Thank you to my beta-reader, Symphony17, who is a constant source of inspiration, and to my beloved readers who inspire me with confidence. Reviews are greatly appreciated!
Captain Unohana raised a handkerchief to her cheek and wiped away a tear as the fire flared up against the coffin. The Head Captain had passed away in his sleep only the night before, and every Soul Reaper now lined the funeral pyre, heads bowed respectfully, as the coffin bearing the Head Captain's body burned. The lieutenants and captains were closest, and a mile of black-clad Soul Reapers stretched out behind them.
Now a single question rose from the murk to take over everybody's minds. Which captain got to be the new head captain?
It was time. Campaigns were starting over Seireitei, with slogans plastered over the walls and faces leering from every corner. The grinning face of Mayuri Kurotsuchi and the slogan scrawled across the bottom of the poster was the main cause of heart attacks when rounding a corner, upsetting Squad 4 members across Seireitei.
Rangiku Matsumoto, Squad 10 lieutenant, was putting up a humongous poster of her captain while humming and not trying hard enough to keep her chest inside her shihakusho as she reached up to stick a tack in the top right corner. The poster bore a picture of Toshiro, or, rather, half of his face, because he wasn't tall enough to fit in the viewfinder. However, that worked out fine, because the slogan fit perfectly just above his wild white hair and glaring turquoise eyes.
She was going to vote for her own captain, of course, or was going to until she checked the list of people running for head captain.
"Gin!" she exclaimed, putting a hand to her chest in shock. "Gin is running for head captain! Oh, captain, do you see this?"
To which her captain had replied:
"Matsumoto, you traitor."
And the subject was not spoken of again.
Today was the day, though. The stadium was set up, the chairs were filling up, and people were coming from all around Seireitei to meet the captains running for head captain and place their votes. It was, after all, a democratic society.
And then there was Rukia, who wanted to vote for Chappy. Someone had to explain to her that it was between the captains of the 13 Court Guard Squads and, not only that, but some of them weren't even running. Soi Fon from Squad 2, for instance, as well as Komamura of Squad 7 and Tosen of Squad 9.
"Hello and welcome," a clear, steady voice called out across the waves of Soul Reapers. An immediate hush filled the stadium. Nanao, who stood on the stage with a clipboard and a microphone, cleared her throat and looked down at the clipboard in a business-like fashion to name the first man up.
"You know why you're all here," Nanao explained. "And I don't like this any more than you do, so let's get straight to the point. We will have a short interview with each captain to find out what he would do for Seireitei if he is voted head captain. First up is Squad 3 captain, Gin Ichimaru!"
There were some half-hearted cheers as a poster of Gin rolled out onto the stage. Gin appeared and gave a little wave, grinning just like in his poster, as he headed for podium. He cleared his throat.
"Hello," he said cheerfully. "As you can all see, my slogan for—"
With a sudden feral shriek and a flash of pink cloth and ginger hair, Gin was gone. Just like that. There was no warning, no leading up to it, and no proper reason. Nanao blinked. She raised a hand to straighten her glasses, and then cleared her throat.
"Er… we are experiencing some technical difficulties," she said slowly. "It's technically difficult to explain, being the matter. Therefore, we will move on to the next captain running. Please welcome Captain Retsu Unohana of Squad 4!"
There was more enthusiastic applause this time as the plain, gentle captain made her way to the podium. She nodded gratefully.
"Thank you," she said. "If you just look behind me, you can see my slogan for this campaign. My slogan is 'Retsu Unohana – for all those times you've got a sword up your backside.' Now, I'm sure most of you can relate, but it is a very difficult procedure removing the sword so as not to cause any damage to your reproductive capabilities. I know this because I have performed this operation myself on at least three Squad 11 members. I am very happy to be here today."
"That's… er… nice," Nanao said, frowning very slightly. Her dark eyes darted down to her clipboard. "Captain Unohana, what makes you think you have what it takes to be head captain?"
"I think it would be nice to have a compassionate female head captain," Unohana continued honestly, still smiling. "If Squad 4 becomes the new leading squad, our work will be much more appreciated. We work day after day without rest to ensure that Seireitei is a safe place of healing, and the Squad 11 members ruin it for us day after day. It is very difficult merely existing in a world where doctors cannot be taken seriously."
"I had no idea you were so opposed to the matter," Nanao said curiously. "Er… now, if you become head captain, what would be the first thing you do?"
"Disband Squad 11," Unohana replied, still smiling as gently as possible.
"I see." Nanao looked shocked, but somehow she managed to regain her composure. "And what will you aspire to do as head captain?"
"Make sure that Zaraki Kenpachi is never allowed to design a World of the Living video game rated M+ for violence."
Nanao choked on the words. "That will be all, thank you, captain."
Captain Unohana nodded, gave a neat little bow, and finally headed off the stage. Her poster was rolled off the stage behind her and the next one came on.
"The next captain we will be having here," Nanao said, looking down at her clipboard. "Will be Sosuke Aizen, Squad 5 captain."
Hinamori, in the front row, cheered very loudly as the captain came on, his hair slicked back, smiling charismatically.
"Hello," he said to the crowd. "This campaign is not actually so important to me. In actuality, this is a fight to promote my new line of hair products, Ever-luscious by Sosuke Aizen. As you can see, I myself am currently wearing the Ever-luscious Hair Gel, the bestselling product."
"Then why in hell are you here?" Nanao asked exasperatedly.
"I explained that already," Captain Aizen replied calmly. "To promote my new line of hair products. If you look behind me there, you can see that my slogan reads 'The new in hair products – Ever-luscious, by Sosuke Aizen."
"I am required to ask you the following questions," Nanao said, her grin tightening on her clipboard. "Are you sane?"
"Perfectly," Captain Aizen assured her. Nanao cleared her throat and looked down at the clipboard, her eyes smoldering with anger.
"What makes you think you have what it takes to be head captain, when you obviously don't?" She asked. Aizen looked thoughtful.
"Amazing hair," he said, winking. Hinamori slowly fell backward and was caught by Lieutenant Isane, who immediately began fanning the momentarily unconscious lieutenant. Aizen's smile widened slightly.
"If you become head captain, and you won't, what would be the first thing you do?" Nanao asked through gritted teeth.
"Sell discounted hair products to all of my wonderful subjects," Aizen said, giving the ever-popular beauty contest wave, his hand cupped in the air as he threw kisses to the crowd. Nanao winced, trembling slightly in an effort to remain calm.
"What will you… aspire to do as head captain?" Nanao asked, the volume of her voice severely diminished. Aizen ducked his head slightly.
"Well," he said softly. "I wish to be the first captain ever to have a gorgeous caramel brown full head of hair, thanks to Ever-luscious Caramel Chocolate Home-Safe hair dye, by Sosuke Aizen, and Ever-luscious Hair-do-Grow, by Sosuke Aizen."
"That will be all," Nanao growled, the clipboard buckling under her fingernails. As Captain Aizen marched off the stage proudly and his poster was wheeled off, the clipboard nearly broke in two. Nanao was silent for a moment as she took a few deep breaths to calm herself.
"The next captain in the running," she announced finally, "will be none other than Kuchiki Clan Head and Captain of Squad 6, Byakuya Kuchiki."
The stoic Kuchiki Head appeared on the edge of the stage, walking with his head held high, his face expressionless. Behind him, the poster of him surrounded by flower petals was titled 'What stick?'
"I have a question before we begin this game," he said distastefully. "I have been commonly confronted with mentions of a certain stick placed in a certain place, but neither the place nor the stick has been made apparent. That is why, in all honesty, my question to you today is 'What stick?'"
Nanao immediately blushed, and there was some restrained laughter except from a certain red-haired lieutenant in the front row, who made no effort to silence his brays of laughter. Byakuya watched the crowd, his eyes cold and gray, as he made an attempt to remember what it was he said that was so funny.
"It's a… er… joke," Nanao invented, hurriedly pushing her glasses farther up her nose. "Captain, what-makes-you-think-you-have-what-it-takes-to-be-head-captain?"
"Firstly, I believe the funds I could provide for Seireitei alone could be beneficial to the environment of the brave soldiers who work hard to protect the world from Hollows and save the lives of souls," Byakuya began. "But especially because I believe that no one else is suited to this job, and that if anyone but I were to be placed it that position of utmost respect, Seireitei would fall to ruins. I still believe the captain's haoris are cheap."
"That's oddly reassuring to hear," Nanao said. "Looks like I won't have to pay for my captain's replacement anyway. Anyway," she continued hurriedly. "If you were to become head captain, what would be your first official act?"
"I would like to ban all jokes in Seireitei," Byakuya said immediately, "for those who cannot understand their meanings and are cast into depression because a joke is told and they simply cannot understand it. Therefore, in the moments following my coronation, I will ban all jokes and joking in Seireitei, making cracking them illegal."
"I see." Nanao looked seriously depressed by now. In a dull tone, she posed the next question. "What will you aspire to do as head captain, besides make the Seireitei drearier than a single library book entrusted to you left on the bench in the rain by a certain lazy, good for nothing captain who asked to borrow it for research purposes and never gave it back?"
"I will aspire to be an honest ruler who attends to the needs of the people," Byakuya replied calmly. Nanao nodded.
"That'll be all," she said. "I understand your slogan now, by the way."
"Oh?" Byakuya asked, interested.
"Not that I'd tell you," Nanao finished frostily. The poster rolled off the stage and, yet again, a new one replaced it, this time of a man wearing a hat and a pink coat over his haori, a bottle of sake in his limp hand. He was sleeping on a couch while drooling, his thumb in his mouth. Nanao laughed aloud, then clapped her hands over her mouth as the captain appeared.
"Nanao-chan," he complained. "I thought we went over the pictures you took and agreed on the one with me framed by the sunset on a beach surrounded by girls. I haven't seen that one before in my life!"
"I took it after the photo shoot and decided that that picture better captured your true self," Nanao replied smugly, raising a hand to push her glasses farther up her nose. She cleared her throat and turned to the crowd. "Please welcome Squad 8 captain, Shunsui Kyoraku!"
There were murmured chuckles as Kyoraku unsuccessfully tried to drag the poster back off-stage. Nanao stomped up to him and whacked him over the head with her mangled clipboard. Kyoraku's hat went lopsided.
"Get over here and answer the questions," she snapped. "Then you're free to go get drunk while I finish up with the duty you volunteered me for."
"You don't have to be so harsh, Nanao-chan," Kyoraku murmured as he rubbed his head slowly. "I was just trying to help the Seireitei. Are you purposefully sabotaging my campaigning efforts?"
"You mean my campaigning efforts?" Nanao corrected. "I did that while you lazed about drinking. Face it, you're already an old drunk, so don't make yourself a powerful old drunk. It wouldn't be fair to Seireitei."
"Questions or no?" Kyoraku asked, clearing his throat as he took a stand leaning against the podium, smiling serenely. Nanao didn't even need to look down at her clipboard.
"What do you have to say about your slogan?" Nanao asked, nodding up to the poster that read 'Insert Profound Slogan Here.'
"Well, my lovely dear lieutenant slacked in her duties momentarily and forgot to fill in the insertion quotes," Kyoraku explained. "I'm not complaining or anything; my lieutenant is the sun and moon in my life, the one thing that makes my existence bearable. Without my lieutenant, I would be so more than a lazy, good for nothing old drunk."
"I haven't done anything to change that," Nanao said. She looked down at her clipboard. "What makes you think you have what it takes to be head captain?"
"I don't," Kyoraku admitted. "I just want to be able to sit in a comfortable chair during a captain's meeting and not disrupt the standing line. My lieutenant will do all the paperwork for me."
"I will, will I?" Nanao fumed. Kyoraku shrugged.
"If you become head captain, what would be the first thing you do?" Nanao asked sweetly. She expected him to be unable to answer this.
"Celebrate," Kyoraku promptly responded. "Drinks for all of my good friends!"
A cheer went up in the packed courtyard. Nanao displayed a generic face-palm with a slap that resonated throughout the stadium.
"What will you aspire to do as head captain?" she asked, her voice muffled through her hand. Kyoraku pursed his lips thoughtfully, scratching his chin as he stared off into space. He nodded, brightening up.
"Make drinking not only allowed during the day, but also a requirement here in Seireitei, for all those weary, put-upon young soldiers, male and female," he said cheerfully. The cheers were deafening. Nanao pulled at her hair, which was up in its usual bun, and fell to her knees in anguish.
"Are you all right, Nanao-chan?" Kyoraku asked, puzzled.
"No!" Nanao wailed as the poster was dragged offstage and Kyoraku was forced to follow after it to make room for the next captain. The next captain who came onstage was somewhat short, and the tip of his sword dragged along the ground as he made his way to the podium, which he was invisible behind. Nanao's eye twitched, and crazed laughter followed her anguished wail. The captain frowned.
"After a short break," Nanao wheezed. "Toshiro Hitsugaya of Squad 10 will be our next guest. Stay tuned in to the 'Soul Society Head Captain Campaign' to hear what the Squad 10 captain has to say about himself and why he should be the next head captain."