The premise of this series is that Samantha Wildman, designated madonna figure of Voyager, has an interior life. It isn't always pretty.

I wasn't a writer, until Mia Cooper said I should be. Warmest thanks to her for opening that door and then beta-ing what emerged through it.

Chapter 1: Month One

I remember having a plan. I don't really know what I have now, except for Naomi. And Gres, if we can find our way forward. If I still want to, with him.

We are living on Deep Space Nine, in bigger quarters. Gres arranged for them hastily when Voyager returned. We found the place in a bit of a jumble when we arrived; he was on his way to Earth to meet us when his things were moved in.

I still think of them as "his things" even though I remember choosing many of the furnishings and art, even though I am surrounded by our wedding gifts as I move through the rooms. I'm not the same woman he married. Who married him.

With practice, mostly in thrice-weekly counseling sessions - two alone, one with Gres and sometimes Naomi too - I am learning to be comfortable admitting that. The journey changed me, profoundly. Maybe Quarra most of all, but maybe not. Maybe motherhood. Maybe Joe. Maybe just … time.

The counselor says, and Gres agrees, that to find my way forward again, I need to do more than just close doors on the past. She says that was appropriate and necessary when I was ten, eleven, twelve years old. But not now that I am a woman grown, a mother, in a stable environment. I can afford to take the time, risk doing the work and facing the truths necessary to integrate all the Sams I used to be with the one I am now.

I'm unconvinced. I'm not even sure what that means, really. But it sounds like something Joe would want for me. I am willing to try, anyway. For Gres, and for Naomi.

When I say as much in Gres's hearing, he grows frustrated with me. "This is not for me, Sam! If you think we are rebuilding this marriage to satisfy me, to make me happy, then it's all for nothing. It has to be for you, to spring from what you want, what you believe to be true and worth doing."

I sit with that, struggling, digging deep to stay open to his feelings and to comprehend his words. He soon calms, sits with me, waits. I finally look at him. "What if what I believe to be true and worth doing is to love you?"

Hope lights his face, and then he checks himself. "What do you think loving me means?" he asks, cautiously.

I think about it. "Making you happy?" I say in a small, defeated voice. I know it is the wrong answer. He can see that I know that much. He says that is progress.

I still don't know the right answer.

We are living together but sleeping separately. The former we agreed was best for Naomi, to give her and Gres time together day in and day out, to help them build a relationship. The latter is at Gres's request. It hurt, it hurt us both, when he told me. That was the first time we wept together, and the first time I realized that our marriage is in serious trouble.

He said that as much as he has missed being with me, as badly as he wants me, he needs to know that I'm not having sex with him out of duty or obligation, nor trying to rebuild our marriage on sexual intimacy in place of emotional honesty.

I wanted to argue, to defend myself. No - I wanted to feel able to do so. I couldn't. I can't. I knew that first night on Earth that we weren't really connecting. I tried to ... force the connection by sleeping with him. I thought that going through the motions would bring the right feelings in their wake. I was trying to re-enact what we'd had, before Voyager, and I only realized later that the sense of connection I was most remembering was what I'd had with Joe, not what that earlier Sam had had with Gres.

I feel terrible admitting that, even just to myself. Maybe most of all to myself. I plan to try admitting it to my counselor. I feel sick at the thought of admitting it to Gres.

I think this is what they mean by "doing the work." I hate it. It sucks. It hurts. It's exhausting. I don't know when it will be done or what my life will look like by then.