This turned out about three times the size as I originally planned, but I couldn't stop myself from writing Jack's story. This one-shot belongs in the same universe as Rory and I's newest story, Lighthouse. (Note: Lighthouse is written by Rory, but this is written solely by Me, with a bit of editing done by her.) This just sheds some light on to who Jack was while she was alive, and just how she impacted Reid and everyone else's lives. You don't need to read Lighthouse to completely understand this, or viseversa, but it would help. Based on the song "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab For Cutie. I own nothing, and reviews are always loved.
Hope you love it; Madi.
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
I stared at the empty ceiling, counting the specks and raised bumps with little enthusiasm. I'd been in the hospital for nearly a week, seven days too many. I didn't understand why they just didn't send me home, allow me to do my dying in the comfort of my bed and allow someone in more need of the hospital bed than I was to have it. I was perfectly content with doing all my sappy goodbyes and death bed wishes in my own bed, not some sterile hospital in Boston an hour away from home. I knew I was going to die, why the hell couldn't they just leave me alone?
Being in a depressing hospital for a week wasn't doing anyone any good, and not just my own sorry ass. I could see my parents slipping further and further into their sorrows with each passing day, could see in their eyes how much they wanted to break but couldn't. They had obligations as parents to keep their family together, and that meant never allowing their children to watch one of their emotional breakdowns. But it didn't matter if I never saw them cry, I'd heard Mom bawling in the night, my Dad's soft whispers comforting her before the house would return to silence. I knew how scared they were, watching their only daughter lying so close to death on a cold hospital bed, with nothing in the realm of reason that they could do to save me.
I was beyond saving, the doctor's had confirmed that months earlier. It was one of the few things they'd ever been able to tell us. They never had good news for us, and after a while, we gave up hope. My parents would never say it out loud, but they knew all hope was lost. I was going to die, and there was nothing that anyone could do. No matter how much I wanted them to save me, to take me in their arms and promise that someday, I would be normal and healthy again, I knew they couldn't. Because I made them promise from the very beginning, when I was diagnosed, that I wanted nothing from the truth from them. I wouldn't allow for sugar coating the truth, I wanted the harsh and brutal end of it all. I wanted to be prepared, and I wanted to know how much time I had left.
Four months was the verdict, and even now it's only been three.
Reid shifted behind me, his arm tightening unconsciously around my waist as he held me protectively. I felt him left out a tired sigh, his hot breath ruffled my limp hair, before he drifted back to sleep. He'd been staying in my room, latched to my side since my admission the Monday before. I only remember him leaving once, to get coffee for Mom and Dad, otherwise he would slip away while I was in for scans or while I was taking one of my few naps. It was hard to sleep when you knew there was only so much time you had left, to do everything you want to before it just ends.
I wasn't scared to die. I've been telling myself this since the very beginning, that death was nothing to fear and that in the end, all I would feel was peace and happiness and no more pain. I prayed to God that when it happened, my family wouldn't be there to watch as I finally slipped away from them, leaving them forever. I knew that while Reid was strong, and had the boys behind him every step of the way, there was only so much a sixteen year old could handle. Watching his baby sister die would put him over the edge, and I was too frightened to think of what would become of him if that were to happen. I didn't want the last image in his mind of me to be the one of me dying. He didn't need that on his shoulders, no one did.
I didn't know what would happen after I left. I tried not to think about it, about how things would just continue on moving without me. After I kept having dreams about a new girl, who could have been my twin only with a prettier smile, moved in my family and proceeded to live my life, I pushed all thoughts of the Aftermath from my mind. All thinking about it did was scare the hell outta me and get my emotions all messed around. Neither were things if I planned to fight for more time. I knew that once I was gone, everyone had the right to move on, to start over and keep on keepin' on. (My grandma Sarah's words, not mine.) Even if I didn't want them to move on without me and start new lives, I knew they deserved it after the past few months that I'd given them. They deserved to be happy, all of them. Just because I was gone, didn't mean they had to be as well.
The door to my hospital door slid open and I jerked my head up to see the others and Kate standing there, grim looks on each of their faces. I felt Reid move slightly but I was glad he stayed asleep, he really did need the rest. I shot them all smiles as they moved quietly in, noticing my sleeping older brother, and sat themselves around my bed. Tyler sat closet to me, what looked like tears in his eyes and a heartbroken look on his young face. I saw him glance at all the wires I was connected to, none of which I really needed. I saw the look of horror on his face as he seemed to realize the situation in full.
"Don't look at me like that, Baby Boy," I muttered, deliberately calling him by his hated nickname. I found it funny, seeing as he was still almost a full year older than myself. "You look like I'm gonna die on you or something."
The look that shot out at me with such stricken pain from his eyes told me that was exactly what he, and everyone else in the room, thought. I shook my head, praying that the movement didn't wake Reid, and reached out a pale hand to grasp Ty's. "I'm not about to leave, Tyler. You guys are stuck with me for awhile," I tried to give him a reassuring smile, but I think it failed.
"You sure as hell better not," Pogue muttered, his eyes downcast and his hand was tightly holding Kate's shaking one. The older girl had tears streaming down her beautiful face, one that I wished I had been blessed with, and I knew with some comfort that if Reid hadn't been beside me on the bed, she would have been.
Caleb, god love him, cleared his throat into the silence and threw me a grin. "How're you feeling, kid?" It was the same question everyone had been asking me all day, the nurses, my doctors, my parents, everyone wanted to know how I was doing. It was the same every time.
"Meh, not feeling so well for some reason," I mumbled, snuggling back into Reid's warm body while letting my eyes flutter shut. He grunted and once again tugged me closer in his sleep, the movement caused everyone in the room to smile softly. "I think I have a cold."
Everyone knew I was joking, and failing miserably at it. Tyler's hand squeezed mine as he stared intently at the floor. I looked to see Caleb leaning forward in his seat, looking older beyond his years as he watched my heart monitor closely. Kate and Pogue were together on the small couch that sat against the window, his thumb tracing small circles on her hand gently. I hated the silence, the fear that always followed those who came into my room as they instantly ceased their talk in case it would upset me. I hated it, loathed it.
Just as I was about to start up a lame conversation involving school, my door slid open once again and in entered Dr. Patrakis, my parents following close behind. I instantly saw the tears running down my mother's face and the overly solemn look that adorned my father's. The boys stood up as the adults entered, and as if on cue, Reid jerked awake with a snort. I would've laughed at his cost if it hadn't have been for the looks on my parents faces. I didn't need to ask to know it was more bad news.
It took Reid, who was still half asleep, about three seconds to realize others were in the room and he gave everyone an odd look. "What's going on?" he asked. Gently, he pulled himself up, putting my head on his chest as he grabbed my hand not taken by Tyler's. He glanced down at me, giving me a soft smile and squeezed my hand briefly before looking back to my doctor and our parents.
Dr. Patrakis let out a sigh and motioned towards the rest of the guys and Kate. "I think this is something best heard by family-"
"The boys are part of the family," my dad interrupted the doc before he was fully through, a stern edge to his voice. "As is Kate. We don't mind them being here, they'll find out anyway."
My doc sent him an annoyed look, but didn't object. He turned to me, my chart in hand. "How are you feeling today, Jack?" he questioned, his voice a bit softer than when he was addressing the others. It was rude to offend the dying.
"I feel fine," I said, which was a complete and utter lie and everyone knew it. Dr. Patrakis raised his eyebrow to my statement and shook his head.
"Well, regardless of how you may feel, you're growing steadily worse by the hour," he said, saying nothing that didn't surprise me. He glanced at my parents and looked back to me. "I know this is sudden, Jack. I know that I told you that you would have more time, but there's nothing more that we can do for you." His tone was regrettable, and it was a small comfort to know that he cared. He let out a sigh as he ran a tired hand over his wrinkled face. "There is simply nothing more we can do for you, other than prescribe something to ease the pain in the coming days. I'm sorry Jack, but there's nothing more that can be done."
To save you.
My doctor didn't say it, but everyone in the room heard it. I heard Kate burst into tears as the she felt the impact of his words, I could see my mother start to sob into my father's shoulder while he held an empty, void expression on his face. I knew that Tyler was crying that that Caleb would be trying his hardest to comfort the boy. I felt Reid get up from behind me, gently laying me back down on the bed before following after my doctor. I could feel everything going on around me as it happened, but all I understood was that it was almost over.
'This is it,' I thought, numbly laying down on my mattress as I curled my knees up to chest and tucked in my arms. 'This could be your last night on earth. You might never wake up, Jack. This could be the end.'
I could hear yelling in the hallway, and in the back of my mind I registered the voices as Reid and Caleb but I couldn't bring myself to wonder what it was they were fighting about now. They always fought, whether it be about something Reid did, something he didn't do, or something completely petty and immature, they were always fighting. It was comforting to know that even after I left them, their fights would always be constant.
"She needs you Reid!" Caleb's voice was loud and thunderous, even for a sixteen year old's. He glared at Reid, his hand outstretched and pointing towards my room. Reid dug the palms of his hands into his eyes, spinning once around with a heavy, tired sigh. He stopped facing the opposite wall, a helpless expression on his face.
"I can't save her," he mumbled, his eyes looked lost as they searched the wall across from him. He let out a humorless laugh and turned his head to a quiet Caleb. "My baby sister's about to die in there Caleb, and I can't do a fucking thing about it. Tell me how that makes sense when we can do anything we want with this damned Power?
Huh? How come I steal any car I want, beat any ass at pool, lift up any girl's skirt that I want, and yet I can't do a thing to save her! How the fuck does that work out?"
Caleb shook his head slowly, a sorrowful look on his young face as he listened to his friend rant angrily. He looked at Reid with a blank face, "You can't save everyone, Reid. You may not be able to save her from dying, but you can sure as hell take care of her while she's here." His voice rose slightly as he took on a maddened expression. "She needs you, Reid. Jackie needs you to be her big brother and make everything alright. She needs you to be there!"
Reid's eyes looked to the ground as he fought back the tears that had been threatening to fall for the past week. He smiled ruefully at the black and white tiled floor. "I can't save her," he said again, almost too softly for the older Son to hear. "I'm her big brother, and I can't fucking save her."
Hearing the distress in Reid's voice, Caleb walked slowly to him, clapping a hand on his shoulder and pulled him for a hug. It took a moment, but Reid eventually returned the small gesture before pulling back, rubbing his nose almost embarrassed on his sleeve and let out a heavy sigh.
"We're gonna get through this Reid," Caleb ensured, throwing an arm over his friend's shoulder and guided him gently back to Jack's room. "We're gonna make it through this, all of us."
I felt the bed shift in weight as Reid laid back down beside me, his arm going around me and gripped my shoulder as he pulled me closer and tucked my head beneath his chin. I moved my arm and put it over top his and grabbed his hand with my own, which was surprisingly shaking. He kissed my hair gently before resting his forehead against the top of my head.
"I love you Jack," he muttered softly, pulling me tighter. I didn't say anything in return, afraid that the moment I spoke I might burst into tears. I just nodded my head and shut my eyes tightly hoping to keep the reservoirs behind them dammed up. I couldn't break, not now. Not when I had been so strong for so long, not when it was so close to the end. No, I had to be strong for Reid, for mom and for dad, for Tyler and everyone else. I couldn't let them down, I just couldn't. I bit my lip and dug my chin into Reid's forearm, knowing that my shoulders were shaking.
I will not cry. I will not cry. I will be strong.
It took me a few seconds to respond to the dampness at the top of my head, and my heart clenched at the thought of Reid, big, strong Reid, crying for me. God, how could I have been so horrible to him, he didn't deserve this. Feeling more tears falling on my head, I gripped his hand tighter and brought his arm as humanly close to me as possible, hugging it for dear life. I would not let him down.
"I'm so sorry Reid," I mumbled, my words laced with hurt and pain. I hugged him closer still, "God, I'm so so so sorry."
I felt his breath on the back of my neck as he replied, voice thick and soft. "For what?"
A tear escaped from my shut eye and slid it's way down my face and landed with a plunk on Reid's hand. I couldn't stop the ones that followed after the traitor, the single tear that broke the dam. I was a blubbering idiot by the time I managed to reply to his soft question, by then everyone had gathered around my bed and Reid had propped me up against he chest, his arms tightly around my waist as he held me upright. "I didn't mean to get sick, honest! God, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to!"
I could feel Reid shaking behind me, sobs racking through his body and I felt a hand on my leg as Kate sobbed. Tyler was beyond consolidation as he laid his tear strewn face on my mattress, just out of reach of my hand and I felt Caleb's strong grip on one hand and Pogue's on my other. I was bent over at the waist, Reid's wet face resting in the crook of my neck while he cried, and I could feel myself convulsing from the tears. It was how my parents walked in to find us, ten minutes later as we all still continued to weep our souls out through our eyes.
The moment my mother saw us, she crumbled in time for my dad to catch her and go down with her, tears finally breaking down his face as well.
God, I was a horrible person for doing to everyone. I could not believe what I was putting them through, what I was making them live through. At least with my end of the deal, I had an out. They were the ones I was leaving behind, the ones that would have to keep walking for the rest of their lives and make something of themselves. I was going to be gone, but they would live on. I was a horrible, horrible person. I voiced this to them, though I'll never know if they understood me through the rib cracking sobs that had overtaken my body.
We stayed that way for the rest of the night, my protector behind me to keep my upright, my parents together leaning against the far wall of my room, far off looks on their faces as they held hands. Tyler never left my side, and neither Pogue nor Caleb ever relinquished their tight hold on my hands. Eventually, Kate somehow curled up at the end of my bed, using my skinny legs as a pillow. I didn't mind any.
The next few days were a blur, and I don't remember much of anything. I just remember how much harder it was to open my eyes after I took a blink, how much effort it took to change the channel on the television, and how food started to repulse me. I slept a lot, even though every time I closed my eyes, I was terrified I might never open them again. I knew it was going to happen, sooner or later, but I prayed every night that it would be later.
I think I lasted four whole days once Dr. Patrakis told me it was ending, before I finally went to sleep and didn't wake up. I was happy that it happened when it did, while my parents were getting coffee and the other's had convinced Reid to go get food in the cafeteria. I was alone when I died, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I knew that they loved me, and that was all that mattered.
I went to my own funeral, a week later and watched as they lowered my casket into the ground. I tried to comfort a stone-faced Reid, but apparently the dead aren't allowed to communicate with the living. I watched as family, most I didn't even remember meeting, came to my family and gave their consolidations. I listened as an old lady, who I did recognize as my great-aunt Barbra, leaned in to whisper something in Reid's ear.
"Remember what my sister, Sarah, used to say," she told him, a sad note lacing each of her words as she mentioned my long since passed away grandmother. "Love is watching someone die."
Reid didn't take well to the old woman's words and quickly excused himself, heading for the car silently, Tyler following after him. I could do nothing but watch as my older brother walked away, and I couldn't help but love the words my aunt had said. I glanced once more at Reid's retreating back before turning away, happy to know someone would be there to watch him die when it was his time.
But now, it was time for me to go home.
Reviews are always nice.