I'm in a mood today so I decided to write this one shot about Meredith's drowning in 3x15,3x16,3x17. I wrote what I think really happened. If you're depressed, read this :) if you're not, also read this :) and please let me know what you think.
This is written from the perspective of Meredith and followed by the song skyscraper.
—————
Where do I begin? Today. Today was not good. Well, not good is an understatement. Today was horrible. I didn't plan this on happening, I didn't. All I wanted is my life to keep going the way they were. Before today. But my life have been pretty screwed up lately... so I guesse, we never get what we want.
It started in the morning. In the bathtub. I went inside, to the hot water, and stared. I stared and couldn't help but think about my life. My mother. She destroyed me. She happened to me. And as much as I hate her right now, I don't want her to die. No. She's still the only family I have. Not only she has Alzheimer's, but she's having heart surgery as well. My life isn't great at this moment. And Derek. Oh Derek. I love him, I really do. But is it enough? I'm his rebound girl. His distraction for what happened with Mark and Addison. First, he won't tell me he is married. Then, he chooses her over me. And finally, he gets mad on me for things I didn't even do! Is it possible that he doesn't really love me? No! He's Derek. He loves me. He has to.
Right?
I don't know... I don't know a freaking thing anymore. I'm fading away. I'm disappearing. I'm dark. I'm twisty. But yet, I'm alive. My mind kept running as my body lowered into the water and my grip on the side of the tub lightened. I had no answers to any of my questions. What did I do to deserve what happened to me? What did I do? Well, I, Meredith Grey, the whore, the slutty intern, the dirty mistress, the one who broke a 15 years marriage, the one who couldn't even get her sick mother to be proud, the one who disappoints everyone around her, the bitch, the stupid, the careless human being, I deserve it. I deserve the suffer. I don't deserve to live. the water finally passed my eyes and I held my breath. I waited and waited. But why did I wait? It's not like someone cares about me. No one will come. I'm going to be here alone, until the end.
But then I heard footsteps. I was already dizzy from the lack of oxygen, did I just imagine them? I thought I did.
But then I saw Derek's face leaning over me. "Meredith?" He asked me. I didn't really respond so he reached for me and pulled me out. I breathed heavily. Someone came. Someone still cares. I still had a reason to live. Maybe I did have hope after all. He pulled me out and looked at me, his face puzzled. I looked blankly back at him. After a few moments of silence, I wrapped a towel over me and stepped out. My day has been a downhill since then.
I got to the hospital, still kind of depressed. The day has been a mess. First me seeing my mother, again, but she wasn't lucid this time. Then there was Cristina in the locker room, what's wrong with her? And then the ferry boat crash. Bailey, Izzie, George, Alex and I all sat at the Ambulance that drove us to the scene. Little did I know that the next time I'll be riding an ambulance, it won't be as a doctor.
We arrived. George helped me down and I secured my first aid bag. I looked around. About a thousand of injuries. Gallons and gallons of blood and tears. Fire. Smoke. The water. So many people got hurt. What did they do to deserve it? Were they also as screwed up as me? I walked around. Green mat, yellow mat, red mat. And another colorless mat, filled with bodies. My daze broke off by this little girl. I don't even know her name. She was all alone, just like me. Her mother wasn't around, maybe she didn't care, maybe she was lying on an OR table now, maybe she was dead... it didn't matter. Reasons Didn't matter. This helpless girl was alone. She was scared. She wasn't talking. She wet her pants. I couldn't help but hold her shaking little hands. She hugged me. Poor thing.
I moved through the patients. They all seemed stable. The girl's little hand was still attached to mine and she still hasn't said a word. I looked at water again, only to see a man climbing up. His leg was broken, his bone sticking out. I treated him but he kept moving and moving and moving. He fought me. He was shivering and hurt. He lost blood. He needed to get to the hospital, and fast. I worked as quick as I could and layed my coat over him. The little girl was still there, facing away from us. The man didn't stop moving and with one wild swing of his arm, he knocked me down.
Before I could even process what happened, I was already deep down in the water.
I opened my eyes and the salty water burned them. I was underwater. I couldn't get up. It was so cold... I tried my best to keep my head above the water but it was so hard, I swallowed so much water that I couldn't help but cough. I couldn't breath. The cold surrounded me. It was so cold I was numb. My head didn't feel attached to my body anymore. I tried, keeping my head up, I tried breathing, I tried fighting, but I couldn't. My swimming got me nowhere, I was already far away from dry land. I wanted to scream for help but my voice would've function. I kept kicking and kicking and kicking. I didn't care I was shaking from cold. I didn't care that my lips were already blue. I just wanted to get out. But for what seemed like half a moment I asked myself,
Why?
Why not get it over with?
So for one half of a moment, I stopped. I stopped, but then I wanted to fight more. I tried to move my limbs again. I tried. I wanted to live. I wanted to make things right. I wanted more. But from the second I stopped, I couldn't start again. I was already hypothermic before my head went underwater. I knew that. I tried to fight one more time. I coughed one last time. And the world went black.
It was a shock for a moment, but the next thing I know, I was dead. It's pathetic! All my life, I've been asking and wishing for things. I never got them. But now? Now I wanted to die. For like, one moment. And now I got what I want. Correction, wanted. This wasn't me trying to kill my self. It wasn't suicide because I fought. It's just that... it wasn't enough.
Then I woke up to my afterlife. I knew it was my brain. It's all one big dream. Imagination. I woke up to see all of the dead people (and dog) that I somehow cared about. It was sad. Depressing. They all thought I did this. It wasn't me! I fought! I tried! It was the water! The coldness! Not me!
But no One listened. They all blamed me. They reminded me of all of the people I ruined. And even after I die, I manage to ruin people. Then there was this other moment that I asked myself, why not stay here? I'm dead, right? I'll be better here.
But I was wrong. So so wrong. Because then I finally understood. People cared about me. People will cry if I'll be gone. People would notice, people will miss me. People that live with me, that see me everyday, people will feel that I'm not there. People care. Even when you think they don't, they care. I got that now. I panicked. I wanted to go back.
Then I saw my mother. No. I didn't want her to die. She ruined me, that's right, but why death? Did I already tell you how unfair this world is? She hugged me. She told me that I'm anything but ordinary. She's right. I am. I have things that nobody else does. I went through things. I managed to deal with them. I got through them, and I can get through this as well.
I have to go back.
She cared. And I cared. And someone else must care too. I ran. I didn't know where, but I ran.
There were more a few moments of shock until I was back. I immediately regretted it. It hurt. So much. Did you know that dying hurts? I was still cold. So so cold. I breathed in and more cold air filled my system. Why was I still so cold? I felt something warm, on my legs. Was someone here? Some cared. I knew it. I sighed and tried to open my eyes. Nothing. Maybe I can talk? But nothing more than mumbles came out of my mouth. I heard Cristina, she was here, she was talking to me, she begged me not to be like this. Be like what? She told me to form a word.
All I could think about was the word "ouch".
She started crying, her warm tears dripping over my face. Kinda gross but cute. Why was she crying? Why was I crying?
Oh right, I died.
"I'm getting married to Burke" she said quickly. My eyes slowly opened and a smile formed on my face. I was so happy for her! All I wanted to do was jump and hug her. We don't hug, but right now I really wanted to. It was like she read my mind because the next thing I knew was her hands holding me and whispering "thank you for not dying". I tried to hold her back but I was too tired. And weak. And cold. So I just laid there and let her hug me. She cared. Someone cared.
"Cristina?" I whispered. "Yeah?" She was still crying. "I'm freezing" I whispered again. She nodded, whipped her face, and covered me with some more blankets. It was better. She told me about the proposal, she told me about the ring, she told me about how she wanted to tell me in the morning but couldn't, she told me how she hysterically looked for me only to find me laying dead in a trauma room. She told me about her 'try again'. I held her hand from under the covers. She was so warm.
Suddenly I turned my head over and noticed a bunch of people standing outside of the room. I smiled. More people cared. They cared and they still do. They smiled back to me. "Can we come in?" Izzie mouthed me. I nodded. Izzie, Alex, and George walked in. All the five of us in one room. "I thought we lost you" George said, he was still crying. He cared. Alex was on the verge of tears as well and I couldn't help but smile.
"Thank you" I somehow croaked out.
"For what?" Izzie asked me, holding my other hand.
"For caring"
—————
Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending
Like we never had a chance
Do you have to make me feel like
There's nothing left of me?
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better
To watch me while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here,
Watch you disappear
Yeah-oh, go run, run, run
Yeah, it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper, oh-oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
(Like a skyscraper)
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper