos, drinking, swearing (on my part, I think Final Fantasy characters are physically incapable of swearing lest Squaresoft feel the need to assisnate them in the dead of night) etc.
2) I have read to check for spelling and grammar issues but suffer from unobservationalitus and therefore apologise for any mistakes left in these chapters.
3) I own many things, a computer, some cereal, a driver's license, this delightful pile of pocket lint and my boyfriend's soul. Unfortunately, I do not own Final Fantasy, that right belongs to the fabulous Squaresoft and it should be kept that way. If I was in charge, there would be a lot more porn in the world.
Right, with that out of the way, onwards!
Wake Me Up Before You Go Go
It's Sunday, I can feel it in my bones. The sun is streaming through the little window in my room, falling over the bed sheets. My phone is, thankfully, turned off and carefully positioned at the other end of the house.
I don't have to get up until at least midday.
I roll over, squint through bleary, sleep encrusted eyes at the digital clock on the bedside table. 7am. Why the hell am I awake?
"Do you think she felt that?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know?"
"Maybe she's dead…or inflicted with a status ailment…do you think we should try to give her an antidote?"
I love my friends, they are wonderful people. They're smart, witty, useful when you need your computer fixed as I often do what with my ongoing war with the possessed CD drive. Most importantly though, they know when to leave me alone.
They certainly know that, on a Sunday morning at 7am, playing a prank on me is a deep and sacrilegious taboo that should never come to pass lest they find their balls suspended somewhere around their jugulars.
Open gritty eye to stare into vast blue pools, eyes so vivid that they can only be a figment of my half-sleeping imagination.
I can make out hair so blonde that it's almost gold.
"Mnf," I grunt, rolling over away from the exhaustion induced hallucination.
Hmm…not my friends being completely uncharacteristic then. Have clearly been working far too hard these last couple of weeks.
"I don't think you should do that."
"Why not? The antidote didn't work…"
I can feel something distinctly cold and wet soaking through the sanctuary of my duvet onto my foot. The hell is this?
"…so she must be inflicted with Sleep. All I have to do is give her a little slap-
I sit bolt upright, automatic karate stance in place and stare at the gathering in my room.
There is a blonde man standing above with one bronzed hand raised like he's about to strike. Blue eyes stare at me alarmingly. I can't look at them for too long, they're so blue that I feel like I'm drowning.
Turn to next figure, brunette this time leaning up against my bedroom wall looking thoroughly unimpressed.
Last figure is also standing above me. His hair is blonde but like ice if that makes sense…can ice be blonde? Well if it could, this is what it would look like. His eyes are like shards of ice too, like he's been stuck in the ice age for the last millennium.
"Ah," I say by the way of a reaction.
"AHAHAHAHAHA!" I continue, pointing ruthlessly at each of the figures in turn. This has to be some kind of joke. I must still be asleep otherwise why would Tidus, Squall and Cloud from Final Fantasy be standing casually in my room.
Tidus gives the others a concerned look as he lowers his hand. An 'I don't think she's got a full deck' look.
I try and say something to defend myself but I seem to be having an adverse reaction to the presence of these guys in my dream. I've got all the telltale signs of vomit and or a fainting spell. Almost like I'm in shock.
"I need a drink," I say decided, pointedly talking to myself.
The kitchen is bare, not only because it's far too early on a Sunday morning but because my house mates have buggered off for a month on a trip for their university courses. I head straight for the fridge, ignoring the fact that the hallucinogenic Final Fantasy characters are still trudging behind me.
"Uh…look, we just want to know where we are…maybe how we got here," Tidus is saying as I open the fridge and stare at its dark and barren contents.
There is no mojito.
Odd. There is normally mojito in my dreams.
Sit down on nearest chair and try to implement the fail safe. If the dream is getting too weird, close your eyes and wake up. This has actually worked a number of times for me though I always feel a bit crap afterwards. Close eyes and hope to god it is actually Sunday when I wake up.
Wait for a few moments and open my eyes again.
They're still there.
"Now what's she doing?"
"It appears that she's putting on a coat."
"I don't think she can hear us."
Try to stop shaking hands as they reach into my jacket pocket searching for my house keys. Of course, the keys aren't there, they never are. Start rummaging around kitchen, trying to ignore my thoughts as they start telling me that these are actually disillusioned cosplaying burglars that came into my house to steal my mediocre tech and maybe some food.
My plan is to lead them outside and then shut the door.
Keys located under the sofa cushions along with 5p and a hundred year old cookie. Stash cookie for later and head purposefully towards door. The rag tag threesome is still behind me, even as I cross the street. As soon as I am sure that I can beat them back to the house, I dart back, sprinting across the road and slamming the door after me.
My ears ring, my heart is pounding. I really should invest in the gym after this but-
My breath hitches.
Cloud is sitting on my stairs with his chin resting neatly on his hand. He's glaring at me. How the hell did he…
"Oh God, please don't rape and kill me," I beg him as he stands, advancing. "You can have whatever you want, I won't tell the police."
He stops and cocks his head to one side. It would be quite a charming motion if not for the fact that I am terrified beyond all rational comprehension right now.
"We are not criminals," he informs me. "We have no idea how we got here. We were hoping you could tell us as we seemed to have materialised in your room."
Blink.
Try to digest.
It's really not working.
"Th-that's what you want me to think!" I yell, pointing an accusing finger at him.
His eyebrow twitches and he sighs, rubbing his fingers over the bridge of a perfect nose. Burglary aside, he really is a magnificent cosplayer.
There's a knock on the door.
"Everything alright in there?"
Voice of Tidus. Oh Jesus Allah Buddah, they have me surrounded.
"I am not a criminal," Cloud repeats, staring at me again. Yeah, the hard and icy eyes don't really help there buddy. I whimper in response.
"I am an ex-Soldier and Materia user," Cloud informs me, reaching slowly down into a little pack strapped to his side.
Okay, so if he's not a criminal, he's delusional.
A wonderful realisation hits my mind as Cloud is rummaging through his pack. My house mate keeps a bat behind the front door in case of such awkward situations. I can see it out of the corner of my eye.
I have only a small window…but he's distracted now…
Abandoning reason, I make a grab for the bat just as Cloud pulls out a glowing orb, yes, actually glowing. I give him points, it does look like magic, somehow he's made the orb seem like it has an unstable structure, like it isn't just cheap plastic with a few electric lights inside.
But whatever, I hold up the bat defensively, hoping that it'll make him see sense and leave me alone.
Cloud raises one perfect ice blonde eyebrow at me and turns towards the kitchen, holding the orb out in front of him.
A blast of fire engulfs my kitchen and I can see it coming from the orb. I can see that it's not some sort of advanced mechanical object paid for by some millionaire Final Fantasy fanatic.
How in the name of Judas did he just do that?
My kitchen is on fire.
The bat plops on the ground as I pass out.
"You had to set the kitchen on fire?"
"She was going to hit me with a bat."
"And you couldn't have just defended yourself?"
"Not without hurting her."
Pause.
"She wanted proof of who I was."
"And how does blowing up half the house prove anything? It certainly doesn't prove that we're not criminals!"
"Is the Phoenix Down working?"
My eyes flutter but I can hear them talking above me and my body's reaction is to try and pull me under into blissful oblivion again.
I manage to mumble something.
"What was that?"
"I think it was 'get out of my house'."
"That or 'pet my poor mouse', do you think she has a neglected pet somewhere?"
Maybe if they think I'm dead, they'll go away. After all, it works for the possums.
Confused yet? Befuddled by my main character's strange reaction to the wonderful cast of this story? Wondering about a mojito? If you haven't had one, get thee to a bar but not before leaving a review!
Love FB x