A/N: now this was written when i was halfway through CoLS.

I just had to do this after the talk between Clary and Sebastian(Jonathan)
Uhm, now if you have read the whole thing, you may find out that it is slightly OC :)
BTW it happens after their first visit at Luke's

Song of choice: Open your eyes by Andrew belle.

i don't own anything

Why are you looking at me like this?

I look up at you, quiet, while you stare down at me, tears in your eyes.
Not tears of joy that you look down on your baby, but tears of anger and disgust.

"You are not my child" you hiss, clutching the edges of the crib and I can see your knuckles turning white.

"You're a monster."

I want to answer, but I know that it would scare you.
I know that because my mind is fully awake, it would scare you even more to see your baby talking to you.

You leave as soon as you hear the sound of the door.
Father has returned…

But what have I done? Why do you hate me?

When I was even younger, inside of your womb, you have kept telling Father that you would go crazy if I was a screamer…

I don't scream, but you still hate me.
I don't make a mess, and you still hate me.
I try to touch you and you flinch, not wanting to feel the touch of my tiny fingers.

Am I a monster?

You never show me to other people, afraid of their hurting words, but not to protect me.
You don't want to hear the words because they hurt you, not me.
How should I learn how to be human when you treat me like an abomination, locked away from the world, unable to experience emotions besides hate and disgust…

I don't blame you, mother, for what I was when I was born.
But I blame you for what I am now.
For all the things you have done and didn't do.
For the things you ran away from and that happened while you lived your happy life with my sister…
For father's sorrow…
For father's anger…
For the hate he felt…
And most of all, I blame you for allowing him to take it all out on me.

Despite his words, his pride that he sometimes showered me with, I know that he hated me.
I was the reason you had fled, and I was the reason you'd never be able to return.

But at least he was rational.
He forged, shaped and trained me to be a weapon, devoid of any feelings.

And he succeeded.
I was an empty shell, simply obeying his orders…

Until now.

When Jace and I became one, something strange happened.

Instead of becoming Jace's master completely, some of his emotions swashed over to me.
At first I thought something had gone wrong, but eventually I decided that if two containers, filled with emotions did the ritual, it would have gone differently.
Since I am devoid of emotions, ergo an empty container, some of his had found their way into me…
It may be embarrassing to admit, but right after the ritual, as soon as we got to our hideout, I broke down.

For the second time in my life, I cried.

I felt the hurt, the regret, the guilt and the pain of betrayal…
I actually felt again, for the first time in years.
And for that, I both love and hate Jace.
He taught me how to cope with the feelings and I learned to hide them again.

But when I met you, after all that has happened between us, I felt happy.
I don't know why, or how I could feel happy, looking into your face.
You hate me, and you did little to hide that fact when I was a baby.
But when I saw you, I felt something I had never felt before.

A bond.

And that bond made me angry.
It was too late, so I teased you, hurt you, tried to push you away by pulling you close.
I was afraid of losing myself, so I pressured you to push me away like you always have.

And as always you did.

I think unconsciously, I've been doing this my whole life.
Pulling people closer, allowing them a glance at the wicked and rotten side of me…
None of them ever dared to come closer, but fled me.

And now, I wish for someone that dares to cross that line.
To come closer, and see the real me, the one that has been hiding behind a mask of arrogance and mockery.
A mask, that I was forced to create under the strict hand of father.

I am not saying that I am a poor innocent boy, captured in the prejudice of being a selfish killer because of father.

No.

I know that I am insane to a point, and that there is a demon inside of me leading me to do things most can't even begin to understand.
And sometimes, I like the insanity.
But on the other hand, I am also human.
Which is really easy to forget, I think.

"Sebastian?"

The door opens and I turn my head to look at Jace who stuck his head through the door, looking at me with worry in his eyes.
I sit up on my bed and put on my usual grin.
He nods towards the piece of paper in my lap.

"What are you writing?"

I stare down at the empty page and sigh.

"Nothing, just notes."

Satisfied with this answer, because I said so, Jace nods.

"I prepared some lunch, you should eat."

I chuckle.
In a way it is nice to have someone care about you, even if it's all fake.

"Go ahead, I'll be down in a minute."

He closes the door and leaves me alone again.
I had intended to write down a letter for my mother, to tell her about me the way she never saw me.
But among the many words that still haunt my mind, I can think of only one that includes all of them.
And I am sure that mother understands it.
I pick up the pen and neatly write it down, before putting it back into the little chest I stole from her.

When I reach the door, I hear Jace humming softly downstairs.
I look back and stare at the chest, feeling a pull towards it, but I free myself when I feel the scars on my back burn and leave.
If my mother ever gets a hold of that chest again, she'll find a piece of paper in it, with only one word written on it in black, thick ink.

"Why?"