Gone Gone Gone
Nobody's memory is perfect or complete.
We jumble things up. We lose track of time. We're in one place, then another, and it all feels like one long, inescapable moment. It's just like my mother used to say: the carousel never stops turning. Nobody's memory is perfect or complete.
We jumble things up.
We lose track of time.
We're in one place, then another, and it all feels like one long, inescapable moment.
So what does it mean? What do we take away?
Which pieces will haunt us? Hurt us? End us? Inspire us? It's just like my mother used to say. The carousel never stops turning.
You can't get off. Meredith Grey; Risk
Do you know why I resent you?! I gave up everything for you.
Meredith just stood there, looking after Derek who turned and walked away, flashing back to their fight. Now he was going to leave for D.C. He was doing the same thing Richard did to Ellis. Now Derek was doing this exact thing to her. He was giving up on her, their family to go to D.C. to work on this damned brain mapping project that was now ripping their entire family apart. Now it was done. He was going, he had taken the job, she'd pushed him toward taking it and it was the right call. If he hadn't taken the job he would resent her for the rest of her life. She knew this. Maybe this would be the end of their marriage, the end of the wonderful, magic love story of Meredith and Derek.
Maybe their stairs weren't aligned. Maybe they were doomed, meant to split up over this thing.
Maybe this was supposed to be happening to them. Suddenly, Meredith snapped out of the trance or whatever state she was in after Derek left. It was cold tonight. It made her shutter. Then she just turned around and went back into the hospital. She didn't go home that night. She was avoiding Derek who was now packing up his things to leave for Washington D.C. to work on his fancy brain mapping project while her research is on a standstill. She was supposed to be printing portal veins. But instead, her husband who is supposed to love her and cherish her, is leaving for Washington D.C. to work for the NIH.
No running.
"Just go." Meredith gritted out. "Oh, I'm going." Derek said, meaning it.
"No, I mean it. Go now." Derek glanced at her for a second before he turned around and walked away. Away from Meredith, wanting to drive home, to get his things packed to leave before she shows up at the house. Derek just left after their fight. He got into his car, sat behind the wheel and started to drive off, toward his and Meredith's house, the house he built for their family and now he wants to move. The house was dark when he got there. He opened the door with the key and entered the house, switching on the light, his gaze wandered to the kitchen with some of Zola's crayons lying around.
Then, he went up to their bedroom to pack up his things. Some clothes, he's going to need fresh clothes in D.C. He can't just go. Although apparently he can just go, move to the other side of the country without second guessing anything. It's like making a very rash decision. He is doing it right now. He ripped his clothes form his closet, throwing them into a travel bag. The post-it was hanging there, as if telling him to stop, to stop and think what he is doing. He sat down on the bed, burying his head in his hands. He knew he had to leave. He was treating the people he loved like crap because he couldn't have this job. He's gotta stop doing this. Why does everything be so complicated, why couldn't Meredith just sign the stupid papers on the townhouse, then their family would be together and they'd be happy. Or more like he would be happy, since it's his dream. Meredith is just gonna be the trailing spouse.
His gaze fell on a photo on his nightstand.
And Derek froze when he looked at that. It showed him, Meredith and Zola in much happier times. His family, he loved his family and he didn't want to be separated from them but he also wanted this job. And Meredith wanted to stay in Seattle, she's found her footing in Seattle, she was happy in Seattle. But he wasn't, not anymore. There was a time where he was happy with his job as a neurosurgeon, being in the OR was everything for him.
But now everything was different.
His standards have changed, they really have. And now they're forcing his family apart. Does he really want that? Being apart from Meredith and the children, not seeing them every day? He wouldn't be able to put the kids to bed in the evenings, he would be lonely indeed. He loved her no matter what but she's so damn complicated, always will be, always has been. Is this job worth it? Moving away, living on the other side of the country when his family is in Seattle? Derek shook his head.
This was getting to him and he was sure Meredith wasn't feeling any different right now.
He wondered where she is, probably at the hospital, working a double shift in order to avoid talking to him. He sighed loudly when he thought of her, the look on her face was something he couldn't forget. But she told him to leave, right? Didn't she? His gaze wandered to the post-it note that they framed and that was hanging on the wall above their bed.
Their vows they made to each other.
"Do you have a piece of paper?"
"For what?"
"We need to make vows."
"I have post-its."
"What do we want to promise each other?"
Is this what this is? Is he running right now? Derek honestly had no idea. Derek buried his head in his hand. This was a decision he never wanted to make. But now he has to. Meredith forced him to do this. Okay she didn't but it kinda feels that way. And he knows Meredith isn't the only one at fault here. It was not just her, it was him as well. After another ten minutes, he was ready for leaving. Part of him says that this is wrong but he just can't help it, not at all.
Meredith carried a sleeping Zola up the stairs and put her down to bed in her and Derek's bed. Zola wasn't even awake any longer. Although Derek wasn't here, Derek was on his way to the airport right now. Meredith had no idea if her marriage is going to survive this. This wasn't a small thing. Bailey was out like a light when she put him down which surprised her. She thought he'd be fussy. Zola was lying there sleeping and Meredith just watched her for a moment. She put the pillows and the rest of the bed in place so Zola wouldn't get cold. She smiled at her sleeping daughter, warmly and gently touched her cheek as like telling her to have a good night's sleep. Then her gaze wandered up to the wall and ended on their post-it vows. She looked at them and before she knew what she was on her bed and ripping that frame with the post-it note from the wall and throwing/ placing it in the trash.
...
"Who was that?" Callie asked Meredith as she finished talking to an elderly woman who agreed to wait for her in the lobby. "Um, new nanny, hopefully." Meredith answered but didn't expand on that. Callie looked at her confused, while exclaiming loudly: "Oh! You got a nanny?" "I had to, Derek left." She defended her actions. Now it was Callie's turn to be shocked at the revelation. "What?!" But Meredith didn't give her any further information on why he left or whatever. They were both heading for the ER, apparently something big happened, something that required all hands on deck. But that was okay. Anything that keeps her from thinking about Derek was okay. She was glad about not having to think about Derek and his giant neuro trained brain that lets him think he is god.
To love each other even when we hate each other.
When the first patients arrived, Meredith and Owen got pulled into an emergency surgery, the one who had driven off the bridge. Somewhere into the surgery, they started talking about Cristina. "Have you talked to Cristina? I presume you guys talk all the time, especially now." Owen asked as they were operating on a patient. "Yeah, we usually get on the phone Friday nights for me, Saturday mornings for her, pour drinks, settle in." Meredith told the trauma surgeon. "So, today's Friday. You gonna call her today?" Owen wanted to know. "Yeah, I've missed the... last couple." Meredith answered. "Why?" Owen couldn't help but ask. "Well, before she left, she said something about Derek and I, and... She was right. And I don't want her to be right." Later, Meredith has a little freak out in front of the new nanny. "I need support. My life and work is very unpredictable and I need someone who understands that and who can be there when I can't. And who understands that when I can't be there it's because I must be where I am. And I need someone who believes in that and who supports that. I need a person who is in it with me and who believes in that. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know. (crying) I seem like I'm crazy and I'm really not, but I've just had this day..." Meredith normally wasn't like this but Derek was on his way over to Washington D.C. right now, probably in a plane. But at some point she needed to face him, to call him … they needed to talk about their future, how it would look like.
When Meredith comes home with the kids, Derek is gone. He left. He really left and is on his way to Washington D.C. to work for the president on his giant brain-mapping project. Maybe it is better that he left before she and the kids were coming home. So there would not be any unnecessary confrontations, considering that everything´s already decided. She pulls herself together for their children's sake to make them feel safe and like nothing is out of order. Except for the fact that everything is out of order... He is gone for real.
He left.
He is gone.
That sounded unbelievably real and final like a clean tried to think of something else. But it did not work. Derek was everywhere. She saw him in Bailey and then there were all the photos with them in their home, their home that Derek build for them. These photos were reminders of happier times. Meredith swallowed. But now he is gone. Some part of her felt relieved that he was in D.C. now. He resented her for not coming with him and with that it was not easy to live with. He is gone.
"Mama." Zola interrupted Meredith´s thoughts with her little, sweet voice.
"Yes, Zola, what's up?" Meredith turned her attention to her daughter, her beautiful daughter she adopted with Derek.
"I am hungry." She complained and wrinkled her nose, so that Meredith gave a slight smile and says: "I think we can do something about that, Zo. You hungry too, Bailey?" After her Little Boy nodded, she signaled them to follow her to the kitchen. "Let´s see..." She began. Suddenly she heard a loud noise that did not came from Bailey or Zola. She looked up, startled but soon recognized Amelia standing in the doorway.
"Hey." She just said. No comment about Derek. "Where is my brother?" She asked, while grabbing the orange juice standing on the counter and poured herself a glass of it and then for the Kids. Meredith avoided Amelia´s question, but felt her sister in law watching her. "He left." Meredith answered matter of factly and faced Amelia. "He left for D.C. That´s what you are saying, right?" "He did." Meredith confirmed, still not wanted to talk about Derek leaving yet. "How are you with him leaving? I mean it is none of my business, but if you wanna talk, I´ll be there." Amelia told her. Amelia watched her. She knew it even though she was standing with her back turned towards the other Shepherd. She felt her eyes on her. Amelia was watching her motions and what she did. As if she knew something had happened, like Derek's gone for real. He is gone.
There it is again.
The harsh truth hits her in an instant. She was watching her. But still, she was really glad that Amelia Shepherd was here, on the west coast with her and the kids. With Derek living in D. C., miles and more miles away from her and their children Zola and Bailey, she needed all the support she could possibly get. Amelia has been great with the kids. They also had many parallels.
"You should have gone to D.C."
She still had her own words ringing in her head as a permanent loop. Somehow, they kept haunting her. Maybe she should call him, maybe she would be able to reach him. Maybe he wasn't on the plane, maybe he wanted her to call.
"Derek, slow down." Meredith called after him, but Derek didn't stop he just walked outside, Meredith followed him.
"No. I'm done. I'm not gonna do this anymore, this constant battling." He said without turning. He sped up and suddenly he stopped. "I'm not battling, but I'm just not gonna let you just ..." She tried to say but Derek cut her off.
"You think I'm some sort of tyrant determined to keep you down." Derek objected.
"You keep you down, and now I'm paying for it! And I don't know how to fix it. You should've just gone to D.C." Meredith told him bluntly, even if the truth did hurt. She didn't want him to resent her, there has to be a fix - right? There just has to be.
"Is that what you want? Because that door is wide open." He shot back, his eyes fixated on Meredith.
"It's what you want." Meredith tried to tell him.
She knew this was going to happen the minute he decided to stay in Seattle. He wasn't happy with it, his standards have changed. Derek didn't just want to be in the OR, he wanted to find answers, he wanted to map the brain. The president wants him to for him and he couldn't say no.
"Meredith, they offered me the job again. Today. I can take this job right now." Derek exclaimed loudly. They were standing in the front of the hospital. It was dark and it was raining.
"You should. Take it." Meredith said in the strongest voice she could manage but on the inside she was breaking. "Deborah, it's Dr. Shepherd. Glad I could catch you. It was great that you came by today. Please tell the President that I would be thrilled to accept the post. Yes, absolutely, we can talk more then. I look forward to it. I will see you soon." (He hangs up the phone.)
"Good. Go." Her voice was now breaking and she remembered what happened between Ellis and Richard and she couldn't help but think of the parallels between them and their relationship, their situation. "Oh, I'm going." He huffed, looked at her.
"No, I mean it. Go now. Go." That's when he left.
Derek's words were still there in her head. Meredith didn't move, she was thinking back to the minutes were everything shattered into a million pieces. "Mer ..." She heard Amelia saying but she didn't respond. Also, she and Amelia were magnets for the screwed up things and Amelia had a touch of dark and twisty things too. Just as Meredith when she started her residency and internship at this hospital. Also, Amelia makes great pancakes and waffles for the kids and they absolutely love playing with their auntie Amy, it was one of the many perks to have her here because Meredith cannot cook to save her life.
She had tried it before and it had almost resulted in some burning food.
Amelia gets her. Amelia gets her, she does. When it comes to Derek, she may be the only one who really gets her because she always had lived under Derek's shadow. She always had been the black sheep in the family. She was, like she had said herself, Twin B. Derek is as always Twin A. That was something that would never change. Ever- Amelia Shepherd would always stay Twin B, just as Meredith would always be the intern he had met in a bar. Meredith tried to recall that moment, the moment everything had begun and now she was here with his sister and her two children, with him on the other side of the country. It seemed somewhat ironic. She sighed loudly. Amelia looked up over to her sister in law.
Meredith felt her looking at her and shifted slightly, she went over to the fridge to look if it needs be stocked. "Oh, God, Derek would kill me if he knew that the fridge is empty." She muttered to herself. Amelia frowned. Amelia was sitting on the kitchen table with her niece and nephew and was quietly talking with them. When she noticed Meredith was looking at her, she stood up and went over to her sister - in - law. When she was standing next to her she asked in a decreased voice: "Are you ... are you okay?" She waited for an answer that was more like, don't get involved with things that don't concern you, but instead of receiving that kind of answer, Meredith just looked up but never really said anything. "I mean I personally don't like it when people stick their noses where they won't belong, but if you wanna talk ... I'm here." She offered. On Meredith's face she could see exhaustion and the fear that her marriage was over. "Are you okay …" She repeated. The neurosurgeon trailed off and watched Meredith attentively. "I am fine, I am fine. Okay, I'm fine. Really, I am fine." Meredith answered a bit fast. At least for Amelia's liking - That's when she knew Meredith wasn't alright even if she pretended to be. Meredith Grey was always fine- She knew it instantly when she heard her voice. It was unsure and even a bit shivery. Meredith nodded, pressed her lips together and just wanted to disappear. "I am fine." She answered and even though Amelia did not believe her, she accepted her answer and did not press for more. Newsflash: I am fine. I am perfectly fine. Meredith really appreciated her sister in law being here and her help with the children.
Derek is waiting in the waiting area of the Seattle-Tacoma Airport. He stares at the wall. Suddenly there is an announcement for flight to Washington D.C. "Passengers for flight 2642333 to Washington D.C. Get ready for Boarding." Before he shut down his phone he wrote a quick message to Meredith to let her know he is leaving the state: I'm still at the airport. Flight has been delayed all day. Take care. Derek. It´s the least he can do. He sighed, his finger hovering over the send button. In that moment, he phone started ringing loudly. He flinched at the sound of it. Then he saw who was calling him, thanks to the caller identification. ID showed him that it was Meredith who called him.
"Are you there?" She asked, hoping he'd answer. "Uh, I am … Meredith." He said. "I don't want to fight anymore." She interrupted him. "I don't either." Derek agreed for once. "I know you are gone, I know I told you to go but … I mean this isn't us. This isn't how we end, is it?" Meredith asked, desperately hoping for the answer she was looking for. Not him telling her that it was over between them, that everything else like trying was useless.
One part of him says it´s wrong to blame it on her. She is not the only one at fault here. It is on both of them. And now he feels bad about leaving, even if he knows he has to, if he wants to have a second chance. "I don't want it to." Derek said.
He was talking on the phone while he was about to board the plane.
"Sir, you need to... " A steward told him. "We're closing the gates now. You can't call someone right now."
"I know." Derek cut him off, took his carry-on cabbage on goes to the Business- class check-in. When he finally sat down on his seat in the plane he wasn´t so sure what to feel, for one he was glad and relieved Meredith had the guts to call him in a last-ditch attempt to make things right for them again. Sure, he was going to work for the president, but his Meredith was here in Seattle. How will his decision affect their children? How will it affect them and their relationship? What will this do to them, to his Family? Meredith, Zola and Bailey are his family now.
They are and they will be. Even if Meredith is pretty stubborn sometimes but it's what he loves about her. "I'm trying." Derek said while pressing the phone to his ear. "I am trying too." Meredith answered. "Listen, my flight has been delayed all day. I am still at the airport, I can come home." He told her and stopped. The other passengers went past him, he was the only one stopping for some seconds.
What do we want to promise each other? That you love me even when you hate me. To love each other even when we hate each other ...
"Do I need to come home?" Derek asked his wife, wanting to give her the opportunity to veto his decision. "No, no, no." She answered, lying on her bed. "Meredith." Derek just said her name. "In a good way, go and do what you have to do. We can do this, people do this." Meredith intended on being positive. She wanted this to work. Her marriage with Derek Shepherd wasn't going downhill.
They could fix this or at least put a pin in it.
No running ever. Nobody walks out no matter what happens.
This is forever.
"People do this, yes." Derek replied, half smiling at the thought that they won't just quit, especially after what they said to each other yesterday evening. "So, go and do what you have to do, we will figure this out." Meredith said, being positive that they were strong enough to get through this, to survive this, to come out stronger on the other side. They're Meredith and Derek, they're MerDer. "We can do this." Derek repeated smiling. He will miss her, her and the kids. "We can do this." Meredith emphasized, repeated after her neurosurgeon husband who is about to board a plane to Washington D.C. to work on the presidential brain mapping project thingy that fascinates him since they're looking for answers he's been looking for his whole life. "Okay." Meredith finally whispered, her voice was breaking a little bit. "Okay. Call me when you land." She ordered him, she wanted to know that he got there safe and in one pieces because no matter what, she loved him. She added: "And, Derek?" Derek looked up shortly before replying to her: "Yes?" "I'm going to miss you." Meredith told him. It was true. She just didn't know how true it is going to be, especially in nights. "This can work. We will make this work. We will." Derek said reassuringly to her before the phone signal was getting worse with the second. "Derek. Are you still there?" Meredith asked as she couldn't hear him that good. "Meredith, Meredith?" Derek asked as the phone signal was cut. He will for sure call Meredith as soon as his plane lands in Seattle.
When exposed to trauma, the body deploys its own defense system. From the first second the brain receives the signal that a catastrophe has happened.
The blood rushes to the organs that need help the most. Blood floods into the muscles, the lungs, the heart, the brain.
The brain makes the decision for the rest of the body.
Either face the danger or run away. It's a mechanism designed for the body to from harm. From knowing what might has happened irreparable.
We call it 'shock'.
When shock wears off, when the body can accept that a trauma has happened, when it can let down its defenses. It's a scary moment.
The shock response has protected us and it might have saved us. Meredith Grey; Where Do We Go From Here
…
They found this guy in Maine who had been living completely alone in the woods for 30 years. They called him the last true hermit.
30 years without the warmth of human touch, without conversation. The hermit felt more lonely when he was out in the world, than he ever felt in the woods by himself. Surrounded by people, but drowning in solitude.
That kind of loneliness can swallow you whole.
The last true hermit was found and dragged out of hiding and into the world. Most might find his existence sad, but the hermit knew something we didn't.
He knew that when it comes down to it, even when you're with someone, or in the noisy rush of people, it's just you. The one you can count on, and lean on, and depend on. It has to be you.
And once you figure that out, that's when being alone becomes a choice. Meredith Grey; The Bed's Too Big Without You
Meredith exclaimed when she saw Alex entering the elevator: "Hey, I texted you." Alex didn't even look up. "Yeah, I saw that. I was busy." He answered, glancing up. "Well, Cristina would've responded. That's not how it works." "Not if she was doing what I was doing." Alex replied gruffly. "You pause. That's the rule." Meredith said and she even sounded serious when she said it." What?" "If the text is urgent, Cristina would say to Owen, "pause," and I would say to Derek, "pause," then we'd text each other back." Alex asked flabbergasted: "In the middle of sex?" "If the text is urgent ..." Meredith said. "The fact you are checking a text while you're doing it is already sad." Alex gave back. Meredith asked, lighting up at the perspective: "We had a special ringtone. Hey, you want a special ringtone?" "No, wait, this pause thing ... Like, your legs are in the air and you're screaming and …" Alex said. "Pause." Meredith answered. "No, I don't pause. Jo doesn't pause. She fast-forwards and she rewinds, but she doesn't pause." "Okay, that's gross." She said. "Do you want to scrub in with me on a tumor removal? It's gonna be fun." "Is it in a kid?" Alex asked disinterested. "No but …" "Then my answer's no. You already have Wilson." He told. "But I want a grown-up." Meredith said. "Answer's still no." Alex left the elevator. As fate has it, Dr. Bailey was there. "Ah, Dr. Bailey, I wanted to talk to you." Meredith walked next to her colleague. "Spill it, Grey. What is going on?" "I wanted to ask if you want to scrub in with me on this tumor removal, it's going to be difficult, long and bloody. It involves even the pericardium. It's a huge mass and I want a grown-up in my OR." She showed her the films on her pad. "Yeah, of course I will." She answered as she sees the tumor.
Amelia found Meredith, Maggie, and Bailey in the printing lab. They're solving a tumor. Meredith says she should 3D print it. Amelia said, while sitting down on a chair: "Visibility is not my problem. I can see the tumor in all its problematic glory. Where are the kids?" Meredith answered: "They're in daycare. Nightcare. Whatever care. It's open 24 hours." She shrugged it off, listening to the 3D printer. Bailey pointed out: "That's for surgeons on call." Meredith said: "Derek lives in DC, so don't judge me." Bailey says she's saying that so that if they ask, she'll know to make something up about being on call. "When I had her genome lab, I was on call twice a week. You should make something up when they ask you." Amelia said as she sat down on a chair, making herself comfortable: "Your printing will take five more hours." Meredith and Bailey correct the neurosurgeon in synchrony: "It's more like seven and a half." She said: "You could go home, sleep, and come back." "Someone has to stay in case the printer crashes. Also, I don't mind because I find the sound soothing." Amelia looked at her in surprise. Meredith just kept staring at the 3D printer, avoiding anyone's questions.
Meredith said as she watched the 3D printer printing the tumor in all its problematic glory: "He's gone, and I know he's gone. And the bed feels lonely. It's like I don't know how to sleep alone." Dr. Bailey who was also on that case, looked at her for a moment just as Amelia answered: "You don't. I mean, before three months ago, any time I called your house or came over or skyped or whatever, Cristina was there. There's no way you ever slept alone. I mean, you had Derek. And if you didn't have Derek, you had Cristina. I'm guessing if it came down to it, you were, like, the middle spoon in the middle of a very weird spooning situation. I've never met a less alone person than you used to be …" She told her sister in law. Meredith replied with: "Used to be. I have to learn to sleep alone." You could tell by her voice that she missed Derek, even though she told him to go in a good way. But that doesn't mean she doesn't miss him. When she stared at the printer, she thought about Derek but went back to reality when Bailey said something. "Ben snores. And he sometimes talks in his sleep. And he's hot. Like a furnace. Like flames shootin' out of him. He's lucky I love him. And he's a resident and hardly home at night. Or he'd be dead." Meredith and Maggie just listened to her. Amelia sighed and shared her story: "I miss sleeping with a man in my bed. You know, facing away from each other, barely touching expect for just the arm thrown over your waist. When I'd wake up at night, terrified of... me, I liked knowing he was there and I wasn't by myself."
Maggie suddenly joined the conversation about sleeping alone but she had something different to say to that topic: "I cannot sleep with someone lying next to me. Literally cannot. My one serious guy? Dean. Dean just loved to spoon and snuggle, and I would just lie there, staring up silently, counting the seconds until he would fall asleep and I could sneak off to sleep on the sofa. And then I'd sneak back into bed before he woke up in the morning. Yeah, people think that's a cute story. It's not a cute story. That sofa was hard as a rock. I was exhausted. Dean is a really sweet guy. He's tall and kind. Civil rights lawyer. He's funny. So when he proposed, I explained to him about the sleeping. I said, 'you know, maybe you could sleep in a room down the hall.' I wanted to sleep alone." Amelia asked curiously: "And what happened?" Maggie shrugged: "Well, he is now married to someone who loves to spoon and snuggle. And I sleep like a baby every night. I might be too good at being alone."
In Washington D.C.:
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our conference at Kleiss Neuroscience." A light blue brain appeared over the screen as the coordinator speaks. "Today we'll hear a few presentations about topics related to brain mapping. Thank you for coming. Let's get this show on the road." Derek Shepherd was sitting in a conference room, at work. Of course, where else could he possibly have been if not there, listening to someone from an organization that works with that technique - imaging brains.
Researchers are currently working to make a map of the human brain. It may be the most complex map ever created, billions of neurons making trillions of connections.
At first glance, they seem completely random.
But there's nothing random about them. All these connections have to happen in a specific pattern. It is designed for a function. These connections determine everything about us: what we love, what we hate, what we say, what we do.
We're just starting to learn the extinct of the brain's connections.
How far they reach, how deep they go. But we know that every connection matters. Every connection is crucial and when one is broken, it usually means some damage has been done. This system of connections compels us to act and choose and behave.
Sometimes humanly against our own will, but it is not random at all. It is the map of who we are. We work to understand ourselves. Solve the puzzle.
How all the connections work, and all the pieces fit. Derek Shepherd, Map Of You
"... and that's why we need to map the brain in order to understand all the connections ..." Derek only listens with half an ear to his colleague's presentation about the future of brain mapping, how it would be a good start to find cures for diseases for that never have been found a cure or a decent treatment from stopping them from progressing. Whoever his name was, Derek doesn't remember, was from OHBM, the Organization for Human Brain Mapping, "who is the primary international organization dedicated to using neuroimaging to discover the organization of the human brain." Their goal is to advance the understanding of the relationship between structure and function in the human brain. Scientists in this field seek to gain knowledge of the physical processes that underlie human sensation, attention awareness and cognition. These results are immediately applicable to surgical intervention and to the design of medical interventions which will help a lot of patients in the future. An institute in Germany, the Jülich Forschungszentrum in Düsseldorf / INM-1 develops a 3-D model of the human brain which considers cortical architecture, connectivity, genetics and function – the JuBrain.
Derek sighs loudly and shifts in his chair. His gaze wanders to the clock hanging on the white wall. It is 16: 37 p. m. and he wonders what time it is in Seattle. How Mer and the kids are doing right now. It was probably night or something. He wondered whether Meredith would be able to sleep alone. He just left yesterday. He hadn't seen her since then, since their little yelling match they had before he accepted the renewed post and left his family without saying goodbye to Zola or Bailey. At least he'd talked to Meredith before he entered the plane to Washington D.C, but only on the phone before the reception was lost. What if something had happened to him, what if, God forbid, his plane crashed?! Confused, he shook his head.
The presenter was now talking about mapping the Hippocampus and entorhinal cortex, as well as the Premotor cortex, Motor cortex ... The PowerPoint presented shows images of brains, three - dimensional and the different areas were marked in different colors. "Wow." Derek mouthed to his colleague that was sitting next to him on the table.
"It's amazing, eh? What they do with those supercomputers nowadays, discovering the most difficult parts of the body like the human brain. Mapping it so it can be seen on the screen ..." Pure astonishment could be heard in the man's voice. "... which will be showing those parts of the brain in three dimensional atlas with the help of supercomputers ..." The man who is from OHBM continues with an incredibly loud noise: "... our brain mapping initiative will lead us one step closer to curing horrible diseases like Alzheimer's ..." A this point, Derek's nerves are all over the place. There won't be a break for maybe an hour, if he was lucky he could get out of here in thirty minutes when there is this five minute break before there will be another presentation about Neuroscience.
"Later we come to Polarized Light Imaging ..."
"Polarized Light Imaging uses ... to understand the functionality of these networks, it is indispensable to know their anatomical connections. Three - dimensional polarized light imaging represents a novel neuroimaging technique to map nerve fibers, i.e. myelinated axons, and their pathways in human postmortem brains with a resolution at the sub-millimeter scale ..."
Normally it was a topic he would be elated to listen to presentations or do some work. With his sensors, with his micro sensors he had invented for a project with Dr. Callie Torres back at Grey Sloan Memorial. It was how he got here, how the president got attracted by the work he was doing with the sensors - and now he was here, in Washington D. C. without his children Zola and Bailey and without Meredith. His kids - they were growing up so fast and he hasn't had much to skype with them ... Will they even remember him when he comes back home? He doesn't know.
"May I direct your attention to ...?" The man from OHBM says and caused Derek to look up. A new image was covering the screen. A human brain with colored points and dots in red and purple and all that means something important. After that meeting he went over to the lab, trying to figure out what to do. He hovered over the microscope and tested some things and looked over the things he needed to do …
He was doing all sorts of brainy things he wanted to do.
Meredith suddenly said, without having any relation to that what her sister just said: "Maybe I could print a Derek. Just for sleeping." She looked over to the printer, watching the tumor forming, floating in memories of Derek, asking herself what he was doing in D.C.
Yeah, maybe she could print a Derek. Later, when the tumor was printed, they started throwing ideas on the board to see how they could remove it. Then the patient's status declined rapidly. "We'll need to figure this out as we go." Meredith said. "We can't wait. This has to happen now." But before they had a solid surgical plan, they needed to go in blind. The patient couldn't go any longer without surgery. She had help of Maggie and Bailey. The tumor had infiltrated the pericardium. "Okay, we're stuck. What do we do?" The monitor kept beeping loudly. "Wait, Wilson. Show us the printed tumor and slowly rotate it." Meredith suddenly had the idea. "Yeah, I think I feel it." "That's my finger." Maggie said. "Oops, wait …" Meredith felt where the tumor ends. "I have it, I think. This is where we have to cut." And it was the right was move. They've cut the tumor away and were ready to pull it out. They were able to remove the tumor. When Jo Wilson saw the tumor she made big eyes and said: "It's gross, but so cool."
"Maybe I could print a Derek. Just for Sleeping. I have to learn to sleep alone."
They started to fix the bleeders. "Beautiful bleeders right where we can see them." Bailey exclaimed after they removed the tumor. Now they had clear visibility. One day later, she'd spent the entire night and the next day in the operating room, removing that tumor. The printing of the tumor had saved them in the OR when they were running out of time. But it had been a good day. When the three surgeons successfully finished the surgery, they entered the scrub room. "Who will go, to tell the husband the happy news?" "I will do it." Maggie volunteered. "I'll come with you after that I'll take the kids home." Meredith said. "Sounds like a good plan." The patient has been brought up to recovery and has a bed waiting in the ICU.
After they told the husband, Meredith made her way to daycare. It was seven o'clock in the evening.
"Dr. Grey, you're here to get the kids?" Tara asked her.
"Yeah, I am." Soon after Meredith ended that sentence, Zola came running and jumped into her arms. "Hey, Sweetie, we're going home now." Meredith said smiling. Zola lit up when she heard that. Bailey was tumbling over to them. "Have you heard, Bai, we're going home." "We go home?" He asked, scrunching his nose.
"Yep, home. So you can sleep in your own bed and get something to eat." She told them. Her children's laughers are what are holding her up. Later, when the kids fell asleep, the feeling returned. The feeling of missing Derek, that she was missing an important piece.
This was their house, he was supposed to be living here.
After Meredith had taken the kids home, she felt alone, very alone. She had put the children to bed. They were both tired and started sleeping almost instantly. Derek wasn't here, he was somewhere in D.C. And the other side of the bed was empty. He was gone. He was in D.C. For a moment, Meredith considered calling him, telling him about her surgery. But what if he wasn't interested in hearing from her even though they left things on a good note? Finally, she decided to call Maggie, maybe she was still awake and they had gotten to know each other better. And that was definitely a start. "Hey, you up?" Meredith asked when Maggie's face appeared on her screen. "I am up. Why are you up … Is everything okay?" Maggie asked when she sees that Meredith is calling her.
"Yeah, everything is fine. I just can't sleep. The other side of my bed is empty." Meredith told her.
She missed Derek having Derek next to her when she was sleeping. "Oh, my bed's empty too but for me, it's okay." Maggie told her. Meredith snorted. "Yeah because you don't want someone that …" Meredith told her. "Okay, fair, you're right." Maggie replied smirking.
"So … I am …" Meredith looked away for a moment before continuing.
"You are?" Maggie waited for her to complete the sentence. Meredith said as she skyped with Maggie: "I'm just lying in bed with my tumor." Maggie laughed. "Will he do it until Derek gets back?" She asked. "Don't know, maybe." Meredith replied. After a few seconds of silence, Maggie asked: "Do you want him to come back?" Meredith had thought about that, a lot of times, actually. But when she was honest, she had no answer. "I don't know. It's not that I don't love him anymore, I do. I do but if he comes back and starts blaming me for missing out on a great opportunity … that was my life before he went to D.C. But I want him in my life. He is the love my life. I can't even sleep without him."
"Well, I can't exactly relate to that." Maggie chuckled slightly.
"Yeah, you told us about that." Meredith recalled her sister's story about her former boyfriend who liked to snuggle. "Anyway, so here I am. Alone, in a bed with a tumor I removed from a patient, okay it's not the real tumor, that would be gross, but the printed one." Meredith laid the cell phone on the pillow that used to be Derek's when he still lived here and not in D.C. "You brought it home?" Maggie asked her.
"I did." Meredith replied smiling.
"Point me." She demanded.
Meredith laughed and turned the phone so that Maggie could see the tumor. After they talked for another few minutes, Maggie yawned. "We should probably try to sleep." Meredith suggested dryly. "Yeah, might be a good call since I have to work tomorrow." "We both do." Meredith answered. "Good night, Maggie. See you tomorrow." "Night, Mer." She ended the call with a click. Meredith was alone again. She stared at the ceiling. She could not sleep no matter what position she tried. The bed was just too big without Derek. She turned and tossed around and the next time, she looked at the clock it was ten p.m.
"I really can't sleep alone." Meredith said to herself. Was it really that difficult to try and sleep for god's sake?!
Sleep is important. She turned on the light and grabbed a medical journal from the stack, it was a journal, something about neurosurgery. It looked like it was some of Derek's surgical journals he always read. Meredith sighed as she started reading the first article.
She trying to get her mind off of things and for some minutes it helped before her thoughts went back to Derek. There was no way she could concentrate now. But when it didn't help she called Derek. He was happy that she called him and they talked about a lot of things, his research, the kids but not Meredith's tumor surgery.
A few weeks later
Suddenly she heard some noise downstairs.
But there was no one downstairs. Or there wasn't anyone that was supposed to be downstairs. Meredith's heartbeat quickened. What if it was someone who meant to cause trouble? She was alone, it was just her and the kids. Her kids, she would do anything to protect them from whoever it was downstairs. Amelia was at the hospital, trying to figure out a way to remove Herman's giant and complicated brain tumor and therefore not here. So it was on her to figure out what was going on downstairs. Meredith looked over to her cell phone, grabbed it. She held onto it like it was a life vest, her knuckles went white. Then the general surgeon made her way downstairs.
She was trying to be as quiet as possible. Meredith knew she needed something to defend herself, like some kind of weapon.
She grabbed something large and hard enough to knock someone out before heading toward the front door. "Stop moving or I'll …" Meredith threatened to whoever was there. Someone was standing there with his back to her and that person turned around in shock.
"Meredith?! What are you doing?" He asked, eyeing her.
Meredith breathed a sigh of relief she didn't know she was holding. "Oh, god, I thought you were …" She attempted to say but didn't finish the sentence. After the shock had slowly disappeared Meredith was able to ask questions and fully comprehend what was happening. It still seemed like a dream sequence of her overtired brain. "Derek?" Meredith exclaimed. "What are you doing here?" She asked surprised. She was in fact very surprised. But it was a good kind of surprised. She hadn't expected to see Derek here. He was supposed to be in D.C., working on some fancy brain mapping project.
"Surprise visit. It has been weeks since I have been here. I needed to see my wife and kids. I have two days in Seattle before I have to go back and I intend on spending every hour with you and the kids. I love you, Mer and I miss you ..."
But Meredith cut him off by kissing him ...