Garfield League of America Chapter One
You Can Save The World Alone!
Author's Foreward: I was very disappointed by First Theatrical Justice League Movie and instead of complaining about it on Internet decided to fix it myself in style of tribute to my favorite fanfic author
It was endless cloudy and gray days for world because the Superman had died saving world and now violence crime of hates was on the rise in his absent wake.
With no hope left and no one to stop them bad guys were doing bad things like Islamophobia, financial fraud, cannibalism and worst of all unironically listening to Phil Collins.
"Hahahahaha lets get some fresh pigs in a blanket lads!" Laughed a criminal gang with mirth as they kicked down door to precinct station. With "Sussudio" blaring in the background the criminals unleashed lethal dose of bbq cooking from their flamethrowers upon ambushed policemen.
"Oh no with Superman doing all hard work we have forgotten how to police! Now with no special mans in capes to do our jobs for us anymorewe are helpless to stop these days of hate!" Screamed police chief in despair before being roasted alive by the flames.
In far away dark cave scenes like this all across world played on computer with multiple monitor. In front of computer sat stone-faced but handsome man of lonely solitudes. It was none other than Bruce Wayne the Batman former superhero man and now miserable man of regrets.
"It is horrible the world has gone to hell in handbasket and the worst has yet to come." Said Batman with horror as he witnessed the hydra of malice that he had awoken by helping kill the Superman in the Batman vs. Superman story.
"Master Bruce you're whining alone cannot turn back these hordes. The world needs the action of men like Batman!" Said Alfred the Faithful Butler with severe disapporvals of Batman's self-pitying impotence.
"What can I do? I am but one man against millions so that means it will be lots of work! And that sounds too hard! All hope is dead!" Batman cried and kicked his chair out into spin while tearing out his hair in frustration.
While Batman was crying like failed waste of skin Alfred sighed and took out a trusty bat for baseball laced with razor wire rubbed in bat fecal matter. With perfect swing Alfred swung it into Batmans face and knkocked him flying from chair. Alfred then began disciplining beatings of sense into Batman.
"Master Bruce I thought you were a man but it would be too gracious to call you even cub scout drop out now!" Alfred said with tough loving as he spanked Batman like the sissy boy he was with his bat. "Now stop sniffling like disgrace and look up!"
Alfred pointed up at new video feed recorded by Batman's worldwide network of Batdrones on the Batcomputer. On broken bones, Batman dragged himself back up and began to watch with reluctance through puffy eyes. But as live feed developed Batman's eyes widened and suddenly he found inspirations that he had thought lost since Superman went dead.
It was typical day of banking at Lasagna Bank of England in Londontown. Pretty woman bank tellers happily hummed happy Queen songs as they did productive lasagna banking for England. In and out streamed Londoners of all shapes, eras, and creeds united by a love for the grandeur lasagna.
Suddenly without warning a ominous black van with Union Jack painted on side pulled up to bank and in rushed heavily armed gang of robber punks. Awful cacophony of the ear-bleeding degenerate excuse for music that was the Sex Pistols blared from hijacked loudspeakers like a ungraceful beached whale flopping as it suffocated stunning anybody who heard it.
"Spit out your tea and hit the deck! This is robbery of your hallowed lasagna reserves!" Shouted the Lead Robber with menace as he fired tommy gun at security mowing them down in bloodshed.
"Why are you doings this?" Asked one of the pretty woman bankers fearfully as the robbers dragged them by hair to cluster of hostages.
"For far too long our identity as British has been corrupted by the foreign parasite that is lasagna! But no more! Down with lasagna and up with real British foods like mashed peas!" Screamed Lead Robber with frothing rage. Fearful schoolchildren and women hostages cried with fear tears but Lead Robber ragingly shut them up by firing tommy gun.
"You are foolishness!" Proclaimed defiant bank manager as he blocked way to vault in front of advancing robbers. "We are stronger remaining with lasagna than leaving it!"
Hearing this the Lead Robber shrieked like tantrum baby and blasted off the bank manager's head with tommy gun. Throwing decapitated and shredded head of bank manager into fearful crowd, Lead Robber turned to face hostages as his goons prepared to drill into vault.
"You culinary traitors sure love your lasagna! Too bad then… love kills!" Lead Robber prepared to fire upon captive schoolchildren like the pizza-man grates the cheese but suddenly his groove was thrown off as the cacophonous disgrace that was "Anarchy in the UK" on loudspeakers fizzled into static and was suddenly replaced by classic hard-hitting heart-pumping heavy metal and hard rock.
"What is this? Who has replaced the important punk music of our impotent rage with this commercialist frivol!" Said Lead Robber with shock as his eye darted from corner to corner looking for interloper.
"Something is rotten here. And it's not just your taste in music." Said a mysterious but familiar voice of manly depths as "Electric Eye" by Judas Priest began playing. The eyes that were swallowed by despair mere moments ago suddenly lit up. Could it be, thought all hostages, that this mysterious voice of powerful awe belonged to just who they thought it was? "You thought to rob lasagna bank? I can't let you do that but don't despair you will all be making donations to the blood bank."
The fearful robbers began to scatter about, trying to find where the mystery man was, tripping over each other in funny fashions as they did.
"Show yourself! Or we began the cullings!" Threatened a coward robber as he shook his Glock at smirking hostage but he could not find the guts in his wicked insides to pull the trigger.
Suddenly there was a loud explosion from above. In horror the robbers looked up just in time to see orange blur descend from above creating shockwave that blasted them back as it landed.
As the smoke cleared the mysterious orange man dusted off his coat with cool style. As he did this a robber was sneaking up from behind with silenced shotgun for attack of cowardice only for the mysterious orange man to whirl around with lighting reflexes and punch off his head revealing that he was none other than Garfield!
"Hello bad dudes I'm about to make a withdrawal of your lives from this mortal plane. I'll lend you these bullets to pay the ferryman with." Garfield said with confident style as he whipped out his Desert Eagle loaded with special gold bullets and cut down two more of the robbers through the eyeballs with pinpoint accuracy.
"Oh bloody hell Garfield you were supposed to be retired! But no matter you cannot stop us!" Said Lead Robber with delusion. "Get him boys!"
The Lead Robber sent his survinvg goons at Garfield but Garfield did skillful dodges around their bullets and one by one the goons fell to Garfield's bullets and fists in a tangle of broken necks and spilled guts until it was just him and Lead Robber.
"Hold it right there!" Threatened Lead Robber as he grabbed hostage with threats of execution in one hand and held detonator with threats of explosion in other. "Take one more step and I'll send you all to your great lasagna in the sky!"
"You do not deserve to use lasagna's name in vain." Garfield said darkly as he advanced. "For every brave lasagna lover that has died today I will make sure you suffer a thousand times over."
"Aaaaggggaaiiiga!" Said Lead Robber as hostage bit his hand and ran away. Backing away powerlessly he waved detonator in hand like Mexican jumping bean. "Stop Garfield I still have the bomb and I will make big boom with it!"
"Don't make me laugh. A rat like you couldn't get it up even if the Queen touched it." Said Garfield with barbed wit as he casually shot the Lead Robber's hand to pieces with a cool trick shot.
With Lead Robber backed into corner, he covered eye and screamed like baby as Garfield sprung towards him like charging ram of fury. Fist glowing with fire Garfield unleashed a battle cry of
"SHORYUKEN!" Garfield yelled as he uppercutted the Lead Robber through roof sending him flying into sky. Leaping up after him, he unleashed spinning taekwondo kick into the Lead Robber blasting his limp body into face of Big Ben.
Trapped up to the neck between the hour and minute hand, the Lead Robber struggled to break free as he lost all bodily functions to fear.
"No Garfield please spare me! I promise I will go to reform school and become model citizen!" Lead Robber begged as Garfield climbed into Big Ben control room.
"A broken clock may be right twice a day but we must make sure you are broken first." Garfield said with a wink as he used the controls to bring the hands of clock closer to where Lead Robber's head was. Knowing there was no escape the Lead Robber cried and screamed like incoherent loser he was.
"You're the man of the hour." Garfield quipped as he decapitated the Lead Robber using the clock hands.
Returning to the liberated bank Garfield was greeted by chairs and applause. "Yay Garfield!" Said the grateful schoolchildren as their hero gave them high-fives and autographs.
"Oh Garfield how can we ever repay you for saving lasagna finances of Britain?" Asked a pretty brunette banker woman.
"Just let me open up an account and make some deposits." Garfield slyly said with a wink as he scooped the woman up in his arms and gave her passionate hero's kiss.
"Hahahahahahahahaha!" Laughed the schoolchildren and they whistled on in Garfield's support as he picked the keys off the manager's decomposing corpse and led all the hot woman bankers off to the managers private office for celebratory hour of lovemaking.
Meanwhile back in Batcave Batman was awestruck by what he had just witnessed.
"Who… who is this orange Samson?" Batman asked with admiration.
"It is none other than Garfield, the original superhero! The one who trained Superman to be the hero he was!" Alfred said with motivational speech. "You see Master Bruce even if Superman is dead there still are super men!"
"This has just given me good idea Alfred!" Said Batman with sudden inspiration. "To save the world I will gather team of super individuals to do all the hard work for me while I get all credit in end! They will be my unstoppable league for justice! I shall call them the Justice League!"
Batman took one final look at Garfield as he immersed himself in the boiling love pot of banker babes on Batcomputer screen.
"This picture show is for my eyes only." Said Garfield without looking up from intense session of love banking as he found the drone and blew it up with a single finger snap.
"And I know just where to start." Batman said with sly smile as he brought up GPS and began his search.
To be continued…?
Author's Note: If anyone from DC/Warner Bros is reading this please forget Snyder Cut or Extended Josstice League and instead remake Justice League with Garfield I promise you will make back your investment before sundown