I arrive back from the Capitol only to find myself alone, once again. Haymitch already left for getting drunk each night and spending most of his days unconscious. Greasy Sae comes and feeds me breakfast and dinner each day. I am so spaced between the real world that I can't even find myself to talk to her. I sit either in the living room or the kitchen mourning over Prim's death. Prim. If only she could see me now. I know she would be ashamed. I know what she would say.

Katniss why are you throwing your life away? What about Peeta?

But in fact, I don't even have Peeta. He arrived in 12 just a few days ago. I saw him in my yard planting primroses. I couldn't get enough courage to say thank you for all he's done. I know I can never stop owing him. I also know that the day will come when I have to face him. We are neighbors, after all. I've been thinking about him a lot recently. I can't seem to get him out of my head. Everything I think about leads back to him. The cheese buns I eat for dinner with the stew Greasy Sae made me, Peeta made those. My nightmares when I sleep. Mostly there about him. Losing him. But if they were about Prim or Cinna, I know they wouldn't be there if I was in Peeta's arms. I feel like without him in my life, I'm missing a piece. I just can't seem to shake the feeling of if I lose him there would be nothing to live for. I tell myself over and over that I have already lost him and there is nothing to live for. But knowing that he lives just a few yards away, keeps me here. Keeps me sane.

I glance out the window and see that the sun has set and it's getting dark out. I walk upstairs and turn on my shower. I take off my clothes carefully because I still hate the feeling of my scars rubbing against my clothes. I look closely in the mirror and see someone I don't recognize. A girl with scars, showing her bravery and courageous. But also a girl that has been broken from the inside-out. Heartbroken from the loss of her true love. Left behind by her sister and best friend. Lost behind her mother and Gale. Gale. I haven't thought about him since the day I shot Coin and accused him of killing Prim. I know he was behind the bombing but somewhere in my heart I feel that he didn't know they were using it against the rebels, our people. But then again I think of how easy it was for him to kill people. Innocent people. Like the Nut. His response was to fast to set "The Human Snare." It bothers me that he can just kill people so easily. Doesn't he know the effect stays with you forever?

I finally step out of the shower after 45 minutes of soaking up the warm water and letting it trickle down my back. I walk into my bedroom and open the window. It's a little stuffy from all the cooking going on for the past couple weeks. I walk over to my dresser to get my nightgown and quickly change my eyes in the direction of the box on the top of the dresser. The box contains the spiel from the Quarter Quell, the locket Peeta gave me, my mockingjay pin, Prim's ribbon, and the pearl. The same pearl that gave me hope and continues to give me hope. It gave me hope when Peeta was at the Capitol getting hi-jacked. It gave me hope when Peeta tried choking me in 13. It gives me hope when I continue to say that Peeta and I will grow back together. I know that there is a possibility that he will never love me or even look at me the same way again, but I am willing to try to gain his trust and eventually his love. I am willing to help him through his flashbacks, instead of running away and leaving him alone. I just wish I had the courage to tell him that I love him and always will. I just wish I could owe him back for all the things he has helped me through and all the things I have put him through. To tell him sorry over and over again.

I climb into bed thinking of all the things I want to tell him, but I know in my heart that never will. But as I fall asleep I decide that I will. Tomorrow.