Even though she would never admit it out loud, she would never want to admit it to anyone. But she and Damon have very many similarities. For example, they will always be second to Stefan and Elena. No matter how badly Caroline wishes that when Stefan looks into her eyes that he truly sees her, instead of seeing Elena. Even after all these years, he still sees Elena. Caroline is tired of trying to prove herself to him. She's tired of always getting the feeling that she's never good enough. She gets the feeling that she's never good enough for anyone. She'll never be good enough. Ever. But then Stefan looks into her eyes, and she falls for it again. Every time history repeats itself, it's like she's on the tilt-a-whirl and she can't get off. And she hates it. She hates that feeling of falling back into the same routine. But she doesn't know how to stop. She doesn't know how to change the ending. So she just lets it happen, she lets it repeat and repeat. And every time she falls for it. You're the only stupid thing here, and shallow, and useless. Damon's words come flooding back to her. They cut her even more, they reopen the wound and it kills her. She's the insecure, neurotic, control freak. Caroline is the one who is always second to Elena Gilbert and the one who never gets the guy.
When the day comes that Elena dies, she sees how heartbroken he is and she can't help but feel a little unremorseful because he finally feels what she has felt for all these years. She knows that it's not right and that she should be sobbing for the loss of her friend, but she doesn't. She knows that Damon has experienced the same amount of pain that she has. And she tells herself that you need to get over it. You need to get over him. But as he's there to rescue you, your feelings towards him grow. And you realize that with Elena around you will always be second to her. You were second to her with Damon, and you'll be second to her with Stefan too. At least until he gets over her. Which could take centuries, but you'll wait. You will always wait for him. He's Stefan Salvatore, the man who promised that he would not let anything happen to you.
But when you would see him with your best friend your stomach would churn and you would share a knowing look with Damon. Because he went through the same thing you were, everything that you were feeling, Damon was too. That's if he lets himself feel. Which he does, you know he lets himself feel because you saw the longing and saddened looks he would give Elena when she wasn't looking. Although Elena was convinced that he didn't show how he feels. What would she know, she barely truly knows him. She was always too busy spending time with your best-vampire-friend. And every time you saw them kiss, it felt like someone was driving a stake through your chest. It felt like the werewolves were torturing you all over again, and you hated it. You hated the pain. You were tired of it. You were tired of always being second best, to everything.
It's Elena he sees, and he always will. He'll never truly see you. Ever. You look at your reflection in the mirror and you hate what you saw because you didn't look like her. You critique your flaws and criticize your own unique features. And you hate that you do it, but you can't stop. But sometimes when you catch him looking at you, you look into his eyes and get a fragment of hope, because you can see it. In his eyes-when he looks at you, he's falling. He's falling hard, for you. But you have to have hope, so you do, and you don't let it go. You hold on, clutch it in your hands. Because having hope is the only thing that will keep some ounce of humanity in you. And having that little bit of humanity is the only keeping you sane.
So one day you decide to leave, there is no need for you to stay here. There is no need for you to stay in a town where no one loves you, where no one will ever love you. So you gather your things and place them in the passenger seat of your car. You tell yourself that you'll say goodbye to him, you figure it's the least you could do after everything he's done for you. So you drive to the boarding house and open the door to see Stefan sitting on the couch.
"I'm leaving." You say bluntly.
He stands, confused. "What?"
"I need to get out, I-I can't be here anymore."
He walks over to you and you take a step back, away from him. You don't want him to get to close for you fear that if he does then you'll completely loose your senses and change your mind and stay. Suddenly he is in front of you within seconds. He's looking into your eyes, and you stare back. You feel like he's reading you.
"I'm sorry." He says understandingly.
And for the first time, as you stare into his eyes, you can tell that he truly sees you, and he understands everything that you've been through, all the pain, hurt and suffering. And he feels miserable if he caused any of it-he caused most of it. But you keep your veneer on, you smile and kiss him. You give him a quick peck before saying goodbye and turning your back on him before leaving. Tears falling freely from your eyes because you felt him kiss you back, and it's making it that much harder to leave. You look back at him half way out the door and see the confusion, sorrow, melancholy, and heartbreak on his face. And maybe even love? You close the door behind you and rush to get into your car. You start the engine and drive away, looking back at the boarding house, saying a silent goodbye to the boy-man-vampire who you will never stop loving; who will always have your cold, dead, un-beating heart. He apologized but that will never take back all the pain that you had to go through over the past ninety-five years. You drive away, out of the town that you grew up in, out of the town of Stefan Salvatore, and the town where you were always second best to Elena Gilbert.
And you know that one day, somewhere new, he will find you and he will confess the love he has had for you. And you will not be second to Elena Gilbert no more. You will never be second to her again, because you may have been second to Elena for the past seventeen years. But now you have forever. Then there's that doubting horrible thought that comes to you. Even after she is dead, Elena will always be first in his heart. She will always be his Elena. You will never, be first. You tell yourself this because you don't want to get your hopes up. But you still dream, hope for the day when Stefan Salvatore will get over your so-called best friend and fall for you. And you just need to have patience, because one day he will realize that he loves you, that he's loved you all along, for all those years. Until then however, you'll just need to hold onto that bit of hope that keeps you sane. But in your heart, even in the back of your mind there's that small voice that tells you, that you're not Elena. You'll never be Elena, you can't be another Elena. You need to be who you are. You need to be Caroline, the jealous, insecure, neurotic, control freak on crack. And you're this person because you always get hurt, and you don't want to get hurt, not this time, especially not from him. But you just need to accept the fact that you will never be an Elena to him. Ever.
No matter how badly Damon wishes that when Elena looks into his eyes that she truly sees him, instead of seeing his brother. But then he tells himself that he deserves this kind of pain, this torture. He's the one who chooses to hide his feelings, the one who blocks them out. At least that's what Elena thinks. But she's wrong, he lets his feelings show, and it sucks. The result of loving someone, who will never love you back. The pain you feel when you see them with someone else. It is this painful, painful feeling that you would never wish upon anyone. But you know that others feel it. She told you once to let your feelings show, and that's what you do. It makes you feel more human. You feel humanity, and it scares you. So you shut it out, you turn it off because you're afraid of getting hurt.
You slowly slip away from humanity and it kills you. You see yourself, you feel yourself giving up, and you feel weak, pathetic. It feels like you're falling and grasping at air for something, someone to hold onto. But you're only met with disappointment. And you finally realize that you can't be what she wants you to be. You can't be another Stefan. You have to be who you are, which isn't human. You're not human, and that's what you hate the most about yourself. Because you miss it, you miss it more than anything. So you drown yourself in alcohol and human blood. It's your way of keeping yourself in check. It's your way of not breaking, of not becoming a complete and utter mess. And you tell yourself that you will never meet up to her expectations. Ever.