Disclaimer: I do not own the film Troy (nor do I want to), as I do not own The Iliad. Although people say it belongs to Homer, it probably belongs to Homer as well as all the hundreds of people who changed the story along the way. Anyway, they are not me, and I do not make any money from writing this. I do own Antimony, and for that I am sorry. But she was born to be hated.
A/N: I really can't stand Mary Sues, especially not ancient Greek Mary Sues (long live slash). Troy is just completely plagued with 'Sues and 'Stus, especially how they romanticised Briseis' role. Trojan priestess my arse. So, here is a parody of a Troy Mary Sue fic, not completely exaggerated but pretty head-bangingly stupid anyway. Please enjoy, and don't forget to review!
Apologies for any strange encodings. Damn Chinese computer...
Gift of the Gods
When Cassandra woke up, she knew something would go wrong today. She didn't know how, or when, but by the time the sun set, something would change the palace of Troy forever.
The Trojan princess ranted and raved throughout breakfast, but as usual, everyone ignored her. She usually ate in the temple, but last night her parents talked her into coming back the palace. Something about safety from the Greeks, which was stupid because the Greeks couldn't possibly break through Troy's walls. But as a good daughter, Cassandra obeyed her parents and went home.
That morning, Hector was off rocking little Skamandrios (or Astyanax, as everyone else called him) while Andromache got some more precious sleep; Hecuba and Priam were quietly chatting about the reliability of bird-gut prophecies; Paris and Helen were probably still in the bedroom, and only the gods needed to know what they were doing to each other.
After her fifth spoonful of honey, Cassandra realised something was strange. Everyone looked very different from how they usually did, but they all seemed to be too consumed in their little lives to realise.
Walking back to the temple, Cassandra spotted Aeneas. She swore the soldier was a lot younger -- by almost half his old age.
"Good morning, princess!" Aeneas greeted formally.
Cassandra smiled. "Hello Aeneas, how is your father and his leg?"
"Ah, very well! The prayers have been very successful, the gods much be pleased with me!"
"Well, I'm not surprised: you're the child of Aphrodite, after all."
"I-I am?"
Cassandra stared. "Yesss..." she said slowly.
"Ah... well! You learn something new everyday, don't you?"
The Trojan princess scratched her head. Something very, very weird was going on. "I need to go now. Good day, son of Anchises."
Aeneas gave her a wave and left. He was still good looking but was so much younger. The man was now a teenager. What did his wife and son say when they saw him?
I wonder if the Greeks are having as weird a day as I am... Cassandra thought as she passed through the city.
---
"AAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHH!" pause. "AAAARRRGGGGHHH!"
"By Zeus, brother! What's going on!" Agamemnon rushed into Menelaus' tent as fast as he could. "AAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHH!"
"I see everyone has realised they look different," Odysseus muttered as he stared at his reflection in the sea. Actually, he didn't mind his new look. He wasn't as short was before, nor as feeble-looking nor puny. The Ithacan king was pretty pleased with himself.
"Morning, Odysseus."
"Hello Diome-- hey! You don't look so different!"
"I know. Strange, huh?" the king of Argos said as he sat down next to Odysseus. "You look really good, actually."
"Why thank you, I'd like to think so myself."
"Well, we're the lucky ones. Menelaus has put on about 5 stones and Patroclus has got 10 years younger."
"WHAT!"
"He looks more like the older brother of Neoptolemus than the older... relative of Achilles. Of course, he still has his lovely eyes and is very, very cute in his own way. It's just very unnerving."
"Something strange is going on, Diomedes."
"I agree, Odysseus. But why is this happening?"
The auburn-haired intellect thought about it for a while. "It's probably the gods," he said in the end. "So we should just relax because it is our fate."
There was another scream. It sounded like Achilles and Patroclus had just crossed paths, and the two did not like what they saw.
"Sometimes, "Diomedes muttered truthfully. "I'm afraid of my fate."
---
Sometimes, Cassandra thought. I'm afraid of the future.
The priestess of Apollo stood outside her temple, staring at the mass of people standing around the doors. A maiden was standing there, dressed in ceremonial robes. She was beautiful.
Cassandra ran forward and pushed her way through the crowd. She saw the maiden clearer now, and her loveliness rivalled that of Dawn, of Helen, of Aphrodite.
"Hello, and who might you be?" Cassandra asked.
The maiden stared at the princess with her golden eyes. "My name is Antimony." she replied. Her voice resembled a siren's, though Cassandra wouldn't really know the difference.
"Antimony? Don't you mean Antigone?"
"No," the maiden said gently. "My name is Antimony, daughter of the moon goddess Artemis and Hyacinthus, a prince. Although my father was Spartan, I was brought up by the nymphs of my mother and have had a hate for Sparta ever since. I only want Troy to prevail in this war that has lasted for so long."
So long? Cassandra thought. It's only been two weeks.
"Even if this war has lasted only two weeks, it is still a long time," Antimony said, as if reading Cassandra's mind. "I shall ask my mother to help in this war."
"I always thought Artemis asked Zeus for eternal virginity when she was just four years old." The Trojan princess said.
"Four years is a long time for a God," the demigoddess. "My father seduced my mother before then."
And you do realise that your father, Hyacinthus, was Apollo's underage bitch before his unfortunate discus-incident?
"My father was Apollo's favourite, but they were nothing more than friends," Antimony said quickly, defensively.
I'll bet...
"Oh, how rude I am!" Antimony cried. "I did not greet you at all! Who are you?"
Cassandra shrugged. "I am Cassandra, daughter of King Priam and priestess of Apollo." She suddenly realised that Antimony's hair was the same shade of antimony, even though antimony hadn't been discovered yet. But no matter, on with the story.
"Oh my God!" Antimony exclaimed, clapping her white hands together. "I'm the new priestess, head priestess of Aphrodite! This will be so cool, we can do rituals together! I've just started, you see. Maybe you can show me the ropes?"
Cassandra cast away the image of Antimony being hanged; she smiled and nodded slowly. "Alright."
---
The rest of the day didn't turn any better. Antimony forced Cassandra to take her to the palace and meet her family. The silver-haired girl's beauty outdid Helen's, everyone agreed. Even Helen herself.
Damn, I wish she was the face that launched a thousand ships... the Spartan queen thought guiltily. It had only been two weeks since the start of the battles, and countable lives had been lost, but she still felt bad.
"Despair not, Helen of Troy," Antimony said soothingly. "You should happy now that you are away from that dreadful Menelaus."
"But I miss my daughter..." Helen sniffed and thought tearfully of little Hermione and her angelic face. "And Menelaus was not bad looking." Helen quite liked redheads, actually.
Antimony giggled a laugh that resembled the sound of little tinkling bells; Cassandra fought the urge not to throw up while Hector and Paris swooned, drooled and did the rest of the latter.
Little Skamandrios started to wail in Hector's arms: he obviously did not like his father staring lustfully at other people. Babies had a lot more empathy than most people, don't you know?
"Awww... poor little thing..." sang Antimony, taking Skamandrios gently to her bosom. Immediately, her strawberry scent calmed the baby and sent him into a peaceful sleep. Sighing with content, the so-said demigoddess handed the infant to a waiting wet nurse.
"That was amazing..." Cassandra confessed. "I've never seen Astyanax quiet down so quickly -- not even with his mother!"
"Well, I guess I just have a way with children!" Antimony shrugged happily, her eyes shining like they contained stars. A random bluebird landed on her shoulder and sang a merry song.
"She is beautiful..." Paris muttered, rather retarded.
"More beautiful than all the nymphs, naiads and goddess put together," agreed Hector, nodding.
"Brother, you're MARRIED!" Cassandra hissed in both disbelief and anger. "You have a SON!" she pointed in Skamandrios' direction.
"Odysseus is married and has a son too, but that doesn't stop him screwing around with Diomedes," Priam said sensibly.
"THAT has not yet proven to be canonical!" the pro-canon Trojan princess shot back.
"Well," Antimony stood up, clapping her hands. "I need to get back to the temple. It's time for midnight mass!" Despite the fact midnight mass is not a part of Ancient Greek religion.
Paris immediately wrapped his arms around Antimony's slender legs. "No goddess, I beg of you! Stay the night in our palace!"
"Oh Paris..." cooed the maiden, her golden eyes sensing his distress. "I am no goddess and I cannot stay here. I have vowed virginity to the goddess Aphrodite--"
Despite Aphrodite being a serial whore... Cassandra sniggered.
"--so I cannot stay at the palace. Besides, the gods have foretold that I am destined for one man and one man only."
"Who is that!" Hector cried, shooting up from his chair. "I will hunt him down and make you mine forever!"
Cassandra gave her brother a oO;; look: something more than just weird was taking place. Thank gods Andromache was present to witness her husband's spontaneous madness.
But Antimony just smiled a smile of sunshine from her petal-soft lips at Hector, son of Priam. Then she lifted her satin azure robes and patted her dainty feet out of the royal palace.
As soon as she left, Cassandra had a vision:
Fire and screaming. Antimony was crying, her sobs piecing the hearts of all within earshot. The sounds of Greek men laughing, cackling as they tore the maiden's clothes and ran their bloodstained hands up her silky soft body. The poor priestess was all alone, and her crystal tears fell onto the ground in greater quantity and sorrow than Niobe and --
Cassandra slammed a hand over her mouth and ran to the bathroom to throw up her guts. Aeneas, who was outside helping his father find his teeth, sighed in defeat for poor Cassandra.
To Be Continued...
A/N: Did you enjoy that? Would you like some more? There is Achilles/Patroclus in the next chapter, just in case you wanted to know...