Medieval: A Medieval Warrior Cometh
Disclaimer: Warcraft owned by Blizzard Entertainment.
How will the people's of Azeroth deal with a warrior from a land called Earth, a warrior 16 years old, with a fiery temper, an uncontrollably horrid tongue and a 140-pound Drawback weight yew longbow, and his arming sword and buckler... Watch as he horrifies and amuses the Populace with his antics... Meant to be Crack, but with Historical Accuracy... A History-crack!
You saw me mess around with gunpowder, now see me mess around with History... MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Author's note: This is meant to be a crackfic, only with Historical accuracy, thus making this a historically accurate Crackfic.
Prepare for the arrival of Jonathon Bartholemew Roberts of Surrey.
Chapter 1: Saving the Damsel
What the Fuck was this, by God he was stuck in some forest, and not one that he was familiar with, the surroundings were different.
What had Jonathon gotten himself into, well okay he might have had an idea, maybe he shouldn't have burnt down too many french houses, or participated in one too many a raid with the other fellows, and that this was probably a punishment from god, even though he repented by taking lent and abstaining from meat... God damned meat and milk and all the nice stuff for a month or so, or maybe it was because he sold the gear he took from the french nobility to a jew to gain some money of which to feed himself on mutton and ale... But this, why god... I thought you were merciful.
And then, as if for no apparent reason, he heard the sound of a female screaming... and Jonathon wouldn't mind earning a gold or two, if the situation was one that he thought was going on... after all, one could make a pretty penny by saving a girl from rape... after all who wouldn't want to be saved from rape?... unless the lady were into cuckoldery or some such shit like in those french Fabliau's that he learned from several french jongleurs by word of mouth and rote memory repetition... and he even stole a lute from a nearby village, it was strapped to his back, you know, to entertain the other lads at the camp and stuff, even though he barely knew how to play the thing, at least one didn't need much strumming skill to take the piss out of the French and their silk grubbing bastard lord's.
Jonathon quickly raced through the wood's, his longbow held and a bodkin arrow in hand, ready to be nocked... and then he heard another feminine scream and a snorting sound.
"AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH Blasted Tauren!"
"I will kill you for the Horde!"
Hehehehe, the lady was quite a... lady, with nice formed bosoms made from the Good-lord himself, and that skin colour, like a moor's, but exotic all on it's own, Jonathon himself wouldn't mind stuffing those melon-tit's with his Thomas... or of entering her maidenhead, if that beautiful figure had such, but he doubted that, what man wouldn't want a try? that lady could tempt a gelded monk into thoughts of devilry.
And then he saw the staunch fellow, oh ey, that lady was so getting saved, and her gold would be delicious, and perhaps he could try his most uncouth charms to get her in the hay-pile for a good lay, not that Jonathon had ever had a lay before... but how he wish he did... it was always in the forefront of his mind.
Decision made, he grinned like a conniving bastard at the thought of the money he could make for saving that goddess's beautiful body from harm.
Jonathon nocked his bowstring to his right cheek before he shouted out a sentence to attract the beings attention.
"Oi Cow-goat fuck, look 'ere"
Igalu Flamecaller turned his face over to look at who dared uttered such an offensive slur in his presence... and then he saw it, a measly boy of about sixteen or more, in a off coloured padded shirt, with a chainmail aventail and an oddly shaped, kettle like helm made of riveted steel... a Teenager dared to call him by such names!, and yet he looked to have seen quite a few battles, it showed on the scar on his nose and face, in a small line.
Jonathon released his thumb, index finger and middle finger and watched as his longbow stretched forth and the bowstring lost tension releasing the bodkin arrow forth... the Arrow struck the thing in the cheek and the shaft broke off upon impact, leaving a grotesque view of sharp splinters and the tip of the bodkin arrow right in the jaw muscle, the fucking thing was still alive... but Jonathon didnt barely give a fuck, he just reached his right hand back to reach fro his quiver of bodkin arrow's before retrieving another arrow, whilst simultaneously shouting out an insult in honest Jonathon style.
"In the Fucking gobber you Gelded Bull-stallion!"
Igalu was enraged... how dare that child insult him and damage him... Igalu would have no mercy, that Kid was dead!
Jonathon promptly nocked the Bodkin arrow until the bowstring reached his right cheek, before letting loose a new arrow, which found itself embedded right into the forehead of the thing before the shaft of the arrow split into two, the bodkin arrow with half its shaft embedded in the skull... what a gorgeous sight it was, if Jonathon would say so, and not a moment too soon, the creature fell down flat, but Jonathon wasnt sure that the thing was dead... not yet.
Jonathon placed his stouty english longbow over his back where the bowstring remained taut around his front, and then Jonathon reached out for his pilfered french arming sword and retrieved it from it's sheathe.
Jonathon walked up to the beast and holding the blade straight and true with his left hand to half-sword his blade, he used momentum and gravity to place his blade straight through six inches of staughty beast neck, before pulling the blade out, but he was not done yet, he struck the sword down into the beast neck a second time... just to make sure, and then he pulled out the sword.
The entire time, Lalnyssa Thunderbreeze was watching awestruck the entire time, how in elune's name did a human teenager kill such a beast, and with a bow no less... but what struck her was the crude and offensive taunting of which the teenager had delivered... in who's right mind taught a teenager to swear like that, and then she would be shocked again a moment later.
Jonathon sheathed his arming sword before he walked up to 'melon-tits' and held out his right hand.
"That'll be a shilling and four pennies"
Lalnyssa Thunderbreeze was completly shocked... who dared ask in such a tone... she guessed that he was asking for compensation, but then again she had no idea what shillings or pennies where.
"What is a shilling and pennies?"
Jonathon laughed before replying back.
"Why milady, a shilling is a silver coin, and a penny is made from copper... now make sure to pay the man... or he could just take it from you"
What a horrible devil of a child, who could dare raise such an oaf, he was more worse than an orc, something that she would have never thought to have said before.
When he noticed that 'Melon tits' wasn't paying up, he gripped at the hilt of his sword before issuing what was surely an insulting remark.
"Why milady, the more you keep me waiting, the more i want to rip open that cloth of yours and grasp your tits... that'll be equal compensation to me!"
Lalnyssa was beginning to take back that comment... he was more worse than a Demon, at least they had the decency to kill their prey and not steal from them, This child was such a Horrible brat, but her weapon was scattered across the field from her, and there was no other way to reach it than to pay off the brat.
Lalnyssa counted her coins before handing him the correct change... he bit into each coin before placing it into a pouch.
"My thanks milady... actually, i have an offer, i will pay you back the shilling if you let me accompany you... i don't know the terrain... This isn't Fai France by any chance?"
Lalnyssa did not want him anywhere near her, but then again, the Night Elves would not like it if word reached the ears of the Alliance that one of their sentries neglected in their duties to guard the people... so with grimace she decided to allow the child to stay, then again, she had never heard of this France before.
"What is France?"
Jonathon shrugged the question.
"well then, it seems god just said to me... Fuck it, and out ya go, to hell or other stranger places you go!"
And then the Kid was speaking Gibberish... this teenager was freaking her out... and then the Stranger offered his hand and began to lift up her arm... and then she noticed, his right arm was oddly much more muscular than his left one, which remained narrow... odd.
"Why is your arm more muscly on the Right arm than on your left one"
Jonathon couldn't help but turn that question into an innuendo.
"Why milady, you shouldn't have asked... that's my hand of which i use my tool... y'know on those lonely nights, no but seriously milady, that be from firing with me longbow"
Lalnyssa could take no more of his crude and vile language, so as soon as she was stable... she gave a strong slap to his cheek, the sound reverberated throughout the forest.
-Schletch-
Ouchie... Jonathon was reeling from that one, from the usual time's that he had been bitch-slapped, he hadn't been as so injured from this one, he felt light headed, but being the bull-headed bastard son of a whore that he was, he couldn't help but give another sexual remark.
"Why milady, that is quite the hand on you!"
Oh, the urge to put an arrow through that brat's eye was quite compelling... ERRRRGGGHHH!.
Jonathon decided to ease things off, by asking a stray question.
"So milady, what is your name... My name is Jonathon Bartholemew Roberts of Surrey, though i am also known as the most Uncouth Orphan-boy in all of Surrey, like i fucking care about that shit place, the bitches were prudes and the clergy were all sodomites"
Lalnyssa decided to not give a reply besides a grunt.
"NNNGGGGHHH"
Jonathon decided to give her a nickname instead... and he knew the perfect one.
"So, since you wont give me your name, how bout i give you a nickname instead... i will call you Melony"
And Lalnyssa, being the unassuming Night elf that she was, decided to ask her innocent question, not knowing that Jonathon was baiting her like a fish on a reel.
"Why Melony?"
And then Jonathon turned around and gestured with his two hands forming bowls around his chest, mocking her cleavage, before issuing his crude statement.
"Why else then for those melon-y breast's, those heavenly melon-like bosoms... mmmm"
Lalnyssa had had enough, she quickly grasped her moon glaive from the nearby bushes and pressed the edge of the blade against his neck.
"Speak another word and i will slit your throat"
Her point being made, Jonathon backed off, for now... but he knew that he would get her again... maybe he could ask if she wanted him to sing her a song, and if she said yes... oh he would make her absolutely mad!.
Jonathon grinned at the thought.
Oh No... What a Catastrophe just waiting to happen!