Songfic
"Dust in the Wind" music and lyrics by Kansas
fanfiction by: Icicle Raindream
Disclaimer: I do not own anything connected to the show Gundam Wing, so I'm not getting paid for this or making any money in any way. This is for entertainment only. (And it's also a way for a tortured mind to release the nagging idea it had inside for a while now.)
Notes: I love this song. So, so sad…and so, so pretty…and so, so depressing all the same. So of course I got inspired to write a fic with the lyrics! Gotta love the classical soft rock songs, ne? This idea had actually been in my head for a while, I just didn't have the right circumstance to write it in. I found that circumstance when I clicked play on Winamp and listened to this song for the first time in a long, long while. Read on and tell me what you think!!
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That morning I slid out of bed, landing my feet on the soft carpet that lined the floor. My covers had been warm, but the cool air of my bedroom seeped through my thin nightgown as I walked from the bed to the window, which was closed. Leaning against the inside pane with one arm crossed in front of me, I reached with the other hand and pushed the window open a slight crack. The day outside was gray, the sky covered with thick dark clouds that loomed over the earth, threatening the soil with thunderstorms and harsh rain and not letting even a hint of sunshine peek through. The wind blew occasionally, and it sent a shiver through me. I wrapped both my arms around me and stared out the window, down and out across the hill of my property, my new house that I had settled in with Pagan after the war ended. The grass was lush and green and full, blowing its tiny strands of life through the fingers of the wind. I closed my eyes and tried to remember. Why I wanted to remember was beyond my comprehension. Maybe I wanted to sort things out for myself, to find why I felt so empty inside, and so I shut my eyes tightly, blocking out the sounds of the wind as it breezed by me.
I close my eyes
only for a moment, but the moment's gone
All my dreams
pass before my eyes of curiosity
And for a brief moment, I can feel him. I can feel everything. The way the grass was poking through my thin blouse as I lay flat against it, the way the rain splashed onto my face and ran down my cheeks in streams, the way my mouth smiled of its own will at him as he looked down at me, the way his body covered mine, the way his heat caused my eyes to flutter. The way it felt when he pressed his lips to mine and slid his hands underneath me. The mud sucked at our skin, the rain cleansed us, and the grass was crushed gleefully beneath us, still shining green in the dark recesses of my mind.
And then, the one moment of my life that I could truthfully label as undoubtedly happy, was gone in a flash and a blink of my eyes.
I shook myself a little and opened my eyes, letting them wander from the grass on the hill. I loved that hill when I first moved here, and I thought it would always be special. And it was…it just wasn't the kind of special that I wanted. It was different because the situation had been odd.
I didn't know why I was out there, I didn't know why I hadn't thought of at least bringing an umbrella or a raincoat or some sort of protection from the rain, and I didn't know why, at the moment I had been thinking about him, he had shown up. He stood in front of me with his hands in his jean pockets and his black jacket zipped all the way up, with his hair dripping wet with rainwater into his face. His solemn face. The face that said he wasn't going to tell me anything, and I shouldn't bother to ask.
But perhaps there hadn't been anything to ask him anyway. I didn't need to ask his permission as I grabbed his hand and pulled him down the hill with me. I didn't need to ask why he saved me from tumbling into the mass mud puddle at the bottom of the sloping green earth, and I certainly didn't need or want to ask why he didn't complain as I splashed him with mud water repeatedly, my carefree high-pitched laugh echoing through the dark thunder clouds.
We were just dust in the wind. Two hopeless speckles of unfeeling earth being shuffled around as the wind blew the rain into our eyes. Blinded by the storm with knowing feelings. Maybe our eyes couldn't see, but our hearts did. Or at least mine did, at that time.
Same old song
just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see
The wind tousled my hair about, as I stood still leaning against the windowpane, my arms still around me for warmth. I had been so happy then. My plans for peace were in full swing, and even though I missed him, I knew I had to keep going and let him go his own way. We had two different paths, and my path was too demanding of me to think about myself. I had other people to take care of and he had other things I knew he needed to do. We didn't have any reason for crossing each other again. No official reason at all.
And yet somehow, our paths managed to intertwine and draw us near each other again. The night he just up and appeared in front of me on that grassy knoll in my front yard. The night the rain drenched us mercilessly to the bone, the night the grass swayed in the wind. The night that all that had been said and done was in the past and all that mattered was the here and now. And the only trace of a memory that lingered brightly in my head was the way the grass shook and fluttered in the wind that night, the droplets of rainwater running down them into my hands. My hands that grabbed for handfuls of earth, my voice that cried out his name into the night, my body that accepted him and all he was worth and all he was willing to give.
He gave me everything and took it all away at the same time. We were just dust in the wind. Two hopeless speckles of unfeeling earth being shuffled around as the wind blew the rain into our eyes.
Don't hang on
when nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away
and all your body won't another minute by
I remember how I lay in bed, clutching my teddy bear with all my might, squeezing the soft fur between my shaking fingers, knowing that this horrible aching feeling deep down inside wasn't normal. It wasn't right, and it hurt, twisting my insides around and folding them inside out with no recognition that it was all but killing me. The tears soaked the pillow along with the sweat, and when my bedroom door opened I was finally saved. Pagan hadn't known what had happened between Heero and I, so many months ago. He trusted me fully and let me out of his sight for one full night, and I betrayed him. The only thing I didn't betray was my heart. I wanted that night, I just didn't know why it had been there.
And now I paid the price dearly. The ambulance that came, the technicians who helped me out of my soggy bed, the stretcher I was placed on, the walls of my house as they filtered through my hazy vision, were all a sloppy blur in my mind. The only thing I remember about that…was the way the bear had been jerked and squeezed and torn between my hands, the way my voice cried helplessly for Heero, the way my body felt like it was flipped inside out and set through a blender on high. The way my heart felt like charcoal as the doctor announced carefully that my premature pregnancy had been terminated, due to reasons detrimental to my health. My baby was dead.
What would have been Heero's son was now just a longing moment of breath inside me. We were just dust in the wind. Two hopeless speckles of unfeeling earth being shuffled around as the wind blew the rain into our eyes. And he didn't know.
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
Dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind
I turned away from my window and walked back to the bed. I spotted the teddy bear, sitting there in the corner of my bed with its red ribbon still tied around its neck. I hadn't touched it since the hospital, and the ends of the red ribbon were frayed, no doubt from that night my trembling fingers had desperately wanted to hold onto him as my body slowly approached death.
I picked it up now, and walked back to my open window. Quickly, with nimble fingers this time, I untied the ribbon and dropped the bear to the ground. I held the ribbon out the window, the lace falling between my fingers before the wind picked up again and carried it away. I watched as it rippled through the air, landed softly on the grass, was lifted again, and sailed over the hill. That…special hill. Heero's hill, the hill where he and I didn't understand everything that was going on but weren't willing to give it up.
And I never told him. He didn't know about anything that I had been through, all because of a confused ache in our hearts four months ago. I hadn't seen him since that night.
And now, I realized, we are still dust in the wind. Still two hopeless speckles of unfeeling earth being shuffled around as the wind blows the rain into our eyes. Still blinded by the storm with knowing feelings. Maybe our eyes still don't see, but our hearts still do.
Or at least mine still did.
It was wrong of me, I knew it was. It was wrong to still burn after the person who gave you everything of his soul and then took yours as he left without a care. It was terribly wrong, and yet I couldn't stop myself from feeling that way. I didn't know where he was or what he was doing, or even if he was ever going to come back, or even if I would ever accept him again if he did come back.
I just knew that I wanted him. And that night, what I had seen of him, everything in his eyes, in his actions, in his touch, everything that I had witnessed told me the same. He still wanted me too.
I stayed at the window with my arms at my sides this time, paying no attention to the wind that caressed my hair and ruffled my nightgown. Had it all been worth it? My life now, which had taken a completely different path around the events that took place four months ago, wasn't happy. I didn't like this life anymore, but somewhere something deep inside me told me that the night we were together…was definitely worth it. That voice could have been the same one telling me we still wanted each other, and I couldn't believe it, although it nagged me.
But I knew, even if I couldn't recall the memories in elongated periods of time, that shocks of the feelings would still come back every now and then, and I would always remember how he felt in my arms.
But still, we were dust in the wind. Everything is dust in the wind.