AN:
Hey guys! This is my first LotS fanfic and I'm nervous in case I didn't meet the fans standards. It's just that LotS English are quite deep and mine isn't, so if there's wrong grammar, spelling, or very modern word that doesn't really fit in their world, then I apologize. Be easy on me, please?
This is based on the episode 'Dark' and 'Perdition' which happens to air here in the Philippines just recently. ( a bit late I know, but at least I get to see Cara again. :p) Anyway, I don't know if I give Cara's thought's justice or any of the characters, and if you think they're a bit out of character, then I apologize again. Anyway here it is. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Yeah, I don't own anything LotS, blah blah blah...
2nd POV ( italics are flashbacks , bold and in 1stPOV are Cara's thoughts.)
"I'm not sure love makes a person weak, Cara."
Love. That word was so foreign to you. You know you heard it before, you remember your Father telling you that word when you were still a kid, when you were still living with your family. But that was a long time ago and now, you just can't remember that feeling.
The first time you heard it from the Mother Confessor, you don't know if you'll laugh or be annoyed. Because seriously, it was the most ridiculous and a very funny thing to say to the likes of you. A Mord-Sith. You were trained to kill, not to spare. Your sole purpose in life and in death is to serve the Lord Rahl. You only believe that this feelings only makes you weak.
" It's not necessary to feel pain over his absence." You're confused. You don't understand why the Mother Confessor was sulking in the corner, weeping Richard's sword while crying. It wasn't even that long since he went on his own leaving the rest of you to continue the quest. He's not even dead. So why does Kahlan cries over him? Why is she acting like your Lord Rahl is dead, and even if he is, she's not supposed to cry over him. You don't understand what she's really feeling and that frustrates you.
" Don't you feel anything?" Kahlan asked.
" Mord'Sith believe emotions must be governed." That's what a Mord-Sith was thought to believe. That was what YOU were thought to believe.
" Sadness, remorse, love… These feelings make you weak. But anger, loyalty, pride… These feelings make you powerful." You walk closer to her, seizing her reaction. "I can teach you how to control your emotions, if you like."
You pursed your lips, inhaling deep through your nose as you tried not to scream. You don't understand what you're feeling. Your heart is just hurting so bad you just want it to stop. It was almost the same feeling you had, when you learned the truth about your father. Spirits, did you feel broken. But still, it was nothing compared to what you're dealing with now. The pain was surreal, nothing like the feel of any agiels you'd encounter, or any wound battle you had. Even that time you were broken by your sisters was just nothing compared to this. It was coming deep from your chest, spreading in every possible parts in your body. Almost like someone put a sword, strike an arrow, and push an agiels in your chest all at the same time. It almost made you cry, well ALMOST. You blinked back the tears before it spills from your eyes.
'I'm not supposed to cry!' you thought.
You're a Mord-Sith and a Mord-Sith DOES NOT cry from any pain. It was a show of weakness, and that is just not acceptable. You thought about why you're feeling this in the first place. You remembered seeing him the first time.
A man was lurking around the perimeter, where the horses are resting. You thought he was a thief, stealing your precious horses that you secretly love and adore, (not that you're gonna admit that to anyone!). You watch him drag his hand along the horse' torso, as if he was caressing it. He lifts one of its feet like he was checking something on it. You studied him for a moment. He was built, maybe an inch taller than you. A well-muscled body was obvious behind his clothes and for a second there it actually made you wonder what's beneath those clothes.
The moan of the horse snapped you out of your thoughts. You blinked rapidly and checked the surrounding. You sigh in relief as you notice there's nowhere around. Kahlan and the wizard were nowhere to be found, probably still on the campsite, or maybe eating or rather devouring a tree full of apples that you passed by on the way. You rolled your eyes, deciding the latter was the more obvious reason, and glance back to the stranger. He was crouch down now, still checking the feet of the horses. You approached him quietly from behind as to not alert him with your presence. If he was a threat, you'll have to take care of him yourself. You grin maniacally as you think of many ways to kill this man, and then frown immediately as you remembered you can't do that anymore. The Mother Confessor will lecture you about it, and your new Lord Rahl will be disappointed to you. You frown deeply, gripping your agiels from your side. The familiar pain runs through your arm, and you relaxed for a bit. If you can't kill this man, then you'll make sure to torture him in every possible way until he begs for his own death. The side of your lips curls at the last thought, as you stand a few feet behind him. The man's shoulder tense, letting you know he's aware of your presence. He stood up carefully, his hand touching the horse. Before he could turn around to face you, you strike your agiels at the back of his neck making him cry in pain and black out.
Leo Dane, a black smith. The wizard said that he saw him in Shota's vision. He is supposed to be the next Seeker of the Truth. He said that there's a prophecy that one of them will be named the next seeker.
He began travelling with the merry band minus Richard. At first you're not happy. You can't believe they were trying to replace your Lord Rahl. You know that the wizard's vision is true but you can't help but be wary to the new guy.
"Can I give you a hand?" You heard him say from behind, as you prepare your horse for the travelling. You look over your shoulder to get a glimpse of the guy, and then quickly look back. You climbed at the back of the horse, smoothly before facing him.
"You'll soon learn that it's we who are here to help you." You said, staring at him, hard. "Seeker." You spat the last word at him. You can't believe the nerve of this guy, offering his help as if you're some damsel in distress.
"Trying to show chivalry to a Mord-Sith is like trying to dance with a bear. It's never going to work and someone is going to get their head bitten off." The wizard chimed in. You glared at Zedd for a moment then ride your horse away from the two annoying men.
It was one of the things you loathed about the blacksmith. His 'chivalry' as Zedd calls it, was unnecessary and it just makes you annoyed more. A Mord-Sith doesn't need anyone's help. Mord-Sith are broken so they can protect their Lord Rahl. They don't need protection from anyone because they are made to protect not to be protected.
You remembered the first night Leo spent with all of you.
You were taking the first guard when you heard him approach you from behind. His steps were very light that a normal ear won't hear, but you heard him clearly.
"I'll take over your watch so you can get some sleep." He said. Your jaw tensed as you feel the heat of his body radiating on you. He was a bit close for your liking.
"I'm not tired." you said through gritted teeth.
"Considering how easy it was for me to sneak up on you now. You need some rest." Smirking at the absurdity of the man, you replied quickly.
"It would be impossible for you to sneak up on me." He should know better than to say those things to a Mord-Sith. A moment of silence passed before you heard him sigh.
"So…. Cara."
"Yes…. Leo." The sound of his laugh causes you to glare at him. He was getting on your nerves now. Why can't he just leave you alone?
"Do you like animals?" 'Is he being serious?'
"Ones that tastes good." Of course, you like animals. They are made for food. Raw one was always the best.
"I meant like pets." You paused for a moment, wondering where this conversation is heading.
"I once had a dog."
"I like dogs." Leo whispered. The feel of his breath washes over the side of your face making you tensed.
"I trained it to attack and command." You wanted to move away from him, he's making you uncomfortable.
"I could see that being useful." he said, amusement was evident in his voice. "Could you train a chipmunk?"
You just stare at him for a moment. This blacksmith is confusing you.
"What are you talking about?"
"To obey your orders, attack people." he explained as your icy stares continue to cut through him.
" It's probably too hard, right? Ahh, a mighty chipmunk. It's fearless, cunning, stalwart and sworn enemy of the Mord'Sith. Not even the touch of the agiel can break its tiny but heroic heart." You tried to stop yourself from laughing but it was too late. Your melodic laughter rings on your own ear. You don't remember the last time you laugh like that.
"So you do have a sense of humor." And just like that your stoic face came back. You CANNOT believe what just happened. You just laughed at his ridiculousness and show him what he wants. You averted your eyes quickly from the man, as you feel the blood rush on your face.
"Your right."
"What about?" he asked.
"If I'm laughing at your ridiculous jokes, I must be tired. I should get some sleep." You drag yourself back from the camp, mentally kicking yourself for allowing your walls down.
"Sleep well and don't worry, I'll protect you from the chipmunks." You stops for a second, smiling at what you heard. You don't need protection from anyone especially for a little animal. But you feel your heart warms at the thought of him fighting a chipmunks for you. You bite your lips, trying not to smile at that stupid thought.
It was one of the many slips up you had whenever you're with him. Those moments that you should have treasured more.
A sound of sword cutting through the air was what you heard, stopping you from rubbing the horse' body. You stealthily walked over the noise only to find Leo, half naked, practicing with his sword. You gulped the lump that forms in your throat as you watched him from behind. It was as if millions of birds were somersaulting in your stomach as you continue watching him for a bit, secretly enjoying the sight. Leo spun around and caught you watching him.
"Is the air putting up much of a fight?" You asks tauntingly, trying not to show the embarrassment you felt of being caught watching him.
"Well, I could use a sparring partner." 'Sparring?' you thought. That word makes you laugh inside.
"Mord-Sith don't spar." you said, getting your agiels from your side before walking to the man as you saw something move from behind him.
" When we fight, we fight to inflict pain." you said before tackling Leo to the ground as a weapon flies above you. You look in front just to get a look of woman in red whose running away from them. You look back down at him, your heart beating faster as you saw how good his eyes were.
"Someone just tried to kill you." you whispered.
You remember the slight fear you felt that time. Your heart was beating faster as the two of you chase the culprit and making her pay was all you wanted. The thought of someone wants him dead was getting to you and you didn't know why. Your brain is telling yourself that you just wanted to protect him so the quest would be complete. So that your Lord Rahl doesn't need to do it and that you'll be contented that he'll be in no danger. That was what you're trying to convince yourself but your heart was confusing you.
"So, what kind of bird would you want to be?" Leo asked.
"What difference does it make?" You look at him, confused.
"I'm curious." You avert your eyes from him, thinking about any bird you knew.
"Blue-tailed Sea Hawk." you answered.
"That's a noble animal."
"One that attacks without warning. Nothing escapes its claws." you trailed off at the last word and slowly look at him like a hawk look at its prey.
"Do you know what kind of bird I'd wanna be?" He's eyes were twinkling and you can't take your eyes off it.
"A parrot that doesn't know when to stop talking?" You asked rhetorically, as you continue to stare at him and for a moment there, your eyes twinkle in amusement mirroring the eyes before you. But then you remembered who you are and who you're talking to so you avert your eyes at him, but your lips can't stop the smile that forms in your lips.
"Banded Falcon, because they're the only birds that blue-tailed sea hawks would fly with." You froze, as you absorb what he said. Your heart flutters from it, something you never experienced before. You can feel your face heat up as you look at his eyes and it's causing a warm feeling in your chest. It was too much for you so you glared at him, telling him to continue walking.
No one would ever dare tell you those kinds. First because before they even try to speak, you'll torture them with your agiels. You never even experience that because you don't go for cheesy stupid lines. If you like someone you get it. No need for speaking and telling your feelings because there are no feelings. So you made a decision. That night where you're body act. But unlike any other you'd experience, that one was entirely different. That night at the cave where you let yourself feel for the first time. Vulnerable and open.
It was the first time you lost control of yourself. Just seeing his body was enough to give you chills and you know it wasn't because of the cold and your wet leather. He was stripping his wet clothes, and you were feeling hot all of a sudden.
It was too much for you so you cave in and it was bliss. The most delicious feeling you've ever had that you were craving for more. It was nothing compared to what you experienced with the old Darken Rahl or even with some of your sisters of the agiels. You can still remember every detail that you two shared and it was enough to make you tremble.
You bowed your head letting your hair hide your face as you feel that embarrassing warmth spreading on your cheeks. Here you were about to burn Leo's body and all you were thinking was that incredible night. You cleared your thoughts and tried to remember some moments you shared with Leo.
"What is it?" you asked to Leo when you see him bent down. He plucked something from the ground then stood up, extending his hand in front of you.
"For you." he offers. 'A flower?' you look at him incredulously.
"It matches your leather." he adds when he met silence. You glared at the offending thing before you continue walking.
" Have I offended you?" Leo asked as he follows you. You just gritted your teeth, and walk faster.
"Flowers make me sneeze." You reasoned.
"Didn't last night mean anything to you?" His voice is different now but you don't know what to make of it.
"It was pleasurable, but it doesn't make me your mate for life." It is true. Last night was great, but that SHOULD not mean anything, right?
"I don't remember asking you to marry me." His voice was harder now. "But I do care about you, and I think you feel the same." You stared at him for a moment. His eyes were a wonderful shade of brown, and it was almost shining. You are not a Confessor, but right now you can read him through his eyes. There was sadness, a little anger, admiration, lust and something you haven't seen before. This is the first time someone looks at you like that, and you couldn't take it. It was too much so you averted your eyes.
"You're mistaken." Your jaw clenches as you watched him walks ahead of you, not saying anymore words to you. You stop for a moment, as you inhaled, your chest feeling heavy all of a sudden.
"You know, I've been watching you for weeks.." A presence beside you said quietly. You turn to find the Mother Confessor staring at the back of the blacksmith. "..and I can tell you care about him." Kahlan added.
"You can't read a Mord-Sith." you scoffed at her. Kahlan grabs your arm turning you around to face her. Her eyes searching yours as if she's trying to read you.
"The Confessor in me can't, but the woman can tell you're not telling the truth." You sigh in annoyance, turning your face away from the Mother Confessor. You always hated Kahlan whenever she's like this.
"It's a hard world we live in, Cara. We don't get many chances. If you have feelings for Leo, you should tell him." Feelings. Your heart beats fast as you repeat the word in your head.
'Do I really have feelings for Leo? And what kind of feelings?' you thought. A Mord-Sith doesn't know much about feelings. The feeling you only knew were the ones you had for your Lord Rahl, but you know deep inside that it wasn't the same to what you were having over the new Seeker.
You remembered what Leo said to you. He cared. Someone cared. Someone you just met cared. Is that really possible? You've never cared, not to anyone. But that's only because you really don't know what caring is all about. You don't really understand how someone cared. Is it when you protect someone? You protect the Lord Rahl because it is your duty. You protect the Mother Confessor and the wizard because that was what Richard told you to. Does that mean you cared about them? When someone tried to kill Leo, you wanted to protect him and avenge him. Does that mean you cared?
"Cara." You tense when you heard your name being called. A hand squeezes your shoulder and it made you freeze. It's time. You knew you have to leave, there's a quest you have to go to, a Lord to protect to. But you couldn't make yourself move. Your body feels heavy and you felt stuck.
Feeling something itchy at your side, you look down and your shock at what you saw. You caress the thing that was stuck in your side, wondering how it got there. You're actually amazed it was still intact after all the fighting you did.
'Did he maybe put it there earlier? But how? I didn't feel anything, how did he put it here?' you thought.
Your eyes slightly watered as you pluck the thing at your belt. You're cursing yourself for not telling something. For not telling him anything even if you yourself didn't even know. Whatever you were feeling should have been told. Even if you're not even sure whatever it is. The fact that you were feeling something was enough.
And now it's too late. He's gone. He will never come back. You will never experience his chivalry again. Those small things he does that makes your heart flutters and also annoys you at the same time. You will never see his charming smile again, which makes you want to smile too because it was just contagious. You will never see those eyes, those two brown orbs that always looks through you, like he's seeing the real you that nobody else can. And mostly, you will never feel his love. The one thing you were secretly hoping deep inside. That thing you always hear and actually see whenever Richard and Kahlan were together. For the first time in your life you wanted someone. Someone that makes you feel something. You wanted that to yourself. You wanted to be loved. By him. By Leo.
Your heart aches so bad you just wanted it to stop. You shut your eyes tightly swallowing the big lump that forms in your throat. You wanted to get rid of this feeling. Scream and cry just to get it out of your chest.
Your other hand clenches tightly that you can feel your nails digging in your palm. You wanted to feel pain, any kind of pain. Just not like this. This is too much for you and you can't take it anymore.
So you took a deep breath before forcing your feet to get closer to the covered body. You put the thing that you've been holding in his chest. The flower is a deep shade of red and it reminds you of your leather.
'It does matches my leather' you thought. And just like that you wanted to smile again. He never fails to amaze you.
You remembered what Kahlan told you.
"If you have feelings for Leo, you should tell him."
And you do, you do feel something. And now you just wanted to let it all out. Better late than never, right?
"I do, I do care about you."