Disclaimer: Once upon a time there was a narrator who took it upon herself to screw up every story she could get her hands on. With complete and utter disregard for the opinions of others, authors and fans alike, she made it her mission to corrupt any good plot line or character development she had the means to. With the help of her tech-savvy computer and her skills of destroying anything she put her mind to, she quickly set to work on annoying the crap out of everybody. These are her stories.

As Peeta hurdled through the forest, the only thing he could think about was saving Katniss's life. He rounded a tree and stopped dead, his eyes like huge, white circles at the spectacle before him. Horror gripped his heart and he cried out, "Katniss!"

"OMG, Peeta! Calm your tits! This is so not a big deal," Katniss scolded him, pulling her face away from Thresh's lips just long enough to say these few words, then reattaching to them magnetically.

"Katniss, I don't understand. You told me you loved me," Peeta said.

"Get with the program. That was so 2 minutes ago. Quit living in the past, it's pathetic."

"I dare say, young squire," Thresh began in an English accent, "You seem quite hung up on this saucy lass. If it is her liver you wish to inhabit, I would not be against dueling you for her. I am quite at my leisure." He smiled and peeled off a glove, then slapped Peeta across the face. "I challenge you to a duel."

"Ooh, card games! I love card games!" an enthusiastic Foxface exclaimed, pulling up a chair and grinning in anticipation.

"Card games? EFF the what? I thought we were going to murder each other," Peeta said.

"Alas, no, dear chap." Thresh chuckled heartily, "What a ridiculous notion! Perish the thought. We are all gentlemen here. We shall behave ourselves in a noble manner. Now, let us away."

The dueling arena rose dramatically out of the ground in a cheery meadow that glittered with butterfly wings and hopes and dreams. Hopes that would soon be crushed. Dreams the blood of which would splatter the walls of the winner's subconscious for the rest of his/her life.

"My Deck, Foxface, if you please," Thresh requested politely.

"Sure thing, babe," Foxface complied, presenting him with a pristine deck of concealed cards.

"Wait, he called you Foxface," Peeta said.

"Yep. That's my name," Foxface said.

"But that's just a name we made up to describe you. It can't be your actual name."

Foxface crossed her arms angrily. "Well, the narrator doesn't know my actual name, so she just decided that it would be Foxface. It was either that or Bobbi, and what kind of a stupid name is Bobbi? I mean seriously, only androgynous Mary Sues are named Bobbi. Geez, the nerve of some people."

"IKR! Peeta is totally vred." Katniss said.

"Okay, what does that even mean?" Peeta demanded irritably.

"WTH? Like I know that. Ask the narrator. She finished high school." Katniss said.

"I just copied it from a book I read. I'm not mindless enough to keep up with all the modern jargon," the narrator defended.

"Was that the Gamemaker?" Peeta asked.

"Your mom is the Gamemaker," Foxface snorted.

"LOL! ROTFL! LMAO!" Katniss said, clicking all the buttons on her Blackberry.

"Wait, where'd you get a phone?" Peeta asked.

"I say, old bean. Please refrain from stalling. I would dearly like to begin our duel so I may make haste in creaming you," Thresh interrupted.

"But I don't have cards. I don't even know how to play."

"So you surrender, then?"

Peeta nodded uncertainly.

Thresh smiled and clapped his hands together. "Good show! Thus the gentlewoman belongs to me."

"Heh. All your base are belong to us," Foxface said.

"REPOST!" Katniss yelled, stamping the words on her forehead in red ink.

Glimmer suddenly walked through the clearing, shaking her head violently. "I whip my hair back and forth." She then rammed her head into a tree and promptly passed out.

"Oh boy! Fresh meat!" Foxface fly-tackled the fallen girl and began eating her left arm.

Peeta grabbed his head in confusion, "What's going on?"

"Here, Peeta, this belongs to you. Thresh and I are hopping the next jet to Egypt. Hope your life sucks without me." Katniss handed him a wicker basket, then was whisked away by Thresh.

Peeta opened the basket, and nearly dropped it. He gently lifted a baby out of it. "But we never had sex!"

"Mokuba!" a deep voice demanded. A tall youth in a purple, billowy cape of doom swooped into the field. "Hands off my brother, you fool!"

"He's all yours, man," Peeta surrendered, handing the baby to the boy with green hair.

"Wait, this isn't Mokuba. What have you done with him, cruel overlord?"

"Seto, this is not your story. How many times do I have to delete you?" the narrator fussed.

"Wait, no –" he disappeared.

"I am so confused," Peeta said, sitting down and holding his head aloft.

"Don't worry, mate," Foxface said, smiling encouragingly as blood dripped from her teeth.

Peeta scrambled away in horror and ran smack into a furry tree. But as he looked, it was not a furry tree. No, it was a mutt, a giant werecat!

"Mew," the werecat protested in the most innocent of voices.

"Bark! Bark!" Foxface barked at the werecat.

"Oh, to Panem with this," Peeta sighed, picking up a loaded .33 and blowing his brains out.

And now for the second half of Days of Our Lives.

The End