A/N: New fic time. Written solely to cheer me up from all the depression of the storyline. Going to call this AU simply because it's how I want it to go not anyone else. Was originally going to be a oneshot but now it's multi-chapter.

Disclaimer: Still don't own Eastenders or Christian and Syed (shame really) :D

I Can't Quit You Baby

Chapter One

The first time Christian saw them together they were standing in the middle of the Square. They were just talking, it all seemed completely innocent but Christian felt an instant pang of jealousy. They were standing too close for his liking, not close enough to look intimate but close enough to make Christian think there was something between them. He felt like an idiot and a voyeur because he could not move away, he was rooted to the spot and all he could do was stand there and stare; his mouth slightly open. It was embarrassing. Thankfully he managed to come to his senses before they saw him and he hurried off without them ever knowing what he had seen.

The second time Christian saw them together he realised how attractive the other man was. He was young, younger than him and more Syed's age. He was handsome too, with thick black hair and beautiful eyes. The jealous feeling hit him again. He knew he had no right to be jealous, just like Syed had no right to be jealous over him seeing someone but his mind was not in a rational mood right now and the thought of them together was sending him into overdrive.

He had never stopped loving Syed even after everything that had happened. All the lies and recriminations in the world could not stop him from loving Syed. They hadn't even really spoken since the flat warming party, only once when Christian told Syed to leave him alone. It saddened him to realise just how bad things were between them and as much as he wanted to be with him again, Christian knew he couldn't go back to the way things were. If they were going to be together then it would have to be different this time.

The third time he saw them together they were in the pub when Christian was working. It felt as if Syed was trying to rub it in how he was managing to move on. It just didn't seem fair. They looked really cosy this time, knees practically touching and Syed was smiling. Not just a polite smile to suit the company present but a huge grin, the kind of smile that made his eyes light up and make the corners of his eyes go crinkly. It was like a knife to his heart and it took of all his strength not to run off. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply before opening them and seeing that they were gone. Able to move again, Christian carried on with his job.

The next day Christian saw Syed on his own walking across the Square. He resisted the very strong urge to go over and talk to him. Ask him about his new man. Demand to know how this bloke could make Syed happy and comfortable in himself when that is all that Christian had ever wanted to make him feel. He wanted to know why he was not enough for Syed.

He didn't though. He just walked away.

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Syed knew Christian had noticed him with his new friend. He had caught him staring at them in the pub the day earlier and, feeling uncomfortable, had decided to leave immediately. He also knew what Christian was thinking. He was thinking that Syed had moved on and found a new man to be happy with but Christian was wrong. There was nothing going on between them, there couldn't be. Syed was still head over heels in love with Christian but he couldn't tell him any of that. Syed felt as though there had been too much water under the bridge for them to be close again no matter how much he wanted it. He had hurt Christian too many times to attempt to build bridges. He couldn't just tell him how he felt and expect Christian to come running. So he stayed away from him.

It wasn't just about Christian though. It was about him and who he was as a person. Syed knew he couldn't live like he had been, the lies and secrets had become too much to bear and once they had come crashing down around him he had been left with nothing. He had to find out who he was as a person and that meant being on his own for a while. No matter how much he still loved Christian.

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Christian had made it his own personal mission to avoid seeing Syed at all costs. That was he didn't have to feel jealous at how he was moving on and it helped him resist the urge to shout at Syed. He sat in his flat staring blankly at the wall trying to think what the hell to do. He didn't even hear the buzzer the first time it went off. It buzzed again, bringing Christian out of his thoughts. He crossed the room to the door and picked up the phone.

"Hello?" He said.

"Can I come up?" He heard a very familiar voice reply. His heart immediately leapt into his mouth and it felt difficult to breathe. So much for avoiding Syed, he had come directly to him.

"Sure," Christian managed to say as he buzzed him up. He moved away from the door and turned his back, grabbing hold of the chair for support.

"Thanks," he heard the voice again, that wonderful voice that had the power to turn him to jelly. "I wanted to talk to you."

"Of course. What about?"

"I know you've seen me with someone else but..." he started but Christian interrupted him.

"Yeah, I'm glad... that you're moving on... finding someone else. I'm happy for you," Christian told him, trying his hardest to sound sincere.

"What?" Syed seemed to be very surprised by what Christian was saying. "You think I'm going out with him?"

"Aren't you? You both seemed very cosy."

"He's not my boyfriend," Syed confirmed with a slight smile on his face. "He's been helping me out."

"How?"

"He's a counsellor," Syed explained. "He's been helping come to terms with everything. I've been talking to him a couple of times a week because I've been trying to deal with being gay and being a Muslim and certain family member's reaction to my situation."

"Oh," Christian replied, suddenly feeling very foolish. "I'm sorry, I just assumed because you looked so close."

"How could you think I could just move on that easily? After everything that happened between us? Do you think that I would just stop loving you? Do you think that little of me?"

"I don't know what to think anymore," Christian admitted.

"I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life but I have so much baggage I had to work my way through before I'm ready to even consider being in a relationship. It took me a long to get to this point and as much as I love you I can't be with you. I need to be comfortable with who I am first."

"I understand," Christian said.

"Thank you. I don't ever expect for you to want me in that was again but I would like it if we could be friends. I miss you."

"Sy," Christian sighed heavily. "I don't think I could ever stop loving you. I was angry after everything happened, so mad I thought I would never forgive you but my feelings never changed. I want to say that I've moved on, that I can find someone else and be happy but I can't. No-one compares to you."

"I wish I was ready to be with you," Syed told him. "But I'm not and I don't know if I ever will be ready at the moment. I just want you to happy so you should move on and find someone who can love you as much as you deserve. I should go," Syed felt tears begin to well up in his eyes and he didn't want Christian to see them.

"Wait," Christian said and he grabbed Syed's arm. "Don't go, please."

"I can't be who you want me to be," Syed said tearfully. Christian pulled him close and wrapped his arms around the man he loved.

"It's okay," Christian soothed. "I know you're not there but I can wait. I can wait forever until you can say that you can be with me and until then I will be the best friend you could ever want. You can talk to me about anything, okay?"

"Thank you," Syed said, staring deep into Christian's eyes. He leaned up and kissed him chastely on the lips. "I really have to go. I'm meeting Rob."

"Rob?"

"The counsellor I've been seeing. My not boyfriend."

"Oh right," Christian grinned.

"I'll call you later, maybe we could talk?" Syed asked hopefully.

"Sure, call me when you're ready."

"Thank you," Syed smiled and pulled away from Christian. "I'll speak to you later," he said as he opened the door.

"Bye," Christian replied, feeling better than he had done in a long time. Things were definitely starting to look up.