Foreword
A new project! I've been reading self inserts recently, so I thought as a side project to Lone Wolfe, I could do this! I shall try to make this humorous, well I'm gonna use my sense of humour, if you aren't English you may not get some jokes. Anyways let's start with Fire Emblem: Self-Awareness!
(I do not own Fire Emblem or its characters.)
Eh, I'm bored. Parent's are away, brother is at work, and I'm off of college. Haven't played Awakening in a while. Let's boot it up.
Aww I love that little jingle, anyways let's see…Oh I haven't done the Hubba Tester thing in a while, I wonder if Chrom's marriage is breaking apart yet. Heh.
Chrom and Sumia, ah they're still perfect for each other. Dammit Hubba I want some drama, wait…the hell is this? There's Robin and…Steven? Shit, that's me! I didn't name The Avatar after me, I just called him Robin. What is happening?
Ooo a text box. 'You're time has come buddy.' The fuck? Hubba what do you mean? 'Time to play the game!' WWE jokes aside, the fuck are you on about Hubba?
'Time for your…Awakening!' Seriously what the hell-wait why am I so tired?
…
...
It was like 10 o'clock why did I just drop asleep? And what was happening to my game…more importantly…am I in a forest? Yup there are trees, bushes, a dirt track. I'm in a forest, okay…check yourself Steve, make sure you're in one piece. Long-arse hair check, jeans check, shirt and jacket check. Well I've still got my clothes at least, wait pockets. Hair band, sweet I need to find a mirror to tie my hair, also my phone! Shit, no signal. But hey I still have my music, and earbuds!
Well let's get going I s'pose, the track has to lead somewhere. What's that jingling? My keys...no…why do I have a sheath on my belt? And why is there a fucking sword in it! Best not think about it, don't want a panic attack.
…
This track is long, oh hey a clearing. Is that a town? It looks so damn…old-timey, did I find larpers? Eh, find someone, ask where I am. Is that a pub? I'm thirsty anyways, oh hey a barkeep.
"What can I get ya mate?" Jeez he sounds like my brother.
"Just some water please." Ah good, I was parched. "Hey bud, you know what place this is?"
"This is Southtown mate, you a traveller?"
…
No.
Noooooo.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO.
FUUUUUUUUU-
"Yes, thanks for the water, but I gotta go! See ya bud!" Keep fucking calm, KEEP FUCKING CALM. OLD-TIMEY SHIT, THE WAY HE SPOKE, SOUTHTOWN? HUBBA YOU MOTHERFUCKER, I'M IN FIRE EMBLEM. Okay, breath Steve, you're a calm guy, you-shit is that burning I smell? Holy fuck THAT CHURCH IS ON FIRE! And are those…BANDITS, THEY HAVE AXES AND SWORDS, THIS IS FUCKED!
"Oy! Give us your coin, or you die runt!" Fuck that guy is huuuuuge. Fuck that axe is huuuuuge.
"You seem like a nice guy, I don't really have any money on me, so I gotta go see ya!" He's grabbed my arm. I AM GOING TO DIE HERE!
"If you don't have any gold, I'll just take what you got!" Shite, he sounds pissed. Don't fail me now boots! When in doubt, KICK HIM IN THE DICK! "GRAH-YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" Great. I just pissed him of even more. Wait, I got a sword don't I! Why is it on my right side? I'M NOT LEFT HANDED, FUCK IT, IMPROVISE. Hold it backwards like a ninja or some shit, assume any kind of stance!
"Back off prick or I'll cut your fucking Jacobs off!" Snatch? Really? Eh, Bricktop was a scary guy I guess.
"GET OVER HERE YOU LITTLE RAT!" HE'S SWINGING HIS AXE OH FUCK!
Dodge that shit like Ali, well that went well, okay take this dickhead! "I said back off!"
I just cut at his kidneys…oh fuck that's a lot of blood, oh fuck he's dead…
…MAMAAAA, JUST KILLED A MAN!-No! Not right now, okay I ain't that squeamish, but fuck he ain't moving. Okay don't throw up, you got guts of steel! OW, FUCK MY ARM. Is-is that an arrow? Fuck I've been shot, I feel faint. Screw it I'm knackered anyways, night-night.
…
Okay my arm feels weird, aw that was a good sleep. Okay open eyes…
"Are you okay? You got shot!" Short girl, blonde hair tied in pigtails. Lissa…I'm in fucking Fire Emblem for sure now.
"Apart from the fact I just killed a bandit, got shot, and passed out in a burning village. I'M JUST PEACHY!" Stand up, fuck my arm still hurts.
"It's okay! Calm down, I healed your arm, the arrow is gone." Sure enough it's gone, Christ she is short. I'm like 5"11 last I checked, but she's like a child! "Stay here, we'll handle the bandits!"
We? I assume she means Chrom, Frederick and…Robin, shit if I'm here am I the Avatar? Well I don't have a mark on my hand, so I guess I'm not. "Wait, let me help!" Damn sense of morals. "I can still fight!" I raise my sword, which I noticed has a single edge. It looks like very similar to Orcrist from The Hobbit, it looks fucking sweeeeet.
"Are you sure? Well okay then, I'm Lissa nice to meet you!" Wow, she smiles so happily. Better be formal I guess.
"The name's Steven, or Steve if you prefer." Better shake hands. Okay let's get going!
"Follow me!"
"I've got your back." That sounded cool-DON'T THINK LIKE THAT YOU ALMOST DIED.
Well there's the others, Chrom looks all heroic and shit, Frederick looks unamused and Robin is slinging thunder attacks like it's going out of style. Shit! An archer is aimed at Chrom! He can't die, he's the main fucking character! Gotta help out. Okay, turn sword to archer, BANZAI! Oh fuck. He's dead as well, stabbed him in the back. Pull out sword, it's covered in blood. I feel so fucking wrong right now, okay keep it together. Shit he's looking at me, don't get nervous.
"Did you kill that archer?" I just nod like an idiot. "Thanks for the help!" I just wave with my off hand. Hey that's the first boss guy!
"C'mere sheepy! Come to the slaughter!" Okay this guy needs to die, wait. The archer, he dead as hell. Lemme just loot that bow, cheers mate you won't need it where you're going! Okay sheath sword, bow in left hand, pick up arrow, aim that shit like Legolas! And FIRE! BULLSEYE RIGHT IN THE GUT. Chrom just runs over and finishes him off like a boss. I better keep this bow, I like archery anyways. Sweet, his quiver was still full of arrows! I feel so Borderlandsy right now.
"Once again, thank you for the assistance!" Chrom is shorter than my brother? I'm nearly as tall as him! "What's your name, friend?"
"Steven, y'alright?" He's looking at me like I'm some maniac. "Sorry, that's slang from my home, it means are you alright?" Sick save.
"Well Steven, I thank you for your help again." They turn to leave, well fuck I'm being ditched.
"Wait Chrom!" Lissa? "He's pretty good with a sword, and he's a great archer, did you see that shot!" Aww now I feel all fuzzy and shit. "We should take him with us!" Wait…
"He looks suspicious milord, his…attire is not Ylissean." Thanks Frederick, good to see you're still a twat. "Where are you from?"
"I'm an outrealmer." Okay we can work with this. "From a place called…England." They don't even know if it exists, it's a pretty solid blag.
"We find an amnesiac. Then an outrealmer? This is incredibly suspect." This is why I never used you Frederick, you're a textbook prick.
"Robin do you know him?" Sure enough Robin walks forward and scratches her head.
"No…I don't think I have…sorry." It's a default Robin, but a female one, she's got the standard white hair.
"Well you fought to help this village, you have my trust." Good guy Chrom strikes again. "You can travel with us for now, my name is Chrom, my younger sister is Lissa, the mage is Robin and the knight is Frederick the Wary." This is so damn surreal.
"A title I shall wear with pride, gods forbid someone takes an appropriate level of caution." That line is straight from the game I'm sure of it! Hey that's the barkeep from before.
"Milord, please! You must stay the night! We are simple folk of simple means, but we would gladly toast your valour with a feast!" And Freddo is gonna turn this down, dick.
I'm gonna phase out for a bit, thinks things over. I killed two people, I've been shot, met the goddamn Shepherds, today was strange. Okay Chrom's tapping my shoulder.
"Steven? We are leaving now, the capital isn't far from here." Dude's too kind for his own good.
"Aye, lets go," This could be fun I guess, just minus all the fighting.
Closing Comments
Yup, my humour is crass and idiotic. This'll be a lot more light hearted than Lone Wolfe, and I'll be updating this less than Lone Wolfe, as that is my main project for the time being. But this is rated M for all the gratuitous swearing. I hope you enjoy it! -Muffin